Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. That is an unfair burden to place on anyone, let alone a person you don't even truly know. I understand needing something to hold onto, I really do, but...wow.

[azalaea.livejournal.com]

Sorry. I think I always sort of underestimate how bad it sounds when I summarise it. I mean, on the one hand, it WAS fucking creepy, and it went on for ages and I didn't like it one bit, but it... I don't know, it could have been worse? He never said anything explicitly sexual or violent. And he WAS mostly on another continent. I'd much rather that than realising someone had actually been in the same room and was commenting on my CLOTHES, yeesh.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I have all kinds of people reply--"I love that you love Twilight," "I love that you hate Twilight," "I can tell that you don't like it but I respect that you're fair about it and I like the way you write," "I can't tell if you love or hate Twilight, which one is it?" I've only had two commenters who actually got angry about any of it. That's the same rate of Angry Commenting I had for Prisoner of Azkaban/15M, POTO, and Van Helsing.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, now you know why I get so stressed out about trying to keep up with True Blood recaps or somehow writing a new 15M. If the new HBP one doesn't give everyone orgasms and sundaes, I've ruined someone's life. Or rather, that's the anxiety attack version of it.

[skybreak-seeker.livejournal.com]

. . .

There is no gorram way that is rated for personal use.

[mazarin221b.livejournal.com]

Didn't want the comment to be forever long, but in a nutshell we: waited until he was in the hall, made sure we knew where he was, and had a confederate set up to do some stuff like rapping on the door, flashing a flashlight at the windows, etc. after I told him via IM (well, VAX Terminal email; I'm old) what was about to happen. I had about a minute to type the email, hit send, then dart down the hall and signal my confederate to do his thing. Sounds lame when I write it down but it was damn effective. And creepy as hell.

[celestinenox]

Hey, as long as it was creepy for him and effective! I offer you my congrats again and some cookies on a platter for taking the initiative in a case where the guy was just plain creepy.

[azalaea.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he was. Is, indeed. Still, as I was saying below, it could have been a lot worse, at least it was wholly on the internet and that email was his vaulting apex of creepiness (he was creepy all the time, but not usually quite THAT bad.) And though I can't be completely certain even now that he won't find some other way of contacting me, it's at least a lot harder for him now, I'm fairly hopeful he's stopped trying and I'm no longer particularly rattled by him even if he hasn't. So I hope you find a way of getting to that sort of point soon. Not that you should even have to, of course.

[octotoes.livejournal.com]

I agree that the communication technology breakthroughs have lead to a world where people can feed their obsessions 24/7. Fanfic! Forums! Awesome Cleo Recaps! It doesn't matter that the series ended and the reader supposedly has closure, because the chatter can live forever online.

I was a pretty voracious HP fan. I was on TLC and Mugglenet all the time, mostly lurking but hungry for any book/movie/cast update. But yeah, no fantasies about a romantic tryst with Harry. Or Draco. ;-) But Twilight gives you all the loving devotion from the MOST PERFECT GUY EVER. His only flaw is loving you too much! I suppose its much easier to want to be Bella, whose job is to swoon and be rescued all the time, as opposed to stepping into Harry's (or any other lit. figure's) shoes.

A good friend of mine is a therapist for troubled teens, and she has to help many girls separate the real world from the Twi-verse. I can't even imagine.

[phoenix-down7.livejournal.com]

This is very distressing. I'm sorry you have to go through something so uncomfortable.

But this does reinforce my view that Twilight brings out the crazy. The crazy is attracted to it like a moth to a flame.

[mazarin221b.livejournal.com]

It WAS creepy as hell, and it bothered you, so no matter if the freak was *mostly* on another continent, you felt insecure and scared about it. Heavens. Don't apologize.

My dude didn't make any sexual or violent or even personal remarks to me at all, ever, until that one time. And then it was like the crazy dam exploded and he got his "golden goddess" all over me. Yack. It's like he was reeling me in, making me feel secure then...whoa. I think he was just a garden variety college guy who thought way more of his brain than he should have, so of course I would find him attractive and charming and we would ride off into the sunset together, gently snarking on lesser mortals as we went. I don't know.

[skybreak-seeker.livejournal.com]

The internet has done more for the irrational, delusional stalker community than night-vision goggles and dumpster diving combined.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such foolishness. If you want, I can arrange for a horde of goblins to eat them. Being GM has its perks. : )

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Okay, see, here's the thing... I have this same action figure, right? This is The Littlest Edward, who you all know and love. Obviously I have handled this figure, because I pose him. And I gotta tell you... the hair is pointy. Like, spiky-pointy. You see it pointing in the photos sometimes. And the little vinyl coat actually pulls away from the figure's body a little--it doesn't come off, but opens a bit and and also has molded-on pockets and epaulets and collars that could... catch on things. If you were going to use an action figure to... do that... with? This is like THE LAST ONE YOU WOULD EVER WANT TO USE.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I have actually had to talk to my therapist about it on a couple of different visits--not ME separating the real world from Twilight, OTHER PEOPLE who can't and then dump that on me.

[marlinkhylacat]

And I would get in to some of the shit my one Native American friend has to put up with now

Oh, gods, I never thought about THAT aspect of Twilight crazy!fandom before. This is the first time I'm actually relieved that I don't look like my Choctaw ancestry.

(I DO, however, turn into a werewolf. You know. In really weird fever-dreams.)

[azalaea.livejournal.com]

God, it sounds like your bloke and mine would have got on like a house on fire. ...Or maybe not, but very, very similar "if only you'd stop misunderstanding me we two superior people would get on SO WELL. NOW." mentality. Except he also thought I was in need of RESCUE. There was "Locked in a castle" imagery.

[shellebelle93.livejournal.com]

Well. That's horrible. *icon for the crazies, not you*

*hugs* I'm sorry that's happening to you. Besides being icky, how annoying.

The internets...just seem to bring out the crazy. I don't know.

[kaydee23.livejournal.com]

I've been amazed by how terribly angry some the Twilight Haters are on my flist. I read the books. I don't care one way or the other. I read them because my students were reading them, and I wanted to be able to talk with them about the books. When I saw the movie I realized it hadn't stayed in my brain. Still, when I see people say the Twilight series is ruining the minds of the people who read them, and Smyer is evil, and it's better that people never ever read again instead of reading these books, I'm disturbed. I've seen pretty prominent BNFs on LJ proclaim that Smyer has some evil Mormon agenda, some evil anti-feminist agenda, and on and on. I'm concerned for these people because if it upsets them so much, shouldn't they stop writing about it and seeking out more information about it? It seems unhealthy. Of course, I know better than to go near the angry, obsessed defenders of the books.

I like reading your stuff because you have some humor about it, and as far as I can tell, you don't think Smyer has destroyed literacy or set it back 10,000 years.

I don't know how someone could be confused about how you feel about the quality of these books. That's odd.

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

Yeah, understandably. I know you don't need to be told this, but we're grateful for whatever you choose to give us, and I know the last thing any of us want is to cause you unnecessary anxiety. Do what you need to do, what you want to do. If you can't write what you want, or not write what you don't want, then what's the point?

[moonyprof.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry this is happening. Your work is so clever and funny; it's a pity a few people can't appreciate it for what it is, make demands about when and what you post, or worse.

I was at a Harry Potter con this weekend. Three things:

1) Lots of people said, "oh, yes, Cleolinda! I love reading her stuff/she cracks my shit up/ thank God she wrote those Twilight recaps, now I don't have to read the books." Several went on to add that entitled fans are jerks, and they were talking about people who demand new installments of stories. Stalkers never even occurred to them.

2) I missed last year. Evidently the convention got booked into a hotel that was also hosting a gospel convention. The Harry Potter fans were mellow. It was the evangelicals who were creepy, including bursting into a meeting and saying that everyone was going to hell and that Jesus was going to put his foot on Snape's neck. ???

3) One of the roundtables was called "If You've Nothing Nice To Say, Should You Say It Anyway?" about online fandom squabbles. Most of the arguments had to do with criticizing fan fiction, warning for content, etc. Everyone agreed that the Twilight fandom had the Harry Potter fandom hopelessly outclassed with Teh Crazy.

I hope you don't let this get you down and that the bipolar condition stabilizes.

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

Also:

Even the regular media knows they're extra-crazy. (http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/22/twilight.fans/index.html)

[mysticowl.livejournal.com]

Wasn't something similar happening with Solzhenitsin? People would come to his town looking for him and the locals would give them directions that could lead them maybe to Mordor, but not to his house. Thank goodness the town has her back. I love her photographs, it's a pity she didn't consider the crazy when creating her book. It's a pity her editor and publisher didn't consider it!

[jedigirl.livejournal.com]

That's terrible. What's wrong with people? Can't they realize this is all supposed to be just for fun? I hope and pray for your happiness and safety. I appreciate your recaps, and hope that no one prevents you from doing what you enjoy. And people here really enjoy your work.

[kudzita.livejournal.com]

Yes. Exactly.

[electricland.livejournal.com]

Ew. Really and truly. I'm very sorry to hear this.

I love the Internets, but I wish it didn't encourage the crazy so effectively...