Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[amberdulen.livejournal.com]

EEK.

[cellardoor28.livejournal.com]

Man, people are wierd, yo.

If you'd told me 5 years ago that there would be stranger fans out there than the Harry Potter ones, I'd have laughed. Now, not so much :p

(also, hugs).

[futureperfect.livejournal.com]

♥

Here, have an icon of a sociopath who looks smashing in uniform.

[krazycat.livejournal.com]

Whoa now. Real stalking is so not funny.

[mustang-bex1126.livejournal.com]

Holy rusted metal batman! Alright- definitely removing any and all stalkeriffic inklings from my jokes here from now on... consider me formally squicked. It would be a horrendous thing for you to look back on all the Twilight hilarity with anything other than fond memories and a side ache from too much laughter.

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

I have no words for how creepy that is, and *shudders*

I've said it before and I'll say it again: internet famous must be the suck. All of the crazies and none of the perks.

[lkmadigan.livejournal.com]

I have no interest in your hair.

Just so you know, in case you need to lock future posts.

I'm Teh Sane, and would like to be included.

Here, have some comforting candy.

[cookiedough.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD that's horrifying.

And here's the part I don't get... YOU'RE NOT EVEN NICE ABOUT TWILIGHT. How can a Twilight creepster think that you understand them better than anyone when what you are saying about Twilight is satirical, critical and ultimately, even though it's all in fun, negative?

[schmoo999.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just wow and I cannot imagine having to deal with this. I love your posts and comment rarely. '

Be safe.

O_o

I guess there are some very lonely people out there.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's kinda scary. Reason #465 why it's good to use an alias online. I hope people back off a bit, at least the ones who are more serious! Who knew Twilight fans could be so freaky?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING. How are people coming out of reading Cleo's Twilight discussions without understanding that she's not actually fangirling it the same way they are?

Oh, wait ... because they're creepy and have no grasp on reality, that's why.

[snippy]

Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry that's happening to you. I've been stalked (by two different ex-boyfriends) and it's very scary, nothing to joke about. The thing is that it is breaking the social barriers, and once you start doing that, how are other people supposed to know when you'll stop?

I once had a long distance phone call from a guy I was having an argument with online. Yes, he looked up my phone number and called me at home to continue the argument! I don't think people understand that it often makes the recipient want to shut down, withdraw from all interactions with that person, because you no longer know what to expect from them. Unpredictable behavior is very threatening.

[cookiedough.livejournal.com]

I guess the same way that it's hypocritical for them to be crazy over RPattz in the way they're crazy over Edward, and RPattz has explicitly said that he dislikes Edward, the story, and is creeped out by SMeyer. Like... What?

[katharhino.livejournal.com]

Um, ew. I wonder if these people are just as inappropriate in offline life, or do they just think it's okay to be creepy online. You know. Everyone's doing it.

Sorry you have to deal with so much general weirdness.

[ilwitchgrrl.livejournal.com]

THIS is exactly what I was wondering!? There are some pure-dee weirdos out there, for sure.

[plazmah.livejournal.com]

This is the part that boggles me more than anything else as well.

People are odd.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I don't plan on friends-locking. I mean, I think of this as a public blog; that would be counterproductive. The worst thing that would happen is that I would get so upset that I would want to stop journaling entirely, which I don't foresee happening (knock on wood), because I feel like it's important for someone who wants to be, say, a published novelist to have a communication outlet like this.

And commenters here have always been so, so supportive, so commenters aren't even the people I would want to avoid. (And I include people who generally lurk and don't say anything in that, because lurking's totally fine with me; I lurk most places I go, and I don't think it's at all weird.) And even the people who have sincerely made me uncomfortable, it never involved threats or malice; it was just very sweet people wanting something I am really not prepared or equipped or able to give.

[kittybacklash.livejournal.com]

Eugh, I will never understand why people think it's ok to be that creepy and inappropriate towards people they don't know and have never met.

Have you not said upon countless occasions exactly why you think what Edward does isn't ok?

I guess you can always count on the internet to bring the crazy.

[soleta-nf.livejournal.com]

internet famous must be the suck. All of the crazies and none of the perks.

Yes, very true.

Cleo, I'm so sorry to hear this has been happening. That really is very creepy. *hugs*

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I actually have had a number of people say, "I'm so glad that you like these books and you see why they're so great." Like... people who genuinely did not pick up that there was any sarcasm or criticism at all. Because I can't deny it, I wouldn't be spending this much time and effort talking about it if I didn't enjoy it, or at least the cultural phenomenon itself, on some level. But... yeah. I'm not a sincere, uncritical fangirl. By any means. But some readers seem to think I am.

[orca-girl.livejournal.com]

I have to assume that these are some of the same people (or the same KIND of people) who don't get that Stephen Colbert's show is a satire. And apparently, they are out there; I find it hard to wrap my head around, but there you go.

Some people lack any ability to detect irony or satire. It's really weird.

[mamapduck.livejournal.com]

I just want to send you a big squashy hug via express mail. You are not my soul mate, I just relate to some of the things you write about and am amused by far more. (Sarcastic bipolar biotches FTW!) I hope you feel better on both fronts soon.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Terrifying thought: who will eventually come along to dethrone the Twilight crazy?

[tinuviell.livejournal.com]

Stalking is not cool. I hope the people who need to see this message read it and understand that their behaviour is inappropriate. I work in a public library, and while I've never been stalked myself, several others at my workplace have, and all we're trying to do is work, which is what you're doing here, essentially. Just because you see someone every day at the library and have a nice little chat with them at the desk does not make them your friend, and just because you read someone's blog every day and laugh and enjoy their work does not make them your friend.

Please be safe; stalking truly frightens me because it's so insidious.

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

Jesus. As if you don't have enough to worry about....

I know you know this, but it bears repeating: take care of yourself first. Fret not about your fanbase or disappointing anyone. I don't think anyone can blame you for feeling uncomfortable or nauseated or...really, anything over this kind (and degree) of attention. Do whatever you need to do to get the distance from this unpleasantness that you need. Hiatus, friends-locking, changing your name to Cleolinda Maria Rodriguez, do whatever it takes. Your craft, in all its myriad forms, is fantastic, but you and your well-being take precedence. All else will wait.

And I'll even save the "what do you mean you don't drink coffee" diatribe for later. To each their own. Even if it's sick and wrong. (And this is the point where I worry, because I'm used to corresponding with you to the point of friendly familiarity, but I don't want to trigger that ten-thousand-people-in-Wal-Mart anthroclaustrophobia feeling I get. Can't speak for anyone else, but please, feel free to tall me to tone it down.)