cleolinda | Two stories

What I Found In My Backyard Last Night: A Twitter Reenactment

@cleolinda: What are you barking at, Scout? What are you standing up to reach? Hey wait is that a snake in the tree I mean it's kind of limp maybe dead

@cleolinda: dead snake still not good that's a really low branch are we sure it's dead where is the rest of it beady black eyes OMFG POSSUM

@cleolinda: OMG OMG GIANT POSSUM BIGGER THAN MY CAT EYE CONTACT HAS BEEN MADE WITH GIANT GIANT POSSUM OMFG

@cleolinda: NO SCOUT WE'RE GOING INSIDE NOW POSSUM IS NOT TASTY omfg possum may be rare jumping possum RUN SCOUT RUN

@cleolinda: I looked up and that possum's face was 12 inches from my face, by the way, and it was just as Not Happy to see me.

@cleolinda: Scout is very proud of himself and wants to know why he can't have it, since he treed it fair and square. Because it will EAT YOU, Scout.

@bigmcc: @cleolinda No lie, possums are mean and fight dirty. They don't lose fights with household pets. Nuh-uh.

@cleolinda: @bigmcc IT WAS BIGGER THAN MY CAT (AND LET ME TELL YOU MY CAT IS PRETTY FAT)

So my sister comes downstairs this morning with giddy mischief in her eyes. "You remember that Sips 'n' Strokes thing I went to?"

"Yeah...?" (You pay to drink wine and paint stuff. She brought back a pretty nice abstract of a tree last time.)

"I am so going to--this is awesome. This is SO AWESOME. You are gonna LOVE IT--"

"Ohhhhh no."

"OH YES. IT IS AWESOME."

"Ohhhhh no. I feel where you're going with this."

"YEAH YOU DO."

"It's--it's a theme, isn't it?"

"YEAH IT IS."

"Ohhhhh no."

"I'm gonna to go to this and I'm going to the Starry Night one!"

"Wait... so is this a real art painting then? Because that's not hilarious. Not in the way I was thinking."

"Let me put it this way... it is something that someone actually painted at some time."

"OHHHHHHHH NO."

"OH YES."

"WHY IS IT THAT I ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE ABOUT."

"BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME."

Stretch this out for another five minutes while she wrestles with the SNS website on her phone to show me what it is--but finally: "No--wait, wait! You gotta see it! You gotta see it! OKAY HERE IT IS THEY'RE GONNA TEACH US TO PAINT THIS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

(May I direct you to the painting for October 18th. It is exactly what I was expecting--the theme, at least, having judged by the gleam of evil in my sister's eye--and yet so much worse.)

(Let it be noted here that my sister's involvement in the Twilight fandom is that she is an old-school Cedric Diggory fan, has seen the movie and wants to see the next one, but has not read the books and is great to play Horrify the Twilight Noob with. In fact, I explained imprinting to her this morning, shortly after this incident, which was excellent sport. So she is not a True Believer. Judging by this conversation, I suspect she is an outright lolfan.)

"THAT'S NOT EVEN REAL! THAT'S A FAN MANIP POSTER FROM MONTHS AGO!"

"What? No, for real? And they're charging $50 to teach you to paint it, too."

"They took David Boreanaz from Angel and stuck his head on! IT'S NOT EVEN--FIFTY DOLLARS? YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO THAT."

"YEAH I AM! It'll be AWESOME. TICKETS FOR FOUR!"

"Well, I hope you have three friends who AREN'T ME, then."

(She does, and begins texting one of them to this effect. They all want to go.)

(Suddenly, a hideous idea enters my brain.)

"Look, I will sell my blood plasma to pay you NOT to bring that thing home and give it to me."

"I was totally going to. I mean it."

"I WILL PAY YOU NOT TO DO THAT."

"IT'LL BE AWESOME."

"NO IT WON'T."

"Then I'll put it right over there on the mantel."

"YOU'RE GONNA PUT FAN ART OF FAN ART ON THE MANTEL."

"It'll be worth every penny."

*sob*