(no subject)

[cleolinda]

Flash back to election day: "Just have everything done together," said the woman at the test scheduling desk. This was after she made us wait five or six minutes, no kidding, while she talked to some coworker about some other girl and Mom and I just stood there and watched. Finally, when she got good and ready, she started telling me that I should just go have the bloodwork done immediately. However, the bloodwork was a fasting test that Dr. B had just ordered, so it's not like I'd come prepared. We had to explain this five times before she got this through her head. Finally, she arrived at the "Just have everything done together" idea. It seemed good at the time.

Part of the problem was that I totally forgot about the fasting part and had a really, really late lunch yesterday and then when it came time for dinner, I realized I didn't want it. So by the time I got to the lab this morning, I hadn't eaten in 17 hours. On top of that, I presented the scrip from the other Dr. B, who had wanted me to go to Dr. B² and have her check out girly things and actually order the lab work, and it turns out that the two Bs had asked for totally different tests. The only one in common was a thyroid test. Now, at one point a (very sullen) nurse told me there was "no charge for labwork," and since my mother is a company benefits director, I have, like, the most kickass insurance ever anyway, so I was like, "Do 'em all. Test away. Test for mono while you're at it. Hell, can you test me for lupus or Lyme disease or ebola or something? I mean, while we're at it." But don't worry--the gods of health care punished me for my flippancy, because the older nurse ended up taking four vials of blood. And I hate needles, y'all.

Something else you should know: I have no veins. (I know!) I've been repeatedly told by various doctors who have tried to take my blood (NO DON'T TAKE MY BLOOD GIVE IT BACK AHHHHH!) that they can't find a vein to poke anyway. Dr. A, my general practictioner (I swear to God, I'm not usually crawling with doctors like this. I see these people once every three years if they're lucky) once took my blood when I had a bad case of the flu, and it bruised up so bad that he said, "Don't you dare tell anyone that I did this. This is all your fault. You have no veins, you know." (Heh. He's cantankerous, Dr. A.) And then I passed out on his table. (Apparently my next book will be called Doctors I Have Known and Loved {But Not Much}.) When I had my wisdom teeth out they gave me anesthesia, like, the real stuff, and my arm came out there looking like it'd seen action in Vietnam. So I wasn't really looking forward to this anyway. But this woman? Most beautiful blood theft I've ever seen. Four vials, and you can't even tell she poked me. Gorgeous.

So then I wobble over to the food court, because I have more than an hour until the ultrasound. Well, actually, first I wobble over to admitting or whatever, and they give me, like, an Outback coaster-pager and I wobble back upstairs to the food court, where I get a hash brown and three slices of "French" "toast." It was more like yellow insulation with maple syrup on it, but okay. Halfway into the first "slice" the pager goes off and I am summoned to... fill out paperwork. So I'm taken back to a series of cubicles where a nice woman xeroxes my insurance card and asks me a bunch of very basic questions that I'm too blinkered to answer ("Address?" "Forty... four... fourteen... it's something with a four, I know it"). And then I have to check in at radiology and get a new coaster. Fortunately, the radiology desk is literally five feet away. So then, rather than go back to the food court where I can actually eat my Frenchsulation "toast", Mom and I go sit in the little waiting area a few feet away and dish about Lost while I chug my giant bottle of Mountain Dew, because I have to have a full bladder for the procedure. The weird part is that, about twenty minutes into this conversation, some very grim-looking woman comes and sits down next to Mom, despite the multiplicity of available seats. She keeps staring over Mom's shoulder at me. It was really weird. I think we had her at "peanut butter" and she just couldn't turn away at that point.

Outback coaster alert! A nice young nurse takes me back into this maze of rooms and she's all like, "Is that your mom there with you? She can come and sit in here if you want." Now, fortunately, I was already in the ultrasound room alone with the nurse at this point, because I was totally like, "No. No, I'm good. Totally good. She can stay out there. No. In conclusion: No." I love my mom, and as you can tell, we do a lot of things together and like a lot of the same things. Which is exactly why I want her out of my personal Kool-Aid every now and then. And for some reason I was very proud of asserting myself, even though the nurse was like, "Really? Oh, okay. Cool."

Meanwhile, Mom had mentioned possibly hunting down George's favorite uncle's--okay, this is a little complex. I'm going to rewind. Earlier this week, George's favorite uncle died. He's still pretty upset about it. The uncle, however, had Alzheimer's and was living in a nursing home and it was one of those "I mourn the person who is gone but that person was pretty much gone anyway, and I'm glad he's not suffering anymore." The worst part was that the uncle's longtime partner Frank was already in the hospital--this hospital--with liver trouble, so he wasn't even with the uncle when he passed. So it's a very sad situation all around. I mention this partly because, like rockgeisha herself mentioned earlier, this whole "fuckthesouth.com" thing pisses me off, too. You know what? We're not all like that, so don't write all of us off, and don't act like we're the only red-state region in the country (coughmidwestcough), either. My family voted Kerry and I was at a hospital taking tests to make sure I could take the pill without complications, assuming nobody tries to take it away from me in the next four years, and my stepfather's favorite gay uncle just passed away. Fuck you, fuckthesouth.com. You're not helping.

Anyway. Mom was talking about going to visit Frank, but the nurse told her she wouldn't really have time, if she wanted to wait for me--I'd be done that fast. Of course, we then had to wait fifteen minutes while I chugged paper cups of water, because apparently, despite doing the Dew in record time, my bladder was not full enough. Apparently you can see other things better when it's full, is the deal--the procedure, in case you're getting squicky, is totally non-invasive; it basically involved throwing hot goo on my stomach and moving a telephone receiver around on it. Only problem is, the nurse was moving it really hard. Like, the bladder, she is full! hard. Like, Cap'n, she cannae take the pressure! hard. Ow. And then we were done. Apparently someone will interpret the arcane markings on my ultrasound and get back to us on Monday, and it'll take about a week to get the results of the bloodwork in.

And then I crawled back into bed.

Comments

[ambiguousreason.livejournal.com]

FUCKING LJ ATE MY FUCKING COMMENT. I'll paraphrase...

In response to the comment about the spying woman and "peanut butter," I'm so totally sure that's what it was. Mmmhmmm.

I'm glad things went fine today; hopefully the test results are good.

[shoukinkasegi.livejournal.com]

QOTD: "Most beautiful blood theft I've ever seen."

Frenchsulation Toast! is a very cool name for a band!

PS. Hope you feel better soon. Although you don't sound like you had a bad day at the spital, I don't know anybody who enjoys being in them that much.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was all right. Dreading the whole thing was the worst part. That, and the persistent wooziness I felt all day.

[musikologie.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain on the "having no veins" front. I had to get blood drawn (and only 4 vials? Hah, I think on this occasion it was 8, but I digress) and they could not find any veins on either elbow. I was so bruised from all of the poking; I couldn't move my arms for days. Owowowow.

Oh, and nice little rant on fuckthesouth.com. Because, even though I'm totally from New England, I understand what you're saying. You're not all responsible for giving the South a red name. :)

[comedownstairs.livejournal.com]

Ultrasounds are EVIL. I've had to have a couple, and the thing is, I have no bladder. Seriously, I think thieves stole it in the night a long time ago. So they had me drink a liter of water and five minutes later I'm dying. They got me on the table in the stupid gown, and it must be a rule that they have to PRESS the stupid thing DOWN really really HARD and I was practically in tears and it was bad, and then I swore at them and had to get up to go to the bathroom before I killed them/myself and had the most embarrassing obituary ever, the end.

The moral of the pointless story: I feel for you.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Awwww. I did feel kinda ill all day, like my bladder didn't know which end was up after that.

(Wow, I must have been really lucky. The nurse was just like, "Okay, fold the top of your jeans down and pull up your shirt a little." No gowns or anything.)

[jonnorthwood.livejournal.com]

Understand on the collapsing veins: I am so there. Understand on the ultrasound too: I was with my wife when she had hers done (my hand was bruised for two days from the squeezing while she tried to retain). Condolences on the issue with the uncle. Feel better, good luck.

[girlalmighty]

Ugh. Drawing blood. Hatehatehatehatehate having blood drawn. ICK. Even just from my thumb. Hate needles. I'm sorry they took so much from you. At least she was good!

[telophase.livejournal.com]

The last time I had blood drawn, the nurse couldn't stick me and had to call the doctor in to do it. It makes me glad that the Red Cross now no longer wants my blood[1] so I don't have to feel guilty about not going in to watch the technician poke both arms for a while before finding a decent vein.

[1] Because I've spent over three months in England since 198mumble. Apparently I might have mad cow. Moo.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Heeeeee.

They don't want mine because I take antidepressants. This was always kind of sticky at school, when everyone else would have their neon bandages and they'd be like, "Why aren't you giving to the blood drive?" Uh... because... itsnoneofyourbusinessshutup.

[are-there-stars.livejournal.com]

AHHH. I had to get an ultra-sound when I had appendicitus, and they made me drink like 2 liters of water cause it "wasn't full enough". That part alone took like a pee-inducing hour.

I feel fo' ya behbeh. What's the ultrasound for?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Polycystic ovarian whatever. They don't want to put me on the pill, which is basically how you treat that, until they're sure I don't have uterine cancer (!).

[http://users.livejournal.com/lady_alatariel_/]

Frenchsulation "toast"
OMG. ::Dies laughing::

Going to the doctor sucks! But somehow you still manage to make it entertaining! ::is in awe::

[tengukun.livejournal.com]

You know, I've had the exact same "no veins" problem... I had one doctor take it from the top of my hand, and started milking my arm to try and get blood to flow.

The blood plasma center made me go away, because 3 doctors and 5 nurses could not find a vein on me. I was dragged all over the damn ward in the process... no veins. Nothing. :P You'd think, if anyone could find one, they could. It's all they DO all day.

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

Very needlephobic.

I trance when having blood drawn, because being stuck can totally make me panic. Serious fight-or-flight triggers.

Once, the guy drawing blood said to me, "Don't breathe so deep, you might pass out that way." I said, "I'm not worried about passing out. I'm laying down for a reason. Passing out would be great. I'm worried about freaking out and slugging you."

He shut up real fast, and was really careful. And did a great job. *grin*

[travelsizedoug.livejournal.com]

yum yum blood

[xanimagusblackx.livejournal.com]

When my sister was a baby, she had to have an operation for Pyloric Stynosis (sp?), and they had her on an IV after the operation.. and my mom says that the doctors couldn't find any veins in her arms or anywhere else, so they had to put the needle right in the middle of her little forehead! She didn't seem to mind that much, but she couldn't keep her eyes off the thing! She would go cross-eyed for hours at a time. I'm surprised that she's not permanently cross-eyed now, actually. Haha.

I hope that everything is okay with you.

[iczer6.livejournal.com]

My veins seem to vary on the person taking the blood, some can't find 'em at all and others can find them no problem.

Though I'm not bitter about the incident where I was 8 or 9 and had a major low blood sugar attack so I went to the hospital for an IV and no one there could figure out how to set it up.

They sent me to another, better, hospital where they got the IV set up in no time.

At this stage when people come to take my blood I feel like taunting them.

'Oh is *that* your needle. I just figured that you'd need a *bigger* needle for drawing blood. That puny thing wouldn't get through the callouses on my fingertips.'


Icz

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

1) I would rather die than have blood taken. No exaggeration. I've had blood taken in the past, and after serious consideration I decided that I would simply rather die than let the evil needle near me again. But then the next blood-test came along, and I went along with it. Just because I'd rather die does not mean I plan on it.

2) Hope all things medical works out without complication.

2a) Birth control pills, no matter why you're taking them, are the best things ever. It's like "Period? I HAVE NO PERIOD! I AM SHE-RA!"

3) As per your OMG DUNT STEEL, I have quoted you briefly in my journal. I forget which M15M the quote is from. But I linked it back to you.

Belonophobia

[mustang-bex1126.livejournal.com]

That's what the fear of needles is officially called. I have it, many people have it. My bloodpressure skyrockets when I know I'm getting poked... and my veins hide like Saddam yo! Because of my fear I try and give blood often (hard with those shitty "no donations until 1 year after getting inked..") and I still end up taking FOREVER because they can't find the vein, and then the other guy can't find a vein, and then the boss comes and practically puts both feet up on the arm rest and pulls that weird strap with all her might, and then makes me squeeze that damn heart for 10 minutes while she pokes my arm with her finger nails.
This then starts hurting because I've done sqeezed all the blood out of my arm and my fingers are totally numb... then she goes "AHA!" and stabs me- Which always leads to her then saying "Okhun... hold still Ivegottomovetheneedlenow!" And I'm like EW! and OW! all at once. But I digress-

Hope you're well, and yes! the pill does rock. I gained 40lbs over 3.5 years on Depo, but now I'm on Seasonal, and I get a pill ONCE every 3 months, for like... 3 days. ~ecstatic dance of nonbleeding joy~

[dawnglider.livejournal.com]

I have no veins in my elbows. All the time, the nurses are putting on pressure cuffs and poking my arm and trying to make me feel guilty, and I'm like, "Try the wrist! For the love of God, try the wrist!" They mutter about the elbow being better, but they've never explained why. I think they just don't want to admit failure.

Good luck with whatever comes next.

[shanisasha.livejournal.com]

I hear ya there.

My elbows are shot, every time they use a vein it goes ahead and collapses. I look like a heroin addict.

Now my wrist? It's the holy mana of bloodflow. If fairly squirts to please them. I can rest assured I can suicide easily. They usually dont like to do it there because it's a dangerous vein and they have to be extra careful, it does bruise like gangbusters and they think it hurts as opposed to digging into your elbow for two hours.

[trixasaurus.livejournal.com]

good luck. that kind of ultrasound sucks... it's like OMG I'M GONNA PEEEEEEE. okay, tmi, i know... but yeah... i feel for ya, i hope everything will be okay. <3

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

Gee, that sounds like the kind of adventure-filled day I am just dying to have!
Um...
Seriously, though, I hope you are found to be all healthy and that eventually you grow a vein or two. You know, for posterity. Or something.

[jennnk.livejournal.com]

when i was pregnant, before the miscarriage (no biggie, really, it's more to clarify that i am no longer with child nor do i have munchkins that i mention it), i had to have a transvaginal ultrasound, where they stick the phone receiver thingy IN YOU. yes. with a full bladder, thanks. then the really nice radiologist lady has me empty my bladder because it's "too full" and she has to wait for it to "half-fill" while she works the dildo-shaped telephone receiver thingy around my ovaries and finds *drumroll* a cyst. yes, a cyst. no, we can't find an embryo/fetus, but we can find cysts!!

[kvschwartz.livejournal.com]

wait ... I don't remember this movie ... and that wasn't a full 15 minutes, either ...

:P

*hugs* hope the tests come out well

[whiski_sour]

My mother can sympathize with you on the no-veins thing as she apparently has none. However, as I am practically transparent, people have no trouble finding my veins. Unless they're college educated or graduated from med school. When I had my surgery, they stuck me like six times in practically the same place trying to put in the IV while I'm patiently laying there saying, "Dood, my vein is over there. It's that blue thing, man." Eventually, they figured it out.

Now, after reading about your ultrasound, I have to pee. Judas.

I hope this torturing doesn't go on much longer. And I hope everything turns out okay. *hugs*

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Hell, after reading these comments, *I* have to pee.

(Thanks. : )

[alexthedevil.livejournal.com]

Hate. Blood. Tests.

The really sucky thing? My mum's a nurse. So she does blood tests on me most of the time, and will just tell me to shut up and be quiet while she does the test. -____-

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

I love my mom, and as you can tell, we do a lot of things together and like a lot of the same things.

I think that's very sweet and cool.

I'm sorry about your stepfather's uncle.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I think that's very sweet and cool.

It is, mostly, except for the fact that she raised me more like a friend than a daughter (she's told me this), which creates friction whenever she tries to be authoritative. Mostly I think we're just too close, or she wants to be too close, and my living at home for the moment isn't helping that. I have to do a lot of gentle pushing-away.


I'm sorry about your stepfather's uncle.

Thanks. :)

[karintheswede]

So, one thing confuses me: why in the name of all things that are, you know, holy (and a lot of things that aren't) is the CONSERVATIVE party red, and the slightly less conservative party blue, when everywhere else it's the other way around? Someone said it was some graphical artist at CNN, in which case CNN need to edjumacate their graphical artists on the connotations of the colours red and blue in politics. 'Cause it's just *wrong*.

[agatha-mandrake.livejournal.com]

Hope you feel better soon. I totally feel your pain on the blood test thing. I was having knee problems, and they wanted to rule out infection, so they took about six (!!) vials, and it was all I could do not to jump up and run screaming from the room. I'm still amazed that I didn't faint.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks. : )