In which bitches nearly are cut
Dec. 19th, 2009 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cleolindaOh my sweet God have mercy. I only just now got my first solid food of the day, as a late lunch/early dinner. I spent the entire day running around various malls and shopping centers desperately trying to fulfill five different Christmas Gift Objectives, and only solved two. If you were at my favorite bookstore--the two-story Books-a-Million at Brookwood Mall--and you saw a girl with a black sweater hoodie and a profound expression of D:< the entire time she was there, that was me. I just shambled around in shopper haplessness for forty-five minutes. Finally, I ended up back at the same store late this afternoon--I decided to go back and get two books I'd put back. I knew exactly where they were: a table about fifteen feet from the register. I came in through the ground-floor entrance, walked straight to the table, picked up the books, and walked straight back over to the register to get in line behind one woman, who was already mid-transaction. I was going to meet my mother, who was searching for a parking space, upstairs as soon as I was done. Given that it was the simplest errand ever, I expected to be done before she finished scouring the parking deck.
Twenty minutes later, she texts to ask where I am.
Twenty actual, literal minutes later, I am still standing behind that one woman. I AM STILL STANDING BEHIND THAT ONE WOMAN. All I know is that it involves $200 worth of gift cards and the inability to buy them or pay with them or FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW with them in a single transaction and my blood sugar bottoming out. Everyone else was smart enough to get in line at the other two registers (and people behind me are moving to those lines as the years and years of waiting drag on), so there was no point in me moving--like a gambler on his last five bucks, I had already invested too much to walk away from the table now. Surely, SURELY TO GOD, this woman's transaction would be completed soon. SURELY.
After every single other customer had been rung up, the guy at the middle register waved me over. I had spent twenty minutes staring at Twilight bookmarks on the counter because it was either them or a letter opener with an enameled butterfly on the table to my left, and I went with the Twilight bookmarks because every time I imagined shanking the woman in front of me with the letter opener, this delicious itch would start to overtake my palms and I decided that I would rather not go to prison. Chagrined Bookmark Edward understood my pain, y'all. So did the Tonner Edward in the plastic boxfor his protection on the Customer Service desk fifteen feet away; I flashed back to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend the BAM buyer ordering 500 of them for the chain at NYCC on my recommendation. And that was one of them. And it, too, had shellacked Corythosaurus hair. I felt very sorry for all of us. I was also starting to hallucinate a little bit, because I was thinking that it was a bit strange that the floor was turning into fluffy clouds, but they would probably feel very nice if I lay down and curled up in them. Fortunately, I was able to pull my shit together long enough to successfully operate the credit card machine. I even had a very pleasant conversation about [movie that will be made of certain book I was buying]. Then I restrained myself from throwing elbows into the small crowd of girls surrounding the two Twilight merchandise tables upstairs--I am not exaggerating any of that. It was an actual logjam. I was entering the Berserker Rage phase of all-day food deprivation and was prepared to pick up an Edward-faced backpack and start bushwhacking, except that a twelve-year-old saw my face and pushed her mother out of the way--and stormed off to the food court.
As far as I know, the woman in front of me is still at that register with her $200 worth of gift cards.
I will say that I checked my box on the way home, and there was a package full of Green and Black's chocolate but I have no idea who it was from. All I know is that emergency application became necessary. So thank you, from the bottom of the hearts of the people I did not kill because chocolate intervened.
By the way, remember this story?
This year, I got pictures of it:
And now, I flop.
P.S. I still want a foot massage really, really badly.
(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
Twenty minutes later, she texts to ask where I am.
Twenty actual, literal minutes later, I am still standing behind that one woman. I AM STILL STANDING BEHIND THAT ONE WOMAN. All I know is that it involves $200 worth of gift cards and the inability to buy them or pay with them or FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW with them in a single transaction and my blood sugar bottoming out. Everyone else was smart enough to get in line at the other two registers (and people behind me are moving to those lines as the years and years of waiting drag on), so there was no point in me moving--like a gambler on his last five bucks, I had already invested too much to walk away from the table now. Surely, SURELY TO GOD, this woman's transaction would be completed soon. SURELY.
After every single other customer had been rung up, the guy at the middle register waved me over. I had spent twenty minutes staring at Twilight bookmarks on the counter because it was either them or a letter opener with an enameled butterfly on the table to my left, and I went with the Twilight bookmarks because every time I imagined shanking the woman in front of me with the letter opener, this delicious itch would start to overtake my palms and I decided that I would rather not go to prison. Chagrined Bookmark Edward understood my pain, y'all. So did the Tonner Edward in the plastic box
As far as I know, the woman in front of me is still at that register with her $200 worth of gift cards.
I will say that I checked my box on the way home, and there was a package full of Green and Black's chocolate but I have no idea who it was from. All I know is that emergency application became necessary. So thank you, from the bottom of the hearts of the people I did not kill because chocolate intervened.
By the way, remember this story?
Meanwhile, on the way home from our last excursion of the day, we dropped by my grandmother's to bring her some more ornaments. On the way out, I stopped to play with a--I don't know, I guess you'd call it a banner? It kind of looks like a long flat bell pull? I don't know. She has it hanging on her front door, and it's this tan-colored strip of fabric with little decorated felt Christmas trees, edged with shiny gold rickrack. "I loved this when I was a kid," I told her, shaking it a little so the bells would jingle. "Ruth made that," my grandmother said warmly. "She really liked arts and crafts. She made all of this herself, every bit of it. Even the tassels. She sewed everything on it there--the sequins, the little ornaments, she even put the pearls on the trees. She's dead now."
I managed not to crack up until I got to the car. My mother couldn't understand why I was doubled up in the passenger seat crying with laughter. I'm not sure I understand it myself.
This year, I got pictures of it:
And now, I flop.
P.S. I still want a foot massage really, really badly.
(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-12-19 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 11:57 pm (UTC)If my boyfriend hadn't calmed me down I would've shanked him with a letter opener too. He kept on giving us this weird glares, too, like it was OUR fault he wasn't in line or something.
Our transaction was like ten times faster than his though so whatever. :/
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:02 am (UTC)I once got stuck in a Borders in Chicago behind a guy trying to pay with six francs and a travelers check, so I feel your pain.
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:34 am (UTC)I started giving friends and family presents on Groundhog's Day instead. Way less chaos.
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:08 am (UTC)Oh, and happy belated birthday. We share. :)
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Date: 2009-12-21 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 03:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 12:19 am (UTC)Although the shanking with Twilight stuff, and the beat down with Twilight stuff would have been great. And I find myself proud of the little kid who took one look at you and worked on clearing a path.
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:37 am (UTC)Also, nothing sucks away my Christmas spirit and turns me into a raging hellbeast faster than GOING ANYWHERE this time of year. Thank God I did my shopping online this year.
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Date: 2009-12-20 12:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 12:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 12:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 01:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 01:34 am (UTC)same thing happened to me at old navy a few weeks ago, though. man, if you're going to have a sale, call some more people into work! my GOD. (and then on top of it my mother abandoned me there for an extra hour while she went to finish her christmas shopping. charming.)
also, that bell pull is super cute.
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Date: 2009-12-20 01:48 am (UTC)At the my store, we had two sets of registers at the opposite ends of the building. One day I get a phone call; it's the Assistant Manager calling from the other registers. "We had to tell some customers that they couldn't buy gift cards using gift cards. They might be heading your way." I thank her, hang up, and turn back to the next customers. First words out of their mouths: "Can we buy gift cards using gift cards?" Hand to God.
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Date: 2009-12-20 01:43 am (UTC)Crap on a cracker, I'm sorry you had to go through that! You should have unleashed Edward. :P
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Date: 2009-12-20 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 02:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-20 01:52 am (UTC)10 minutes later...
He bought some daft number of phone top-ups, and paid for each one in its own transaction. And when I say phone top-ups, I don't mean "those cards where you scratch off the thing to get the number". I mean "I would like to buy £20 of credit" and they hand you a receipt with a number on it.
But of course, once you've got all your stuff on the conveyor you're committed and you don't want to have to put it all back in the trolley, find another till, because surely he must be done soon.
When I finally made it, the cashier was apologetic and as baffled as me.
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Date: 2009-12-20 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 02:52 am (UTC)Oh, and hypoglycemia/holiday sponsored murder is totally justifiable.
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-20 02:58 am (UTC)D: why you do this?
*tearsofyearningtoknow*
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:12 am (UTC)Also, as someone who used to be on the other side of the counter (Borders, Christmas Eve 2004, I grabbed a bookmark out of a customers hand and threw it away), shanking with a letter opener would have been applauded.
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:24 am (UTC)To be honest, the $200 whatever might not have been anyone's fault, just a transaction gone horribly, no-faultedly awry, but the customer was the one closest to me at that point, and I was quietly going insane. TWENTY ACTUAL MINUTES.
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Date: 2009-12-20 03:30 am (UTC)