On the fifth day of Sparklemas...

[cleolinda]

... my blogger gave to me: IIIIIIIII'M NOT A FAAAAAAAN.

MSNBC: Why doesn’t ‘Twilight’ have a Team Bella?

And there I am, front and center--described as "Cleolinda Jones, a 31-year-old 'Twilight' fan from Birmingham, Ala," in a turn of phrase that elicited great chagrin on Twitter.

@cleolinda: I love how this is what stops everyone short. RT @gorgeousnerd: @cleolinda: Calling you a "Twilight fan" doesn't seem descriptive enough.

@mellymell: @cleolinda Heh, so I wasn't the only one who went "huh" when I read that. 

@aranel13: @cleolinda You're more like a Twilight den mother.

@QueenofSix: @cleolinda I feel that Twilight victim might be more accurate!

Honestly, this is something I have been struggling with since 2008, as can be heard in this audio clip ("SHUT UP!"). I would say that truly "being a fan" of something involves a genuine sense of admiration, which... I don't have. (Except, maybe, for the brave souls grappling with the task of adapting these books into functional movies; I have been known to express a lot of admiration for them.) And yet, I spend too much time talking about this godforsaken thing to argue the "fan" label in good conscience. Because you know what? Star Wars fans spend a lot of time complaining and snarking and bagging on George Lucas, and yet... no one denies that they are, in fact, still fans. The best excuse I can make for myself is that Twilight may be a unique media phenomenon in which people love to hate it (and hate to love it) as vocerifously as the people who straight-up love it. And, of course, there's the fanthropology aspect, which fascinates me across the board. It's complicated, is what I'm saying. But if I weren't having fun, I wouldn't be here right now. So.

(I will say that the "I am so sick of posting Twi-spam, I can't stand it anymore" issue from Sparklemas 2008, as mentioned in that clip, isn't a problem now, because I've just started picking a few things and commenting on them, rather than doing exhaustive clearinghouse posts.)

Meanwhile, Roger Ebert posted on Twitter that both Variety and the Hollywood Reporter have given Eclipse good--good!--reviews. (And you know they're sincerely good reviews because both sites actually take the time to snark on the rest of the series.) And then, you have to take into account this interview with director David Slade, wherein his approach to the movie seems to boil down to "BE VAMPIRES, GODDAMMIT!" You guys? I think... I think he's made it... awesome.

Unfortunately, this is going to make my job very, very hard. That's okay. I try not to post these things until at least the Monday after a movie comes out, because of the joyous "Now I don't have to see the movie!" comments I get. (Not that I could ever take away a significant amount of business from any film, but I'd like to cover my ass, and the first weekend seems to be the most important.) And if I go see it on Wednesday (the Lovely Emily and I are developing plans to this effect) (tickets acquired! Sparkle help us all), I'll have a good four days before I could even post it if I wanted to. Granted, writing the Twilight 15Ms seems to involve a ten-day tailspin, on average, but what I'm saying is, I'll have a good four days' head start on the meltdown.

We have a little movement on the Edward Cullen Cat situation--snowcoma has begun the process of trying to adopt him for her mother ("I am ready to form a PRAYER CIRCLE to make sure this little guy gets to live with my mom"), but apparently one cannot just walk into Mordor a pet store and rescue a cat; one has to consult various agencies and foster families and such. I will indulge myself now of visions of Edward's foster-owner-mother being perfectly pleasant on the phone with someone, and then calling up the Humane Society like, "Ixnay on that one, she says she has a 'lion and lamb' tattoo. I told you, no fangirls!" Whereas I imagine the pet store itself is desperate to place him.

cleolinda: You know the people at the pet store are just like, "You seem nice, he'll go to a good home, that's great, JUST PLEASE TAKE HIM, IT'S KILLING US." Can you imagine poor homeless Edward Cat chagrining at you all day long?

windowintheface: "Of course no one wants to adopt me. I'm a monster."

cleolinda: Tiny, masochistic lion!

windowintheface: You're like my own personal brand of catnip.

He's dangerous for you, what if he's the bad cat, this is the fur of a killer, etc. (Although this does bring a new meaning to that scene in the first movie where Actual Edward's reading people's minds: "Sex... money... sex... money... cat?") PLEASE APPROVE THIS ADOPTION, HUMANE SOCIETY. I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THAT SAD LITTLE FACE.

Comments

[glenvorian.livejournal.com]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the little guy!

[beth-shulman.livejournal.com]

1) I'm having the same struggling-with-fandom situation (If you're not a fan, why do you know so much about it?) Gosh. I'm in it for the lulz, okay?

2)Good reviews? This may be an alternate universe. Heh. The trailer still cracks me up, though.

3) MSNBC may have just lost the little credibily they still had. DO YOUR RESEARCH, people. It's in your job description.

Also: Twilight den mother is so awesome and so, so apt.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, I mean, I talked on the phone with the reporter and made it pretty clear (I thought). I think any confusion there is a matter of space considerations--they couldn't spare an extra ten words to describe conflicted feelings I myself have a hard time articulating. Or they decided not to mince words and call it what it is.

Although, really, we could have solved this problem by simply saying "writer" instead of "Twilight fan."

[alliancesjr.livejournal.com]

I said it before, but I've never seen a cat give a "Last Puppy In A Pet Store" face before.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

AH GOD THAT'S A HORRIBLE WAY TO THINK OF IT

He's accompanied by his own Sarah McLachlan song, isn't he?

This is why I'm not allowed to go to pet stores. Or walk past them. Or think about them.

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

"Twilight mocker" would be so much more fitting, I think. Too bad they didn't think of that.

As for poor Edward Cat, I just hope whoever takes him is willing to supply him with plenty of scrapbooking material.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

They can keep a scrapbook of him! Which is pretty much what I do with my dogs anyway, with all the pictures I post of them.

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

I think, really, there's a new category for Twilight when it comes to fandom. I loathe the series, but I can lol at it, and I talk a whole damn lot about it. I would never, ever call myself a fan though. Anti-fan is commonly used as a term for people like me, but I'm not sure that's satisfying enough.

[beth-shulman.livejournal.com]

Yup, same here. And it's so entertaining that something so vapid engenders such analysis. That's half the lulz for me. ("What are you arguing so intensely about? Huh? Twilight?")

[ceebeegee.livejournal.com]

Aw, what a precious wee beastie! Good luck with bringing him home, snowcoma!

[unicornluvr.livejournal.com]

For you: http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs042.snc4/34460_405675293921_102143588921_4644901_1762104_n.jpg

Love, The Internets.

[plazmah.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha, I love this.

[rufinia.livejournal.com]

It's only the fact that I am IN LONDON that I haven't flown to Seattle, broken into the store, taken the poor little masochistic lion, brought him home to Boston with the boatload of antihistamines my roommate would need to take, in addition to the storefull of Lush products I would have need to presented to her as a bribe for OMG CAN WE PLEASE GIVE THIS KITTY A HOME

Although the international aspect gives it a whole new flavor of How Could This Plan Possibly Go Wrong...

[quicksilvermad.livejournal.com]

...

Does "satire" just not translate anymore? I mean, Smeyer doesn't seem to understand that The Princess Bride is satire (she once compared Bella to Buttercup and was all: "Bella's a better character.") so maybe that's it. No one gets mockery anymore.

I'm chagrinned to think of what would happen if "A Modest Proposal" was reprinted.

By the way, I admire your strength and ability to analyze these books without resorting to the drastic means (http://quicksilvermad.livejournal.com/284912.html) of dealing with this nonsense the way I did. I lost my temper big time.

[unicornluvr.livejournal.com]

she once compared Bella to Buttercup and was all: "Bella's a better character."

I. . .what. . .this. . .happened? Please no.

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

Actual Edward's reading people's minds: "Sex... money... sex... money... cat?"

Best line in the movie. Well, only good line in the movie.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

IDK, I'm fond of "You can google it." In fact, there's a number of lines that I am convinced are meant to make Edward look like a dork on purpose. At one point, he can't think of something to say and just walks away from Bella mid-conversation without a word. I mean, let's face it: he's 100 years old and he's still in high school. He's going to have some problems.

Which, honestly, is the reason I have developed an affection for the way Melissa Rosenberg wrote the first movie, because rather than have Edward be a poised male model-type like the book, he's a doof with his first girlfriend, and it makes sense. The part where he takes her to meet the family is just pure teenage boy, and it's a lot more relatable and psychologically believable than beige turtlenecks and high-handedness.

Which is one of the problems with the setup of the whole series, IMO. Meyer comes at it from the angle of, "A 100-year-old vampire at my school falls in love with me!" rather than, "I'm a 100-year-old vampire, why the hell am I still in high school?" So the way Rosenberg writes it, you can see what the logical consequences of that kind of arrested development are.

(And once again, I have put TOO MUCH THOUGHT into this damn thing.)

[insomniacafe547.livejournal.com]

*peeps*
I got pre-show tickets so I'm seeing it on Tuesday evening. Want me to fill you in on whether David Slade did, indeed, make it awesome?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, let me be surprised. I've heard a ton of advance squee from fans who went to screening events, though. I have yet to hear a single negative reaction, which is a bit startling.

[xerinmichellex.livejournal.com]

I like how this Operation: Save Edward Cullen Cat cat adoption has turned into a three-man operation. Animal adoptions from the shelter are sooo much quicker. Just fill out a couple forms--in which the questions are hilarious--and you've got a brand new pet. I hope everything works out.

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

1) Oh no, based on the age group of all the other women they interviewed for that MSNBC article, Cleo, you look like you might be a...Twimom. *sob*

2) WHAT THEY THINK BELLA IS MORE REALASKLDFJ;ASDF REALISTIC THAN AL;SDKJFAD HERMIONE GRANGER WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

*cries in the corner, looking to regain shreds of rationality*

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

OH GOD. Yeah, I think by the technical definition of the Twilight Moms site, you only really have to be 25+. You don't have to have kids at all.

I would like to suggest a corollary where someone who does not have kids can self-identify as a Twimom, so as to participate in the community, but someone who does not self-identify cannot be libeled labeled a Twimom by a third party. Because, seriously. I can't live with that. I'm not a fan and I'm not a mom, white chocolate is neither white nor chocolate, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

[sevenmarie.livejournal.com]

"windowintheface: "Of course no one wants to adopt me. I'm a monster."
cleolinda: Tiny, masochistic lion!"

inappropriately loud laughter at work is inappropriate

[melydia.livejournal.com]

Only sort of on topic: I recently read The Host (I don't know why, so don't ask), and by the end of it I wanted to remove "sob," "chagrin," and "in a low voice" from Meyer's lexicon. I'd been led to believe that because she was writing for an adult audience that her writing was improved over the Twilight books. Sadly, that is not the case.

Just in case you were feeling masochistic and wanted to read it, for some reason.

i personally read it...

[starnightmuse.livejournal.com]

and i found it better than Twilight by far.

I actually liked all the characters, and Wanda.

so out of curiosity, other than the pointed repeated vocabulary, what you didn't liked about it?

[fading-october.livejournal.com]

I'm really excited about the awesomeness aspect. I damn well deserve it sitting through that much Jacob in New Moon. Although now I have to sit through the triangle of doom...oh well. I loved 30 days of Night....Slade did a pretty decent job so I have hope.

I really want that kitty. :( I just suspect it'd be a bit difficult to make happen all the way in Ohio and my cat Sparta would probably duel it out for my affections.

[ruthisme.livejournal.com]

Sparta is so adorable, not that it needs mentioning.

[zombie-matrix.livejournal.com]

Hearing you say that Eclipse might be awesome makes me actually excited. I did not think it was possible. But I am actually excited.

[flameelf.livejournal.com]

I don't think enjoying the bizarre nature of something automatically makes you a 'fan' of it, and your fascination with All Weirdness Attached to Twihard Fandom isn't really "being a fan of Twlight", it's more of a combination "OMG/WTF/Huh?" reaction from the outside of said Fandom.

The stories are purely BEGGING to be parodied.
The fandom is absolutely frothing at the mouth to be parodied.
All the ancillary merchandise for the franchise is screaming for attention.
And all of the above is basically UNAWARE of the natural irony built into it all. Or perhaps it's just gob-smacked by the flowing rush that is Twiland of the Cullens.

Personally, I've loved all of what you've done about Twilight as a series, because it reflects my own reactions to it: rather that "OMG did I really just see/read/hear that?!@?!" reaction, as well as being dumbfounded at the reactions of those who tend to take their fandom a bit TOO seriously. Apply liberally to any other fandom you like: Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc.

Good on you, Cleolinda!

Grey :)

[julietvalcouer.livejournal.com]

You're not a fan, you're a fanthropologist studying the strange life forms that are Twilight fans.

And OMG SAD KITTY FACE! (I will never be an evil overlord. You could just throw kitties and puppies at me making sad faces and I'd be there going "Whosasadwiddlekitty? You is! Yes you is!")

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

"Who is a precious widdle catpire? Yes him is! Yes him is a precious baby!" *DEATH SNUGGLE*

Yeah, I pretty much go straight for the pets whenever I'm over at someone else's house. It's ridiculous.

[vega-pleiades.livejournal.com]

I didn't think it was possible, but David Slade actually made the sparkling sound... kinda cool. Or at least not so much like it's just random bishie sparkle.

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

It killed me that Slade obviously put far, far, FAR more thought into the sparkling than SMeyer ever did.

Good kitty news!

[snowcoma.livejournal.com]

I spoke with Edward's foster mommy, and she's all for my mom adopting Edward! She spoke with my mom, and said that she also has another cat she thinks would be a good match, and they decided that I shall meet the second kitty and make my decision. This is going to play merry havoc with my heartstrings, as I am already attached to Edward, but I am a TOTAL SUCKER and am going to wibble over the second kitty,Jacob Hank (a snuggly flame-point siamese) no matter what. It's almost impossible for me to be objective at this point, because I've spent the past few days obsessing over whether or not Edward could even be adopted.

The good news here is that neither of them is facing euthanasia. But I still get to meet two cats and only pick one. *flails wildly*

I shall keep you updated!

Re: Good kitty news!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

It is probably not appropriate for me, as a stranger who doesn't know what's best for your mother, at this point to get down on my knees and beg you to adopt Edward Cat.

[narnian-dreamer.livejournal.com]

Actual Edward's reading people's minds: "Sex... money... sex... money... cat?"

All I could think of during that scene was that surely most of the people in a restaurant would be thinking about food?

And no one is having a dinner conversation? About anything (other than sex, money, and cats)?

Unless Edward is being overly broad and labeling under "sex" all thoughts about on'e dining companion and any other people, and all thoughts relating to careers or any non-free leisure activities under "money?"

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I know, right? There needed to be a whole lot more "food" and "work" in there. Because there are plenty of things about your job you can stew over that have nothing to do with the actual earning of money.

[phorie.livejournal.com]

Wow, complicated. Wonder if it's just that shelter or US vs Aus process.
One day I walked into our shelter and said "I want that one", filled out a form, got a free bag of food and stuff and that was that.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how we got Bad Cat. It must be this particular pet store/shelter relationship.

[falenimortal117.livejournal.com]

Cleo, you should totally make a point of furthering your study of Fanthropology. You could write a book about the various insane fandoms and your findings on them. Differences, similarities, reactions to each other, both within the fandom and in association with other fandoms. Subsets of fandoms ("Team Jacob" "Team Edward") - this could go on and on and span all kinds of big fan bases (Twilight, HP, LOTR, Star Wars, Star Trek, etc.)

It would be epic :D

[diddakoi.livejournal.com]

I for one second this. I would buy it. And then you could refer to yourself as a fanthropologist completely seriously.

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

Oh, made_of_fail_pc episode 10. It got me kicked out of my favourite cafe, and for that it will never stop being doubly hilarious ♥ ♥