The Twilight Tea tea-tasting extravaganza

[cleolinda]

So: quietselkie sent over a merchandising sample of the latest Officially Licensed™ Twilight Product: Twilight Tea, as created by Luxe Tea. (Twilight Coffee also available, but not included. Which is good, because I don't drink coffee, and I ain't startin' for "La Tua Cantante." Her blood sings for him, you guys! And now her coffee does too!)

I agreed to try the tea samples FOR SCIENCE, because I am dumb.



Hypothesis

No offense to Luxe, but it is Twilight merchandise, so in my prior experience: Twilight Tea is going to be kind of awful, and I might actually die of it.


Qualifications

I drink iced tea all the live-long day, which is a completely different thing. Oh, and in college, I used to have a thing for Celestial Seasonings' Lemon Zinger. And two or three cups of Earl Grey in my lifetime. So in other words, I have absolutely no qualifications to taste-test tea.


Materials

Three (3) unlabeled pyramid bags, one (1) of each flavor
One (1) busted-ass kettle
One (1) tea cup from an all-in-one tea... brewer... thing, although teapot component will not actually be used
Two (2) sugar cookies to cleanse palate between samples

Methodology

Kettle is filled with only enough water to make one cup of tea, so as to heat water more quickly, and to heat each cup separately
iPhone timer is set to 5 minutes for herbal/fruit tea, 3 minutes for black tea
Tea bag is bounced around a bit during the steeping phase, which is incredibly boring, I'll have you know
Notes taken during tasting so as to capture initial impressions
Cup somewhat carelessly rinsed between teas, eh

Results

1) Bite Me Strawberry Seduction

Description: Tease your palette with the berry best. Our scintillating scarlet infusion is tangy, fruit forward and satisfying. Delicious hot or cold--you'll want to Bite Me and Bite Me again with luscious strawberries, apple, and hibiscus!

Ingredients: Strawberries, red apples, hibiscus.

Wow, that description is so creepy. Uhhhhh. Please don't seduce me, tea. I have never felt bad-touched by a beverage before, but Twilight Tea, you have managed it.


Impressions: You know, I wasn't even entirely sure this was the strawberry tea, since the bags were unlabeled. It did give off a very strong whiff of strawberry Starburst candy, and the other herbal bag seemed to have a lot more... stuff... in it, so I ended up concluding that this was most likely the strawberry tea.

The thing is, I tasted the actual cup of tea, and there was no fruit flavor. Nothing. Not at all. If I sipped it with my nose close to the cup, I could definitely smell a strawberry scent, and I could almost taste it (smell and taste being so closely linked), but not actually. I have had hibiscus tea, so I could taste that, but the "apple" flavor, that was right out. It tasted like tea, and that was all. Which is really weird, because "tea" is not actually listed as an ingredient.

The "experiment" may have been affected by the fact that boiling water ended up being way too hot (actual handwritten notes: blow on outrageously hot tea. holy fuck that's fucking hot), and I ended up throwing in an ice cube (which instantly vaporized) to expedite the drinking process. But I did not, in fact, scald my tongue, and I feel like if there had been any actual fruit flavor in the tea at all, I would have perceived some of it.


2) Cullen’s English Breakfast

Description: Relax with the refined sense of the extraordinary. For the most discriminating tea aficionado, this classic uses only the finest parts of the tea bush. Masterfully blended, this brew keeps your eyes amber and take the edge off. It’s the Aston Martin of tease… extraordinarily English!

Ingredients: Indian Black Teas.

See, because Carlisle was originally from Ye Olde England, and... (Stephenie Meyer apparently said that she wouldn't ever write a novel about Carlisle because she didn't want to have to do the research.)

(The Aston Martin... the... of... the what?)

("This is the English thing of creepy word! I AM DONE WRITING COPY FOR TODAY.")

It's also good to finally have a tea approved by the Eye of Sauron.


Impressions: Tea bag was slightly contaminated by fruitiness of neighboring tea bags, but as strawberry tea did not have any actual strawberry taste, decided this would not be a problem. Also, I resolved this time to use only steaming water. I don't know English Breakfast tea very well in general, but I'm pretty sure the target audience for this product--fans who don't know jack shit about hot tea but will buy anything with a logo on it--doesn't either, so it's all good.

It tastes like... tea. A bit crisper and more astringent than the iced tea I'm used to. Not unpleasant. Seems like a very nice, quality blend. I mean, I guess. It's... tea. You know. If you're into this kind of thing, this is the kind of thing you will be into.

After a quick survey on Twitter as to what people usually put in their English tea, I was informed very strenuously that it must have milk. I added milk (2%, all I had). It tasted like... tea. And I added a lot of milk, too. No change. LIKE TEA. BECAUSE IT IS.

@heymandy @cleolinda Though something tells me (it's the topaz eyes thing) that it's actually going to be Earl Grey (tea + dried bergamot flowers).

@cleolinda @heymandy Actually, no. Opportunity wasted, that.

@heymandy @cleolinda ... I'm not sure how I feel about coming up with an arguably better Edward tea than the actual tea people.


3) New Moon Red

Description: No description, because it's mistakenly repeated from the Cullen tea. Ah! Wait! Here's what it says on the bookmark: "Bring out your wild Bella-inspired side." So presumably this is what you drink right before you go jump cliffs on your werewolf motorcycle.

Ingredients: Rooibos, elderberries, rosehip, blueberries, lavender & rose petals, naturally caffeine-free.

I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed that they left out the freesia.


Impressions: Sister Girl happened to walk in during my third testing, took one look at it, and said, "It smells like cotton candy." Upon further sniffing she pronounced, "And strawberry jello."

"It's got ROSE PETALS and LAVENDER in it."

"Yeah... that sounds like Twilight."

This one was interesting because it was STRONG (also, I forgot to put the timer on), and because it had a really interesting bouquet. And was the color of blueberry juice ( I don't know if this comes across in the picture, but it was almost purple). The strongest flavor was the blueberry; the second strongest was something that seemed unplaceably familiar--maybe the rosehip, because I think that's also in Lemon Zinger, and that's what it reminded me of. Possibly the rooibos. A pretty nice scent, but as the tea cooled off, the rosehip/rooibos/whatever flavor started to really overpower the blueberry, which itself got pretty strong, so it was like this herbal tea war going on in my mouth. Also: not so much with the "red." It truly had a purple color. Of the three, it's definitely the most intereOH MY GOD MY PHONE MY PHONE IS IN THE TEA HELP IT'S IN THE TEA DRY IT OFF DRY IT OFF NOOOOO STAY WITH ME PHOOOOONE STAY WITH MEEEEEEE--

Huh. Picked it up, dried it off, phone is totally fine. Twilight Tea's New Moon Red: Won't kill your iPhone. A+++.


Conclusion

Tea varieties were not awful, although they did have wildly varying degrees of effectiveness. But they weren't some kind of cheap, tarted-up foofoo treebark shavings or anything. It's decent, actual tea. I did not die. Phone did not die. I deem this experiment a success.


(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Comments

[smands.livejournal.com]

Having tasted the godawful conversational hearts, I must commend you for your bravery at trying any Twilight foodstuffs. I must say as an avid tea-drinker, none of these sound very good. Tea should never smell like jello, IMO. Hope you will venture to try some other kinds of tea that don't have vampirey marketing copy attached sometime! ^_^

[manekikoneko.livejournal.com]

I once had a cherry something-something tea - I forget what else was in it for the reason following - that smelled like cough syrup. If I didn't inhale first, it actually tasted fine, but the cough syrup-cherry was overwhelming. And this was from a nice tea place! Very sad.

[cupcakery.livejournal.com]

I can't look at tea without thinking of dirty paintbrush water.

... New Moon Red is, an, uh, interesting name. My brain is making connotations that I don't think the product marketers meant to happen.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

... yeah.

[viorica8957.livejournal.com]

Stephenie Meyer apparently said that she wouldn't ever write a novel about Carlisle because she didn't want to have to do the research

I . . . I don't . . .

Why is she successful?

[elbales]

I KNOW.

[xmyrin.livejournal.com]

god, if your phone had died during this awful experiment...

also, i'm kind of disappointed that it wasn't horrible a la the conversation hearts.

[xmyrin.livejournal.com]

i heard putting your phone in a bowl of brown rice is supposed to help? it absorbs the moisture out? or something?

[plazmah.livejournal.com]

… extraordinarily English!

Ingredients: Indian Black Teas.</>

Am I the only one who LOLed at the irony? ;)

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

Well, it was a colony, and India is the second-largest producer of tea worldwide.

[magicloaf.livejournal.com]

Are your cell phones lemmings to water or what? ;)

[kitsune17.livejournal.com]

I think it's an Apple thing. My iPod has met water twice now. The first time, I wasn't aware the water was in the windowsill I placed it on as I ran down to get my daughter.

The second time I dropped it in a puddle. I sort of stared at it for a moment then freaked out, picking it up and attempting to dry it off.

Luckily, the iDevices are pretty okay with water. They drain out rather nicely.

[lunylucy.livejournal.com]

I can't get past the giant eye on the packaging.

Carlisle is watching you.. drink tea?

[awanderingbard.livejournal.com]

I...wouldn't mind if he were, actually.

*despite all her time spent here, does not have a Twilight lolz icon. She is going with Dr. Horrible. 'Cuz.*

[ppyajunebug.livejournal.com]

I like tea, but something tells me that this would not be something worth spending my monies on. I'll stick with my more inexpensive gingerbread tea thankyouverymuch.

However, Bite Me Strawberry Seduction? Really? I would prefer if you did not bite me, thanks. I don't need your sparklegerms.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I am intrigued by this gingerbread tea.

[kian.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the most hysterical taste test ever!

[annelaure.livejournal.com]

Ditto !!!!!

rotf lmao !!!

[elbales]

Thank you for taking the hit.... for science! Hilarious as usual. A+++

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

LOL, I enjoyed reading that!

[syvia.livejournal.com]

It's also good to finally have a tea approved by the Eye of Sauron.

That is good!

Laughed my way through this post and I'm glad your phone is okay.

[ilanka.livejournal.com]

LOVE YOUR ICON!

[onceinspired.livejournal.com]

Twilight is going to be the death of you at this rate, I swear. First you almost die from the candy, then it assaults your iPhone. Who/what's next?!

[munin-and-hugin.livejournal.com]

You icon made me ponder a True Blood and Wizard of Oz crossover. I think because of the sky and gingham.

[brandyllyn.livejournal.com]

I have not laughed that hard (STAY WITH ME PHOOOOONE STAY WITH MEEEEEEE) since I read 'And if they blow up the Sears, Gerald is going to be so mad, you don’t even know'.

Thanks for making my day.

(Also, won the Tonner Edward from @geekgirldiva, what is the proper care and feeding of a sparklepire? Do I need to invest in some BellaBarbies?)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

O hai! I just saw that on her Twitter. I highly recommend local fauna, particularly rodentia, but failing that, dolls with long, dark curly hair. Bella Barbies would suit, yeah.

[quietselkie.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you for falling on the sword for the rest of us! LOLtastic as always!

[silverusagi]

I'm still confused as to why there's a Twilight tea, LOL. (And why is there NO FREESIA ADDED?) Candy hearts I can understand...

[tygress.livejournal.com]

Because people will buy ANYTHING with a brand name on it sometimes. Seriously. If you've ever seen these people with huge collections of... things... they'll buy any sort of crap if it's got their fave 'things' name on it.

[pinkfinity.livejournal.com]

I like strawberries, although I hate tea, so I read your write-up of that and strongly feel that someone should do an icon involving your lovely photograph of the tea and this text:
"Tea" is not actually listed as an ingredient.

I could try (if it's ok for me to use the photo and text, with full credit to you) but it wouldn't be as pretty as it would be if someone with actual talent iconized it.

[rockgeisha.livejournal.com]

I like the punnery of "the Aston Martin of tease." Very classy. Also, just poking around the LT site, it looks like they were like, "Well, we got some Mountain Red, English Breakfast, and Strawberry Seduction lying around."

[profbutters.livejournal.com]

THIS. It sounds EXACTLY like that.

[dwg.livejournal.com]

I had a fruit tea sampler a bit back, and haven't been too impressed with the strawberry or black cherry ones. Mostly because they both taste like Starburst chews, only hot and liquidy. My favourite remains the raspberry tea from Twinings, as it does not have as much caffeine in it as regular tea so it won't keep me awake forever. (You have no idea how disappointed I am that I can't drink black tea or have coffee if I ever want to sleep again).

I am now a little afraid of the New Moon Red. I don't want to bring out my wild Bella-inspired side. Never mind that it'd be like a reverse Jekyll & Hyde, I have enough weird in my life and priorities other than dealing with Edward's intimacy issues and hoping his hair does not kill me.

[lupegarou.livejournal.com]

i actually have the exact opposite problem... if i ingest caffeine, it puts me to sleep within 30-45 mins.

have you tried decaf black tea? they make it. i've never had it.

[lupegarou.livejournal.com]

what happened?! did it fall in the teacup or did the tea spill?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I dropped it into the cup while I was trying to take a picture, and because I actually used a big, shallow cup, it went right in.

[mrs-bruin.livejournal.com]

You are very brave. I'm glad you didn't die.

Sorry, but when I hear twilight tea, the first thing I think of is some gross...joke?...of Edward making tea...so no.

also

It's also good to finally have a tea approved by the Eye of Sauron.

lol

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Unnnnnghhhh... I can imagine how that joke ends, and I do not want.

[queenanthai.livejournal.com]

Tea bag was slightly contaminated by fruitiness of neighboring tea bags

Annnnnnd I'm done.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Oh lord, I didn't even realize how dirty that was until you pointed it out.

[duosiceprincess.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, I think I know the gag gift all my tea-drinking coworkers are getting for Christmas. Thank you miss!

Also, in the spirit of your science, check out this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/user/benchilada#p/u

He's a friend, and hilarious.

[wolfsdawn.livejournal.com]

Good tea review...glad I don't have to try it, lol. The strawberry one skeered me.

Stash tea makes a great Ginger Peach tea. Worth the trying hot or cold, either way.

I sweeten with both honey AND sugar, never use milk, and make it like for hot tea then pour over ice...lol, I'm inherently lazy, and that works.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

I'm a fan of the Republic of Tea's Ginger Peach, myself, but I haven't tried Stash's..

[acaciakitty.livejournal.com]

I was bored at work today and got sucked into TV Tropes and reading your notes made me think of the Apocolyptic Log that I read about there. (No matter what is happening or what death is imminent, you just keep writing.)