An entry *without* the WTF icon

[cleolinda]

So my computer crashed in the middle of me footnoting "The Prestige in Fifteen Minutes" (and I had just spent like an hour discussing, uh, who I thought was in each scene--if you've seen the movie, you know what I mean) for the e-book project, which was a buzzkill. Meanwhile, my grandmother's sick (a sinus infection similar to mine, I think, only worse, since she's so frail), she's also worried about her money being with Merrill Lynch (yeah... I would too, right now), Shelby's having stomach problems, my stepfather is having a really, really hard time at work right now, my sister's having to do catering deliveries again and she inevitably ends up getting her car totaled by some nut loose on the street, we're going to have to have a plumber come out and look at the downstairs toilets, Tiny Tim needs a new crutch, and I'm just tired of it all, really. And feeling bad for everyone.

That said, I've already posted twice today and I was very productive (the computer crash aside), so I've got that going for me. Actually, I think I'm cycling back through a manic or hypomanic phase again. I've just noticed that the last couple of days I've felt really jittery--physically anxious, like I've had too much caffeine. It's weird, because I feel it in my stomach, but I also feel it in my arms and shoulders, of all places. I'm afraid it's mania, a step above my usual friendly hypomania, because I feel so "on" and focused that it's like I go beyond "on" and can't focus at all. I'm not running around visibly affected; I just feel like I'm about to step out onstage... all the time. It's that kind of nervousness. And yet I don't know why--my mother was trying to think of reasons I might feel anxious, like, "Maybe you're worried about the podcasts," and I was like, "But they've already come out and everyone liked them fine, why would I be nervous about them now?" So I guess it really is a chemical thing.

The weird thing is that I tried to think back to the last time I felt this "on," and it was probably... hmm, the weekend I wrote the Breaking Dawn recaps. That was at the end/beginning of a month as well. Just out of curiosity, what was I doing at the end of the next month?

Oh.

So now I'm a little concerned, because I don't know that I've ever actually noticed that obvious a pattern to the cycle before, and I used to have hypomanic episodes a lot more sporadically. After that big one a few months ago where I didn't want to eat for a week, I'm getting concerned that the cycle is changing, shortening, intensifying, whatever. I mean, it's not necessarily bad in and of itself if it helps me write more productively, and in a weird way, I feel like my writing here has gotten a lot better over the course of the summer. (That big episode? It was in May.) I'm not exactly sure why, but it's like something clicked into place and even the basic entries are just better than they used to be, I don't know.

That said, the jittery feeling is unpleasant enough, and just the simple fact that the cycle is changing, I don't like that. If it gets more severe, I could end up with episodes of full-blown mania and... that would be bad.

(This month's caption on the Anne Taintor Calendar of Destiny: "True, there were some side effects." AHHHHHHHHHHH.)

Oh, and apparently Let the Right One In is going to be playing at the Sidewalk Film Festival here in town on Saturday night (!!), although I don't know if I'll be able to go.

Speaking of which: Cloverfield's Matt Reeves Remaking 'Let the Right One In'; Countdown under way for 10th Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival in downtown Birmingham.

More linkspam!

In Egypt, a 3,000-year-old discovery.

Why sled dogs are super dogs ("New research suggests sled dogs are superior to most other mammals, including humans, in at least three key areas").

Blaine 'Disappears' After Stunt; 'David Blaine's Dive of Death' disappoints in ratings.

Does the Killers' 'Human' have the silliest lyrics of the week?; David Cook's 'Light On': Weigh in!

Could This Year Be The End Of Science Fiction On TV?

Rod Serling and New School Sociology Professor Talk UFOs.

Live from Fantastic Fest: Blooming Excess, Adult Sexuality, and Fantastic Debates.

Images: More Set Pics of 'Alice in Wonderland' (hey, the blonde chick in the blue skirt, is that actually Alice? HEY I THINK IT IS, THAT BLUE COAT IS KIND OF LIKE VIOLET'S IN LEMONY SNICKET THIS MEANS THAT COLLEEN ATWOOD IS COSTUMING THIS ONE TOO!! *incoherent squee*) (ETA: first link's members only, second link ought to work); First Stylish Poster for Bryan Singer's 'Valkyrie' (oh, wow, that really is pretty good); Exclusive: 'Synecdoche, New York' Poster Premiere.

Trailers and clips: Exclusive: Trailer for 'The Pleasure of Being Robbed'; Exclusive Clip: Watch Bill Murray’s Grand Speech From ‘City Of Ember’; Another One of Them Dubya Trailers and an Added Bonus; This Movie Will Make You Scared To Touch Unsanded Wood Ever Again.

First 'Quantum of Solace' Review Online; First Look: New 'Quantum of Solace' Photos!; On The Set Of 'Quantum of Solace'; 'Another Way To Die' Music Video To Air During Monday Night Football (Hey, Mom! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE BLOND!); Coca-Cola Zero Zero 7 Website Launched.

George Clooney rumored for the Lone Ranger. With Johnny Depp as Tonto. Uh huh.

Depp is Tonto in Lone Ranger and Word of 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4'; Keira Knightley Sounds Doubtful For ‘Pirates 4.’

'National Treasure 3' Also Confirmed from Disney Meeting.

Miriam Margolyes to Reprise Role as Prof Sprout for 'Deathly Hallows'; PotterCast 166: Terminus Part Two; Battling Voldemort 101; Daniel Radcliffe puts the spurs to his role in 'Equus.'

Spike Lee manages to pull off a 'Miracle' with WWII film; 'Miracle at St. Anna' could use some divine intervention.

In-your-face 'Eagle Eye' scopes out familiar terrain; Fantastic Fest Interview: 'Eagle Eye' Director D.J. Caruso; View Before Viewing: ‘Eagle Eye’; Shia LaBeouf: ‘I Live In A Fishbowl’; Shia LaBeouf won’t be charged in car crash.

'Choke' tries to throttle viewers with its outrageousness; 'Choke' Star Sam Rockwell On Sex Addiction, Going Full-Retard and How to Follow 'Fight Club' (classy, there).

Viggo Mortensen and his shotgun.

Fifty inches long and weighing 11 pounds, the eight-gauge initially was a turnoff for Mortensen when shooting began on "Appaloosa."

"When I first had it, I said, 'Do you really need it to be an eight-gauge, Ed?' "

... [Then] Mortensen started lobbying for a bigger role for the gun, which sent dogs and horses running the first time he shot it outdoors and which rattled the windows and floorboards when he test-fired inside a saloon. "I said, 'Ed, you know, I think I should even have it indoors. Even if I'm being friendly or if I were buying some fruit or getting a haircut, I always have it with me,' " Mortensen said.

I would ask what he's trying to compensate for here, except that I'm pretty sure that Viggo Mortensen's manhood is not the least bit in question. Also: Viggo and Cronenberg teaming up again?

Fan Made: The Dark Bailout; Closeups of the Harvey Dent makeup from Cinefex.

Guillermo Del Toro Set To Pen Vampire Novels.

Edward Norton Denies Involvement In ‘Fight Club’ Musical. Every movie ever made is going to be a musical someday, you guys. Every single one.

Steven Spielberg Options 'Chocky' -- Kind Of.

Anne Hathaway is in 'The Opposite of Love'; Anne Hathaway Doubtful She and Meryl Streep Will Ever Slip Back Into ‘Prada.’

'I Am Legend' Prequel Moving Forward; Making a Case Against an 'I Am Legend' Prequel.

Why Rachel Weisz Didn't Do 'The Mummy 3'? "In fact, I never even read the script, because it was going to be, I think, five months in China, and it was just out of the question that I could do it straight after The Brothers Bloom," because of her young son. Because Rachel Weisz is classy, she did not add, "And I really dodged a bullet there, huh?"

Comments

[cosmicwaffles.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't know you were bipolar! The doctors have diagnosed with Bipolar type II, but I've been diagnosed with so much stuff (for a seventeen year old girl!) it's kind of ridiculous. I honestly don't know what I have.

[elisa0984.livejournal.com]

I'm getting the You Are Not Authorized to View This Post for the Alice link, which sucks because I'm dying for a Colleen Atwood Alice.

[jasminelily.livejournal.com]

This might be an obvious question, but do you see any link with your menstrual cycle?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we think I'm Bipolar II as well at this point. I've written about it several times--turns out there are a lot of people around here on LJ going through similar stuff. : )

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, that's right, they friends-locked it. Join ONTD, it shouldn't be any problem, and it's not like anyone will notice.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have--I didn't want to bring it up specifically, but I've noticed kind of a monthly "Hey, I feel productive" thing as separate from a "Wow, I feel jittery and weird" thing. It's just that right now, they're coinciding.

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

This.

I am so watching A Series Of Unfortunate Events again tonight. Violet is my jailbait girlcrush (shut up we all have one SHUT UP STOP STARING AT ME AUGH GOD STOP IT) and BILLY FUCKING CONNOLLY IS IN IT, so, yes.

Preeeetty costumes. So pretty. So pretty.

[alliancesjr.livejournal.com]

My older sister is bipolar, and has been on various medication for a while. My younger sister is starting to show the same traits, and we're hoping we're able to catch it in time before she goes and does the whole "okay, not going to school at all and whoopee, now I'm hospitalized for three months before I finally take my medication and can function normally again" thing that my older sister did.

Because that was pretty bad.

What was the point of this? I'm not sure. It all ends in well wishes and a huge terrified shudder in regards to National Treasure 3, but then again just about anything relating to Nicholas Cage results in me having a huge terrified shudder.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah--try joining ONTD, the girl f-locked it. Because ONTD has literally 50,000 members and I'm sure none of THEM are going to steal her pics.

[misachan.livejournal.com]

They would have to work real hard to make me want to see a Pirates movie that doesn't have Elizabeth in it.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks--I've been really lucky--I've had some really, really down periods, but my friends and family have always been completely supportive, and I haven't had episodes half as bad as a lot of people have. Part of the reason I write about it fairly frequently, and in very matter of fact terms, is because it seems to make people feel less alone with their own mental health issues, or maybe help them recognize if they have any. Anecdotal evidence from commenters makes me think that it's much more common than people realize--if not bipolar whatever in particular, mental health issues in general.

[cosmicwaffles.livejournal.com]

There are! I've always thought the most creative people were the most crazy. :)

Let's see....I've been professionally diagnosed with the following in the last ten years (7-17 years old): ADD, Aspergers, ODD, OCD, PDD-NOS, Bipolar II, GAD, SAD, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and Social Phobia.

The only ones that are for sure are Aspergers, Panic Disorder, SAD, and PTSD. The OCD is likely, mostly because it's comorbid with the others. And then there's the on and off depression.

*cough* Well, anyways. I enjoy your posts a lot. I know everyone must say this. You have such a large following!

This is kind of a personal question, but what do you do what you have anxiety? I'm having problems with it. I am sorry if I am being too nosy.

[alliancesjr.livejournal.com]

It probably also helps a great deal that you have such an outlet for it, and the support that you get. My older sister just trudged through it and kept piling more and more work on herself. Which is exactly what my younger sister is trying to do, too; we're very specifically telling her "Look, you're in like seventeen AP classes and taking thirty electives and are in four sports PLUS cheerleading AND you're first-chair clarinet. Do you really have TIME to try out for the musical?"

[cosmicwaffles.livejournal.com]

That happens to me, too. I take a birth control pill for it. (whee!) It works. Just saying. I know everyone is different.

[sassachusetts.livejournal.com]

Let the Right One In is supposed to be amazing, but so was the novel, and, uh, no.

[saramiskismet.livejournal.com]

If Rachel Weisz was in Mummy 3, I would have gone to see it.

David Blaine: taking hourly toilet, medical and tea breaks.

he was "not going to pee all over" himself.

Trust me, Blaine, no one wanted your pee falling on them from the sky either... but HOURLY? Dude. Seriously. If you weren't drinking your fuckin tea every hour you wouldn't have to take a piss.

[inkytwist.livejournal.com]

The pictures are dead, though. :C

[gannet-guts.livejournal.com]

Awww boo, the pictures aren't at ONTD anymore.

[elisa0984.livejournal.com]

Fnarr.

[megathy27.livejournal.com]

links that merit the return of the WTF icon (and i know you have news feeds, so ignore this if you've seen them already):

FEMA says ice was no longer needed on Gulf Coast (http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6020502.html)

Army Combat Brigade to take on first-of-its-kind homeland security detail (http://minnesotaindependent.com/10466/army-combat-brigade-to-take-on-first-of-its-kind-homeland-security-detail)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

No, no problem. Uh... well, mostly I procrastinate. Like whoa. Which doesn't really help my anxiety, and usually makes it worse. Or sleep a lot. I had this whole thing I wrote about trying to not feel guilty anymore (http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/639550.html#cutid1) to help me deal with that, though. I focused on guilt because I realized that that was my default reaction to almost everything; some other feeling might be more common with you. I'm just basically trying to take things slowly, do things that help my confidence, and be more forgiving of myself. But with me, anxiety tends to be about psyching myself out, so the way I try to deal with it is very psychological; other folks might find yoga or breathing exercises or meditation to be more helpful.

[kvschwartz.livejournal.com]

I'm on Depakote. Have you ever been on that? I can't really say how well it's working for me -- I've been on a really low dose because I have this tendency to have really bad reactions to medications.

It's been months since I was writing or doing anything productive. Two years ago I was working on a novel. Now I can't even finish lj updates.

[crumpeteer.livejournal.com]

They fail to mention that Supernatural's ratings are actually up. Perhaps it's more a case of writing than it is material? Just throwing that one out there. Sure, Heroes first season was awesome, but last season admittedly sucked. Smallville is seven years old. Fringe is sort of a weird, hard sell and Knight Rider? Really? Life on Mars and 11th Hour have had problems from day one. It seems to me more an internal problem on most of them than a lack of interest by viewers in a genre.

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

The end of science fiction on TV? I think not.

It may also be true that viewers have decided that they're tired of epic science fiction on a small-screen budget.

As a BSG fan, I can honestly say that I am not tired of epic science fiction (also, kind of offended he didn't mention that show).

I am, however, fed up with JJ Abrams. He is not the be-all and end-all of sci fi on TV. I watched (almost) every episode of Alias, even after it became ridiculous, because I had to know about Milo Rambaldi and that big red ball of water. I watched to the end, and I cannot remember what the explanation was, or if there even was one. I seem to remember Russian zombies?

I watched the first 2 seasons of Lost and somewhere in the middle of the third season, I gave up, because I swear that man likes nothing more than to play with his audience for no compelling reason. WHY IS THERE A POLAR BEAR ON A TROPICAL ISLAND, JJ? HUNH? AND WHAT IS UP WITH THE SMOKE MONSTER? Stop trying to distract me with Others and Tailies and whatever else I don't even know anymore because I stopped watching.

That's why I'm not watching Fringe. I do not have the patience for JJ and his mindfuckery anymore.


Hang in there.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, for real. I was a double major writing papers in three languages when I crashed my senior year in college. And of course, when an overachiever crashes--that is, falters or fails at something--they feel even worse about it. I had to tear down a lot of what I believed about myself and expected of myself before I could function at all again, even if that functioning was not at the level I would have aspired to.