Too tired to think of a title

[cleolinda]

Depression: Can't tell if I would just feel bad no matter what--I think there was a legitimate, cyclical hormone dip late last week, which is partly why I felt so horrible--and (whichever topic) is the one I have chosen to gnaw on, or if (whichever topic) is making me feel bad, and if that's the case, if a strong attempt to redirect my thoughts would help. I mean, it probably couldn't hurt anyway, but I guess I'm curious as to whether redirecting my thoughts would make the situation better, or if I'd just settle into some new fixation. Because it's a hopeless topic. It's not something I can fix, it's not something I can do anything to improve, and it's doing a number on my self-esteem, which is leaking out all over everything else.

(Sometimes I think that it might be too late for so many of the things I wanted to accomplish, even though I'm only thirty. To late to catch a trend, too late to be a child prodigy, too late for young love. Well, if that's the case--fuck it, I might as well just have fun, right?)

So. If the sun comes out tomorrow, I'm going to go outside on that photo safari I meant to take a few weeks ago. Take some more pictures of flowers and foliage, basically--I can get some camera practice in, now that I've started thinking of photography as a minor hobby. I've just got to stop angsting and get on with living.

Linkspam and housekeeping:

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Comments

[worldforawhile.livejournal.com]

Of all those things, the only one I truly am sad and feel less full for missing is young love. I always romanticized the idea of being young lovers (not love itself or being loved, but the idea of two foolish young people who'd giddily fallen for each other). And now I'm just too old, by definition, for that--I've lived too much. Some people have lived too much by the time they're 19 for young love--for me it was really right around 29. I feel like all the other things can happen (when I start to pass JKR's age after Sorcer's Stone was published, I may feel differently--feel free not to remind me of exactly how old she was, augh, great)--but the young love one I'm sorry I missed, and I feel like it would have enriched my life, even though it surely would have ended badly.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah--there are a few experiences that, by definition, I feel I've missed out on. There are some things it'll just always be "too late" for.

[havocs-roman.livejournal.com]

*little devil poking me*

How about when you start thinking about JKR's age when she released Philosopher's Stone's and then recall that prior to that she'd been mapping out the series' plot for about five years (after, of course, moving to another country and doing the whole young love, child, back to the island thing)?

Personally, it makes me want to kill myself. :P

[worldforawhile.livejournal.com]

That I don't mind so much because I've never been much of a plotter. In fact, I'm so terrible at plotting that I've gone completely off-outline in the basis of three bullet points. If I'm going to be writing something, it's going to just all pour out (and then I'll need to go back and edit, of course). I also have yet to miss having a child. The young, foolish love thing (and even then, I am not sad about not having a failed marriage) is all that I miss.

See? It's all so much better!

[havocs-roman.livejournal.com]

>> and even then, I am not sad about not having a failed marriage

ROFLOL!

My points were more along the lines of: 1) If she really was mapping it all out five years before PS, which came out when she was, what, 33?, then she started out when she was 27/28. Which gives me roughly two years to come up with an idea for a worldwide smash hit. It's a lot of pressure, yo; 2) By the same token, at 27/28, her romantic life had already gone through more highs and lows than mine ever will, if nothing else because mine is non-existent.

I suppose it goes back to that idea of "missing out" on stuff (that you don't even particularly care about). I didn't grow up with marriage/kids as ultimate goals, and I don't particularly regret being 25 and, GASP, childless. But then my childhood friend, who is my age, gets married and gives birth to the cutest girl, and my formerly-playboy cousin has twins with his suddenly-longtime girlfriend, and I couldn't help asking myself once or twice, "Why is all of this passing me by? I'd have thought I was at least as well positioned for it as them ..."

Does this make any sense?

(Yes, I do eventually slap/remind myself that these things are only passing me by because I chose to take a different pathway.)

[worldforawhile.livejournal.com]

Yes, it definitely makes sense. And there is certainly a good deal of railing at chance on my end--it happens to 99% of people; why hasn't it ever happened to me? It's just that those particular things you mentioned--most of them--aren't things I feel like I've missed out on entirely. I've just missed out on them up to this point, which is still immensely disappointing.

[havocs-roman.livejournal.com]

>> I've just missed out on them up to this point, which is still immensely disappointing.

I hear you there so very, very much. On the one hand, keeping me sane, there's my rational mind going, "It doesn't matter that you only have two years to come up with the concept for the next Harry Potter, because you never wanted to make a living as an author or to be a publishing phenomenon, so wingeing about that makes as much sense as complaining that it's too late to be a ballet sensation, which you never wanted to be either," and "Doesn't matter that you haven't become a reasonably young mother yet, because you'll be reasonably young for quite a few years still and there's more than enough time for that." Which is true.

On the other hand, the devil in my head goes "But you were planning on coming up with a great concept for something and becoming a relevant, admired professional in your field before you turned fifty, weren't you?" and "You know you could have done more with your early 20s and by now you could have had kids without feeling it'd slow down your life." Which is also true, and drives me insane.

Gah, growing up.

[fierywaif.livejournal.com]

I'm 20 and I feel the same way. Oh life.