This entry is not what you think it would be about

[cleolinda]

So I watched a good bit of the Twilight DVD (Target edition) today--I got through the first two discs and a couple of things on the third, and while I was there I started mulling over something that's occurred to me once or twice, but I don't know that I'd ever fully articulated it, even in my mind, and it is this: it is a lot harder for me to write now than it was five years ago when I started Black Ribbon. Original fiction, I mean, as opposed to recaps or parodies or what really amounts to doll fanfiction. And the reason for that: I've been linkspamming movie and general entertainment news in some capacity or other since late 2001. I have watched the process of a book--many books--becoming a movie, becoming a merchandising property, becoming a cultural touchstone. And inevitably, a production where anyone gives a damn always includes various people gushing over how wonderful the original book was and how they just wanted to honor that. I mean--Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Lemony Snicket, The Golden Compass, Twilight and now Watchmen--I've watched the life cycle of this process dozens of times, both for series and individual, one-shot books.

And what this has done to me, I'm starting to realize, is given me an entirely new angst topic: forget whether I can sell the books themselves, can I write something that will make dozens if not hundreds of respected professionals--producers, directors, actors, production designers, costume designers, composers, special effects supervisors, publicity departments, even toy manufacturers--sit around and gush ever so earnestly about how they just wanted to honor my vision and the spirit of my book and my beloved characters and my fabulous wonderful creative visionary blah blah blah blah blah. Can I inspire people to those lengths? And I sit there in a cold sweat and go, "I can't, I can't do that, I can't sit here in front of a blank document and birth this instant cultural phenomenon, I can't write books that people will line up at midnight in the cold for, I can't write original characters that people will get into violent shipping wars over, I can't write something that will make 6000 people pile up at conventions and scream their faces off, I can't live up to that, I can't do it, oh God, oh God, oh God, I think I'm going to throw up now."

And before you jump in like the good people you are with knee-jerk assurances that yes, I totally can! You love my recaps of other people's work and my stories about other people's characters!, I have to stop you and point out that this isn't about what I can or cannot do. This is about--I have to keep reminding myself--what I should do, and the last thing I should do is think about that shit. If you're trying to write a marketing phenomenon, dumbass, you're doing it wrong. The reason it makes me want to throw up, the idea of not being able to write because what I write might not be the next big thing, is because writing is all I want to do, and even when I'm too scared to write my own work I find something else to write, something like blog entries or TV recaps or like the dolls, something that's safe because it can't ever go further than that one post, it can't be published on its own or made into a movie or whatthefuckever. And more importantly, no one expects that of it. And I write that because I can't not write in some capacity. Yet I'm sitting here giving myself such a head trip over whether my story is going to be the next multimedia cultural phenomenon that I can't even write it badly, I'm so scared to write it at all.

So I am going to try to go back all the way down to the ground floor and tell myself, Fuck it, you're not writing this for anyone but you, you don't have to ever show it to anyone else. I mean, no, that's not how I want this to end up, and I don't want to turn it into self-indulgent badfic that's NOT FOR YOU. But I think there's a point where you have to say, right now, I am doing this for myself, because I want to, because I love it, because I can't not do it, and fuck all my crazy daydreams and delusions of grandeur. You write this bitch and then you worry about ever showing it to someone else.

And I feel terrible that I have such delusions of grandeur--or maybe not "delusions of" currently so much as "desire for" in the future. And part of what finally made me realize I was worrying about the wrong thing--that I was doing it at all--was (and you're going to laugh at this) writing the Secret Life of Dolls. Because I really don't think it would work as a printed book, which means I don't have to worry about that; I just do it for fun. And I've kind of been treating it like a workshop or training camp--in a context where I have no (well, few; I still worry if it works at all, because that's what I do) expectations for the final result. You know, let's try some foreshadowing, let's try to show character in different ways, let's try to create recognizable individuals, let's try to pace a long-term storyline, let's try to misdirect people or surprise them, let's try all the things writers should be able to do and see if it works--because it's in a serial format, I basically have a live audience, so I get to see what does work. When people immediately said, "Oh, I hope Edward doesn't go after Iorek," I thought, okay, that's not something that needs a ton of foreshadowing, and in fact, I probably need to dial future hints down as much as possible so I don't telegraph it. And it got to the point where I started thinking, this is so much fun--why am I not back on Black Ribbon doing this? It's the exact same thing. If I was afraid my craaaaaft was rusty, well, at least I've warmed up a bit. Just get in there and do it and who cares how it turns out.

So basically, I'm trying to refocus on why I write, which is because I love writing, the actual verb of it, and get back to actually doing it.

Comments

[sunni-sideup.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. I think a lot of writers need to hear this. I completely agree with you. There comes a point where you just can't worry about what other people think. It's just about you making the best, most satisfying story you can. If you are satisfied with it, if you enjoyed writing, the rest of it will fall into place. *nods* Great thoughts.

[rosefox8.livejournal.com]

Yeah. *nods Yeah.
Yeah.
Um.
Yes.
Um.

I've had a massive writer's block since last November, mostly because of this. I'm just now starting to break through. I will be saving this post to my Memories.

[spectralbovine.livejournal.com]

That is one of my favorite PAs.

I completely understand this angst, by the way. I think about the same things. Like, why should I write something if it's not going to sell a million billion copies and win all the prizes and be made into an Oscar-winning movie? I HAVE TO WRITE ONE OF THOSE.

[r0ck3tsci3ntist.livejournal.com]

There are THREE discs? o_O

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, if you get the set that's only sold at Target.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Hm, speaking of moods, you need a hamster that says "I CANNOT ART!"

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, you can make the mood say anything you want once you choose the icon from the list. I could probably use "artistic" and then fill in "I CANNOT ART UNDER THESE CONDITIONS."

[mercat.livejournal.com]

Sorry to be off-topic, but I remember not so long ago you posted where one could buy prints of the cards that you have in that icon; but I was wondering, is there any place to buy the whole deck? I may have missed it, but the art was very beautiful so I'd really like to find it. =)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Try this: http://www.alibris.com/search/books/isbn/1561380725

I think you can only get them secondhand now, unfortunately.

[keenai.livejournal.com]

So basically, I'm trying to refocus on why I write, which is because I love writing, the actual verb of it, and get back to actually doing it.

Yep. After going to grad school for creative writing, I had to come back to this same realization. It just made me care too much about what people thought and my best stuff was (is) the stuff I wrote because I wanted to write it. Period. When I tell the stories I want to tell, people get it. When I tried writing to the audience, the people close to me (and those in workshop even) were like "..."

In conclusion, I totally feel you.

[flamingo-bandit.livejournal.com]

I hear you, except I'm an undergrad writing major. One who doesn't write anything unless something's due for my critique group, in which case it's all, "Is this literary/intellectual/whatever enough?" instead of "Do I like this story and enjoy the process of creating it?"

[annemaeve.livejournal.com]

Good for you!!

I've really enjoyed reading The Secret Life of Dolls (so much that I've startled the cats several times by guffawing suddenly). You have an excellent style and sense of humor, and I'm glad to see that in the course of your rant you talked yourself right back into the truth: that writing is your gift, so just enjoy it, and let it go wherever it wants to go!

[leila82.livejournal.com]

I know you already mentioned this in your entry, but I feel like re-iteration is good: stop worrying/stressing over the future :) I mean, it's good to have goals and aspirations; it gives you something to shoot for. But the end result isn't the only important part. Sometimes it's better just to think about what you can get done today, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

I kind of do the same thing as you, actually, with the anxiety and wanting to be really really good at things. But I learned after my Epic Breakdown of '06 that that way of thinking doesn't really work for me. I realized I had to break things down into small chunks, and deal with small goals, because otherwise I'd end up setting myself up for failure.

Anyway, good luck, and you are not alone :)

[soleta-nf.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird is quite harsh in her attempts to bring writers back down to reality, but it is true that even getting published isn't the be-all and end-all. And then the chances of it becoming a bestseller, and then getting made into a movie, are very slim. It's not useful to pressure yourself in that way.

Write for yourself. Be satisfied with the little successes. If the bigger successes happen, then that's icing on the cake.

[rina2o6.livejournal.com]

I've been having a similar problem! Its this sort of - what I write will never turn a billion girls into a screaming frenzy at a Hot Topic, and I had to realize that I was ok with that. I don't want my creations to become a sensation because they're vague placeholders.
But you know - and this isn't just sycophantic reassurance here - after reading what you have of Black Ribbon online, those characters and those plot threads kept coming back to me, the way well-crafted stories do. I completely agree that what you right has to be for yourself first, and I hope you continue doing that with Black Ribbon and with your other projects, because it is interesting and I think its pretty clear that you've got a fan base and a market.

[rina2o6.livejournal.com]

*write. Wow. I can grammar

[ladychi.livejournal.com]

I had this angst when writing my original novel. Now it's sort of developed into, "Oh my God, the publishing industry is like, collapsing!" angst, which is a different barrel of monkeys all together. It's really hard to find a publisher when a lot of them just aren't taking new manuscripts.

I digress.

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that you don't have to be the next JK Rowling or the next Tolkien. You just have to write something that entertains the group of people you set out to entertain.

The money, the fame and the glory comes later. *laughs* If you're lucky.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm actually to the point where I'm not worried about the publishing industry (even though I keep an eye on industry news). They've got to publish *something,* right? If I have to release six chapters online and get people to sign sworn affidavits that they would, in fact, buy the full book before I can get it published, so be it. And if I can't get people interested? Well, it probably doesn't need to be published professionally anyway. So, for some reason, I'm not worried about that at all.

You just have to write something that entertains the group of people you set out to entertain.

Ain't that the truth.

[lost-garnet.livejournal.com]

That makes a great deal of sense. It is somewhat overwhelming to think of things in terms of these cultural touchstones. Even with the current YA novel I'm working on, I find myself freaking out over research and background information and "set-dressing" because, let's face it, it's really presenting itself more as a movie in my head than an actual, fully-formed novel. Which is putting the cart massively before the horse, to say the least.

Also, take heart. There is fanfiction and meta-fanfiction for just about bloody everything out there. And sometimes quality has no bearing on what becomes big films with big stars and what doesn't. (Like how Eragon got John Malkovich and Jeremy Irons in it and nothing of O.R. Melling's Chronicles of Faerie have been made into films. That makes no sense. None.)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Omg, I stress about whether I've done enough research or not so much. Not in terms of movie deals, but in terms of facing other historical novelists, who I'm afraid would laugh me out of the room.

[batmaz.livejournal.com]

I admire you a great deal. I wish you all the best for Black Ribbon, I'll definitely be ruining a copy of it as soon as its published (because I can't enjoy a book without destroying it in the process; hair dye, ripped pages, etc.).

[mrs-bruin.livejournal.com]

I think you're completely on the right track. I'm no writer, but from all the things I've read or heard from best selling authors is that they wrote the story because they wanted to find out what happened next. I think it's too much pressure to write something you want others to feels is UH-MAZ-ING, but if you are proud of you work that will shine through.

Also, reading your book currently and loving it!

[hakojo.livejournal.com]

I have a lot of thoughts like this too - I'm currently working on my first novel (the first of a trilogy, if I can go that far with it), and sometimes I catch myself thinking about "well, if they were to make this into a movie it would have to be handled this way" or "I wouldn't want this scene to be interpreted this way because it totally misses the point", etc, and sometimes I just have to give myself a little shake and remind myself that I write because I love writing. I love coming up with characters and settings and motivations and backstories and then thinking of the best way to string it all together and entertain people by doing so. At base it's just for me, but if I can make others happy by exposing my work to the public, I guess that's a nice bonus.

-hug- Keep writing, girl - you've got a real talent for it.

[kalena-henden.livejournal.com]

And I feel terrible that I have such delusions of grandeur--or maybe not "delusions of" currently so much as "desire for" in the future.
We need dreamers.

I was giggling to myself that The Secret Life of Dolls should do a crossover with The Whedon Room (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY8Wz7PSQOk). lol Let My-So-Called Doll's Life begin.

[queenanthai.livejournal.com]

You write because of a compulsion, because the story in your head has to come out, and damn what anyone else thinks of it. My books? Really kind of suck. But the stories are mostly out and the characters did their thing and that's all they needed to do. Would it be nice to sell it someday? Well, yes, once I rewrite the original stuff over the plaigiarizey stuff. *wince*

But yes. Write for YOU. Or more specifically, write for the characters in your head. They want their story told, and they picked you to do it. Doesn't matter if you think it sucks. It can un-suck later, but Just Get Through A Draft.

Go read Stephen King's On Writing (again, if you already have), and he'll set ya straight. :)

[triplethreat310.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron? I know it might be cheesy, but there's a great section in her book that talks specifically about how any art form shouldn't be about fame or competition or trying to better yourself. I know it's kind of a self-help book that may or may not actually help people, but it got me thinking and helped me through a lot of rough patches with coming to terms with who I am as a writer, and has also helped a lot of people I know regardless of how they consider themselves as "artists."

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Not yet, but it was definitely recommended to me. I need to.

+Memories.

[flamingo-bandit.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. Because writing used to be fun.

(Also, I hope this doesn't pressure you or wig you out, but my roommate and I were just talking about how Black Ribbon is probably going to rock when it's done.)

[rhoda-rants.livejournal.com]

I am SO glad to hear you say this. I can't help but wonder about my own novel, in the same way. I wonder if I'm doing it for the right reasons, I wonder if I'm getting ahead of myself my imagining the multimedia circus that may or may not accompany it. There's a part of me that thinks, "Hell, if SM can sell a book, so can I." And then another part that thinks, "Wait, why are you comparing yourself to SM? Your novel has nothing to do any of hers." And yet another part that says, "Hm, I wonder if could outsell her anyway...." And at that point I have to mentally bitchslap myself all over again.

I'm sure many authors have similar bouts of angst and just haven't admitted it out loud.

As for worrying over the fact that you're more into SLOD than your original work, my fiction workshop teacher gave a great piece of advice -- during a time when I was hopelessly blocked and devoted all my time to stuff other than serious writing -- that I'm going to share with you now: Let it go. Don't give up on the book entirely, but don't worry about it. The muse will come back when she's good and ready. You can't bring her back by angsting over the fact that she's not around at the moment. But, she will come back.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

See, I think my problem with this isn't so much that my muse isn't around; it's that she's here and I've locked the door because I'm afraid to let her in.

[house-monkey.livejournal.com]

I used to know these guys who formed a group at university called the Scriptwriter's Club, the noble intent of which was to allow aspiring writers to meet and help each other out with all their ideas for movies. Instead all they ever seemed to do was sit around discussing how they would split the money when one of their undoubted mega-hit blockbusters was sold to a studio. I don't think any of them ever got as far as actually writing anything.

[rustedinkwell.livejournal.com]

I started doing NaNo last November and got pretty far in my story because I was doing it just for me and to be silly. Then I started telling a few friends about the plot and what not and they started critiquing it. That was fine since they were honest but not mean about it and helped me improve somethings. But after a while I was trying to write this thing more to their expectations instead of for my own amusement. I dropped it after two weeks because it just wasn't fun anymore and I didn't like where the story had started to go.

So, I get what you're saying. It's hard to get back into the mind set where it doesn't matter what the story is doing so long as you're writing it once you've fallen out.

And you're right, you don't need to write a story that's a cultural masterpiece. You need to write a story that makes you happy to write and one that you would enjoy reading.

[violetfrosting.livejournal.com]

It's natural, I guess, to consider the future during the creative process - certainly in this age of movie tie-ins and merchandising. It's part of the natural ego of any human being to project success of their labours and spend some time thinking about how that will work. I can also see, however, that it must inhibit the flow a little if you're wondering if your complex plot is filmable or your heroine's dress can be made in 1:20 scale.

I think as long as you care enough to have these dilemmas, then your creation is safe.

And no merchandising deals with Hot Topic, lady, or you'll have me to deal with ;) (their international shipping rate is ruinous - RUINOUS I tells ya)

[cupcake-goth.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this post. Because I really do believe that the sort of people who feel the need to write have the same set of fears/concerns/oh my god, what am I doing what if I do it wrong?! concerns as you. But very few of us talk about it, because what if all the other writers look at us, roll their eyes, and tell us we're crazy or doing it wrong?

In other words, YES. This post rang a lot of bells for me.

[goonie-freak.livejournal.com]

I started to feel that way about the book I was writing when I started seeing people freaking out about different books and series coming out... I thought to myself "Do I want THAT out of my writing?" Which tends to turn into writing what you know people want and not what you wanted... then I realized the main reason I write is because I get an idea or a character in my head and I HAVE to get the story out onto paper (or disc space...)

I realized six months ago I write because I can't not. I don't care if I am a JK Rowling or a Stephenie Meyer... I just want to share my characters and stories with people... I think that's what separates the story tellers (which you very much ARE) from the rest!

Now I am done rambling! lol

[outinthestorm.livejournal.com]

I think, in a way, that's why so many people write fanfiction - there is this instant-feedback loop of people telling you how fabulous you are, without the pressure of it having to be good enough to OMG actually sell copies.

Some people would point out that there is still the pressure of people hassling for updates, but I don't buy that as much - it's very easy to turn around and remove an unfinished story or refuse to update or leave updates for years and years and no one will care because it's a free service that is being provided; the author didn't have to share their story.

Whereas, with an actual sellable fiction, there's that pressure to make it as good as possible before it's published, because once it's out there, there is no changing it, no going back to change continuity problems, and there will be people hassling you for the next installment because they will want to know what happens to characters they have installed time, emotion and, more importantly to them, money in.

If you haven't already, I would get yourself a beta, or a group of people that you can bounce your story off of, who you trust to give you good feedback. That way, you get the feedback that keeps you positive about your writing, without the stress.
(or, at least, less of it)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I do have people I trust to read things. I have noticed, though, that if I tell them an idea rather than show it to them fully executed as a narrative, I get discouraged--I mean, obviously they can't see what I plan to put into it, or how it would actually work in context. So I kind of have to wait until I at least have a draft, because otherwise it just sounds stupid.