The unbearable sadness of being

[cleolinda]

I'm not sure what day we're on, Lamictal-wise, but I thought we'd stabilized the dosage after that last fiasco with the 100 mg level, but... no. Maybe it's that the dust has settled and my Wellbutrin needs to be upped a little for balance, since it was cut in half to make room for the Lamictal. I don't know what it is, but... this has been my third really, really bad bout of depression this year. I mean, it's been a bad year in general as far as that goes, but in terms of hitting severely low points... yeah, third time. And each of the previous two times, I decided it was due to a medication issue (too much Zoloft; too much Lamictal) that cleared up pretty quickly once that problem was corrected.

I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it's just that I really do need to readjust my medication, now that I've had time to recover from that last period of over-dosage (not to be confused with an overdose). Maybe it's hormones, because my cycle is notoriously wacky. (I don't want to get into it here, but yes, I should be seeing another doctor about that, again, soon.) I'm still really depressed about Lucky, although I can stand outside myself and realize how ridiculous that is; I can't go on like this for the rest of my life. He was a dog; it happens. And I'm already getting depressed about how much I expect my birthday to suck, which I think shows that I'm just looking for specific subjects to vent the depression I'm already experiencing on. I mean, my birthday is in December; I'm going a pretty long way to borrow trouble. I'm also not dealing well with simple comments or observations--why haven't you finished this, why didn't you write that, I wish you'd written it differently--I guess I just feel sometimes like all I do is disappoint people, online and off, by not being smart enough or disciplined enough or independent enough or creative enough, and I know intellectually that that's not true. I know--intellectually--that I'm lucky to have people interested in what I write at all. But depression isn't rational; you can't reason it away. It's like all my thoughts have sharp edges, and when I'm left alone with them, I get hurt. And right now, I think that they've started to hone themselves on the theme of All You Do Is Disappoint People, Including Yourself, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears most of the time.

Why yes, I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, thanks for backing away slowly asking.

I'm not even going to try to catch up on the Lost recaps by Wednesday. You (and by "you" I mean "I") can re-watch all the episodes at abc.com/lost, so I'm going to see my doctor, figure out if there's anything we can do with my meds, and then maybe recap the second half of the mini-season as a set. I don't know. I just kind of have to work on functioning right now.

Comments

[supersyncspaz7.livejournal.com]

Just get better. Don't worry about us, and get better, okay?

[dzurlady.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know it's not rational, but perhaps it will help anyway for me to say I always enjoy your posts and your parodies, and I've never thought that you should have changed anything.

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. Do what you need to; we'll still be around. :-)

[heartthepretty.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the Internets. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, I can't imagine suffering such depression. I hope you're able to get the meds straightened out very soon and start feeling better.

If it's any consolation at all, please know there are people out here who wish they could tell stories as half as well and entertaining as you do, myself included. :)

[kateshort.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Functioning is a good thing. Just remember to eat. :)

[the-lone-jen.livejournal.com]

I don't know that anything I can say will help except A) I love reading anything you write. You have a talent that no one can take away from you, and you share it with us in the most unselfish of ways. B) You are unflinchingly honest with all this, and it reminds/helps me whenever I get down on myself. Granted, it is nowhere near as bad as it sounds for you, but you still open yourself up and are vulnerable, which has me in awe. C) I love you as a friend and fellow writer, and wish for the best for you.

[plazmah.livejournal.com]

*massive hugs* You just take all the time you need to get through this.

[akathorne.livejournal.com]

Awww, sweetie. *hugs* It's hard to remember now, but you will feel better. And we'll be here when you do. And I'll be here even when you don't feel better, if you want to talk, since I've been there myself.

[rachnye.livejournal.com]

You have yet to disappoint me!

[hulamoth.livejournal.com]

You're going to get through this. I'm sorry you feel this way right now.

[sound-of-bells.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. :( Luckily I haven't had to deal with this myself, but I know some people, so I can empathize somewhat. And seriously, don't worry about the recaps. I mean, I love to read them, but they are not more important than your state of mind and well-being. Plus, after this week, you've got a looooooot of time to catch up. :)

[bibsy.livejournal.com]

You just have to try to remember that you're one person, Cleo; I know that really doesn't help much, but just remember it. You can get through this!

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Actually, I wound up getting put on hormones as part of my depression treatment, and it helped. Turns out it's not that unusual.

[jaded-skys.livejournal.com]

I hope you're feeling better soon and that all the meds get sorted out. ♥

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Serious *hugs*. Somehow or other this will be got through, I'm pretty confident.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

gah! I'm so glad that my meds are fairly simple - one med, too low and I wake up with panic attacks an hour after falling asleep, too high and I sleep 16 hours a day.

You do what you need to do. We'll kick anyone who complains!

[georgie21.livejournal.com]

I have this mental image of someone being all OMG NO LOST RECAPS?? and then Cleo's part of the interwebs would come up and attack them all like, "BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!!"

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

I remember this year thinking my birthday was going to be miserable. I was so down, and then with all the stress, being sent to the ER... well, up until I put on that blue satin gown and went to the Eastman Theatre, I thought it would suck.

It didn't. My daddy had front-and-center tickets for us (Mummy would've gone too, but she had to work) and when we came home, there were presents to open and candles to blow out.

You have a wonderful family, Cleo. I know this through your words. They'll make sure you have a lovely birthday and a lovely everything else.

Much love, and best of luck getting dosages straightened out.

[sunihiroku.livejournal.com]

Been there, felt that. You're awesome, and those bad feelings are not based on any form of rationality. It helps to talk to people because I was always surprised with how many people understood what I was going through and sympathized. I wasn't seeking sympathy, but I was glad I wasn't looked upon with scorn or revulsion.

[bakednudel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* So sorry you have to go through this. I really admire your openness about it. We'll still be here when you come out the other side.

No worries about the recaps or anything else! Just concentrate on yourself.

[celli]

*hugs*

[kauricat.livejournal.com]

Between dealing with recurrent depression and PCOS, I can totally empathize with wonky hormones and damaging thoughts. The worst part for me was knowing something was wrong, but feeling helpless to fix it.

Happily, my doc found the right meds and leveled the playing field for me. Things got a lot easier when I wasn't wading uphill through jell-o all the time.

I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well.

[demonqueen666.livejournal.com]

It's like all my thoughts have sharp edges, and when I'm left alone with them, I get hurt.

Yikes. I know what that feels like.
Well, I'm sure the masses are already lining up to tell you this as we speak, but for the record I for one have always viewed you as an amazingly talented and eloquent individual, and I have always greatly enjoyed what of your work we have been blessed enough to have you share with us. You have a real gift with words and it shows, even in your "mundane" everyday posts.

Hope you are feeling like a better version of you soon. In the meantime, hopefully you wil not feel too awkward if I offer you *HUUUGS* from a complete stranger?

[qualinesti.livejournal.com]

Its sad that you feel like you have to come on here and explain yourself and why you're not going to bother with the Lost recaps. Its unreasonable for anyone to expect you to do those all the time, or to get mad when you havent cranked them out ASAP. Or any of your other writings for that matter.

Take care of yourself. <3

[hawleygriffen.livejournal.com]

Seconded most definitely. By posting your writing, your Lost recaps, etc., you're doing people a favour, and if you don't feel up to Lost recaps or whatever, that's not about being disappointing, that's about concentrating your resources on something far more important, your mental health. Anyone who still moans about not getting something after this frankly has a screwed up sense of priorities.

However, I understand how depression messes with your perspective of yourself and wish you the best.

[lafemmezilla.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're in one of these modes. I've been there, done that too—I know how frightening it can be especially when hormone issues are heaped on top of the serotonin stuff.

Good luck tomorrow, I hope your appointment does some good.

Recaps

[amberkb.livejournal.com]

We all love you, CleoLinda!

We all love the fact that you're doing the Lost recaps, but honestly, we'd much rather see you feeling well. (If that's how one could put it)

I love reading the recaps, and I love sharing them with my friends, but I'd much rather you feel back to some semblance of normal.