Cleolinda everywhere

I have been struggling with a severe downturn. I think what's happening is that we're getting into the seasonal depression... uh... season. And then there was the ice this week (we're still shoveling it off the deck; it's too thick to melt enough on its own). I mean, maybe it's natural to be sluggish when it's 18 degrees outside. Even though the days are getting longer from mid-December on out, the lack of sunlight catches up with you about now. And I usually get depressed just after Christmas and my birthday anyway. I tried to put together a linkspam post four days ago, and I just couldn't ever get it finished. I can get on Twitter to hit a simple "retweet" button and feel like that's the next best thing, for short bursts of sociability. It's hard to explain how you can bob to the surface, perfectly cheerful for a little while, or giddy about this or that little geek-interest thing, and then sink back under for hours of brooding. The thing about depression is that you can often keep up appearances in front of other people. Sometimes I think that depression is almost a separate, sentient organism, and it works hard to protect itself--it wants to make sure you don't believe in it, that you think you're miserable because you're a miserable person who deserves it, not because you have uncooperative brain chemistry. It wants to make sure you cover for it, you convince people that you're fine. It has its own priorities and best interests, a sense of self-preservation, and the self it wants to preserve is not you.

I've been trying to write. That actually went pretty well for a couple of days, except that people kept interrupting and pulling me away to do this or that just as I was getting somewhere. So instead, I went back to reading--non-fiction, which is why I haven't mentioned it; I might do a quick writeup on a few books at once. It's the kind of thing I take notes on while I read and come up with new characters or plot additions for Black Ribbon; a lot of it is to get details for high-society scenes or help me get a grip on the international political situation circa 1889. I think I'm going to be doing this mix of real names and fictionalized characters; I'm okay with dropping the name of a real person, but much more interaction than that, and I start to feel weird. Maybe you'll be able to tell who it's meant to be, maybe not. Because the thing is, Black Ribbon isn't a wildly alternate universe, though it looks like some historical elements are going to be accelerated a little bit. Major anarchist activity is going to start about four or five years early (uh. That is maybe giving something away), and we're going to have some technological developments happen 5-10 years early. In a weird way, I think I feel more anxious about getting away with this because the story world isn't wildly different. If I were just going to do outright fantastical steampunk with the airship pirates and whatnot, I don't think anyone would call me on discrepancies, because they'd know it would be pointless. But what I'm doing now is close enough that people are going to think I meant to be historically accurate, but internets, let them tell me, I am WRONG. I guess the solution is to put in a few Wildly Different elements to signal that. I was hoping that a mechanical peacock in the first chapter would suffice, but maybe not. I guess the only thing to do is write it and see. The only way out is forward.

I know I'm behind on Varney and Secret Life, but... just... nothing. I actually think about Secret Life a lot, but I can't get the new entry to turn out right. You know how there's usually more than one storyline going on at a time? Like, we visit with two or three different sets of characters? I've got one set of characters planned out, but the other storyline or two, they're kind of vague. I don't quite know how to get this entry to fill out properly. I mean, it's a process I go through every time; I'm just completely stalled on this one. And I don't want it to take nine months to work out again. But I think I am going to have to call a hopefully short hiatus until I work it out, rather than show up each weekend and go, "Yeah... still not done" and feel worse every time. I think the guilt actually torpedoes me worse than the block itself.

Meanwhile, the Golden Globes are tomorrow night. This is one of the awards shows I traditionally liveblog (one of the many services we provide at Cleolinda Industries). I keep trying to gear myself up for it, and... ehhhhhhhh. And we've got a really good slate of movies this year almost none of which I've been able to leave the house and see, so it's not lack of enthusiasm for the nominee pool. We've got one of those rare years where almost anyone could win and it would be deserved. I just... can't muster the energy. But I have to. I hate defaulting on things I like to do just because my dumb ass feels whiny. So I'm going to try to do that tomorrow night. At least with Lizzie now, it's easy to set up in front of the TV.

Also, I can't find my Lillie Langtry bio, which VEXES ME. On the upside, I've been given a couple of new YA books, so I might get to those soon.

You haven't heard from me much because I have been really, deeply, severely depressed for the last couple of weeks. I tried to write up a huge entry describing what it feels like, and then... I got too depressed to post it. Maybe I'll polish it up and post it later, because I think it might be valuable for 1) people who might recognize themselves in it and 2) people who don't have depression, but want to understand what it's like for a loved one who does.

( Data storage question, writing, Black Ribbon, aromatherapy, BPAL )

Anyway. That's what's going on over here.

Reminder: The Final Lostnesday is on Sunday, and it's going to be a huge Super Bowl/Oscars-esque thing with a pre-show and then a 2-1/2 hour episode and then a Jimmy Kimmel post-show with the actors (and alternate endings? I don't know if these are parodies or real). I would love to liveblog it, but honestly, I'd rather actually pay attention.

I have a couple of other things to discuss, but I think they'd get lost in the rambling here, so: we'll do that later.

Not much to say lately; I've been really tired, and actually feverish today. A lot of headaches related to the air pressure (fickle March weather).

I'm testing out Tumblr, because I figure I won't know if I want it until I try it. Basically, it seems to be like Twitter for pictures, which I like, and it's super easy to post the page you're on from your browser. Although I'm trying to restrain myself from posting every single pretty thing I know of, because I could probably post 100 entries a day at that rate. Basically, I'm posting jewelry, artwork, and a few dolls at this point, although any interesting landscape or movie-related picture I see will go up. (The Art Nouveau Disney princesses thing was pretty awesome.) I'm trying to keep the theme to "pretty things," so no Sexual Horrors of Etsy, thanks. It's my sparkly happy place.


Still answering Formspring questions, although I haven't gotten below 50 questions yet in terms of inbox backlog--I'm up to 359 answered. I haven't posted any new cross-posts from the back end, but I think the "view older answers" thing is working at the moment. Please, try to comment here on the answers rather than ask new "questions" just to make a comment. And don't ask "Have you seen [whatever]? I hope you like it," because that's clearly just trying to pimp something. Seriously, I've still got fifty questions to work through--and some of them are very thought-provoking, which is why they're hard.

(Also, a lot of the movie industry questions presume I have any clue what I'm talking about. I answered them the best I could.)

Actually, there are some questions I could use some help with--a few coming in are kind of heavy.

There's a girl at my school struggling with depression. I want to help her, but we're not close. What would you have wanted someone to do when you felt down? Do you have any depression awareness sites I could see?

Which seems like a delicate one to answer, so I don't know. Thoughts?


We will have a new Secret Life of Dolls at some point. I'm just having a hard time getting it to turn out well. This in the middle of, you know, research reading and footnote-writing. And I can't concentrate for shit. So... I'm doing the best I can.

Not feeling great, but feeling less hysterically awful than I had been (see also: the last few days). So basically, I have gone from feeling "emotionally raw" to "merely fragile." Rock.

(As a side note: "Have you seen--?" Yes, I have seen it. Particularly if it is related to Twilight and came out this past weekend. Yes, I have. Yes, I have. Yes, I have. And in his defense, if I'd had as much of it thrown at my head as he has in the last two years, I'd be allergic to it too, and I HAVE one.)

I am unable to think of a segue, so: Google will let you turn Buzz off permanently now (scroll down). I mean, if you just HAVE to have your privacy, GAH.

Question for those of you going to the Neil Gaiman reading at UA later this week: is it a reading or a reading and a signing? Because either I've gone stupid (entirely possible) or the event page just doesn't say. (I don't know if there are any tickets still available, but be warned: even though tickets are free, if you don't have one, you're not getting in. They've already given out 600. It's going to be a madhouse.) If there's not a signing, that's fine; I just want to know how many hours I'm going to be standing on my feet. Because, again: madhouse. ETA: There is definitely not a signing, and it's not 600 people--it's 1200.

Meanwhile, speaking of Alabama: There was a shooting at the University of Alabama at Huntsville, and it gets weirder by the hour.

And finally: Sam is recovering nicely from his (mysteriously) hurt back foot. He is now on his third bandage boot (red again). Also, he ran out into the snow on Friday evening and made a snow angel.

So I've been having these really annoying dizzy spells lately


and after going through a mental checklist of what the problem could be, I'm starting to think that it's a combination of 1) a stealth sinus infection (I have had a cough for a while, even though I haven't really felt congested), 2) not eating enough (sinus ick makes me feel queasy, as does emotional stress, 3) probably not staying hydrated enough, and 4) said emotional stress, which is coming at me from several angles and is kind of pissing me off. As it turns out, this week and the week after are turning out to be the two busiest work ("work") weeks in a long, long time if not the entire year itself, with two internet pieces and the second e-book needing to be written, plus the movie itself tonight and the podcast on Sunday (which I am so looking forward to, but it IS another thing on my calendar, you know? And the laptop hasn't come in yet, angst angst fnarr etc.), and I would really, REALLY like everyone to quit dumping their bullshit on me. I am not directing this at any one person, Friends or Family Member(s) Who Might Somehow Be Reading This. And yes, it is completely selfish of me to say that my needs require that I not deal with your problems right now. But seriously: they do. Two weeks. That's all I'm asking. Just THIS week, even. Stop dumping your shit on me and maybe I'll stop needing a fainting couch, who knows.

What I really want right now is someone around to spoil and pet and baby me. Like... someone of the opposite gender. Because you know how it is--whichever gender you're into, there's something different about having someone thereof to take care of you, someone who's actually into you. I hate saying "I want a man around to take care of me," because it's not like that--it's like, sometimes I want to ride in from the battlefield and be sheltered and patched up and refreshed every once in a while, and then go riding back out to finish fighting my own battles. And I would do the same for whoever I was with. And I want shelter right now. I guess that's the thing--I've said this before, but I don't think of love as a happy ending; I think of it as a beginning. And I wish I could begin.

Exposure to Twilight is probably a bad idea right now, isn't it?

On a twinklier note, security is apparently going to be tight at this preview tonight, and they are going to search people for phones and confiscate them (tag and bag them to return to you afterward), because God forbid someone should try to capture the dazzle on film. What I really wanted to do was use the Voice Memo function on the iBella to record the audience screaming during the Attempted Sparklecide (it's the one scene slo-mo enough for me to know exactly when to hit record), because, seriously: best LJ audio post ever. Just post that, no title, no entry text, just the roar of sparkle-inflamed estrogen. And they would DENY me this. I am INFINITELY CHAGRINED.

Oh well. I'm probably going to end up sitting through endless wolfing seeing it again with other people, most likely my mother and aunt, who want to see "Robert" it as well, so maybe I can grab some audio at a less ~*special*~ screening.


(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

I'm having the kind of day where I hope I'm coming down with something, because at least that would explain the tiredness and the general woozy feeling. (Although, also, I hardly slept last night. Not sure why.)

Grey overcast day, although with a nice rain-bearing breeze. I was sitting outside for a while, except that said rain was, in fact, eventually borne in. Cinnamon toast a while ago. Trying to get into drinking hot tea, just because I think it might be comforting, or at least more interesting than iced tea while I'm working. Lady Grey and a vanilla chai so far. I used to drink a lot of herbal tea in college, but I've come to think that I really just like black teas the best. I usually drink iced tea without any lemon or sweetener (although I do like both; I just drink too much to go sweet with it), so I'm used to the taste of the tea itself.

(The cat is totally just snacking away on one of the houseplants in the windowsill.)

I don't know. It's just one of those days where I want to curl up and wallow and do nothing, but I know I don't have time for that.



(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Not doing so well at the moment--I think I'm going through another bad patch. Tearful, depressed, pity party for one, that kind of thing. It could be chemical or hormonal or seasonal or circumstantial or who even knows. I'm still under a good bit of stress at the moment, so I doubt that's helping. It's just something you work through, I guess. The majority of the commentary for Van Helsing and Dracula was written last year, so while it obviously needs freshening and updating, that's a ton of work already behind me. So there's that, at least.

Okay. Today was also pretty bad, but I think I'm going to be all right. At various points in my hormonal cycle, there are days when I feel like I could lead a revolution... and there are days when I can't deal with a papercut. I think last week had a few of the latter. (Honestly, I should just know by now that any instance of a mental No One Will Ever Love Meeeeee pity party = automatic Papercut Day and and should be disregarded in its entirety as such.) So. Things not going great, but I feel less overwhelmed.

A few interesting things:

"In before copious whining about how LJ operating like a business stifles their freedom," or, LiveJournal will now let you put Google ads (and profit from them) on your own journal. A lot of people have asked if I could do this or encouraged me to do so (back then, I said I was pretty sure you couldn't). I still don't know about it, though. If it pisses people off (and believe me, there are tons of people on the internets who accept sites that always used ads but flip the hell out when other sites start using them, omg hdu sell out, etc.)--losing your readership for a short-term gain is a long-term financial risk, if you look at it that way. How much money do you actually make off these things? Would it even be worth it?

Meanwhile, my New Moon recap has been quoted twice in Twilight and Philosophy (see "search inside this book" and put in "cleolinda"). SUCK IT, WIKIPEDIA, I AM NOTABLE.

(Actually, looking at the page on me, I believe the "Tiny Things, Tiny Minds" review linked at the bottom--is that the one where I was partially blamed for the imminent fall of Western civilization? Because I considered putting that on my resume. For real.)

Speaking of the sparkle,


Hey, I nearly bought that bedspread last summer. Decided it kind of clashed with the wolves, though.



Meanwhile, I have another new story idea, but it feels more like a book series and I don't know if I have the mental resources for that right now. Maybe it's one of those that I just end up tucking away (on the "story farm," as I think of it) for later.

So yesterday I got absolutely zero work done because my dogs spent all morning barking hysterically at stove repair people. The two guys themselves were nice; they've been out to our house a total of three times to install a new range for us (and I'll have to take a picture of it; it's totally space-age awesome and... a bit difficult to cook on, but we're learning). And then, right as they were finishing up, the lead guy tells me (sounding very apologetic and embarrassed, by the way) that... they need to charge us an extra $85 just for coming out there. Which he doesn't think is fair (particularly since no one told us this ahead of time), but his boss is kind of riding him to collect it.

Dear Reader, I just started laughing at them. I mean honestly just laughing in their faces. And then I dialed a number on my cell and said (and I quote), "Here's the phone, talk to my mother. And GOOD LUCK."

By the time she was done calling around, she'd discovered from the Sears rep that there is no such thing as a "trip charge," and that the stove guys' boss (head of the installation company/department) must be scamming customers as a way of skimming off the top. SHENANIGANS!

Meanwhile, my meds--and I'll go into this for future reference for anyone who might be trying Lamictal: ( My God almighty, let me never experience that again )

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.