Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[violetfrosting.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just... Wow. That's just horrible. I'm so sorry that you can't feel free to blog and chat and ramble with total freedom.

Ah, Twihards - embracing batshit scary as a lifestyle choice. Seriously, what is it with those books that makes them so appealing to nutters?

Please accept my assurances that I have no wish to watch you write/sleep/eat/shower and will most certainly not be turning up on your doorstep at any point.

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you. Just do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. I love your writing but of course your peace of mind/safety have to come first.

[bluinkalchemist.livejournal.com]

Do people not realize how dull the writing process can look from the outside? It's not as if sitting in the corner (rocking chair or no) allows one to peer into the author's brain to watch neurons firing. All they'd see is you or me sitting there tapping a pen on our chin or looking very thoughtful or maybe banging our head against the desk. When we're not just writing. Riveting action, that. ;)

[celestinenox]

Or watching TV while the blank file is up and the cursor blinks madly.

>.>

<.<

Or, um, is that just my writing process?

[kauricat.livejournal.com]

It's really good that you can be open about this so that we (well, most of us) won't make you uncomfortable anymore with those comments.

I think a lot of hardcore Twilight fans found you because you got a couple of big shout-outs (or is it shouts-out?). And as for the difference in the fandoms, Harry Potter had relationships kind of as side stories, where Twilight was all about the obsessive love.

I've been meaning to thank you for a while for recommending The Gift of Fear. A few years ago (wow, over ten years ago now that I'm counting) I had a former coworker start vandalizing my car. I had no idea at first who was doing it or why, and as his actions escalated from vandalism to sabotage I became more and more terrified. It got to the point where I could not be alone because it was apparent that he knew where I worked and where I lived. That fear was justified, but it colored my actions and reactions for a very long time after it all ended. The Gift of Fear has gone a long way toward repairing that damage and helping me tell the difference between healthy fear and everything else. So, thanks for that.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

nd as for the difference in the fandoms, Harry Potter had relationships kind of as side stories, where Twilight was all about the obsessive love.

Oh, that's definitely what it is, I've said that as well. And that's why poor Robert Pattinson is hunted like an animal and Daniel Radcliffe goes merrily on his way.


I've been meaning to thank you for a while for recommending The Gift of Fear.

If I could send every person I ever come into contact with a copy of that book, I would. Which weirds people out a little, because that makes it sound culty. But, like you're saying--it actually helps you let go of constant fear by helping you learn to trust yourself and also protect yourself. And I think one of the most important things it does is tell you to listen to fear, real fear, and not let anyone tell you that it's not a big deal. Because you know, sometimes it is a big deal. Sometimes it ends up with your car being vandalized and this guy in your bushes.

[flamingo-bandit.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. How the hell does anyone think that's okay?

[coneycat.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow--yeah, I can see where "Twistalker" jokes are not funny now. (A couple of years ago I used to joke about stalking my favourite local bands. Then I found out they knew about my blog, and I kept hearing about their mothers reading it. It's been years since I made a stalker-fan joke, just in case someone found it alarming instead of funny.)

Hope you're doing fine, and I'm sure your hair smells lovely even though I have no wish to sniff it. :)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Like... I don't even think it's creepy to say (jokingly), per se. "I love her blog, I want to stalk her," you're saying it to someone who knows you're joking. You come to me and say, "I love your blog, I want to stalk you"--I just can't laugh at that anymore. Although six months ago, I probably would have. Which is why I felt like people needed to know that things are different now.

[spectralbovine.livejournal.com]

In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.
Ergh. Creepy. I'm sorry you're attracting these people. You are not my soulmate, but I think you're pretty swell.

[plasticprincess.livejournal.com]

Well that's insanely creepy :( how awful.

[queenfaithie.livejournal.com]

Stalking is not okay, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I guess we all have to deal with Internet crazies from time to time, and I second the comment by purple_smurf that being internet famous must suck.

Also, hugs. =]

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Eh, don't cry for me that my diamond shoes are too tight. It's okay, for what small values of "fame" it is.

[karintheswede]

Eek.

That's nowhere even near OK.

Thank you for recommending "Gift of Fear", btw. I'm glad to have read it.

[lisa-zj.livejournal.com]

OMG!! Cleo, I hate to hear that something so fabulous would cause you that kind of trouble. Your Twilight recaps are easily the funniest things I have ever read. And I am one of those people (please send help!!:) that love the Twilight series, in a twinkie kind of way. I still read the recaps periodically, from time to time if I can't find anything else to read. And they still crack me up, brilliant!

It's such a shame that it has a attract that kind of creepiness to you. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

[reynardine.livejournal.com]

Hey, just wanted to give a shout-out that I totally sympathize with the manic stuff. I've been doing a med adjustment that made me absolutely manic and am having to deal with that now, and am trying so hard to avoid another crash, because I was just getting my life back together again.

20 years of dealing with this. One learns the tricks of the trade, but it's still difficult.

You hang in there. And thanks for writing so openly about the bipolar stuff.

And that stalker thing? Weird. Just...weird.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

...wow.

This is SO not on, and so very not cool. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this -- that's... yikes. But it is definitely not your fault in any way, and you have nothing to apologize for or feel tentative about.

STALKER PEOPLE, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

See, the way it really gets to me is--how do you finish writing a "real" book when you know that there is no way that could not possibly make it worse? A book about VAMPIRES? I'm going to have people living in my shrubbery three years from now.

[colleenpowell.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this creepiness.

[julietvalcouer.livejournal.com]

Even when it's not REALLY stalking, it's stalking. Or feels like it. Freaky.

Note to self, no stalking jokes. (Though I don't think I've ever made any, but still.)

[celestinenox]

Holy hell. That IS creepy.

I keep trying to convince people this Twilight shit is dangerous, because there are teens and even grown people who take it way too seriously and seem incapable of understanding that Edward's behavior on a real-live, non-vampire guy (and, well, even on a fictional vampire guy) would be considered that of an abusive, possesive, jealous, obessive boyfriend. I actually sort of went off on a poor student worker yesterday because she said she loved them. I apologized to her later, but she's at least smart enough to realize she wouldn't want a guy like that in real life.

Anyways, point being... yeah, I'm okay with Twilight as long as it's in jokes, or being made fun of, or being called out for what crap it is... but I very honestly think it's dangerous when taken seriously.

[sachielle.livejournal.com]

That is so very very not cool. I mean, fan girling/guying/whatever is one thing, but... Jesus Christ that is CREEPY.

[falco-conlon.livejournal.com]

ho-ly crap. Got it. No twilight stalking jokes from us. Good God this just reinforces all the bad things I've heard about that fandom D:

[feisty-beden.livejournal.com]

Cripes! My fangirl squee of you would never go that far. I mean, I think you are the bee's knees, and it would be cool to chill in, like, a totes breezy way and make fun of windchimes n' shit, but that's all. I still think you are brilliant though, and hilarious, and have greatly enhanced my Twi-shame experience, and I reTweet SLoD as soon as it happens, but that is ALL, man. If I'm in a carwreck, I'm not, like, "I'm fine, but how is Miss Cleo?" I'm more likely to say, "I'm find, but how is Marcus Flutie?" See, there you go.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

See, and that's the thing, I know that's how everyone (mostly, I would guess) here and on Twitter and around is. I know that it's all meant well. Most of the really upsetting stuff isn't said in public (although occasionally it has been, and I go screen it ASAP). I just don't think it's fair to get upset about something and not tell you what it is that actually upsets me--there's no reason to stop something well-intentioned if you don't know that it's upsetting, you know?

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Mercedes Lackey stopped doing conventions for several years because she was getting the crazies showing up on her doorstep in Oklahoma. She even had to stop writing that particular series because it seemed to bring out all the nutjobs who decided that "modern urban fantasy" meant "OMG it's REAL I KNEW IT!!!"

So it's not just you - people seem to just have no boundaries anymore, ESPECIALLY online.

And I don't really want to watch you write - my experience with writer friends is that it's mostly boring with the occasional shriek of vexation.

[lylassandra.livejournal.com]

The Bard series? Dammit, that was my fav. Thanks for ruining the party for the rest of us, crazies!!!

[goonie-freak.livejournal.com]

This is actually why I got out of the whole twilight fandom... some of the people in it are seriously disturbed.... I mean yeah there are a FEW well-meaning fans but most of them get a bit too fanatical... and not in the dressing up to go to the movies way... but the starting loud fights at my work because someone makes fun of twilight when they see stuff for it... I have seriously had to tell a group of girls to leave because they were yelling at me and another customer for saying that twilight was an awful movie...

[lylassandra.livejournal.com]

Mom was waiting in line at the HP premiere while my sister and I got Starbucks, and as I walked past all the endless teens in line I said something about how much Twilight sucks. My sister said that the area around us went dead quiet and she was pretty freaked. (Once she pointed that out to me I kept my opinions to myself!)

[dachelle.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're having to deal with frightening people.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah... you kinda see that I'm coming from a very particular place when discussing psychotic fans.

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

Because I'm sure your inbox isn't already on fire, I just wanted to say, like everyone else, how horrified I am on your behalf, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this craziness. It's amazing what people will do with an internet connection.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but... that's the gentle version. It's... been a bit worse than that at times. Like, "I am genuinely concerned for your safety, reader I don't know."

[anonymeet.livejournal.com]

My first response was to want to make a "this is why we can't have nice things" comment.

But I realize such a comment (and to some extent, your post) will likely only have an impact on those people saying those things in jest. Which, of course, is reason enough for your post. Some jokes don't need to be made (kind of like Borat, IMO. I get what Baron Cohen was doing. But at some point, it just crossed a line for me where I felt that - even though I understood his point - the joke shouldn't have been made). So if the Twilight stalking jokes have crossed a line for you, you are entitled to ask that they stop, which you have done in your post in the most respectful, polite manner I could imagine.

But - and this is not meant to scare - I think there are those out there of whom you are rightly wary. Lots of people feel a connection with a writer's work. In some ways, that is what makes a writer successful - the ability to write things that speak to and are meaningful for a wide audience. There is nothing so wonderful as reading something someone else wrote and feeling that there is someone else out there like you. Most people don't act on that sense of connection by reaching out to the author with the "we're soulmates" pitch. Most people understand that there is something special in what the writer created that speaks to many people and perhaps take even greater comfort in knowing that not only is the writer like them, but others of his or her fans are as well. Those people who try to act on that connection, who are possessive of that connection, are not well. There is something missing in their lives or themselves - at a minimum they need help understanding what a healthy relationship means. If you are their first foray into this kind of inappropriate behavior, you will not be their last. Those people will not get a request to maintain boundaries because they likely wouldn't be capable of doing so. They see themselves as outside the social norms of relationships with respect to their relationship to that author. They would not imagine that request to back off would apply to them because they see their connection with the author as unique, as beyond boundaries.

I imagine this is why some celebrities withdraw entirely from public life and others keep as much of their private lives to themselves as they can. Any celebrity status, including this blogging and commenting relationship, is a two way street. We get to share in your work, but in return we ought to be respectful of you and your boundaries. And if certain jokes or comments cross a line, I applaud you for letting people know so that those of us who care and strayed over accidentally, can take care to respect them in the future. But, as I fear that not everyone will be respectful of those boundaries that you set between your public life and your private one, I would understand you withholding as much of yourself as you need to maintain your integrity as a person.

I am a fan, I love your work and I genuinely appreciate the chance you give me to interact with you and your other fans via commenting. It must be overwhelming to be the object of such strange, unwanted attention. I hope that you are able to strike a balance between interacting with your community of readers and declining to respond to those people who are clearly out of bounds. I'll stick around to share in whatever of your work you are willing to share once you decide where that balance is.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

My first response was to want to make a "this is why we can't have nice things" comment.

Heh, check the tags on the entry.

But I realize such a comment (and to some extent, your post) will likely only have an impact on those people saying those things in jest.

Yeah, that's really all I'm asking for. People who are seriously troubled, they're beyond this kind of awareness anyway. I'm just telling people who wouldn't want to upset me, who would say, "Oh, shit! I didn't mean it that way!," what it is that bothers me. That's all I feel like it's possible to really do.

[soulforophelia.livejournal.com]

That's kind of ridiculously creepy. I hope you were able to block the people who were being stalker-ish. =\