WE WERE WARNED

[cleolinda]

Oh my sweet God, no movie as stupid as 2012 has any right to be TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES. I drank HALF a smuggled 12 oz bottle of Coke (Tiny Coke, if you will), and nearly DIED. My bladder is BRUISED.

My mom's the disaster movie junkie--she hasn't seen a movie in the theater in six months (I think she last one she saw was Up), so I went for her sake. Man, I hate disaster movies. I worry about this stuff enough, you know? I'm not really into watching implausibly connected characters run and weep and do noble shit and die horribly for two hours (AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES). I'm okay with watching shit blow up; I just don't want to watch the cast meeble on about it. And let me tell you, internets, shit does not start blowing up until FIFTY-SEVEN (57) minutes into the movie. If you think I give a shit about John Cusack's ex-marital problems, you are WRONG, Roland Emmerich. And even the next hour and a half has way too much wibbling about humanity. BLOW SHIT UP. BLOW IT UP NOWWWWWWWWWW. Seriously: go buy a ticket to this thing, walk in fifty-seven minutes late, watch John Cusack and family outrun an earthquake in a limo (because this part is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, at the very least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving either an earthquake or a limo), and then after they get to Vegas, LEAVE. If you've seen Deep Impact and The Poseidon Adventure, you've pretty much seen everything else. In fact, you can probably just watch Dodge the Freeway in the trailer; I didn't watch it, but my mother says pretty much all the awesome stuff is in there, and the rest of the movie is just a game of Guess Who's Gonna Die (a winner is me!). I was also able to call not one but TWO ridiculous romances, because it was that kind of movie. Honestly, earthquake in a limo and Thandie Newton's French: best things in the movie. Everything else I laughed at until I was seized with urinary tract regret for the entire last hour.

(OMFG THE WOLFMAN TRAILER WAS SO AWESOME IT IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE. I was seriously just sitting there all a-squee, clapping my fists [so it would be quiet!] chanting "WOLFMAN WOLFMAN WOLFMAN!!!!!!" and my mother was like, You are so weird.)

I also grabbed a few sheets of printer paper to fold up and stuff in my purse--turns out that you can just squeak by on six pages and the back of the first page if you take notes sparingly.

(THIS IS THE THING OF WHICH WE DO NOT SPEAK. WE DO NOT JINX IT. IT MAY STILL NOT HAPPEN.)



(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)

Comments

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

(OMFG THE WOLFMAN TRAILER WAS SO AWESOME IT IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE. I was seriously just sitting there all a-squee, clapping my fists [so it would be quiet!] chanting "WOLFMAN WOLFMAN WOLFMAN!!!!!!" and my mother was like, You are so weird.)

I SAW IT THE OTHER DAY AND I TWEETED ABOUT IT TO YOU AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT IT IS GOING TO BE VAN HELSING 2 I FEEL IT IN MY FUR AND IT EVEN HAS JACKMAN OMFG.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I didn't get to watch it then! This computer sucks. : (

[litlover12.livejournal.com]

"IT MAY STILL NOT HAPPEN."

I'm clapping my fists and chanting "Oh please oh please oh please oh PLEASE let it happen. . . ."

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

"I do believe in earthquakes! I do! I do!"

[meroceres.livejournal.com]

I lol'd at your review because Mark Kermode said exactly the same things in his movie review (http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/kermode) and now I'm completely convinced that I'm not gonna see 2012.

[count-01.livejournal.com]

I am one of those possibly dicks who believes wholeheartedly that it is all right to jump up on his feet and testify when a movie trailer is frickin' amazing.

I also believe that that sort of behavior would be unforgivable during the actual movie. Even if, like Troy, the trailer was way better than the movie itself.

[hamnoo.livejournal.com]

I'd support you whole-heartedly if you did that with me in the room. Even if I didn't agree.

[la-petite-singe.livejournal.com]

Ugh, you had the Wolfman trailer?! I had Grown-Ups and Did You Hear About the Morgans and some other horrible things. :P Jealous. But yeah, seriously, way too long. Hilarious, but long. I didn't know Thandie spoke French that well, though, and that made me like her a little more. She spoke better than that Louvre guy, frankly. Honestly, it just felt like they put a bunch of stock characters into a hat and drew out a bunch and then was like "Russian mobster with a hooker girlfriend! Divorced-but-still-caring-parents! ...Wait, we did that in The Day After Tomorrow. THAT'S OK! DO IT AGAIN! Blustery politician guy! BRING IT ON!" Such a win. Poor Chewie, trying to turn in a legit performance. :\ I do love him.

[malady579.livejournal.com]

I cannot drink any kind of coke during a movie. If I do, I will never make it through it. Ever.

[hamnoo.livejournal.com]

Ok, so maybe I will have to go see 2012?
Because you know, you know because . Heh.

[zoethe.livejournal.com]

The last 45 minutes seriously taxed my ability to stay in the movie. Who designed those doors? One malfunction and we all die? Are you serious?

Ferrett wants to take physicists to it so he can watch their heads 'splode.

More 'splodey, less wibble FTW.

[iwanttobeasleep.livejournal.com]

I was pretty happy it was full of rilly bad science so I didn't have to worry at all about it coming true. (And mind you, I'm the kind of person who spends a month worried that Cloverfield is going to jump out from under her bed.)

THE NEUTRINOS! THEY'RE GONNA GET US!

[elizardbits.livejournal.com]

I am now even MORE psyched to see this terrible, terrible movie. I feel rather cheated that it will not be playing in IMAX, though. I WANT MY TERRIBLENESS 9 STORIES HIGH GODDAMMIT.

[count-01.livejournal.com]

IWHOLEHEARTEDLYAWTC.

[nmessina.livejournal.com]

The 'romances' were definitely an overkill. Most of the time I was whispering like a maniac: MORE SASHA NAOOOO.

[amaz0n-princess.livejournal.com]

My brilliant friend, you just made Ron LOL. Very loudly. Bless you. :)

[valiumsg.livejournal.com]

I'll go see it just to hear Ms Newton speaking french I think.

[arby-m.livejournal.com]

WE DO NOT JINX IT. IT MAY STILL NOT HAPPEN.

What, 2012 for reals?

2012 Doomsday Not Likely, Mayans Insist (http://tinyurl.com/yjz3ag5)

I love how the Discovery channel (website, whatever) feels like they have to take it seriously enough to even do this story. I also love how the Mayans are like "Cha, right! We have bigger problems than 2012 - which is totally not happening, BTW, idiot white men".

[quasar360.livejournal.com]

No, no - the other thing. With the funny and the snarking that sometimes happens to movies at this journal.

[gholam.livejournal.com]

You should've smuggled in beer. Or rum for that coke. It would've made that movie considerably more bearable.

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Hokay, so this film at a beer theater: I MAY* be able to stomach that! (Except I'm on a streak of not paying to see, or even seeing, an Emmerich film since The Patriot. MUST I BREAK MY STREAK??)

[alatariel10.livejournal.com]

Oh, guess I can skip the movie now, since I've already seen the earthquake in a limo part as part of a sneak preview thing on TV after Grey's Anatomy or something. And I had high hopes for this too, hm. =/

[sachielle.livejournal.com]

I'm having flashbacks to Knowing with Nicholas Cage. Too. Much. Stupid. So. Predictable.

[andies-anatomy.livejournal.com]

I didn't get to see the trailers because I went to a pre-screening of 2012, so there were none. I felt cheated. I had to sit through that movie and I didn't even get to see the trailers. ;___;

[omega-f.livejournal.com]

I love John Cusack, I cannot help it.
Just thought the world might want to know that. ;)

[tabbyclaw.livejournal.com]

We already knew. It was in your eyes.

[dachelle.livejournal.com]

Woody Harrelson's website = totally the most entertaining thing in the entire film for me.

[dtwirler.livejournal.com]

Best review EVAR.

The end. :o)

[icepearls.livejournal.com]

I just came home from the cinema. I thought it (2012) was awesome. Took a while to get going, yes, but DAMN! THE LIMO DRIVE OMG :DDDD

I was not happy about a certain death. Seemed too easy to get rid of that character so the other could take that place again. Blegh.

But besides that, it was sooo well made!!

[r-a-black.livejournal.com]

IA, I was like "Oh let me guess, that person is going to conveniently die, aren't they?"

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

Thank you for confirming for me what I already guessed - that I really don't need to see this movie. Heh.

[pandorablu.livejournal.com]

HOMG I went into that movie expecting to laugh my ass off and was not disappointed. The Limo scene was TOTALLY the highlight for me. My dad and I were laughing hysterically.

Unfortunately I was next to someone who was all SRS BZNS about the movie so I was forced to stop laughing.

... I'm contemplating going to see it again at a weird time just so I can laugh my ass off as much as I want. Does that say something about me?

[t4-flirt.livejournal.com]

Can we has M15M of 2012 pls?

And yeah, the hubby is raring to go see this, and I'm so not impressed by the trailer. I'd rather go see the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel. -Chipettes for the freakin' win, y'all.

[wumbawoman.livejournal.com]

WE DO NOT SPEAK OF IT

=P