So it's come to this

[cleolinda]

Yeah, it's four in the morning because I just got woken up by a miniature roar and a bloodcurdling scream, a series of tiny shrieks accompanied by several hard whacking sounds, a jingling I couldn't quite place, and then a battle cry of "I KNEW IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Next thing I know, I turn on the lamp and there's Iorek on his side roaring and kicking his legs drunkenly, Lyra wielding a metal bookmark like a medieval flail, Anna brandishing the formal toothpicks, and The Littlest Edward cowering there on the nightstand with A PUFF OF STUFFING HANGING OUT OF HIS MOUTH?

The scene of the crime

"EDWARD--" My indignation was hamstrung by the necessity of checking the back of his box. "--ANTHONY MASON CULLEN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Just kill me," he wailed, "let them kill me!"

Lyra flung the bookmark down so she could attend to Iorek ("Iorek dear! Iorek, are you all right?!") while Iorek strugged to right himself ("LYRA! I SEEM TO BE UNBALANCED!") while Pan snarled at Edward, his fur all bristled up. Anna then seized the bookmark and picked up where Lyra left off.

It was at this point that Edward discovered something I could have told him weeks ago: he is not, in fact, made of marble. Somehow, it wasn't the attempted bear exsanguination (explushination?) that woke the Shelf; it was the tiny, tiny screaming.

"What the hell is going on?"

"HE TRIED TO EAT MY BEAR!"

" . . . "

Yeah. You know the cliché about the villagers with the torches and pitchforks? Change that to "daggers and swords." This is not a group of people you want to piss off--most of them are trained soldiers, except for Elizabeth, who is a trained pirate. Even the Arwens have been known to cast Magic Missile now and then. So I'm trying to calm down the mob while Anna's stamping her foot and whacking The Littlest Edward and shouting gypsy curses (most of which translate, I imagine, to "I TOLD YOU SO"), and then, a light at the other end of The Shelf comes on.

"WHAT IS GOING ON OUT HERE?"

Lyra ran to her.

"... HE DID WHAT TO YOUR BEAR?"

Edward was still meebling about how thoroughly he deserved to die when I scooped him up and fled to the attic.

I set him down on the little fold-up desk. He curled up into a ball. I pulled on the string that turns on the one light source in the room, a bare lightbulb. Yes, like a hard-boiled interrogation room. No, really, I'm not kidding, that's really what my attic's like.

We sat there a few moments.

"Edward--what were you thinking?" I said finally.

"I told you over and over again, I tried to warn you that I'm dangerous!" he said, his voice quavering. "I'm so weak--I'm such a monster!" And then he began to beat his head against the wall.

"Oh--for God's sake--don't--STOP THAT."

"I'm glad I'm not made of marble." (Thonk, thonk.) "I deserve to feel pain." (Thonk, thonk, thonk.) "I deserve to feel a lot of pain."

"Okay, now you're just making me uncomfortable."

He kept on with the head-banging, though, so finally I picked him up and set him back down on his feet. "What were you going to do? Finish Iorek and then go after Lyra? Or would you have to go through Pan first?"

"I would never hurt a child!" he cried, shocked.

"Oh, but you'll just eat her bear."

"I--I just--I'm just so hungry!"

Oh. Uh. This had not occurred to me. That he would need to eat at some point. Because apparently I'm an idiot. A dozen different things flashed through my mind--all those times he didn't want to be around the girls, it wasn't just because they were annoying the hell out of him (although I'm sure they were, EOWYN); it was because he was afraid he would Lose Control Omg and attack them. Duh.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I... I thought I could control myself..."

"So you just weren't going to eat anything at all? You were just going to starve to death? How did you even think you were going to--"

"No, I was eating something--I was eating... I guess you'd call them dust bunnies."

You know that icon I have? This one?

That's kind of what my face looked like just then.

"But then you went around cleaning, you see, and there weren't any left, and..."

That's right: the one time I clean, this happens.

When I regained my powers of speech, the first thing I asked was, "But--did they taste good? At all?"

"No, of course not, they were disgusting. But I wasn't going to--I was too proud--I thought I could manage it, maybe I could be the first vampire to be in complete control of his urges, I could try--I didn't want to hurt anyone! But then... the bear..." His eyes glazed over. "He was just sleeping there... he looked so... fluffy, and... delicious..." And Edward covered his face and sobbed.

Clearly, something would have to be done. I would have to go back in there and take the blame for everything--sincerely, because it really was all my fault. (What did I think he was eating? Stupid!) But what about future nourishment? Which stuffed animals would I have to sacrifice to the cause? Did we have anything boxed up in the attic, maybe? But what would we do after we ran out of those? Stuffed animals get expensive, you know, and what would I do with the--empty carcasses? It was all just--too weird--to contemplate.

And then I had an epiphany. You have to go through the bathroom to get to the attic, so I ducked back in, opened a drawer, and grabbed a handful of cotton balls.

"You know how they have blood banks?" I said. "Think of it as donated plush."

He took one, doubt writ large (or maybe "less small than usual") on his face, and took the tiniest nibble.

"How is it?"

"Well... I've had worse."

"Well, yeah, you've had dust bunnies."

He stood there holding his cotton ball, and I stood there waiting, and he stood there, and I stood there.

"Well... I'll leave you to it, then."

But as I turned back to close the door behind me, I saw him wolfing down cotton as fast as he could go.

So... that's one problem solved. One.


(More from the Secret Life of Dolls; fan community)

Comments

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

Tears. Laughter. Tears. OMG. DUST BUNNIES. Best. thing. ever.

(okay, with the number of hand-sewn teddy bears I have, Edward will not be coming to Casa de Smurf)

[thessalian.livejournal.com]

............

What an awesome way to start the morning. But poor tiny Edward...

[mercurywater.livejournal.com]

Hey, what is your icon from?

[allie-meril.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Oh man, Cleo, did I ever need a good laugh, and this delivered perfectly! The image of the Dolls all riled up with arms at the ready, towering twice the height of the Littlest Edward! Heeee... :D

[funniefriend.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know, it was the funniest thing to come home to: an alert that was tagged "Dolls" and "The secret life of dolls" and than I read it and I'm like omg!!

Love your icon, by the way. Calvin and Hobbes are awesome!!

[skybreak-seeker.livejournal.com]

Words fail me.

Cleo, please don;t stop doing this, because that was the most epic, winningest thing I have seen all month.

In honor of your epic win, I gift you with my rainbow dancing monkey.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks. (I told you there was a big update with Iorek coming up!)

[z-k.livejournal.com]

bwhahahahahahaahaha, hilarious :DD

[elbales]

Your icon! ♥

[helenkosings.livejournal.com]

Wow. It almost makes this sleepless night worth it....

[glenvorian.livejournal.com]

My heart is aching for poor Edward. :(

And Cleo, you are too awesome for words.

[nicolars.livejournal.com]

I never thought I could feel so much sympathy for Edward! And I am impressed that Cleo remembered his full name. ;)

[kilted.livejournal.com]

Poor kid's gonna be in the attic for a while, I fear.

[glenvorian.livejournal.com]

Ya, Lyra and Anna would mop the floor with him.

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

HE BIT IOREK! I KNEW HE WAS TROUBLE!

*ahem* I mean, go Anna go.

[annemjw.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, the food thing hadn't even occurred to me!

I hope the rest of them can get this explained, or Edward's going to be in for an even lonelier time, the poor, sad, annoyingly un-self-confident old man that he is.

But also this was kinda hilarious :D

[7tree-hugger.livejournal.com]

The pic of Edward with the cotton balls. The noises distracting all my co-workers can't really be described as laughter - it's something more primeval, more raw. I'm dying here!

Genius!

[onlyonechoice.livejournal.com]

That's what set me off too....still laughing :)

[kairi-jaganshi.livejournal.com]

I am horrified at what happened to Iorek, shrieking in laughter on the inside at what's happened (don't want to wake the family lol), and facepalming at the fact that I didn't realize he needed to eat. All at the same time. XD;

Poor Edward, he was just so hungry that he ate dust bunnies!

...and that will never stop being funny. rofl

Looking forward to the next SLOD. ♥

[falenimortal117.livejournal.com]

The dust bunnies thing is what did it for me. I mean, I was giggling like an idiot before, but that just made me Lose Control Omg. LOL.

That totally didn't occur to me, either. FAIL.

Poor Iorek.

Dude, it's a good thing Cleo got The Littlest Edward out of there, because Galadriel was coming down with the face and the anger and the large bolded caps and that's never a good sign XD

Excellent work, as alawys, Cleo. This is one of the best SLOD entries I've seen - and that's saying something, seeing as I love them all.

[tinuviell.livejournal.com]

That was hilarious! And you've managed something Stephenie Meyer never could: make me feel sorry for Edward. My loathing of all things Twilight, especially Edward, has had me wishing Anna could find a way to kill him, but now I'm kind of sad for him. Until I imagine him snarfling the cotton balls, then I laugh again.

[insomniacafe547.livejournal.com]

ICON LOVE. I was just about to upload the same one!

[froggimus_rex]

Poor Edward, you know it's trouble when Galadriel breaks out bolded caps.

[greyduck.livejournal.com]

"Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning," indeed!

[smirkdoctor.livejournal.com]

That really is a fancy toothpick!

[evilstorm.livejournal.com]

AWWWW, tiny hungry Edward!

[tygress.livejournal.com]

Oh god. *ded from laughing* No words. None.

Also? Your attic is awesome. I want an attic.

[celestinenox]

::rolls around laughing::

Oh man, I'm lucky the rest of the household is in Argentina! Because I'm laughing out loud, here. XD OH MAN.

Best way to start the morning, EVAR.

[flamingtoilet.livejournal.com]

Oh good Lord... I get to work, log in and see this. People think I'm more insane than usual.

[bumblebee-1983.livejournal.com]

Your icon is loltastic.

first time reader, long time caller

[samir1stdude.livejournal.com]

This is the first time I read this, its rather interesting. Now I gotta scan back in time to catch the rest!

Re: first time reader, long time caller

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

This may help:

http://cleoland.pbwiki.com/The-Secret-Life-of-Dolls#Fullentries

[thunderhowl.livejournal.com]

Too Awesome! :)
Honestly, were I Edward, I wouldn't be as afraid of Anna as I would be of Angry Galadriel.
*shudder* And think of how mad Iorek is going to be when he recovers from the sucker-punching (sucker-nibbling?) Edward gave him. Iorek's not the kind of Panserbjørne to take that lying down. The attic may be the only safe place in the house for your sparklepire for the next little while!

[magicloaf.livejournal.com]

I KNEW IT, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

Sorry to channel Anna there for a minute, but I did call it. :)

[bluebren.livejournal.com]

[ellerigbee.livejournal.com]

Have never seen the Golden Compass but I was ROLLING at that line!

[snacky]

CRYING WITH LAUGHTER, CLEO. OMG TEARS.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

HEEEEEEEE.

[skysong6161.livejournal.com]

... WIN.

That is all.

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

AWESOME icon! :-)