Fnarr

[cleolinda]

Guys... I really don't like getting into my personal health business here, but I've been in a good bit of pain the last week or two--well, "a good bit of pain" for someone who isn't used to significant amounts of pain; I'm sure someone with a chronic illness would laugh at me--and I'm just hoping it's not ovarian cysts at this point. It's not a stabbing pain, per se, so I suppose that's encouraging? Maybe I just really need a new desk chair, as this one's kind of busted? It feels mostly like muscle pain, but who knows? All I know is, 1) if I lie down, get comfortable, and then try to sit up, IT HURTS A LOT; 2) there are days when I don't have it at all, which says to me it's not a kidney problem or, really, a muscle problem, and really is probably related to Something Else; 3) the lower back is a bad place to mess around, regardless. But until I can get in to see a doctor--and it can take weeks to get an appointment at these places--I'm just going to be taking my naproxen (think prescription-strength Aleve, I guess you'd say?) and trying not to trip over my own feet with loopiness.

I talk about mental health issues because I feel like talking helps. I don't talk about physical issues because pain's just pain. If you have PCOS, you can't talk your ovaries out of it (although, more likely than not, it contributes chemically to my depression). So I don't really tell y'all about it. It feels more private, and I hate talking about it. I mean, I really hate it, I hate talking about reproductive/gynocological issues with a mixed-gender audience of thousands of people, none of whom signed up to hear about girlpain (and some of whom are probably defriending me as we speak), and I hate feeling like I have to talk about it to justify something. But yes, that was part of what was going on underneath My Existential Ennui. And yes, I would rather have you think I was wallowing in my own melancholy, because at least that way six thousand people wouldn't be thinking about my ovaries.

(... Oh shit.)

Here's why I'm telling you about it now:

Please don't ask me when I'm going to post this or that or whatever. It's not for lack of trying, and pain makes it kind of hard to think. The doll thing is just--"silly" isn't the word; "playful," almost?--enough that I can do it most easily. And the longer it takes me to write, say, Star Trek in Fifteen Minutes, the less relevant the whole thing becomes--other people already have similar parodies up--and the less likely it is to ever go up. So there's no point in bugging me, is what I'm saying. I mean, I'm fairly savvy about these things; I know what people want me to post. Honestly, all it does is get me angry. Angry enough to tell you all this even though I was trying not to, and even though I'm now scared I've pissed people off. Believe me, if I could work any faster, I would.

Comments

[musikologie.livejournal.com]

On the contrary, those of us with chronic pain understand where you're coming from perfectly. *snuggles* Take care of yourself, first and foremost!

[nicolars.livejournal.com]

ITA. It's not an issue I talk much about, but I do have a chronic illness which can involve a lot of painful episodes. And when I am in pain like that, I really don't have the motivation to do much of anything.

So I really just hope Cleo starts feeling well soon -- for herself, and not because I want to read SLoD, etc. It's no fun and can cause a lot of depression and bad feelings in addition to the pain.

[nefariousgrey.livejournal.com]

I can't believe people are bugging you about something you do for free and for fun. That's really douchetastic of them.

Personally, I always look forward to your Secret Life updates and I check every day for one, but that doesn't mean I feel entitled to an update. I just really love your writing. You should take the time you need, work on the things you want, and not feel guilty.

I hope your health concerns are nothing drastic. D:

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Actually, if you hit the "track this" button--it looks like a thumbtack--you can sign up for alerts on a certain tag. So every time something tagged "the secret life of dolls" got posted, you'd get an email. I mean, not that I don't want you to come around, but anyone concerned about missing something could sign up for auto updates that way.

[off_coloratura]

Even when people ask ME -- who is not suffering from pain and who does not write crazy-popular posts with massively huge followings-- when I am going to post something, it ticks me off. I have a LIFE offline, and LJ is not and should not be the primary reason for anyone's existence. Don't you DARE feel scared you've pissed people off; they're not paying for your posts and they should take what they get when you want to give it to them. And like it.

Just as a reminder:
http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/05/entitlement-issues.html

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

Amen! I was going to post this if someone else didn't.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

*squishes you*

I live with someone who has multiple chronic conditions, and I have my own neurological issues myself. I couldn't be any more chilled out about what/if you post. I'm grateful for anything you write. The fact that anyone is pressuring you is NOT COOL in the slightest.

I'm not going to spit the dummy at anyone like I did last year (again, sorry about that), but any nagging person - consider yourself glared at. The internet is full of free entertainment. Go thou and entertain thyself elsewhere. Stressing Cleo out further will NOT get you anything any better, any faster. If anything, she will end up performing a (totally reasonable) ~*flounce*~, and nobody will be happy.

Chill the fuck out and read fandom secrets, or icanhazcheeseburger or something. Hours of fun.

*squishes Cleo again*

Get your head together, get your health checked out. Everyone who's worth anything will still be around when you're feeling better.

[editornia.livejournal.com]

Everyone who's worth anything will still be around when you're feeling better.

I couldn't agree more. :)

[kilted.livejournal.com]

I really just can't believe that people bug you about posting things. It's not like this is your job. It's something cool that you happen to do. You take whatever kind of time you need and I hope you start feeling better!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

You deliver the politest, kindest smackdowns and everyone on the net should take lessons from you. ^_^ Perhaps your pain is something to do with muscles; muscles are weird like that. I hope it gets better quickly.

[katimus.livejournal.com]

i guess people will always be like that, they don't mean to push you or make you work faster when you can't, they're just impatient because they love what you do so much. take it as a compliment.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I try to, and mostly I take it in the spirit it's meant, but sometimes the wording of the requests can be... I don't even know how to describe it. "Seriously entitled"? "Borderline offensive"?

[brit78.livejournal.com]

I hope you get a doctor appointment soon. And I haven't seen Star Trek so I couldn't read an M15M anyway. ;)

[katimus.livejournal.com]

oh, you totally should read an M15M before seeing the movie. i did it with troy and i was in stitches later at the theatre. especially when brad pitt started yelling HECTOOOOOOOR and all i could think was STELLAAAAA, i seriously pissed people off by laughing out loud.

[modpixie.livejournal.com]

do what you gotta do to be healthy and happy. we like a healthy cleo!

[plasticprincess.livejournal.com]

I hope that it's nothing serious, I have Endo so I totally understand (pain-wise as well as not wanting to talk about it). In any case I hope you feel better soon and hey if people really appreciate all the awesome writing you share with us, they'll understand good things come to those who wait! ;)

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Cleo,

I read the whole thing.

Physical pain is an intensely personal thing, to the point of being unknowable by others -- no one can ever completely know how pain feels to you. Sounds obvious, but the implications of how we can't truly experience or completely understand another person's physical pain are so huge that books have been written about it. (I remember Elaine Scarry's The Body in Pain (http://www.powells.com/partner/30264/biblio/0195049969) from my college reading.)

Many of my friends, including my former girlfriend, have chronic pain among their health issues, and I adapt to that and help them when I can because I love them. And I still can only know what they're feeling tangentially, unless mind melds become possible. So I understand enough.

And I know not to be asking "Hey when are you gonna do this and that and these and and and..."

Sorry this has been happening, and that it's been maddening.

And I read the whole thing.

*sends mental massage*

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

And I read the whole thing.

Oh dear--was it really that long?

[soulforophelia.livejournal.com]

You didn't piss me off and I fully understand you work in your own time, hence I've never asked when you will put something off. Feel better!!! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. :)

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

Ugh. People treating you like a performing monkey need to back the hell off.

RE: pain issues. I've had both ovarian cysts and kidney problems (lucky, lucky me) so I can maybe give you an idea of what to look for? Maybe. Kidney problems gave me horrendous back pain in the just-below-the-waist area, accompanied by headache, fever, and weeing-related pain. (This was from a wicked UTI gone wild, though. There are other kidney issues that can cause swelling in the legs, I think.) Pain from the cysts was more like appendix-area pain, and tended to be sharp and based on movement, rather than the constant throbbing pain of the kidney infection. There was also spotty bleeding after lots of exercise, and horrible, horrible pain with bleeding during sexytiems. (DID NOT WANT.)

Anyway. Hope this is in some way helpful instead of just being TMI. Hee.

[lone-gothic.livejournal.com]

I sincerely hope you get better. And... I'm not sure if it's relevant here or not, but have you ever tried a hot water bottle to loosen up your muscles?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I don't think we have one, but there's a trusty heating pad around here I need to dig up.

[trappermcintyre.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I speak for lots of other people, I'd even go so far as to say the large majority of people who read what you write in saying that while I love reading what you produce, I would much rather hear nothing from you for weeks if it means that you are looking after yourself and doing what it takes to get well (or as well as you ever get). In addition, don't worry about having pissed people off. I think the only people you would have pissed off with this post is those who were being unreasonable and unrealistic in the first place.

I know how draining both chronic pain and mental illness can be, and I hope you do what you need to do to feel better. I'm sending all my good thoughts and wishes to you.

Lizzie
(long time lurker *goes back to lurking*)

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

I hate that you have to justify yourself to something people have no right to feel "entitled" to. I mean, you probably realise by now I'm scarily obsessed with SLoD, but seriously? The hell? This isn't the puppet scene in The Sound of Music, this isn't Being John Malcovich, this is your sandbox and we're just privileged to sometimes get to play in it with you.

And the Being John Malcovich comment has put some very disturbing images in my head.

Anyway. You? Feel better soon. Not so I can get a fix, but so you feel better.

And crap, I probably sound like some arse-kissing monkey who is trying to cover up entitlement issues, but I do hope you realise that when some of us go all Kermit-flaily over new SLoD it isn't because OMG IT IS OUR RIGHT, but because every installment is a gift that you don't have to give.

[alliancesjr.livejournal.com]

Heartily seconded, the whole thing.

*carefully puts away plotbunny for Being Cleolinda Jones fanfic*

[chaneen.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know how sucky chronic pain can be, especially lower back pain. Here's hoping it's nothing too serious, and good luck with the doctor. :)

I did want to mention, in case you're not aware, that you should be careful about how much naproxen you take, since it can fuck up your stomach lining if you take it for too long. I herniated two discs in my lower back a couple years ago and was prescribed naproxen for it but none of the literature said anything about this, and I ended up developing gastritis and have to take medication to avoid horrible pain and the inability to eat anything that isn't completely bland. D: So, just be careful. Hopefully everything will get cleared up for you before you'd have to worry about it.

Also, people should STFU and stop bugging you to update (entitlement issues, for the lose). As far as I'm concerned, you could never post a SLoD entry again and I wouldn't be mad. I definitely enjoy reading them, but I would rather you do stuff that's fun for you, than do something you feel you have to do. Don't let those assholes get to you, just keep having fun doing what you're doing, and quit when you're not having fun, you know?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't take naproxen on any kind of regular basis, just as a last-ditch thing.

[wombatgirl.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry people keep bugging you to post. I'm one of your multitudes of lurkers (I very rarely comment; I'm never as pithy as your usual commenters and they tend to cover everything I want to say) and I love your work, but I just can't comprehend bugging you for it. It's an incredible gift you're giving us, and nothing messes with getting presents like annoying the gifter!

I hope the pain subsides soon - good luck getting into the doc. I am crossing my fingers for you.

(Want we should send The Botherers emails, asking when they'll grow up and get a brain? jk)

[thisiamdenied.livejournal.com]

Take your time. Your health is far more important than anything else, and people bitching at you to hurry up with updates is just plain rude and inconsiderate.

I hope you get well soon!

[ladyelaine.livejournal.com]

I'm sure someone with a chronic illness would laugh at me

Nope. We chronic ouchers know more about pain (and how everyone's perception of it varies) than even our doctors might. Pain is pain. Not knowing quite why it happens doesn't make it hurt any less.

[funnelwebkitten.livejournal.com]

From this far flung end of the internets I send you lots of healing and healthful thoughts.

You take all the time you need to do whatever YOU have to do in order to function how YOU want to.

to borrow the immortal words of Neil Gaiman "Cleolinda is NOT your bitch"


Anyone with entitlement issues can kiss a fat rats clacker.

[redheadedali.livejournal.com]

to borrow the immortal words of Neil Gaiman "Cleolinda is NOT your bitch"

Word.

[alliancesjr.livejournal.com]

I'd like to refer all these people to Made of Fail Episode 14 (http://community.livejournal.com/made_of_fail_pc/6953.html), wherein we discuss for a few minutes the whole Secret Life phenomenamena (doo doo do do do), and how A: You are doing this for fun. The moment it stops being fun, you have no reason to keep doing it.

It is way more important for you to focus on your health. And like the rest of the internet, I too am thinking about your girlybits. (I MEAN WHAT NO)

My girlfriend's actually gone through something similar; turned out to be more of a severe hormone imbalance. Maaaaaaybe something to look into?

[joe-pwnz-pete.livejournal.com]

:(

I keep seeing everybody's comments and feel like I should have something more to say, but I really just don't want you to feel like you're obligated to post anything. Especially if you're not feeling good. So, I want you to know that there are scores of people who read Occupation: Girl and would keep reading even if you decided to stop posting Secret Life of Dolls.

:)

[darkfrog24.livejournal.com]

See a doctor. Good luck. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that it is something non-serious and fixable. Of the thousands of strangers who love your writing, I will try to be one of the ones with manners.

[t3andcrumpets.livejournal.com]

*giant hug* I'd give you some of my Darvocet, but I might get arrested for redistributing a controlled substance. I do have chronic pain (yay, fibromyalgia), but I don't sneer at the pain of others because I know what you're going through.

And people demanding what you can't/won't be able to produce need to sit down and STFU. Seriously, you're one person, and it's not like you can just sit down and shit out a few paragraphs. Grr.