Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[cellardoor28.livejournal.com]

Seriously, don't even!

Maybe when they make a film of City of Bones...

kidding!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, even for small values of "fame" at that. And does have a few nice benefits. But no, you don't really get tables at restaurants or anything. On the other hand, you know how celebrities are hunted by photographers? Yeah. This is something a blogger never, ever has to worry about.

[gorgeousnerd]

Really quick, I wanted to thank you for talking about your experiences with bipolar disorder. I've been coming to terms with mine, and it's been helpful to see another take on it.

But that's not to say I want to talk to you on the phone or smell your hair or anything. Yikes. This post was a lot nicer than I probably would have been (not because I wouldn't want to be nice, I just get freaked really easily).

[octotoes.livejournal.com]

I'm completely horrified on your behalf. Your journal is public-view for good reason (thanks!!) but it would be nice to be able to block those that are crossing the line into creepdom. Then again that might anger them, if you are dealing with the fully delusional.

I wonder what it is about Twilight that has created such rabid addicts. Or are the fans just that more vocal than the HP fans? Is it so much easier to believe that there are vampires hidden among us, as opposed to a secret wizarding world? Or maybe it's Twilight we started out with totally-replaceable-Bella falling in love, and her infatuation/obsession was the main theme of the series.
I am baffled.

[flameraven.livejournal.com]

These must be the same people who don't understand that the Colbert Report is also completely satirical, and think that Colbert is being honest about everything he says. o__O

Damn. I totally understand your position-- I hate Twilight but watching the fan wank is entertaining-- but I hate to think you're attracting so much creepy because of it.

[orca-girl.livejournal.com]

O_O Dude.

I'm really sorry about that. That's very NOT OKAY.

There are times when I might think to myself, "If I ever happened to meet Cleo, I'd offer to buy her the beverage of her choice", but even that kind of thought is tempered by the fact that I'm quite aware that, you know, you don't know me, I'm a perfect stranger to you, and boundaries, they are to be respected.

I am reminded of another blog that I read where the writer had to put up a notice recently to tell people that it was NOT OKAY to just stop by her house. (It's the Daily Coyote blog.) And the "whoa" moment for me was I'd just spent the preceding weekend reading the book she put out covering the same material that's in the blog, only in more detail; and in the book, she mentioned the town where she lived, and some real names, and used her own real name to the best of my knowledge, and I actually *thought* to myself, boy, I wonder if she's changed the names to protect the innocent etc.? Because given the slightly controversial nature of what she's blogging about (raising a coyote in captivity; she's written several times about how this brings out the Judgemental Commenters in droves, and has caused fights to break out in her blog's comments section), *I* sure would be real worried about the nutters showing up -- not just to have tea, but to kidnap the coyote, or try to "set him free", or kill him, or kill her... man, I have a low opinion of the general public these days.

So, um... long way of saying -- whatever you have to do, to be safe, and stay sane, is SO perfectly understandable.

[flameraven.livejournal.com]

Ha, I just wrote the same thing. XD Oops.

I get the confusion though. I mean, I didn't quite appreciate the satire at first, which is why I didn't initially like the show, but it's a little scary to think that so many people miss the point and think he's being honest. I mean, don't they know that he started off on the Daily Show?

[gwyndolaeth.livejournal.com]

awww, man. i'm sorry you're having to deal with these giant creepers.

i'll be honest: you seem like an awesome gal, and if i had the chance to hang out & chat with you sometime, that would be be pretty neat. there's a big difference between "hey, i like your blog, you're nifty!" and OMG I LURVZ U 4EVRZ. o_O

i hope this will not discourage your from writing Twilight g00finess in the future, and that at least some of these people have enough of a handle on reality to be properly embarrassed now, and knock it off.

best of luck!

[khaman.livejournal.com]

Harlan Ellison knows your pain. But I've said that before. It doesn't change that it's always disturbing and unpleasant to see it happen. I've enjoyed your work, but good lord. I can understand.

[gizmerelda.livejournal.com]

Just chiming in to say I'm sorry to hear you've been upset in this way and I hope it stops now.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, and I should say this: a lot of the people saying this are the ones who have conflicted feelings about it, who are obsessed in spite of themselves and are ashamed of it, or who were uncritically obsessed but now have changed their minds. Which is why I'm the "only" one who understands--someone who thinks it's creepy but (obviously) reads and discusses it anyway. There's no lack of people for them to talk to who think it's great; that's not their problem.

[modpixie.livejournal.com]

Oh Cleo, I am so sorry. D:

[khaman.livejournal.com]

FRODO LIVES.

It's a combination of obsessive personality and new tools with which to be idiots with. It's not new, but it's capable of being taken to new extremes with the capabilities we have now. That's what's making this one seem worse, imo.

I'm not anti-techno by any stretch of the imagination, but I am saying that there needs to be increased focus on protection of the self and identity. We need more awareness of what people can actually do to track others when they've gone highly delusional.

[bibliotech.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[akathorne.livejournal.com]

WHAT. NO. BAD INTERNETS.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

There are. And I can even understand it, because I get very lonely myself. And I do talk about that, and my problems with depression, this that and the other. And I like talking to people here in the comments. But I neither can nor want to jump from that to very specific, personal, one-on-one relationships with people I don't even know and WHO DO NOT KNOW ME. Because it's easy to think that you (general you) can read all of this stuff and know me, all of me, but you really, really don't.

[flameraven.livejournal.com]

I think Cleo covered what makes Twilight so popular in her very first post about it-- it's romance, high school romance, portrayed in an idealistic and utterly perfect way, (so you don't have any of the distracting problems of actual relationships to get in the way) with a perfect guy and a cardboard girl so the reader can put herself right in the story with no strings attached. It might be the perfect wish-fulfillment formula for teen girls (who apparently spend all their time fantasizing about this stuff) and, I guess, older women, who might be unhappy with how real life turned out to suck.

I don't know. That's the only explanation I have. The fact is that high school and teenage romances kinda suck, but I guess by portraying them as the perfect ideal, people can fantasize to their heart's content without having to deal with icky reality?

Personally, I was never interested in romance novels at any age, (although I made one or two exceptions) and I never got the allure of vampires. I don't care how sexy they're supposed to be, it's still a pasty dead guy.

I was always a little too pragmatic for my age though.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, and the sad thing is--I started five, nearly six years ago with a very firm alias, never giving out my last name, and got a PO box as soon as publishing the book made it feasible. I'm not saying I knew in October 2003 that this would happen, but I knew that it could. I mean... that's just how the internet is.

[violetfrosting.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just... Wow. That's just horrible. I'm so sorry that you can't feel free to blog and chat and ramble with total freedom.

Ah, Twihards - embracing batshit scary as a lifestyle choice. Seriously, what is it with those books that makes them so appealing to nutters?

Please accept my assurances that I have no wish to watch you write/sleep/eat/shower and will most certainly not be turning up on your doorstep at any point.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I think it's probably too late for that, although that's less on my behalf and more in a "Oh God, those poor actors, WHYYYYY did someone get a Littlest Edward and turn it into a sex toy" way.

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with this comment. Just put yourself first and be safe.

[chulacabra.livejournal.com]

Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you. Just do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. I love your writing but of course your peace of mind/safety have to come first.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Yes. Yes, it is.

And yeah... I actually probably shouldn't say this, but if someone really wanted to be friends or something, they would be best served by 1) not announcing that fact, like let's start being friends as of !rightnow!; 2) just hanging out here in the comments and being mellow. (I was going to say "being cool," but I don't mean it in a "show me how cool you are, fall all over yourself" way. I just mean, hang out, comment once in a while, have conversations with people, be easygoing. That kind of "cool.") And yeah, if you want to be friends with someone like that, it's not going to happen overnight; it's going to take time and you might never actually get close at all. Because that's how it works in the real world.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

That was smart!! And seriously - what kind of freaky mail must Stephenie Meyer get, if you're getting this?

[bluinkalchemist.livejournal.com]

Do people not realize how dull the writing process can look from the outside? It's not as if sitting in the corner (rocking chair or no) allows one to peer into the author's brain to watch neurons firing. All they'd see is you or me sitting there tapping a pen on our chin or looking very thoughtful or maybe banging our head against the desk. When we're not just writing. Riveting action, that. ;)