Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[amberdulen.livejournal.com]

EEK.

[cellardoor28.livejournal.com]

Man, people are wierd, yo.

If you'd told me 5 years ago that there would be stranger fans out there than the Harry Potter ones, I'd have laughed. Now, not so much :p

(also, hugs).

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Terrifying thought: who will eventually come along to dethrone the Twilight crazy?

[futureperfect.livejournal.com]

♥

Here, have an icon of a sociopath who looks smashing in uniform.

[krazycat.livejournal.com]

Whoa now. Real stalking is so not funny.

[mustang-bex1126.livejournal.com]

Holy rusted metal batman! Alright- definitely removing any and all stalkeriffic inklings from my jokes here from now on... consider me formally squicked. It would be a horrendous thing for you to look back on all the Twilight hilarity with anything other than fond memories and a side ache from too much laughter.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I think it's probably too late for that, although that's less on my behalf and more in a "Oh God, those poor actors, WHYYYYY did someone get a Littlest Edward and turn it into a sex toy" way.

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

I have no words for how creepy that is, and *shudders*

I've said it before and I'll say it again: internet famous must be the suck. All of the crazies and none of the perks.

[soleta-nf.livejournal.com]

internet famous must be the suck. All of the crazies and none of the perks.

Yes, very true.

Cleo, I'm so sorry to hear this has been happening. That really is very creepy. *hugs*

[lkmadigan.livejournal.com]

I have no interest in your hair.

Just so you know, in case you need to lock future posts.

I'm Teh Sane, and would like to be included.

Here, have some comforting candy.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I don't plan on friends-locking. I mean, I think of this as a public blog; that would be counterproductive. The worst thing that would happen is that I would get so upset that I would want to stop journaling entirely, which I don't foresee happening (knock on wood), because I feel like it's important for someone who wants to be, say, a published novelist to have a communication outlet like this.

And commenters here have always been so, so supportive, so commenters aren't even the people I would want to avoid. (And I include people who generally lurk and don't say anything in that, because lurking's totally fine with me; I lurk most places I go, and I don't think it's at all weird.) And even the people who have sincerely made me uncomfortable, it never involved threats or malice; it was just very sweet people wanting something I am really not prepared or equipped or able to give.

[cookiedough.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD that's horrifying.

And here's the part I don't get... YOU'RE NOT EVEN NICE ABOUT TWILIGHT. How can a Twilight creepster think that you understand them better than anyone when what you are saying about Twilight is satirical, critical and ultimately, even though it's all in fun, negative?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING. How are people coming out of reading Cleo's Twilight discussions without understanding that she's not actually fangirling it the same way they are?

Oh, wait ... because they're creepy and have no grasp on reality, that's why.

[schmoo999.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just wow and I cannot imagine having to deal with this. I love your posts and comment rarely. '

Be safe.

O_o

I guess there are some very lonely people out there.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

There are. And I can even understand it, because I get very lonely myself. And I do talk about that, and my problems with depression, this that and the other. And I like talking to people here in the comments. But I neither can nor want to jump from that to very specific, personal, one-on-one relationships with people I don't even know and WHO DO NOT KNOW ME. Because it's easy to think that you (general you) can read all of this stuff and know me, all of me, but you really, really don't.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's kinda scary. Reason #465 why it's good to use an alias online. I hope people back off a bit, at least the ones who are more serious! Who knew Twilight fans could be so freaky?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, and the sad thing is--I started five, nearly six years ago with a very firm alias, never giving out my last name, and got a PO box as soon as publishing the book made it feasible. I'm not saying I knew in October 2003 that this would happen, but I knew that it could. I mean... that's just how the internet is.

[snippy]

Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry that's happening to you. I've been stalked (by two different ex-boyfriends) and it's very scary, nothing to joke about. The thing is that it is breaking the social barriers, and once you start doing that, how are other people supposed to know when you'll stop?

I once had a long distance phone call from a guy I was having an argument with online. Yes, he looked up my phone number and called me at home to continue the argument! I don't think people understand that it often makes the recipient want to shut down, withdraw from all interactions with that person, because you no longer know what to expect from them. Unpredictable behavior is very threatening.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Yes. Yes, it is.

And yeah... I actually probably shouldn't say this, but if someone really wanted to be friends or something, they would be best served by 1) not announcing that fact, like let's start being friends as of !rightnow!; 2) just hanging out here in the comments and being mellow. (I was going to say "being cool," but I don't mean it in a "show me how cool you are, fall all over yourself" way. I just mean, hang out, comment once in a while, have conversations with people, be easygoing. That kind of "cool.") And yeah, if you want to be friends with someone like that, it's not going to happen overnight; it's going to take time and you might never actually get close at all. Because that's how it works in the real world.

[katharhino.livejournal.com]

Um, ew. I wonder if these people are just as inappropriate in offline life, or do they just think it's okay to be creepy online. You know. Everyone's doing it.

Sorry you have to deal with so much general weirdness.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I really think it's the latter; they do it because it's so easy to do, they don't have the social cues of seeing someone's face or body language, they can just blurt out whatever and maybe it'll actually work, you know? Because I admit, I have tumbled into some pretty close friendships much more quickly than I would--the way you can, say, in college, when you have the time and opportunity to sit up all night talking and kind of setting aside the normal barriers. So I think it's really a perceived lack of barriers--and, I mean, how many coworkers or casual friends do they having sitting out there saying, "Let me tell you in depth about my mental health problems"? There may be a sense that since I "confided" in them and the rest of the internet that there is closeness between "us" when there's really not.

[kittybacklash.livejournal.com]

Eugh, I will never understand why people think it's ok to be that creepy and inappropriate towards people they don't know and have never met.

Have you not said upon countless occasions exactly why you think what Edward does isn't ok?

I guess you can always count on the internet to bring the crazy.

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

I just want to send you a big squashy hug via express mail. You are not my soul mate, I just relate to some of the things you write about and am amused by far more. (Sarcastic bipolar biotches FTW!) I hope you feel better on both fronts soon.

[tinuviell.livejournal.com]

Stalking is not cool. I hope the people who need to see this message read it and understand that their behaviour is inappropriate. I work in a public library, and while I've never been stalked myself, several others at my workplace have, and all we're trying to do is work, which is what you're doing here, essentially. Just because you see someone every day at the library and have a nice little chat with them at the desk does not make them your friend, and just because you read someone's blog every day and laugh and enjoy their work does not make them your friend.

Please be safe; stalking truly frightens me because it's so insidious.

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

Jesus. As if you don't have enough to worry about....

I know you know this, but it bears repeating: take care of yourself first. Fret not about your fanbase or disappointing anyone. I don't think anyone can blame you for feeling uncomfortable or nauseated or...really, anything over this kind (and degree) of attention. Do whatever you need to do to get the distance from this unpleasantness that you need. Hiatus, friends-locking, changing your name to Cleolinda Maria Rodriguez, do whatever it takes. Your craft, in all its myriad forms, is fantastic, but you and your well-being take precedence. All else will wait.

And I'll even save the "what do you mean you don't drink coffee" diatribe for later. To each their own. Even if it's sick and wrong. (And this is the point where I worry, because I'm used to corresponding with you to the point of friendly familiarity, but I don't want to trigger that ten-thousand-people-in-Wal-Mart anthroclaustrophobia feeling I get. Can't speak for anyone else, but please, feel free to tall me to tone it down.)

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with this comment. Just put yourself first and be safe.

[gorgeousnerd]

Really quick, I wanted to thank you for talking about your experiences with bipolar disorder. I've been coming to terms with mine, and it's been helpful to see another take on it.

But that's not to say I want to talk to you on the phone or smell your hair or anything. Yikes. This post was a lot nicer than I probably would have been (not because I wouldn't want to be nice, I just get freaked really easily).

[octotoes.livejournal.com]

I'm completely horrified on your behalf. Your journal is public-view for good reason (thanks!!) but it would be nice to be able to block those that are crossing the line into creepdom. Then again that might anger them, if you are dealing with the fully delusional.

I wonder what it is about Twilight that has created such rabid addicts. Or are the fans just that more vocal than the HP fans? Is it so much easier to believe that there are vampires hidden among us, as opposed to a secret wizarding world? Or maybe it's Twilight we started out with totally-replaceable-Bella falling in love, and her infatuation/obsession was the main theme of the series.
I am baffled.

[khaman.livejournal.com]

FRODO LIVES.

It's a combination of obsessive personality and new tools with which to be idiots with. It's not new, but it's capable of being taken to new extremes with the capabilities we have now. That's what's making this one seem worse, imo.

I'm not anti-techno by any stretch of the imagination, but I am saying that there needs to be increased focus on protection of the self and identity. We need more awareness of what people can actually do to track others when they've gone highly delusional.

[orca-girl.livejournal.com]

O_O Dude.

I'm really sorry about that. That's very NOT OKAY.

There are times when I might think to myself, "If I ever happened to meet Cleo, I'd offer to buy her the beverage of her choice", but even that kind of thought is tempered by the fact that I'm quite aware that, you know, you don't know me, I'm a perfect stranger to you, and boundaries, they are to be respected.

I am reminded of another blog that I read where the writer had to put up a notice recently to tell people that it was NOT OKAY to just stop by her house. (It's the Daily Coyote blog.) And the "whoa" moment for me was I'd just spent the preceding weekend reading the book she put out covering the same material that's in the blog, only in more detail; and in the book, she mentioned the town where she lived, and some real names, and used her own real name to the best of my knowledge, and I actually *thought* to myself, boy, I wonder if she's changed the names to protect the innocent etc.? Because given the slightly controversial nature of what she's blogging about (raising a coyote in captivity; she's written several times about how this brings out the Judgemental Commenters in droves, and has caused fights to break out in her blog's comments section), *I* sure would be real worried about the nutters showing up -- not just to have tea, but to kidnap the coyote, or try to "set him free", or kill him, or kill her... man, I have a low opinion of the general public these days.

So, um... long way of saying -- whatever you have to do, to be safe, and stay sane, is SO perfectly understandable.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

NOOOO! NOT DAILY COYOTE!

[gwyndolaeth.livejournal.com]

awww, man. i'm sorry you're having to deal with these giant creepers.

i'll be honest: you seem like an awesome gal, and if i had the chance to hang out & chat with you sometime, that would be be pretty neat. there's a big difference between "hey, i like your blog, you're nifty!" and OMG I LURVZ U 4EVRZ. o_O

i hope this will not discourage your from writing Twilight g00finess in the future, and that at least some of these people have enough of a handle on reality to be properly embarrassed now, and knock it off.

best of luck!

[khaman.livejournal.com]

Harlan Ellison knows your pain. But I've said that before. It doesn't change that it's always disturbing and unpleasant to see it happen. I've enjoyed your work, but good lord. I can understand.

[gizmerelda.livejournal.com]

Just chiming in to say I'm sorry to hear you've been upset in this way and I hope it stops now.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I really don't think it will. Once you hit whatever critical mass--it doesn't stop unless you go back down below that threshold (you stop producing, you become less popular, etc). Once you're over whatever threshold that is--and on the internet, it's a very, very low threshold--I think it only gets bigger if you keep going. Which is part of the reason for this entry, to make people aware of it, the ones who do get it and are capable of that awareness, that consideration, you know? The ones who could help if they could.

And I haven't even finished my novel thing yet. You know, something that a real actual fandom with people arguing about ships could potentially develop around. God help us all.

[modpixie.livejournal.com]

Oh Cleo, I am so sorry. D:

[bibliotech.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[akathorne.livejournal.com]

WHAT. NO. BAD INTERNETS.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I KNOW RIGHT? ARRRGH.