Uncomfortable, but I kind of need to say it

[cleolinda]

So. First of all, I did manage to get some sleep last night, although I woke up a few times, and I was BOLT AWAKE at 7 am again. You take what you can get. I did spend most of yesterday feeling like I'd downed a quart of espresso, and loud/sudden/vehement noise (such as someone venting about the guys hired to fix the brickwork, Mom) was irrationally upsetting, but--I want you to know that this isn't really "mania" as severe as a lot of people have it, or what the popular conception of bipolar mania might be. It is very, very mild, and while it could get worse over the long run--I didn't used to have it at all, after all--talking about it here is part of how I keep an eye on that. It's unpleasant the way insomnia might be unpleasant, or--again, the "too much coffee" metaphor (I don't even drink coffee). It's unpleasant, but it's not life- or sanity-threatening. In fact, I did record a new HBP-themed Made of Fail podcast last night, and (probably by this weekend) you'll be able to hear that I sound completely calm and together and no wackier than usual. I think I laughed a bit loud a few times, but then, I've always had something of a parrot laugh.

Meanwhile--I've been wanting to say something about this, but I want to tread carefully because I understand that most of y'all really, really do not mean to upset me; it is really, truly meant in fun. But: since I started writing about Twilight for various reasons, I've started getting responses and emails and comments from people of a nature that I really didn't get when it was just Harry Potter or Lost or Phantom of the Opera or whatever. People have told me that I'm their soulmate and they want to stalk me and watch me sleep, so on and so forth, [*insert rocking chair joke here*]; I mean, people are being funny, they don't mean it--I understand that, I really do.

The problem is that I've gotten communications from some people who did. And I didn't want to mention it because, for your own safety, you don't want to draw attention to that kind of thing and validate anything dangerous in someone's mind--but really, I haven't gotten anything malicious or threatening, it isn't that. It's mostly people I feel a lot of sympathy for, some of them telling me in all sincerity that they're obsessed with Twilight, I am the only person in their life who understands them, I am the only person they can trust, I must be their soulmate, can they call me on the phone, they just want to hear my voice. I mean, verifiably more than one person asking me this, some of them a bit... insistently. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I got tricked into doing a "podcast"--with someone who had no show plan, no questions, no topics--vanished afterwards and never posted a finished product, never even contacted me again. Just so he could spend three hours talking to me? I don't know.

Here's the reason why I'm telling you this: six months ago, I might have thought "I want to sit in the corner of your room and watch you write" (this is a made-up example statement, no one said this) was funny. Now, it's just upsetting, because even if I can tell that you are clearly joking, it makes me think of the people who aren't. I get that when you say you want to sniff my hair you're totally joking via a satirical parallel to Edward and Bella or the way fans mistreat the actors, but--guys, I kind of have reason to believe there are people who might actually want to sniff my hair, and it freaks me out. (And y'all, my hair doesn't even smell that great.) So--I'm just telling you, I can totally see why Twilight stalking jokes would be funny, and there's no way for you to know that they upset me if I don't tell you. And it is genuinely no one person doing this, either end of it, because no one person would leave me permanently spooked like this. It's a small number of people wanting something from me that I can't give them and a larger number of very sweet, well-meaning people joking around. But taken as a whole, particularly since I journaled here for five years almost entirely without incident and then it all started up after the Twilight recaps--I don't even know. I mean, don't apologize for anything you've said, there's no need for that, because I knew y'all were kidding and you couldn't have known. I'm just telling you now so that you do.

Comments

[beag-beran.livejournal.com]

Weirdly, both I and a close friend, who've both wanted to write fiction for years, have been inspired to start again by Twilight, even though we can both see the, er, flaws in the series. She likes the books more than me (and is getting on better with writing, I'm busy writing my PhD thesis!) but we both thought something like 'Hmmm, I could write this - but better...'

Sorry to hear you've been getting weird messages Cleo, I hope it stops soon. I can't imagine how horribly creepy it must feel to get stuff like that.

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

Ack, I was actually hoping when the Twilight recaps started that you wouldn't get people going too far like that. I don't mean the jokes, I mean the ones that did manage to squick you out. I remember seeing a Twilight fan (well one, I don't know how many of these you had) get angry at you for making fun of it or something. I'm assuming they left and I was hoping any other hardcore crazies would do the same.

Anyway, I do hope it doesn't get any worse than it is at this point. You know your readers care more about your comfort than the luxury of making creepy jokes.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I have no real words, except... wow.

You can't be too careful on the internet. I'm not one of those people who thinks everyone on it is a nasty stalker; I've met far too many people to believe that. However, I do think that there are a lot of lonely and confused people who might not intend harm, but who should still be avoided. There's people who forget any reality other than their computer screens. It's actually a little disturbing.

I'm sorry you've been hurt. :(

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

This.

[author-by-night.livejournal.com]

I don't think anybody needs to do a study. They just need to get a Facebook account, and count how many out of their 87 friends there they actually socialize offline.

Although I do think it needs to be pointed out. Look, I'm not against close online friendships - I have many of them. But if someone lives five minutes away, why on earth do you only socialize on Facebook? If there's enough time to send PMs and pokes, there's certainly enough time to grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks!

/Rant

[cupcakery.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link, even though it seems purely anecdotal (like most things on the internet! There's an alarming statistic of how people are more inclined to believe things written on the internet than in print media/conventional news reporting).

I've seen numerous studies on the interaction of social groups on the internet, but it's always within a specific control group - i.e. Second Life, World of Warcraft - and focuses exclusively on one level of interaction, rather than seeing the effect upon a wider social/cultural network.

It's almost like how diagnoses of various conditions have increased rapidly over the last thirty years, but in the last decade in particular; the increase in communication leads to an increase of availability of resources, which leads to an increase in occurrence - the crazy was always there, but now we just notice it more?

[melusina-snake.livejournal.com]

D:

That's so freaking creepy. O.O

What is it about Twilight that makes people lose all sanity? I swear, those books are like a mind altering substance. There's so many stories that have popped out on the internet involving people receiving abuse for mentioning they don't like the books (of course, I'm sure many are made up or exaggerated, but some are bound to be true). It's like these people forget normal social behaviours, such as "Oh hey, stalking isn't okay". O.o

[cesario.livejournal.com]

ARGH WHAT NO ARGH

I am glad that you have read Gavin DeBecker, it saves me the time of urgently recommending him.

I have no internet fame at all beyond whatever a friend-of list of 300 will net you, but I have had a couple of internet stalkers on a minor scale myself, and I am *so incredibly squicked on your behalf*. Have a plate of virtual cookies.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Actually it was the Diana Tregarde books - Burning Water, Jinx High, etc. A few too many people showing up on her and Larry's doorstep looking for the Guardians...

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

It was - the fact that the character have started showing up in the Bard books is hopefully a sign that she's feeling more comfy about the whole mess.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I've been a big fan of hers for years - even before I realized that we had actually met in the Milwaukee SCA back in the late 1980s - and hearing about that whole mess made me want to start organizing the sane fans to go stand guard duty over at their place.

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

Especially because, gosh, when they break up in Chapter Three, what are the odds they're not going to be back together by the end of the book? Especially a book/series like this? To anyone with an ounce of critical thinking (*cough*), this fails as "tension."

[notuslethe.livejournal.com]

I'm mostly a lurker, but I just wanted to say hey, so that you would know I just find you funny, and I don't have any desire to do any of the things enumerated in your post.

Godspeed Cleo, godspeed.

[msmcknittington.livejournal.com]

I once had a long distance phone call from a guy I was having an argument with online. Yes, he looked up my phone number and called me at home to continue the argument! I don't think people understand that it often makes the recipient want to shut down, withdraw from all interactions with that person, because you no longer know what to expect from them. Unpredictable behavior is very threatening.

This is exactly why I have a pseudonym for knitting patterns. There are a lot of people who have boundary issues on the internet, and I've got some really irate e-mails and messages from people who are unhappy because they're having trouble. I'm always, always happy to help people who are struggling, but the amount of entitlement that some people have really makes me uncomfortable. So, yeah, not putting my real name out there for people to track me down with.

[jubilantia.livejournal.com]

YES MARK MORFORD.

Although if I read too many in a row they get repetitive.

[jubilantia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I figured it wasn't scientific or anything, but it makes sense. And, it's not something I would have even thought about looking for but for that article, but I'll probably go hunting for actual verifiable stuff now.

I think it would be nearly impossible to do a full-on study on internet stuff, mostly because how would you even have a control group? Places that still don't have internet have other things quirky that could mess with the study, and if you had to use data from before internet, the time would make it not study-tight.

[jubilantia.livejournal.com]

Did the character start showing up in the Bard books? Maybe I haven't read them all, or it's been awhile. I got the feeling they were different worlds. But yeah, distressing either way. How does this stuff happen? People are nuts.

[nikkie-noo.livejournal.com]

Lurkers unite!!! *adds to the lurker vote of support and non-stalkiness* ^_^

[msmcknittington.livejournal.com]

I can actually imagine a secret wizarding world easier than I can vegetarian, hard and shiny as diamonds vampires. Who play baseball. HP wizards just seem so . . . normal. Eckeltricity, ton tongue toffees, self-knitting needls and all.

Huh. Apparently I only believe in the Weasley family.

[sugarcages.livejournal.com]

Hoooooly crap. Poor people. They didn't even do anything! IT'S JUST THE NAME/HERITAGE THEY WERE BORN WITH!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, I rec GOF religiously. If you search "Cleolinda Jones" on Amazon, no lie, GOF comes up as the third result.

[elbales]

I
WHAT
NO

NEED BLEACH

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah. I had a couple of those. I mostly just found that funny. It's the people who want too much who scare me.

[elbales]

I'm with you on the TWIIIIIINNNNKKKKKIEEEEEE aspect and also, SUGARRRRRRR.

I LOL'd.

[elbales]

Egad.

Or, well, as Cleo said, AHHHHHHHHHHH.