Cleolinda everywhere

So. As far as I know, both of my grandmothers are stable.

Marie Claire is a bunch of jackasses who apparently set their "provocative blogger" up to fail for the page views.

And lo, the internet rose up as one and smote them thus.

Pallas cats playing in jack-o'-lanterns make me feel better. (Thanks, @giishu.)

I was able to put up the third signed copy of Movies in Fifteen Minutes for auction, and I am considering doing 1) a Year of Postcards from me, 2) a year from The Littlest Edward, because (as we all know), he is craftsy, and 3) a year from Galadriel, who would be able to drop dark hints about future Secret Life developments.

New Made of Fail episode: It Gets Better. I've just started listening to it, but it seems to be partly about this month's national bullying dialogue, if you will, and the horror genre for Halloween. Note: their January episode just went for $500 at the foresthouseeyes auction. I don't even know.

Also, you need a plush Wizard of Oz monkey in your life.


HEY LET'S HAVE SOME ACTUAL LINKSPAM.

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My favorite month of the year! All the fun of Christmas and my birthday, but none of the emotional baggage!

@cleolinda: YOU GUYS. I might leave the house TWICE this weekend. #omg




Meanwhile, this happened:

@cleolinda: He would be eaten on sight. RT @erincragg: @cleolinda i would love if you included this in secret life of dolls http://bit.ly/bnQzQt

@queenanthai: @cleolinda TLE: "I WANT TO FEEL SHAME BUT I JUST CAN'T."

@cleolinda: @queenanthai My understanding is that Bieber hits on aaaaaall the ladies. An e-friend of mine was like, "Um, no, you're eight."

@cleolinda: @queenanthai So you can imagine how long a Bieber doll would last on a shelf full of jealous male dolls. "Tender, like veal!"

@cleolinda: People are now offering to send me a Justin Bieber doll solely to feed to the Edwards.

@queenanthai: @cleolinda I love that context does not help your tweets. YOU ARE LIVING AN AWESOME LIFE.

Linkspam! ( Read more... )

We here at Casa de Cleo are all cranky just now, because my mother had a really terrible day working-at-home on Friday that involved a lot of wailing "WHY ARE THEY SO STUPID" into her phone for about four hours straight; my stepfather has split his tooth in half (but has no idea how), and there's a lot of pain and swelling; and Friday the 13th basically shat on my head like an incontinent pigeon, but without any of the "luck" that supposedly brings.

However, no matter what happens to us, we still don't have it as bad as Edward Fashion Cat.





My first reaction to this was to scream and close the browser (this is my reaction to about 65% of links people send me). Then I opened it again (this is my reaction to about 83% of that 65%) and laughed my ass off. I want to feel sorry for this cat, but--look at him work that shit! Please.

However, the longer I laughed looked at it, the more questions I had. How does one measure a cat for a tiny jacket, and how many people die in the process? How does one keep a (rather amazing) wig on its head? Where does one buy wigs for cats?

Over the next 24 hours, I was able to answer at least two of these questions: ( ETA: It got worse )


Speaking of Tonners and Twilight, Alice Dollen starts shipping on Monday (8/16). Alice Dollen is not shipping to me on 8/16, but maybe I can get her for Christmas. My point is, Tonner Alices are now at large in the world, or will be next week.

@Ceilidhann: @cleolinda Does the Tonner Alice try and dress you up instead of the other way round?

There's only one way to find out.

New Made of Fail! In which DAYNA MEETS WIL WHEATON. I have a feeling my dogs will enjoy this one, probably because they will be the only ones able to hear it. (Happy birthday, queenanthai!)

New Tonner Doctor Who pictures! (Compare to the smaller picture still at the top of the page.) See, I told you that they get sneaky and update the pictures. I just... don't know that you're going to like them any better.

New book from Stephenie Meyer in June! Except that it's a 192-page novella about a character who was in Eclipse for 10 pages and no one cares about. Meanwhile, she said a long while back that she would never write anything similar for Carlisle (the original Cullen who was turned in the 1600s), because that would require research. On the upside, $1 from each copy will go to the Red Cross, or you can read it for free two days later with an option to donate directly. Due to the love-hate embrace these books and I are locked in (let's face it: Twilight-related page hits have been very good to me), I will probably recap it. (Speaking of Things I Have Recapped, apparently a great Twifan cry of "WHAT ABOUT MIDNIGHT SUN????!1?" went up on Twitter.) 

Also, if you make an eyeshadow called Skin of a Killer, I WILL buy it. I will hate myself, but I will do it. FOR SCIENCE.

(IT WAS $11.25 FOR TEN SAMPLES!! With FREE SHIPPING. You can't beat that WITH A STICK!)

(You should probably beat me with a stick, but...)

Today on Tumblr: It's another Victorian/vampire/goth-themed day! Don't miss the amazing Atwood-esque white/violet dress.

Snackfood Deathmatch, Semifinals round 2: Rice Krispies treats vs. cinnamon rolls! Are you ready to rumble?

Ricky Martin is livin' la vida open, says he's gay. I don't know if it's just that I spent yesterday afternoon offline reading, but I'm really not seeing a whole lot of reaction to this. Which is probably the way it should be.

The Domestic Poster for Iron Man 2; Smell Like Tony Stark With Iron Man Cologne.

The whole concept cannot help but beg the question: What exactly does Tony Stark/Iron Man smell like? In our imagination, l'aroma de Stark involves the scent of crisp hundos, mixed with new car smell, motor oil, and Axe body spray. Which is to say masculine and slightly industrial, with just a splash of douchebag.

The original fragrance has been described as "leathery" and "woody" (tee hee) and the Diesel website calls it "a voluptuous and explosive cocktail that bears witness to a man with an identity as strong as it is present, almost magnetic," which sounds pretty much like what I just said.

'Knight and Day' Trailer: Good Cruise or Bad Cruise?

First Look: Angelina Jolie in “Salt.”

Al Pacino's Disturbingly Accurate Jack Kevorkian Impersonation.

Must Watch: Creepy Official UK Red Band Trailer for [Rec] 2!

Will Smith locked for two Independence Day sequels? No. NO. NO! I already did the first one for the book! I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THIS.

Our favorite similes from James Franco's foray into short stories.

The Crafty Frouds Say a Dark Crystal Sequel Still on the Way.

Sofia Vergara Joins "The Smurfs" and "Happy Feet 2."

It's Official - Legendary & Warner Bros Bringing Back Godzilla. To which I can only say: OLD MEME.

Huh. It's been a while.

Well, there was a week, and I had it. Very stressful, for reasons I can't get into. Meanwhile, my new glasses finally came in yesterday, so things are a bit wonky. I have nearsightedness and astigmatism, so basically the near distance looks a lot clearer and closer now, which messes with my depth perception. I mean, for example: the floor. I've managed not to fall over yet, but it makes me a bit dizzy, and I'm squinting a little to compensate while my eyes get used to the new lenses. Headaches are involved.

I've been having fun at Tumblr, but you can post a whole bunch of stuff but put it in a queue that parcels things out every hour, half hour, whatever, so as not to spam everyone. So it's actually been auto-posting for me all weekend. (A lot of times I'll pick an arbitrary theme for the day, based on what I've got in my drafts. Yesterday was a sort of general gothic and/or stripes theme; today is spring flowers and/or woods. St. Patrick's Day was green, which involved many things relating to absinthe. Other days are just whatever.)

Have slowed down on the Formspring questions for a while. Will probably get to those as soon as I need to procrastinate again.

Trying to read for research, but the newness of the glasses is making that a bit hard. I should be able to watch movies again, though, without squinting at the TV across the room. To that end:

Team Jasper: A team for the rest of us. “He almost eats Bella, which is a huge plus."

I ended up at Walmart yesterday, so ( NOOOOO THEY GOT MY MOM )

A bit of movie news for you all:

From Roger Ebert: Eric Rohmer, 89, wise humanist, RIP. One of the founders of the French New Wave.

Spider Man 4 Scrapped; Tobey Maguire & Sam Raimi & Cast Out; Franchise Reboot Planned; Sony Rebooting Spider-Man in 2012! So... by "reboot," do you mean do the origin story and kill Uncle Ben off all over again? Because I'm sure audiences will sit through that all over again less than ten years later, and--when did the last one come out? Like, five minutes ago?

That said, the scramble in Young Hollywood to grab the newly-vacated roles will be something to see.

(Malkovich confirms Vulture role in Spider-Man 4. Yeah... about that...)

James McAvoy Shoots Down 'The Hobbit' And Ian Fleming Biopic Rumors. 

Stuart Townsend Ditches 'Thor' Over "Creative Differences."

@cleolinda: RT @hollywoodcrush: 'Twilight' Author Stephenie Meyer Reportedly Against Splitting 'Breaking Dawn' Into Two Films

@cleolinda: @Cleolinda Reportedly Against Any 'Breaking Dawn' Film Being Unleashed Upon A Defenseless World

I thought it was Stephenie Meyer's insistence in the first place that Breaking Dawn had to be two movies just like Deathly Hallows omg, so I don't know what's going on here. All I have to say is--you keep on fighting that good fight if it keeps this movie from happening. Seriously. I don't think my embarrassment quick can take it.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn could start shooting this fall, with a Renesmee who may end up "being a full CG creation, but it also may be a human shot on a soundstage that then is used to shrink down." I just--I can't even articulate how I feel about this, except it involves a lot of "Uncanny Valley, oh God" and "Somehow, James Cameron is responsible for this and must pay for his crimes" and "do not want do not want DO NOT WANT."

Rumors of Taylor Lautner's demise somewhat incorrect. Not that I'd blame him for trying to fake his own death at this point.

(Someone asked me if it was true. Without even having to do any fact-checking, I replied that it couldn't be, because Twitter and ONTD would be on fire.)

Via maudelynn: Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels. The second photo caption is where I fell over.

Meanwhile, any time I feel cranky (LIKE RIGHT NOW), I go back and look at Twilight retold in lolcats. I know it's old (even the sequel is a bit old by now), but the "I AM HATES U (fer some reason)" pic and the reaction shot right after "I luvs u" kill me. What kind of cat is that, anyway? ETA: Pallas cat! So much want.

Okay, you know what? I've held out for nearly three and a half months now, but I am nearly at my breaking point (even though we are now in the home stretch). I am SICK of not having my own computer to work on. There are huge disadvantages to sharing a computer that you just really don't even think of until you have to do it yourself. I HATE logging out of everything every time I walk away from the computer, because the hell I'm leaving my email accounts vulnerable to prying eyes. And on your average day? I need to be logged into LJ, JournalFen, Yahoo email, Gmail (with Reader and Documents), Twitter, Delicious for bookmarks, Pandora, a couple of message boards, and my file storage account; my life would be infinitely easier if I could just stay logged in. So I HATE dumping the cache and the cookies and the browsing history and even the SEARCH history if I so much as duck out for a glass of tea, and I HAVE to do it, because you know why? You know why? Researching the @#$%*&@ e-book footnotes, that's why. If I didn't, you'd go to the Google drop-down search box and get "bella's felted womb," "dead from coke," "edward lipstick," "gq motherfucker," "total eclipse sex scene," 5000 Twilight articles, and "twincest." And there is NO WAY I am letting my family know I spent that much time looking up shit about Twilight.

I can't do a whole hell of a lot on this computer either, since it's like eight years old as it is--in excellent condition, but it's only got 30GB storage, you know? You can infer from that what the processor thingamawhatever speed must be like. It just can't do a lot. It can't handle Skype, for example. And I don't have any of my pet programs (Semagic for LJ, TweetDeck, ACDSee photo organizing, and probably a ton of others I've forgotten because IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE USED THEM), because the computer either can't handle a given program or it can't handle them all together. And we THOUGHT it had Photoshop, but apparently not, and while I'm pretty handy on that, I apparently am too stupid to operate MS Paint. People keep telling me how to crop and I just. can't. manage it. And then I go back to Firefox and accidentally hit "home" instead of "new tab" and I lose my entire LJ entry draft, because whenever it tries to recover a "saved" draft, it gives me the previous entry I already posted. HATRED.

And then I can't really save images (no room, plus other people looking at my shit) or watch videos (I hate being walked in on while I'm trying to watch whatever weird-ass thing someone just linked on Twitter. Mostly I just don't have time because I'm under the gun to get anything done before someone else needs the computer), assuming I could get the video to work at all. Because I physically can't get time at the computer as much as I'd like, my Google Reader news items just sit and pile up, so every morning I have "1000+," and one day I cleared 600 items and STILL had 1000+. I keep having to star things I want to go back and use in the footnotes or save pictures from, and I am TIRED OF IT.

If I didn't have the iBella--which at least has a camera, an mp3 player, and apps for Twitter, Pandora and my email that I DON'T HAVE TO LOG OUT OF--I would have gone insane by now. The day I figured out how to copy-paste links on my phone, I nearly wept for joy. Even there, I can't really answer emails or LJ comments at any length--if it's going to be a short reply, I can tap it out with a minimum of head-meeting-wall, but y'all know how wordy I am. We get to more than two sentences and I just can't manage it; I have to wait to answer until I get to the (shared) (family) computer. And then I have to log into umpteen thousand things all over again but then someone else needs the computer RIGHT NOW and I have to dump everything and hope no one noticed that I was at that moment searching "vampire sex toys." Oh, and blip.fm just doesn't work on the iPhone at all. RAAAAAAAGE.

Only one more week until [New Computer's Name] arrives. I will console myself with a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake from Chick-fil-A, I think.


ETA: THE MILKSHAKE MACHINE IS DOWN

WHY GOD WHY


(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)