Checking in

[cleolinda]

Not much to say lately; I've been really tired, and actually feverish today. A lot of headaches related to the air pressure (fickle March weather).

I'm testing out Tumblr, because I figure I won't know if I want it until I try it. Basically, it seems to be like Twitter for pictures, which I like, and it's super easy to post the page you're on from your browser. Although I'm trying to restrain myself from posting every single pretty thing I know of, because I could probably post 100 entries a day at that rate. Basically, I'm posting jewelry, artwork, and a few dolls at this point, although any interesting landscape or movie-related picture I see will go up. (The Art Nouveau Disney princesses thing was pretty awesome.) I'm trying to keep the theme to "pretty things," so no Sexual Horrors of Etsy, thanks. It's my sparkly happy place.


Still answering Formspring questions, although I haven't gotten below 50 questions yet in terms of inbox backlog--I'm up to 359 answered. I haven't posted any new cross-posts from the back end, but I think the "view older answers" thing is working at the moment. Please, try to comment here on the answers rather than ask new "questions" just to make a comment. And don't ask "Have you seen [whatever]? I hope you like it," because that's clearly just trying to pimp something. Seriously, I've still got fifty questions to work through--and some of them are very thought-provoking, which is why they're hard.

(Also, a lot of the movie industry questions presume I have any clue what I'm talking about. I answered them the best I could.)

Actually, there are some questions I could use some help with--a few coming in are kind of heavy.

There's a girl at my school struggling with depression. I want to help her, but we're not close. What would you have wanted someone to do when you felt down? Do you have any depression awareness sites I could see?

Which seems like a delicate one to answer, so I don't know. Thoughts?


We will have a new Secret Life of Dolls at some point. I'm just having a hard time getting it to turn out well. This in the middle of, you know, research reading and footnote-writing. And I can't concentrate for shit. So... I'm doing the best I can.

Comments

[nicolars.livejournal.com]

As nice as it would be to have a new installment of the Secret Life of Dolls, I hope you don't feel like people are wheedling you into writing for it. You don't deserve the George R. R. Martin treatment. ;)

[stateofserenity.livejournal.com]

Take your time w/ SLoD! It's completely worth the wait when you do post.

*insert virtual non-stalker-ey accquaintance-appropriate affection here*

Feel better Cleo!

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

I've found this site helpful sometimes.

http://www.anxietycentre.com/

I don't know if the girl's depression is tied to anxiety issues. But she could at least take a look and see if she can find anything helpful there.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

People have been, actually. Very nicely, but they have been.

[carmine-rose.livejournal.com]

When I'm depressed, I really shut down. I hate people calling me or inviting me out, because I get really hermit-like, and I feel guilty turning things down, but also I don't want to leave the house. So part of me would say "Just leave her alone, but be responsive if she acts friendly." But maybe it'd be better (for me and other depressed people) if we were forced out of our shells? I don't know.

I guess I'd really have to say - be supportive but not too pushy.

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

I signed up for Tumblr the other week. After a brief period of buyer's remorse ("oh my god, I don't understand, why the hell did I do this?"), I'm starting to really enjoy it.

And I loooooooved the Art Nouveau Disney princesses - they reminded me of a book I used to have of illustrated fairy tales. I tried to find it again on Amazon, but I can't remember the exact title or who wrote it. I think my parents still have it, at least I hope they do.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

My instinctive answer to that, as someone who has been depressed, was to be friendly and see if the kind of trust/rapport develops that you *can* say, "You seem kind of down." I would feel really awkward and embarrassed if someone gave me information about depression. On the other hand, I guess you could also leave a print-out flier or something around like you'd done it on accident, on the off chance she might pick it up. But anything direct seems like it would do more harm than good, I don't know.

[iczer6.livejournal.com]

There's a girl at my school struggling with depression. I want to help her, but we're not close. What would you have wanted someone to do when you felt down? Do you have any depression awareness sites I could see?

Does this person know she's struggling with depression, or are they just assuming that because she's not all similes and sunshine that something must be wrong?

Also reach out if you're genuinely concerned but don't do it if your just pitying her or wanting to be a 'hero' who saves her from his issues.

[carmine-rose.livejournal.com]

I think, when I'm very low, a close friend actually asking "Are you ok?" would really help - because it's really hard to actually say to people, "I feel depressed". Most people either don't know what to say, so change the subject, or don't understand and think you mean "I'm a bit blue", which isn't quite the same thing. I'm having a bad time of it at the moment, and the only friend I want to see or speak to has experience of exactly the same kind of depression, so I CAN tell her and she'll help - no-one else can deal with it, so I keep it to myself and avoid interacting.

And ditto with the being given information thing. It's usually kindly meant, and it does help if friends educate themselves about depression to support you (I had a boyfriend who did that, and it was kind of sweet) but really, I've had bouts of depression for the last 15 years. I doubt a flyer could tell me anything I don't already know.

[naptimewriter.livejournal.com]

Okay, she's not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but my sister wrote an e-book about depression that was published on mentalhelp.net. http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8103&cn=329

It's a fun (yes, actually fun), illustrated, quick, easy read that a high schooler might be willing to look up.

They also have searches and links to mental health professionals and support groups in just about any location you could think of. Hope your reader's friend gets the help she needs.

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

When I was going through a particularly bad depression I'd sometimes have people come up and ask if I was okay. Often I'd just answer that I was fine, because I didn't actually realize I appeared so down to others, or because I couldn't really put into words what was making me upset-- there was no answer to it.

I found that, if it was someone who wasn't especially close to me, just having a person smile at me or say something nice was tremendously helpful. On the one hand, I did want help, and I would have loved for someone to reach out and tell me they were there for me, but I also found that if people tried getting too close too fast, I was very taken aback. My first instinct was always to wonder what was wrong with them if they thought I was worth being nice to.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I just didn't see the information thing helping much. I mean, people are more open about depression now, and there's Google if nothing else--if someone really wants to know, they can find out. More than anything I was kind of thinking, you're not close to this person, but if you really do want to be friends with her, maybe you could do that for its own sake, and ask about it once that became a more appropriate question.

[trampchic.livejournal.com]

Heh, we have completely different reactions.

Backstory: My favorite teacher back in high school had this awesome (in my opinion) way of approaching it. She'd keep an eye out for students who had started to be late for classes, their grades fell, they started being quieter during lessons etc. When she did notice someone, she'd talk to them (after class, in an empty classroom) -- tell them what she'd noticed, asked whether something's going wrong, mention some trusted therapeutists, and usually include an anecdote on how it's okay to need help sometimes, and how she/her daughter needed it, too.

She's a very smart, very categorical (as a teacher, she has rigid rules for the students, but she also expects a lot from herself), so the students respect and trust her; but she's also warm.

Her approach - being concrete, listing the things she's worried about and attributing them to depression or "needing help" (which is really helpful, especially if you don't know shit about depression and neither does your family, and you beride yourself with guilt about being lazy or are not sure your symptoms are severe enough to require professional help), but also just letting you know that there's somebody keeping an eye out for you - seems so much better than if someone tried to beat around the bush (it helped a lot of kids in my high school). Plus, if you don't know about depression, and you hear somebody say "you're feeling down", that would be more of an incentive for me to smile and pretend I'm fine and/or feel guilty about it? So yeah. Straight out all the way.

[xerinmichellex.livejournal.com]

There's a girl at my school struggling with depression. I want to help her, but we're not close. What would you have wanted someone to do when you felt down? Do you have any depression awareness sites I could see?

There could be an underlying reason behind why this girl is depressed. I'm dealing with a family illness right now, so I'm not all rainbows and sunshine. If someone came up to me and said, "I noticed you're depressed, here are some pamphlets," without knowing the "why" behind my "down mood", I would be pretty pissed and get defensive. I think the best thing for the questioner to do is keep on eye on her, be nice to her, and if they noticed anything not right, have an adult intervene.

[trampchic.livejournal.com]

Still thinking about this.

As somebody pointed out, we don't know whether the girl is being treated for depression or whether that's just the asker thinks. If it's the former, you could basically name all of what I'd said above irrevelant. If she is being treated, yeah, flyers and sites are actually less heplful -- there's just too much random, contradictory information. (If anything, I would direct the girl to your blog and jezebel posts on depression -- sometimes it helps to read what a more-or-less-real/relatable person going through depression really, uh, goes through, instead of seeing a list of bullet-pointed symptoms.)

Also, about the having people smile at you and make you feel better - I dunno, I either tend to want people to leave me alone or try to make me feel better IF they know what I'm going through? If that makes sense.

[julietvalcouer.livejournal.com]

(The Art Nouveau Disney princesses thing was pretty awesome.)

OH MY GOD THOSE ARE SIMPLY AWESOME. I want Aurora and Jasmine for the blank spot on my bedroom wall.

[vivian-lake.livejournal.com]

Feverish? I hope you'll get better soon.

When I'm down... it depends. Sometimes I want to be left alone, sometimes I need someone beside me who'd hug me and said something good. But I wouldn't want it to be a random stranger.

Manga tarot is very pretty.

[julietvalcouer.livejournal.com]

Yeah--if they're just guessing, they're as likely to piss her off as not. If she's actually being treated for depression, taking meds, etc. then butt out, she has a doctor for that.

Like I did not mind my friend in college who was a psych major gently suggesting I do the campus counselling office's depression screening. I would have been REALLY irritated by people just saying "You seem down. Want to talk? It's okay to feel sad, but you really should...."

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

At the same time, I think the direct approach might be taken differently when coming from a peer. A well-liked teacher can be something like a parent figure--a "grownup" figure (even when you're an adult) when you feel small and wish someone would step in and help you. Whereas I feel like I'd be more embarrassed if a peer had tried to pull that on me.

[carmine-rose.livejournal.com]

But it's not just the approach that's different there, I think. There's a big difference between an authority figure (like a friendly teacher) giving you advice and a friend or aquaintance doing it. The first time I was depressed, I hid it from all my friends, until I broke and went to my personal tutor, who said (in short) "It's ok - you're depressed - my husband suffers from depression, and I recognise the symptoms. Go to the doctors, they'll help you." And that helped enormously because I had no idea what was wrong with me until she talked to me. And as a lecturer, I've done the same for some of my students. In that position, you already have a certain "expert" aura, plus people don't feel they have to keep up a front. But it's a different dynamic with a mate.

[carmine-rose.livejournal.com]

Or, what Cleo said while I was writing my comment!

[iamsmr.livejournal.com]

if you really do want to be friends with her, maybe you could do that for its own sake, and ask about it once that became a more appropriate question.

This was my first thought too (although I don't have depression. One of my closest friends does, though). Wanting to help is genuinely great, but there's no way to just dive in- a genuine smile and "Hey, how's it going?" can go a long way with someone you don't otherwise interact with much. I guess, don't make "Hey, so, is everything OK with you?" your icebreaker, IMHO. (And - again, just my opinion - I wouldn't go with giving/leaving around info about depression, because it can feel patronizing.)
And even if you don't end up having some deep confiding-about-depression session, making another friend is always good (especially since you seem sensitive & considerate and would probably be a good friend to have around!)

[nicolars.livejournal.com]

I don't have an account, but I love reading and looking at other people's Tumblrs. It also seems good for shortish pieces of writing that go over 140 characters.

[nicolars.livejournal.com]

That's no fun, ESPECIALLY when you're not getting paid to write it.

[wee-warrior.livejournal.com]

There's a girl at my school struggling with depression. I want to help her, but we're not close. What would you have wanted someone to do when you felt down? Do you have any depression awareness sites I could see?

I think it's best to ask someone who is closer to the girl whether she's been feeling down lately. From my experience, if someone I didn't know had approached me and asked how I was I would have told them everything is fine.

If the poster is very worried and the friends approach doesn't work, it might be a good idea to ask a counselling teacher (if they have someone like that and it's someone the students trust, obviously. I remember ours being rather ineffective.)


I'm usually not for princesses, but this one is beautiful.