Gloomy Sunday

[cleolinda]

So I might as well tell you that I didn't post the new Secret Life because things are better; they're worse. I posted it because if I waited for things to get better, I might never post again. I made do with the LJ site's update page (there's more formatting than for my average LJ post) and pictures from my phone instead of my camera--the family computer is healthy but old, only 30GB of storage and I don't even know what the memory's like. I don't want to download all my pet programs because I'm not sure how many of them this computer could handle, if any. So I'm just doing the best I can with what I've got. It's got Word and the internet and that's enough to do my e-book footnotes.

(Please don't send me video links, for whatever reason. There's a lot of things I can't get to work on this computer, so there's just no point. I'm sorry.)

Basically, I've been staving off panic attacks. I haven't had a purely stress-induced panic attack in years--the other one I had was because I was in a very small space with constant ear-splitting noise (read: a club with a loud band), but that kind of thing just happens. All I know is, I've spent the last two or three days feeling this tightness in my chest and shoulders and wanting to throw up--I don't think this is going to make sense, but--it's not a physical feeling. It's not an upset stomach, it's not literal chest pains. It's an emotional feeling in a physical location. I can't explain it better than that.

I think a big part of my problem is that I'm a champion worrier, and I immediately leap to the worst-case scenario--I convince myself it's inevitable. If we have potential (potential!) financial problems, OMFG WE ARE GOING TO LOSE THE HOUSE. A family argument = ARMAGEDDON. So, I mean... a lot of that is something I have to consciously work on, if I recognize that I'm doing it. (I did go see my doctor last week, and we did talk about this. That, and staying out of other people's conflicts, and refusing if necessary to be involved.)

So. Anyway. I don't know. I'm just trying to get my not-stomach upset and my not-muscle tightness to calm down long enough to let me focus and work.

And just so this entry isn't unrelentingly grim, here's a picture of the downstairs office--set up by my parents for if/when they have to work on the weekends--where I work now. The black and white tote bag on the left is mine, for hauling my drafts and flash drive and headphones and what-all up and down and all around the house.

Comments

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

All I know is, I've spent the last two or three days feeling this tightness in my chest and shoulders and wanting to throw up--I don't think this is going to make sense, but--it's not a physical feeling. It's not an upset stomach, it's not literal chest pains. It's an emotional feeling in a physical location. I can't explain it better than that.

You just pretty much described the exact same feeling I've been trying and failing at shrugging off all week long. I haven't been able to write, my eyelid keeps twitching, and if my stomach isn't rolling I'm giving myself a monster headache. And nothing I've tried is settling my nerves. *sigh*

[newroticgirl.livejournal.com]

Hope the pressure eases soon.

When talking in my journal about my own emotional issues of late (and how I've been not posting, not commenting, not interacting etc), a friend said this: You only owe your friends your own personal health.

[speaks.livejournal.com]

Cleo. I have huge anxiety issues. I inherited them from my father. He would literally wake up in the middle of the night convinced that one of my sisters was pregnant or that the house was on fire. My mother would have to calm him down to get him back to sleep.

When the economy went south, my income from my small business was cut in half from 2006 to 2007 and again from 2007 to 2008. I had panic attacks. I went for days without sleeping. I spent about 6 months between 2007 and 2008 taking Klonopin so I could sleep and function.

The things you describe are EXACTLY the same types of things I go through when I am in a high anxiety mode. The only thing I can offer is that the feelings pass. Just ride them as well as you can and do what you need to do in order to get through them. Once you get on the other side, things will get better and perspective will return.

You ave my positive thoughts and energy. I will pray for you. I doubt I am the only one who cares about your well being. All of us are batting for you. You are NOT alone.

If this helps. I want 2 new True Blood Recaps. I miss them. They are funny! :)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I'm not in any condition to write new recaps at this point.

[salamandersam.livejournal.com]

I think, considering the extreme amount of stress you've had to deal with, that what you're feeling is normal. Also, you have the advantage of being self-aware and conscious of what is going on. It's not a big advantage, but I think it improves your odds of getting through it. I also think you are handling things remarkably well.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Because... I feel so incredibly weak that I can't handle this. I'm mostly freaking out over other people's problems--and maybe that's why, because they touch me without me actually being able to do anything about it--and I feel hideously weak that I just want someone to swoop in and rescue me and wave a wand and make things better.

[baku-chan.livejournal.com]

Well that office looks cozy and clean which IMO is the best kind of place to write in so....Good luck on your work and everything else that may come your way this year :)

[cellardoor28.livejournal.com]

You know what my mental health is like, so all I can offer is *hugs*.

Oh, and puppies (http://www.tantripp.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/puppies2.jpg).

[elbales]

Chibi Totoro! ♥

[lilyofshalott]

Oh Cleo, I hope things get better for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. ::hugs::


And I love your office set-up—especially the "library lamp" (what I call that sort of lamp, at least) and the ROLLTOP DESK!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

It's my stepfather's, and I covet it for myself like WHOA.

[elbales]

Big hugs if you want them.

Please just take care of yourself, okay? Don't even worry about updating. Anyone who would get upset with you for not doing Secret Life or whatever, is not worth even thinking about.

That said, I too am a champion worrier. So I know a little of how it feels.

[aranel13.livejournal.com]

Try some Valerian Root, found in any pharmacy over the counter. It's the only thing that saves my sanity at times, since I can't even DRINK much.

[lady-findel.livejournal.com]

I hope that there are some good things in store for you and your family in the future. It might ease the worrying.

[rossywar.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean - I think of the tightness in my chesy as my whole torso is tense (not just my shoulders, I mean pffff!) and that includes my diaphragm and all those muscle that make my ribcage move up and down just tenses up and I can't hardly move. Anyway, it is horrible and makes you feel like you totally can't breathe/having a heart attack which doesn't help with the panicking at all.

I've found that doing yoga/physical exercise of some kind does help a bit with anxiety/panic attacks.

[elbales]

I second this. Yoga is awesome.

Here, have a funny icon!

[flaxenescapee.livejournal.com]

You'll get through this, and it will get better. I'm not saying that in an attempt to gloss over the issue, but because it's true, and you probably already know it, too.

Hang in there. Don't get too down on yourself. And: *HUGS*

Re: Here, have a funny icon!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, when I was in college having a different nervous breakdown for every paper/exam, I used to tell myself that no matter how awful it was, no matter how bad I was about to fail, it would all be over in however many hours/days. If it was a paper--no matter how miserable I was trying to finish it, at least it was only five hours of misery and then it somehow would be over, you know?

[lotuseyes.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: from everything you've described over the past...well while...I'd be surprised if it wasn't getting to you. Its jolly good to know you can ordinarily handle this sort of thing, or this sort of thing could be worse then it is, but that doesn't help your feelings of anxiety.

i'm sure a lot of us can relate to feelings of anxiety of a sort of helpless 'this will get better but its not so it needs to get better' sort. I've had enough anxiety attacks over the past few months that I give my family anxiety when I even look like I'm losing it.

It can and will get better, and one day you will look back and think 'I did the best I could in that situation'.

[emmaorgana.livejournal.com]

Do what you need to do to make yourself better. At your own pace.

[reynardine.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what you're describing is pure anxiety. And honestly? It's perfectly natural to feel anxiety given the bucketloads of crap you'd been dealt by life this summer. No mental health issues needed, so-called "normal" people would melt down over that.

Interesting fact from the Land of Bipolar: did you know that some psych meds used to help rein in mania can aggravate anxiety problems? Varies from person to person, but it is an issue that I've had to deal with for years while balancing my med cocktail. I have to take a separate med to counteract that issue. You might ask your doctor about this if anxiety continues to be an issue?

Hang in there, hon.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

You know, that's a good point. That was something my doctor and I were looking for when I was first diagnosed with depression--she was afraid that treating that would leave me unbalanced and there'd be a ton of mania (there wasn't, which was why we didn't realize I was hypomanic for a long, long time. And it may have been that the cycling wasn't very pronounced at the time). And I did just increase my Lamictal in early July. That might really be part of the problem--I felt like it was keeping me on a more even keel (I had an actual manic episode the week before I went up), or helping me from having a complete meltdown during all this. But maybe it's regulating one side and aggravating the other one. Maybe we need to reduce one of the other antidepressants to counteract that... (Sorry, I just totally started thinking out loud.)

[xerinmichellex.livejournal.com]

I can relate to what you're going through. I ALWAYS expect the worst in any given situation. I've got my manuscript out to a couple agents right now and all I'm filled with is the thought that they're going to reject them and I'm never going to find representation and my life is just going to be a dead end...

Hopefully your pain stays in the emotional state. I was a great worrier during 8th grade and into high school and developed stomach ulcers. Trust me, not fun at all.

I'm sending you good vibes with the rest of your followers.

[sarapada.livejournal.com]

I can 100% sympathize with the worst-case-scenario-ing and the taking-on-other-people's-stuff-ing - I do both myself, quite often (especially in terms of financial situations, which for me are always twelve times worse and scarier than anything else). I think the fact that you are not only continuing to plug away at whatever you can, but that you are also willing to be open about it in your journal, takes an extraordinary amount of strength and courage, and I applaud you for that 100%.

Also, to counter people that are STILL asking you for things, I don't care if you never do another SLoD or M15M (although I love them dearly, and would miss them) - you are not a performing monkey. I just hope things get better for you.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, I wish what they'd realize is--I know they mean it as a compliment, generally*: "I like what you write so much that I wish there was more." But the way I feel is, "I can't provide that to you now, and now I've disappointed you so now I feel bad."


* One time I posted--I can't even think what it was, maybe it was even Twilight in Fifteen Minutes, which I'd half-killed myself over--and someone just said straight out, "I wish you'd posted a recap instead." Nothing else, just that one sentence. That made me feel something, but "bad" wasn't it.

[megalosaurus.livejournal.com]

"All I know is, I've spent the last two or three days feeling this tightness in my chest and shoulders and wanting to throw up--I don't think this is going to make sense, but--it's not a physical feeling"

I remember this feeling from when I was super super full of anxiety my freshman year of college, it's not fun at all. I really hope you can find something that calms you down.

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

Worry is the PITS. Been there. (Still go there sometimes.) Recognizing the worst-case-scenario habit and working on it is a big step in the right direction -- keep it up. I'll be praying for you.

[lisa-zj.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that everything is so all over the place for you right now Cleo. I know that it will get better but I also know surviving til it does is easier said that done. But I do agree totally with the doctor about other people's conflicts. There's usually nothing really that you can actually do to resolve anything for them, just sympathize, offer moral support and stay out. Tough to do though if it's family.

[chorusgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that you and your PDoc have discussed this, but...

Ativan. Seriously.

I was having mega panic attacks, and was given ativan as a quick acting stopfreakingoutnow med, and it worked really well.

It's not anything good for daily use, but when you're starting to panic and can't get calm (ie: this past month for you), it's really really helpful.

Just a thought.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I hope you feel better.

[crucioveritas.livejournal.com]

Cleo.. I don't know if this makes a difference or not. But I actually wanted to thank you for posting a update to SloD.. because it really does make a bad day better.

You are a great person and things may be shitty right now. But at least.. you know you are a good person. Take some time off for yourself. Work on your book, I am dying to read it. If you have any available, I suggest trying to take a little lemon grass, and warm tea and just brew it for the smell. Its a great relaxer.

[softnewtowel.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean about the chest pains. I had an email about family drama and the next day my chest hurt so bad i actually did throw up. I hope things get better for you guys. Just keep up the deep breathing. Woo-sah, Goose-fraba :)

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I"m sorry. Hang in there. Being displaced from one's computer is no fun. Sometimes a computer is as much a home as a house is.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And--well, it's not even that so much as the rootlessness. Because it's a family room and five different people need the computer at various times, I don't even know when I'll be able to get to it, so there's nothing the least bit like a routine or any kind of normalcy. And it's not my room, it's not my chair, all my music is on the dead computer, other people come through to do whatever (as they should be able to)--I just don't feel the least bit settled, and I didn't expect that I'd still be here six weeks later.