Oh, why the hell not?

[cleolinda]

So I had some time to kill while I was waiting on multiple batches of cookies to bake (another thing for Mom's work), and starherd sent me a spare pack of those Twilight conversation heart candies, which I had said I should just go ahead and review. You know. For science! Besides, a different movie site writes about these every two weeks and then everyone sends me the link so, you know: The Official Discussion of Nasty-Ass Colored Chalk Candy. Let it be so.

Note: I would be more than happy to do this with candy or merchandise from another fandom (I still kind of regret not getting the Pirates of the Caribbean cereal, actually). Except Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans. I ain't tastin' no earwax candy. My dedication only goes so far, people.

The pictures do not do the box itself justice--I had a really hard time getting a shot with accurate color, which is important because poor RPattz looks like he wants your braaaaaains, not your blood. Here's the best I could do with color correction:

Because when I want to sell you candy, I think "greenish leper."

These are the only legible hearts in the entire package. Yes, the whole thing. But what do they say?

"Does that say 'lame'?"

"No, lamb-- "

"What was lamb?"

"Mom, you saw the movie! You know! The part with the lion and the lamb and--"

"Ohhhh, the part that was so bad."

"YES."

I like how they give you both "TRUST ME" and "I TRUST YOU" (asked and answered!). "U R MY LIFE" needs a "LOL" at the end, though, I think.

How about the taste? (Note: Orange and purple ~*sparkle*~. Or kind of look like they've come down with a metallic rash. Whichever, that's cool.)

Secret Strawberry: Ever so vaguely like strawberry bubblegum. Not bad. Wouldn't fight you for it, but I wouldn't turn it down, either. Actually, I went back to this one after I'd tested the other three.

~*Orange Obsession*~: Very distinctly orange (I mean, considering that it's a bland, chalky candy). Kind of a popsicle-type orange. "Sparkles" are only on the outside, however.

~*Passion Fruit*~: Suggestive of grapefruit and something else, I can't tell what--a touch of raspberry (maybe that's the sparkle)? I don't know offhand what passion fruit tastes like, so I can't really judge. Would not eat again.

Tempting Apple: So vaguely, vaguely red that you can hardly tell it apart from the strawberry. (Ah! Here's the secret: it's red once you take it out of your mouth.) (That's what she said.) (I'm sorry, I won't do that again.) Tastes like it's thinking about being apple-flavored, maybe tomorrow if we feel like it. Kind of tastes like a little Passion Fruit got mixed in, I don't know. Wait, there's the apple flavor, I'm kind of getting it now. Wouldn't eat this again either.

Of course, I've never liked conversation heart candy--not to eat, anyway; I've always felt like their true calling was to be craft supplies. In fact, you know what? I think I've got some of those Dove chocolates around here somewhere to wash out the taste. You know, the ones with the little feel-good messages in the wrappers--"Chocolate feeds your soul!" or whatever. Yeah. Good times. Good, non-chalky times.


Also, cryptic communication: Thank you, hakojo! I think it'll show up in the next installment. : )

Comments

[amaz0n-princess.livejournal.com]

"Mom, you saw the movie! You know! The part with the lion and the lamb and--"

"Ohhhh, the part that was so bad."

I know I've said it before, but I seriously love your mother!

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Considering that 75% of the main characters don't eat candy, or any other kind of people-food, mountain lions with trite declarations of love engraved on them would have been more appropriate. However, they are more difficult to package and merchandise.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

At least you'd have room to spell out "You are my life" properly, though.

[chaos-slave.livejournal.com]

I saw those at the Trussville Wal-mart and thought of you this weekend!

[gwynnywonk.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but most conversation hearts are chalky... I just think it's hilarious that these ones sparkle.

The most lolarious part is still the flavor-naming. I mean, "Secret Strawberry?" REALLY?

[thisiamdenied.livejournal.com]

The outrageous strawberry flavor is hidden within the depths of the chalk. That's why it's SUPER SECRET.

[saramiskismet.livejournal.com]

brb, going over here to be disgruntled that they gave candy hearts to Edward when that was a Jacob thing.

(I'm Team Jacob, I want to keep the few nice things I get, you guys.)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Was it? I don't remember that at all.

[viorica8957.livejournal.com]

*looks at the package picture*

What's with those "secrets of the night?" They're all just basic character stats.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I know, right? BELLA'S DAD IS A COP, YOU GUYS, DUN TELL NOBODY.

[moongirli.livejournal.com]

We bought a package for when we MST3K'd the movie. They were BAD, and I like the regular conversation hearts.

[bleedingspade.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your icon is the most epic of win.

[ailaes.livejournal.com]

(Ah! Here's the secret: it's red once you take it out of your mouth.) (That's what she said.) (I'm sorry, I won't do that again.)

ctfu

[hopeandmemory.livejournal.com]

Except Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans. I ain't tastin' no earwax candy. My dedication only goes so far, people.

I've cracked open one of the vomit-flavored ones and given it a whiff, and dear God, is it accurate. I'm pretty sure they actually include bile in the candy. It is foul.

[saramiskismet.livejournal.com]

THEY MAKE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO VOMIT.

I saw on the Food Network that vomit-flavored jelly beans actually came from a failed attempt to make pizza-flavored jelly beans. They just added some acidic ingredient to make it taste like legit vomit.

[maxiekatt2.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine said the purple ones taste like how cat pee smells. I was a little alarmed to realize she was right.

[brit78.livejournal.com]

oh my gosh I just got a whole bag of those Dove chocolates for my bday... they're the best.

[hakojo.livejournal.com]

Yaay, it arrived! Thanks for the confirmation - I'm not kidding when I say that my mom has been badgering me asking if you got it yet ever since I sent the darn thing, and now I can tell her yes :P

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Aw! I checked my box on Saturday (and it wasn't there), and I don't usually check during the week but I did today for some reason. So yay! Thank you. : )

[camelai.livejournal.com]

Uh, "forks"?
Is that... relevant to the book or the movie somehow? Or did a tech with a sense of humor put that one on?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Forks is the name of the town. The rainiest, most overcast town in the history of ever, hence a magnet for sparklepires, etc. It's the one you give to the kid in class you don't like, I guess.

[aidenlane.livejournal.com]

I'm not against conversation heart candy but I like to laugh at the messages more than eat them.

Oh, I've had the Pirates of the Caribbean cereal, it was good. I always got it when I went to store as long as they had it. Even saved the boxes because come on, Jack Sparrow.

I'm glad now that I never thought to actually get the Twilight candies. Well, first off, I wouldn't want to be seen with them...

[lowc.livejournal.com]

Haha, I had the same "does that say 'lame'!?" conversation with my friends. Our general consensus was that "Forks" was the most random (and thus the best) of the bunch.

[lilyofshalott]

::run by glomping::

The Forks one is indeed made of win. I also like how the ~*~Dazzle~*~ ones are sparkly. ^_^

(Edit for fail in selecting the proper lulzy Lizzy icon.)

[orexisbella.livejournal.com]

It definitely says "lame". <_< XD

[sweet-pessimism.livejournal.com]

I feel like one could potentially write dirty magnetic "poetry" with some of these. If only there were more variety, then we'd really be in business.

"Forks"? Seriously? Did they really run out of ideas that fast? "So, we've done the lamb thing, we've done the forever thing.. What else should we put?" "THE LOCATION, DUH."

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

"Forks"? Seriously? Did they really run out of ideas that fast?

I'm surprised they didn't go with "Adonis" or "Volvo". Or, hell, "chagrin".

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

Dove chocolate is chalky.

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

No, wait - it's waxy.

[aymaera.livejournal.com]

omg, "Dazzle"

Definitely craft supplies

[kakyuu-hime.livejournal.com]

I think the movie tie-in food item I miss most is the Pirates of the Caribbean White Chocolate (or were they vanilla?) M&Ms. (They called them pearls.)
THOSE THINGS WERE AMAZING. They were my favorite movie snack that entire summer.

My friend bought me the RPattz box as a joke. I had wondered whether or not they were like the actual chalky conversation hearts, or maybe a tastier version. And now I know... and I think I'll just keep the box as a funny momento.

[glenvorian.livejournal.com]

I wish they'd make those again, I'm not sure if I ever tried them.

[rufinia.livejournal.com]

GODDAMNIT.

I just bought the full set (all three collectable boxes) and was going to mail them tomorrow.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Aw! You can send 'em anyway. Like I said: craft supplies. : )

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

"Mom, you saw the movie! You know! The part with the lion and the lamb and--"

"Ohhhh, the part that was so bad."

Oh thank goodness. We won't have to be locking her in a room to restrain her from pouncing on RPattz at the inevitable Tour of Terror: Part Deux.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

She did threaten to take Tonner Edward into protective custody if I attempted to liberate his hair. So I just... didn't ever mention that I did. Um.

[marbles-chan.livejournal.com]

And now the challenge would be to write fantastically hilarious fanfic using the candy hearts. Or at least use them as prompts of some sort.

[fineprnt.livejournal.com]

So, your icon. I could swear that that little teeth-dazzle is moving when I look away.

[sweet-pessimism.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey - I thought you might find this amusing, and this seems like an appropriate entry to mention it in.

At my school, there's this four-part poster up in the hallway outside one teacher's classroom. It has been there pretty much all year. It basically has pictures of Edward and Bella being woobly and the Twilight cast being attractive on it, and descriptions of each book.

A friend and I have decided that it needs some new pictures. Our choices? This one (http://i41.tinypic.com/15odwy8.gif) for the Twilight portion and this one (http://i40.tinypic.com/24oalxj.jpg) (I sloppily added the Bella head, demon-alien head already included) for the Breaking Dawn portion. Operation LOL goes down tomorrow at lunch, when the halls are deserted. Pictures will be taken.

[saramiskismet.livejournal.com]

:O

YOU ~*~MUST~*~ POST THIS IN A WAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO SEE IT.

[nyahu.livejournal.com]

Oh good.. I don't have to buy these for myself out of curiosity, now. Thanks!

I saw them at the store and just started flailing with my jaw open like I discovered Alice was related to a flamingo. My friend had to drag me away from the display before anyone noticed (too late).