Friday Friday Friday meh

[cleolinda]

Depression, I have often said, is like an influenza of the soul. A spiritual hamthrax, if you will. I has it. Do not want.

It's actually starting to worry me a little, the intensity of this go-round--it's not the usual stone-cold ennui. Normally I'm not this bad off until after New Year's (well, except for the pity party I throw myself every year in the weeks leading up to my birthday), and, again: that's more of a seasonal apathy-funk. This involves a lot of dread and distress and, at times, actual panic involved. I have to think this is because things are just generally bad around here at the moment, and have been for a good while now. Two different family members are having job-related crises, for example. I'm having performance anxiety in terms of trying to write, I don't have a dependable place to work, I'm just generally very unhappy. But it's taking on a hysterical edge that makes me uncomfortable--I keep having urges to act out in some way. I don't mean harm myself or anyone else; I mean, like, throw a gigantic melodramatic fit du shit. I know I had that minor meltdown where I started throwing shit earlier this summer, but that is the ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE I have ever done anything like that. So I'm not used to having the urge to, like, flounce from the internet for the hell of it or something. And that's why I'm sitting here talking about it so calmly, because I feel like the only way to combat irrationality is with detachment. Take an overview of the thing, recognize what you're doing, shove it into the light of day. So... yeah.

(By the way, laptop has been ordered; money has cleared checking account. It will take about two weeks from November 3rd for Dell to build and ship it, what with the custom art and the crazy-ass 17" facial recognition screen. I don't even know. I spent a ridiculous, extravagant amount of money because I could, and it felt GOOD.)

A little Twi-spam for the hell of it, since Sparklemas is fast approaching:

I hear Tour of Terror II begins today? Blessedly, I am not seeing any mention of appearances by the three leads, so those of you in the affected cities will probably not have to evacuate.

What Drives Edward? A lust for fragrantly whiny teenage girls, I'm assuming. Meanwhile, I can't believe that it took Volvo this long to get on the bandwagon. The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice is from THE BOOK. Where were your marketing execs when the first movie came out?

T-REX, VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS AND LITTLE DINOSAUR VAMPIRES SOUNDS PRETTY CUTE TO ME

@socleveromg: "http://twitpic.com/ofhkg - Twilight Luna makeup. Why does Alice have Jem colors?"

"He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually."

@cleolinda Um, hello: David Cronenberg. RT @mtvmoviesblog: Who Should Direct 'Breaking Dawn'? Tim Burton!

@mtvmoviesblog @cleolinda Cronenberg. I love it. Someone call Jamie Campbell Bower and tell him he got it wrong. Burton's out, Cronenberg's in.

@cleolinda @mtvmoviesblog I honestly thought he'd taken over for the middle of the book. Maybe Ridley Scott? He has experience with chest bursters...

"Honey, it's Ok, this is what we do at these signings." D:<

And to think that I had forgotten about the Jacob sleeper.

I think that's about enough for today.


(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Comments

[sunni-sideup.livejournal.com]

They totally changed the Volvo from the first movie, too. X( I don't understand their ways!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I am waiting for the inevitable fan outcry that it is not SILVER anymore ZOMG OME etc.

[raanve]

Thanks for talking openly about the way depression is impacting you. I have chronic Major Depressive Disorder (with a delicious side of anxiety), and it's been really helpful to me to both write about it, and to read when others write about it. It makes it less isolating.

On an unrelated note: yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read "I drive like a Cullen". I would take this to mean, "I do not value my life or the lives of mortals and should therefore not be on the road at rush hour." But then we all pulled away from the light and this car DROVE IN A PERFECTLY NORMAL FASHION. So, you know. What a ridiculous bumper sticker to put on your family van.

[edda.livejournal.com]

I AM VERY CAREFUL WHEN I TAKE THE FAMILY MINIVAN OUT TO BUY SCRAPBOOKING MATERIALS; IT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO FLAUNT THE LAW.

/hopes the joke is recognized/goes over

[edda.livejournal.com]

That is one freakaliciously gorgeous laptop you have coming. I am thrilled for you.

Also, WHAT THE HELL, CRAZY FAN-MOM!?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

They discontinued the all-purple art I wanted. *walrusface*

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

So much do-not-want at that sleeper.

[artemis-lizzie.livejournal.com]

Seriously. It should totally be labeled with a warning like those panties.

[emerald-skies.livejournal.com]

Is it bad that nothing the Twihards do even remotely shocks me/scares me/makes me react at all anymore? I just shake my head and am like "Oh, those wacky Twihards".

(I also have no intention of leaving my apartment for at least 48 hours when The Shit Hits The Fan, considering I live less than five minutes from a movie theater in a good-sized college town).

[xerinmichellex.livejournal.com]

I spit milk all over the TV when I first saw that Volvo commercial and now they play it All. The Time.

Also, sorry to hear about the anxiety your feeling. Sometimes it helps to step back from the computer screen and take a break. I was going through the same thing last week. Taking a breather helped me. I dunno. I hope things get better for you.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

If it helps, it's not just you. This has been a really crappy brain year.

[cupcakery.livejournal.com]

I find it interesting that nearly everyone I know that has some form of depression-spectrum disorder (myself included) have major self-pity parties leading up to their birthdays. Bah. :/

My worry is that said possible fit might continue to grow until it just snaps (also from experience- thanks, hospitalization-needing meltdowns!). Daylight savings times and general weather suck doesn't help, does it?

[dylan-weir.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I find this to be true. Anxiety to do with age aside, maybe it's also the expectation of focus drawn towards yourself? It's a difficult thing to examine.
So for this reason I'm glad/proud(?) Cleo can write about how she is feeling. It takes a lot of strength :)

[greyduck.livejournal.com]

A lust for fragrantly whiny teenage girls...

For a split second I read that as "flagrantly." Six of one, half dozen of the other, perhaps.

On another topic: Hang in there? I don't really have good advice for getting through an Epic Funk Of Epic Gloom, but... well, my thoughts are with you.

Also: New computer with art is epic-win-level retail therapy, in my book! *grin*

[adelledae.livejournal.com]

have you ever considered what you're eating can affect your mood? I've heard consuming natural estrogen (like in beans) can help balance mood/aniexty

[acaciakitty.livejournal.com]

I think I know exactly what you are feeling. When I get that way, I feel like I've got this giant load of scream-vomit that is about to burst out at any second if I do not continue to rein it in. It feels like if I could just thrash around throwing a huge fit and let it all out it would be better. And the more I suppress, the worse I feel.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to feel better soon. At least you have a lovely new laptop on the way! And here is hoping that the job related problems ease up, too.

[setauuta.livejournal.com]

"Scream-vomit" may be, well, an utterly revolting image, but it's so very fitting.

I find that I start wanting someone to start something so I can have a legitimate reason to start screaming. Alas, as I am not longer in college in the dorms, the sources for scream-worthy drama are few and far between.

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

I've read so many parodies that I didn't expect much from the Harvard Lampoon, but damn did they do a good job of nailing SMeyer's crappy, crappy writing style.

I had a dejected, brooding expression on my face, and I could tell from the reflection in the window that it was also an intriguing expression. It seemed out of place, coming from a girl in a sleeveless, lacy top and bell-bottom jeans (stars on the back pockets). But I was that kind of girl — out of place. Then I shifted from that place on the dashboard to a normal position in the seat. Much better.

[kuzujuk.livejournal.com]

I agree! I'm almost glad I read Twilight so I can now appreciate their parody at its fullest.

[pippie-poppins.livejournal.com]

Those links get progressively scary. OMG.

Dear Twi-Mom,

Love,
Me

(I hope you feel better soon.)

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm glad to hear the new laptop is on its way.

I love Dinosaur Comics. T-Rex FTW.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

When I start feeling the need to do something melodramatic, I put on my most flamboyant clothes, bling up, do my makeup, and hang out with people while being fabulous. Looking like I just walked out of a Renfaire will usually keep me from doing something drastic, like throwing bottles at people or whatever.

[greedyskunk.livejournal.com]

I had a friend in college who would dress up in Renfaire clothes (or as a fairy) and go play in the school fountain at midnight when she was cycling through her moods.

[speaks.livejournal.com]

Do you generally find your depression is worse right before your birthday? I have always said that "November is my worst month" or "I always have a shitty November" and I have blamed it on my birthday (November 22)

I often said its just in my head, or a result of the darker days (Like Seasonal Affective Disorder only milder) but I wonder if there is some actual psychological/chemical component to depression before birthdays.

[count-01.livejournal.com]

Maybe there is? for guys anyway. Men's mood cycle tend to go in 3-month intervals, according to at least a couple of studies (http://holyhormones.com/natural-cycles/hormone-cycles-in-men/) and if your birthday is in November or October (or April/May) that may well sync up with your birthday pretty exactly.

For me, the only way to drag myself out of a truly major depression (like the one that hit me like a collapsing building right after my wife left) was the gym. I could put on my headphones, sweat and strain and curse and pant and at the end of it all, stagger into the steam room and feel pure and young again when I got out of the shower, if only for an hour. Then of course, I had to go back to work, but for that hour I felt better, and rediscovering my waist made me feel better too.

I guess my most comforting thought for today is: like all things under heaven and earth, this too shall pass.

[jenaiabird.livejournal.com]

Cleo,
I know you don't know me from Adam (Eve?), and at the risk of sounding like your typical "me too!" fan, i empathize and resonate with a lot of what you're saying.

I have been dealing with untreated variations of depression for over 20 yrs, and the thing I've noticed over the last few years is that my normal coping mechanisms no longer work, and that yes... they do seem to be more extreme and pushing more "over the top" reactions... such as me completely losing my sh!t and thrashing about and trying to tear a sapling out of the ground... causing a broken watch and a sore wrist in the process.

I don't have answers, just wanted to say that many of us understand, and empathize, and offer whatever support we can and that you're willing to accept :)

thank you for the linkspam and the Secret Life of Dolls and the many moons ago Lost recaps (which got me here in the first place). I appreciate your gift of writings here :)

[icepearls.livejournal.com]

that parody is just god-awful :d

[flossiepots.livejournal.com]

i saw a volvo advert in the Times (uk paper) with Edward posed next to it and nearly spit my drink all over it, i was laughing so hard. it was all sophisticated looking and posh...except for the vampire standing seriously there, caressing a car.

[neko-chan.livejournal.com]

Oh, oh, speaking of that comic, I thought you'd also get a kick out of this one: http://www.twolumps.net/d/20091104.html Hee.... I love those cats. Two pop culture things poked at for the price of one! Also, yay you with shiny new toys... enjoy!

[katharhino.livejournal.com]

Hoping for you that your laptop comes sooner than expected! You must be DYING with anticipation after all this time. Also... wow, pretty. I didn't know computers could BE that pretty.

[savvy-implet.livejournal.com]

So, as someone who's also been battling the depressionthrax for a number of years, I know it won't cheer you up, but perhaps it will at least provide some amusement: the most awesome LOST-related shirt ever (http://www.teefury.com/). "MAAAAAALT Liquor" is involved. (If it's gone off the front page by the time you see it, I uploaded the design on the shirt to tinypic here (http://i35.tinypic.com/2ufx6c7.jpg).

Also, I SO want to read Nightlight now.

[kat23a.livejournal.com]

Ooo, depressionthrax. I like that more than depressionista.

[kat23a.livejournal.com]

Hmm...well, speaking from one depressionista to another, have you tried therapy or medication? Both helped me get through my latest slog through downerland, and I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that you can get most depression prescriptions for only about $5 at Wal-Mart, even without insurance.

Other than that, get out and exercise a bit (it helps get rid of some anxiety, since it eats up adrenaline and that nervous energy that's making you want to run around screaming or whatever), and maybe try some omega-3 fatty acid supplements, they've been proven to lower depression in some populations.

So, er....I'll form the arms, you form the legs? By our powers combined, we are Captain Emo? C'mon, let's get some more depressionista tips out here!

[saralinda.livejournal.com]

I second the exercise advice and trying to eat well. Also cutting back on caffeine. Depression meds have never worked for me, but they do for some, might be worth a try.

[aquidis.livejournal.com]

That sleeper...I don't even. I thought I was immune to the ridiculousness of Twilight merch. I gues I was wrong. D:

[diner]

I'm so sorry you have panic attacks and depression right now; it can be so difficult to manage sometimes. :(

I'm a little bipolar and have panic attacks and depression as well and I'm so thankful for my friends and family who have helped me through this.

Just assuming that you are surrounded by people equally as awesome and lovely as you - do you have people to talk to? I'm not sure what to say, exactly, but I sincerely hope things improve for you and your loved ones.

*big hugs*