Random thinkiness

[cleolinda]

You know, I've figured out something kind of funny about hypomania. To catch you up, particularly since the Twilight entries have brought in a lot of new people--psychiatric diagnoses are never really set in stone; a doctor might come up with something that sounds more accurate years into your treatment. I have cyclical, chemical depression; it's gotten bad at times, but it's really pretty mild compared to what a lot of people have to live through. I'm on mild doses of antidepressants--which I tend to talk about pretty openly, number one, because I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, and number two, because I think it helps other people to go, "Oh, okay, someone else is going through the same thing, and here's what her symptoms and reactions were like."

Anyway: I was diagnosed when I was 19, after a Janterm bout of depression where I was completely happy and content, and then I'd start crying and wouldn't even know what I was crying about. After we experimented with various initial dosages of Zoloft and Adderall (the latter of which, despite the fact that I took it for a few years, really turned out to not be for me at all), my psychiatrist decided I didn't have a manic component, so I probably wasn't manic-depressive (bipolar). After we decided the Adderall wasn't good (it made my scalp crawl, a side effect that never went away, and I always felt like I was "on drugs," so to speak), we paired Wellbutrin with the Zoloft, and then a year or so ago, we reduced both and added Lamictal, an anti-seizure medication now being used as an antidepressant, into the mix. Initially we went higher with the Zoloft, and that resulted in some of the worst depression I've ever had in my life--the idea, and it was mine, was that we'd try more Zoloft before introducting Lamictal at all, because I was a little scared of the potential side effects ("a fatal rash, but it doesn't happen a lot"). So then I said, okay, my idea didn't work, let's try the Lamictal. And it worked fine for a while, because we increased the dose very, very slowly. But there was a point where we went too high a little too soon, and once again: crushing depression. Once we backed up and took it slow again for a (long) while, I got settled in, and I have honestly been very content with my Zoloft-Wellbutrin-Lamictal cocktail ever since. What it basically does is fill in the giant potholes in the road, so that I can have the same natural ups and downs as everyone else, rather than hitting a stretch of bad road and completely spinning out for months at a time; they normalize chemicals that I'm not able to balance myself. We've made mistakes, but I consider my relationship with my psychiatrist to be ideal, because she's always listened to what I wanted, how I felt, and what I was afraid of; she's always respected my reservations, rather than try to push me to this drug or that dosage.

ANYWAY! Good Lord. That was basically for the benefit of new people and longer-term readers who felt like my psychiatric history wasn't one of the things they needed to carry around in their heads. My point, which I thought I would get to a lot sooner, was that I eventually began to suspect that I might actually be bipolar II--rather than have potentially dangerous manic episodes, I have hypomanic periods of creative energy that left me feeling wired during but pleasantly exhausted afterwards. When I voiced my suspicion here a couple of years ago, one of my longterm commenters, emerybored, actually said something along the lines of, "I'd kind of suspected you might--some of your entries now and then sounded like hypomanic episodes." Sure enough, I relayed all this to my doctor, and she thought that there could very well be something to it. It didn't really affect my medication, which felt stable, but I've learned to try and make hay when the sun shines and I can feel an episode coming on.

What I realized today is that a hypomanic episode feels like being in love.

It's really weird--I feel gleeful, energized, a little obsessive. But it's not directed at anything or anyone; I'm not in love with anyone. But I remember very clearly, I had an episode like this last August--a really nice, prolonged one--and I even thought to myself back then, "I feel like I'm in love." I actually kind of go around with a secret smile--it's like I have some giddy secret that no one else knows. And I don't know it either. I think the episodes work best when I find something to focus that light on, something to harmlessly obsess over for a short period: a song, a book, a movie, an activity, a research subject, a writing project. I'm probably lucky in that I've never actually confused this with being in love with a person; usually any feelings I've had in that direction have been sustained over a period of years, whether I confessed it or not. (Oh, come on. Like you didn't have epic crushes in high school.) The problem this time is that I almost feel a little bit panicky, like I can't quite find something to attach this obsessive feeling to, even if it's something I choose consciously. It's like--the near-hysterical frustration of being parted from something/someone you're seriously obsessed with, except that I don't know what it is. And don't tell me to make it be Twilight, because I don't think Robert Sparkleson needs me falling in stalk with him right now. Of course, by the time I think of some way to harness the hypomania, it'll probably be over.

Just a teensy bit of linkspam:

James Frey Can't Fool Everyone [Lying Hacks]: "Bright Shiny Morning is an execrable novel, a literary train wreck without even the good grace to be entertaining."

Prince Caspian underperforming? Also, I don't know if you got this at your theater, but I saw it in front of Caspian and it made me die a little inside. And by "a little" I mean "a lot."

Just in Time For 'Indy 4,' Archaeologists Fight it Out Over Harrison Ford.

'Wuthering Heights' gets Sienna Miller? No! NOOOOOO! "Wuthering Heights bosses were furious after Portman pulled out of the role, particularly since they said she had actively pursued getting the role." WELL DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON US!

Comments

[crumpeteer.livejournal.com]

I went to use the bathroom during some of the previews and walked back in during that particular preview and leaned over to my friend and asked "what fresh hell did I walk in on?" She said, "I don't know, but it's got Chihuahuas".

And honestly I think MOST movies are going to under perform this year as with prices for EVERYTHING being so high I don't think people have a whole lot of money to be throwing around. I haven't been going to movies except ones I really want to see. Add to that that this Narnia film hasn't been as heavily advertised for the kiddies as the first one, I sort of expected it to be a respectable blockbuster, but nothing record breaking.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, and it often seems like second movies in series either really underperform or really overperform, rather than there being a gradual progression. I mean, POTC2 made insane amounts of money compared to the other two, whereas other second movies will often be low spots financially in a trilogy (I can't remember how Two Towers performed exactly). I wouldn't be surprised if things really picked up with Dawn Treader, especially since it's a much lighter, more cheerful adventure story.

[phantomess05.livejournal.com]

Sienna Miller as Cathy?? Ummm...NO.

[corkdorkdan.livejournal.com]

OMG that chihuahua thing was disturbing. I saw it in front of Prince Caspian today. What scares me even more is when I hear people (adults!) around me say things like, "oh that looks cute. The kids will like it."

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I confess, I actually laughed at that. There was horror in the laughter, and a sense of impending doom. Yet still, I laughed.

[stokerbramwell.livejournal.com]

Saw...what in front of Caspian? o.O

[krazycat.livejournal.com]

It's really weird--I feel gleeful, energized, a little obsessive. But it's not directed at anything or anyone; I'm not in love with anyone.

Damn. I get that all the time. I mean, I am madly in love with my Taller Half and have been for almost two years, but often I just get these days where I am feeling just like that. Right now it's Sweeney Todd I'm obsessed with.

I read your other entry and got a lot to think about. I'm on a waiting list for therapy and medicated at the moment.

[chocolat-violet.livejournal.com]

My friends and I were writhing in pain after that -- that thing attempting to be a movie trailer. Thank goodness for The Dark Knight, it eased the pain. The hotness that is Christan Bale was a great aid too until sleepyhead!Caspian made it all better.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Once again, I did not get the TDK trailer. And last time, I got The Love Guru instead. This time? Chihuahuas. I swear, someone hates me.

[akathorne.livejournal.com]

Your description of your hypomanic states sounds so much like my life that I'm a little freaked out now. I go through cheerful spells and moody spells, and neither are usually too high or two low, so I don't sweat it too much. But there are a couple times a year when I totally feel completely, deliciously happy and engaged and filled up with good things...for no reason at all. Hmm.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly! It sounds like the kind of thing you'd want to keep an eye on, as it can spiral into really severe swings and possibly actual mania, but as long as you're aware of it, it's probably not something that needs medication or therapy right this red hot second. Like, enjoy it, but be sure to watch out for anything unpleasant or unhealthy. Which is what I have to do.

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

"It's really weird--I feel gleeful, energized, a little obsessive. But it's not directed at anything or anyone; I'm not in love with anyone. But I remember very clearly, I had an episode like this last August--a really nice, prolonged one--and I even thought to myself back then, "I feel like I'm in love." I actually kind of go around with a secret smile--it's like I have some giddy secret that no one else knows. And I don't know it either. I think the episodes work best when I find something to focus that light on, something to harmlessly obsess over for a short period: a song, a book, a movie, an activity, a research subject, a writing project"

That's so familiar to me, it's uncanny.

I SO need to get back on meds to get rid of the potholes. I miss my doctor from Austin, though :(

[apples-juice.livejournal.com]

Also, I don't know if you got this at your theater, but I saw it in front of Caspian and it made me die a little inside. And by "a little" I mean "a lot."

Hey! I thought that trailer was cute!

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

That chihuahua movie ...

I have nothing more to say. What were they thinking? If Disney can't afford a full-time person to deal with their skeevy racial issues, maybe they could pay me to do it, because WHAT WHERE THEY THINKING?

[goldelfwitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you! When I saw that bullshit I was like "as if latinos don't already have enough stereotypes, we gotta bring back that fucking chihuahua?!"

[queenthesixth.livejournal.com]

Personally I've always thought 'good for you!' whenever you're discussing your meds and what they do or don't do for you. My grandmother always said don't hide illness, it does no good in the long run. And if people don't know, they can't help you when they need it. If someone asks me about having crohns or having a stoma and ostomy bag, I just tell them. Like you said, I'm not ashamed of it and it might help someone else.

Prince Caspian doesn't open here for another month. A month! I have to be avoiding spoilers like the plague now. Good with the waiting I am not.

Moonlight got cancelled. Maybe you could harness the extra energy to the Bring Moonlight Back campaign. Or are you all vampired out after Twilight? ;-)

[rorqual.livejournal.com]

(Oh, come on. Like you didn't have epic crushes in high school.)

So, wait....was I supposed to stop after high school? Oops.

I completely get what you're saying about that feeling, though I don't get it in a long-term way where I desire to focus on something. But I think of it as feeling joyful, if that makes sense - like I'm ridiculously happy for absolutely no reason, to the point of the smiling and giggling and generally looking like a dork. Knowing that I am capable of feeling that, though it's not all the time or even frequently, pleases me (in a quieter way). Everyone should get to feel that way from time to time, and it makes me sad that there are people who probably never do.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

That trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua is pretty much the most horrific thing I've seen in a long time. And I'm never getting that minute of my life back. GYAH.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Dude, imagine seeing it on a forty-foot screen with no way to close the application.

[viorica8957.livejournal.com]

I never thought Natalie Portman was right for Cathy, but . . . Sienna Miller? I don't know that much about her besides how badly Factory Girl got panned; is she really that bad? I'm still rooting for Emily Blunt.

I missed that trailer, though a paticularily sadistic poster linked it on a forum I visit. I watched approximately five seconds with the sound turned off, then backed away in horror.

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

You should make it Twilight. ;-)

I actually think Sienna would make a good Cathy! She'll need something to pull her career back up after G.I. Joe, just saying.

[amaelamin.livejournal.com]

I think the chihuahua trailer may actually have left a stronger impression on me than the feature film (perhaps not entirely Prince Caspian's fault, as I was never terribly thrilled about the novel either, especially in comparison to Dawn Treader.) In fact, I came home and called my friend just to complain about it: "And did you know they're releasing a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua? From... the point of view of a chihuahua. There are also chihuahua dance numbers. In headdresses. On Aztec ruins. My theatre laughed at this."

He found the trailer online. I apologized; it seemed only fair.

[sapphires13.livejournal.com]

Everyone I've ever talked to that has ever been on Zoloft has said that it didn't work for them.

I was on it off and on through my teen years, and I hated it. I'd start taking it, and everything might get a little better for a little while, and then it would just get worse. I felt miserable and numb, to the point where I couldn't even smile or laugh. Rather than trying a different medication, my doctor would just raise the dosage. At one point my dosage doubled, going from 75mg to 150mg. And it didn't help. And I was a juvenile so I didn't have much control over my own treatment.

I'm currently on a low dosage of Cymbalta, which is working fine for me. My problem was always more anxiety (especially social) than depression, although my inability to handle interpersonal relationships often led into depression. The Cymbalta calms me down enough to let me function somewhat normally and enjoy life, which is all I ask. I'm only on 30mg. The 60mg dosage was initially tried (its the most commonly prescribed amount) but I found that it hyped me up a little too much, making me antsy and unable to focus. The fact that I could not write when I was on the higher dosage was the big dealbreaker for me.

[ilanka.livejournal.com]

>>>Also, I don't know if you got this at your theater, but I saw it in front of Caspian and it made me die a little inside. And by "a little" I mean "a lot." <<<

*laughs so hard, because that's how she and her husband felt when they saw the cut-outs, too*

I don't know if you know this, but I love you =) You make my day brighter, consistently. It's also wonderful to read about your psychiatric-related issues/ideas/etc, because they're similar to mine and make me feel less alone. I'll be reading and go "Yeah....Oh YEAH, I know exactly what you mean!"

[vega-ofthe-lyre.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaand, stories like yours are why the Scientologists send me into a rage. Guys: just shut up.

Really, though, kudos to you for being so open about your story. Coming from a family with a history of bipolarism (which is hardly ever talked about, I mean, I'm seventeen years old and just found out this winter that about half my mother's family is on medication for it), and knowing now about all the stigma they've gone through (very small community) because of it... good on you.

(And the Chihuahua trailer monstrosity made my brain melt a little.)

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

Firstly, thanks for sharing - I find it both amazing and pretty awesome that you're so comfortable talking about this, and I really do feel as though I learn a bit from posts like these. So thanks!

(Oh, come on. Like you didn't have epic crushes in high school.)

For some reason, this made me laugh out loud. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm in love at the moment, nothing at all.

Also, your hypomanic episodes sound a lot like something that happens to me every now and then, which I've never been able to explain. So yes, thanks once again for sharing! Most helpful. ^.^

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

If I were going to vote for something for you to expend a hypomanic episode on, I'd go for Black Ribbon. I'm seriously looking forward to it. Also, it will be something like an Altoid after Twilight.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I gotta finish these annotations first. The only problem is that, of course, because I need to, I don't want to.

[batmaz.livejournal.com]

Hey... I only friended you today *waves* I'm all the way over in Wales, UK and you drew me in with your Prisoner of Azkaban in 15 minutes... quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. But I'm not posting just to suck up to you ^_^

I only found out last year that my biological father is bipolar (he had a pretty severe manic/mixed episode). I used to get depressed spells but I always put that down to being an overdramatic adolescent. But over the last couple of weeks I've been feeling really giddily happy, not needing much sleep, can't stop fidgeting, can't stop thinking, speaking really quickly, and I'm starting to believe I'm having a hypomanic episode. I don't like to self-diagnose, but I might have a touch of cyclothymia. And it just seems such a happy coincidence that you've posted about it... hehe. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

However, a film about chihuahuas is something to be very, very ashamed of. *lights a candle for the movie industry*

[rhodynne.livejournal.com]

What I realized today is that a hypomanic episode feels like being in love.
Um...HOLY SHIT!
I do that all the time! And get fussy and depressed when I go to long without that feeling. Shit, I always figured it was the addict personality coming out, getting completely obssessed about something or one and then having it just fade away.
*tiny mind=blown*
I'm on Nardil, an MAOI, and it basically sucks. I have huge medicine allergies, even with the stuff that supposed to be ok. But I was on 8 different meds before they tried this and since no one is making a better MAOI, I'm stuck.
:-/

[ponygirl118.livejournal.com]

I saw that... dog thing as wel.

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, I don't think I'm hypomanic, because I don't really have depressive episodes (I mean, yes, I get depressed on occasion, but it's not clinical) - but I have that same kind of high/short term obsession thing fairly often, lasting anywhere from a few days to a few weeks (the most recent object of my obsession being the Deadpool comics). I wonder if there's a name for that when it doesn't include depressive times too.