BEWARE, TEAL DEER CROSSING
Dec. 10th, 2008 03:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cleolindaHmm. I got into a discussion with someone yesterday--since I had been whining about being alone, sooooo alooooone--about what girls do, in fact, look for in a guy. So I sat down rather than do any real work and thought about it--I think it's actually important to sit down and hash out what you want in a partner, male or female, with yourself (because it's a very personal thing), so that you know what you're looking for. And I'd be interested to see how y'all's tastes differ, so: discuss. Do it on your own journal as a meme if you want, even.
Sense of humor: I think this is actually one of the least helpful things to put on a dating application, because no one is ever going to say, "I would actually prefer to go out with some humorless bastard." We all want someone with "a sense of humor." The only problem is, there are many kinds of humor, and we all find different things funny. So what we're really saying is, "I want someone who laughs at the same things I do." And y'all know my sense of humor--I guess it ranges from pretty dry to completely silly, but I tend to be turned off by anything really mean (certainly, anything that's meaner than it is funny) and anything really gross. And while I have been known to make some really dirty jokes, I tend to go for subtlety--there's a spit-or-swallow joke in "Titanic in Fifteen Minutes" that I'm not sure whether people got, since I wasn't able to get immediate feedback like with the online parodies. And there's actually a line in "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes" that I'm surprised didn't send people screaming (well, it did with a couple of people who caught it). But if you like gross-out comedies to the exclusion of everything else... you and I are probably not going to get along very well.
That said? I'm not looking for someone to make me laugh. That actually kind of bothers me, when people at parties kind of flop around like asphyxiating fish, desperate to get people to laugh at their jokes. I actually laugh in response to pretty much everything--it's my default reaction, whether I'm genuinely amused or kind of horrified or completely shocked (which gets me in trouble sometimes). I'd rather be laughing because I'm having a good time with you than because you tried to put on a show for me. I don't need you to "impress" me--and maybe I've gotten that from people (in online contexts) because I write the Fifteen Minutes things and people think that's what I want? I don't, really. I just want you to be yourself and have fun.
Interests: Actually, you know what? I don't want someone to have the exact same interests as me. I mean, it will help a lot if you love movies and/or books. But I want someone who respects my interests and has at least a few in common with me and can say, "I don't really get why you like stupidcrackpop music, but I love that you get so into it," even as I'd really like someone to have interests that I don't have... yet. I'd like someone who could either teach me new things or who I could learn new things with--I'd really like someone who could teach me to play the guitar, for example.
That said, I don't want someone to shove some new interest down my throat. If I'm not interested in your favorite comic or video game, that's okay, you know? I'm more than happy for you to have something you can go off and do, even with other people, while sometimes I have separate things I go off and do.
Intelligence: Speaking of learning--you know, I almost forgot to mention this at all, because it so went without saying to me. I'm not even talking about book smarts, necessarily--God knows there are tons of gaps in my accumulated knowledge. And I can hardly math at all. But that's actually how I'd differentiate intelligence from education: education is the result of learning, while intelligence is the ability and the desire to keep learning. I mean, I'd hope.
(Reading is sexy, though.)
Kindness: I've been through the Why Girls Like Jerks thing before, the upside of which is, "A nice guy [is] already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you?" (Keep in mind that I followed this up with, "Sure, your jerk of choice may start out giving you the special treatment, but as the novelty of the relationship wears off, he's going to do exactly what the nice guy does: he's going to treat you just like he treats everyone else.") So while I have no patience with the Toxic Nice Guy, I am all about actual nice guys. And I tend to look for evidence of this in the way that guys--people, really--treat animals, children, and waitresses. (I know, weird. But good rule of thumb.) And I find that this extends to manners as well--I want to say Miss Manners once said something along the lines of, "Manners are the art of making people feel at ease," rather than being strictly about which fork you use when. You know... being nice. Or kind, if that sounds less sappy.
Ambition: You know what? I actually prefer less ambition. I'm not terribly interested in outright slackers (I'm not doing the best job of being an independent adult myself, though, so this is probably a bit hypocritical), but I do want someone who at least wants something out of life. I want someone who has something he wants to do, and he wants to be the best that he can be at it. What I'm not interested in, though, is someone with a huge Type A personality who's got to be better than you and me and everyone else and make all the moneys and win all the pissing contests and keel over at age of forty from a massive coronary. I'm actually very ambitious in my own way, but it tends to be on a creative level. Or maybe a less tangible level, rather. I want to be a good writer and a well-regarded writer, and I want enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not so much about SOMEDAY I WILL SELL MORE BOOKS THAN YOUUUUUU. So I want someone who aspires to something, who is self-motivated, but isn't driven to make you eat his dust. I don't know--I just find that really stressful and not worth it.
(And you know, there are a lot of people who are turned on by driven, powerful types. I'm just not one of them.)
Mellow...osity: So... yeah. Being mellow is pretty important to me. There's a difference between "being mellow" and "not caring," obviously. I'm kind of weird, I guess--I can get really high-strung about some things and I deal with huge amounts of anxiety (which is probably why I'd be more interested in someone calmer than me). At the same time, as much as I enjoy flailing and capslocking over entertainment for fun, I really feel like I'm pretty laidback about a lot of things. Those of y'all who have been here a while--am I just completely deluded here? Well, either I'm correct about myself and I want someone who's also laidback, or I'm delusional and I want someone who's more laidback than me. It probably comes out the same in the wash.
Confidence: I think this goes with the mellowosity. I find arrogance to be a huge turnoff, and yet... I like it when a guy is just very casually comfortable with himself. "Confidence" may be too strong a word for it, I don't know. I do think it's something that separates the nice guys from the Nice Guys, though.
Smile: You know, they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and all that, but I tend to look more at the way someone smiles. Which, of course, also involves the eyes. Really, it involves the whole face. Oddly, though, it's not about someone's teeth for me (as opposed to my mother, who has a major thing for perfect, straight white teeth. She really likes Tom Cruise's teeth, and was a little discomfited when I pointed out that his teeth are crooked in a way that actually makes him look like he has one big middle tooth). Basically, I look for a smile that lights up someone's entire face. It's hard to explain--you know it when you see it, and it can't be faked (a fake smile doesn't go all the way up into someone's eyes). And you (or I, rather) want someone who smiles (and laughs) easily and often. So I'm way more into a great smile than I am the whole Blue Steel sexyglare.
Irrational Physical Attractions: Everyone has them--some random thing that just does it for them. Me? Forearms. I don't know why. (Also hands. Which are attached to the forearms. Obviously.) A guy with his sleeves rolled up is just... ffffrowrr. And yet, I am almost completely uninterested in guys' arms above the elbow. It's all about the forearms. I don't know.
Oh, and floppy hair. I have always had a thing for floppy, shaggy hair, although it has to be short enough in the back that it does not flop into mullet territory. Mullets are Not Okay. And while short hair doesn't do much for me, long hair doesn't really get me all that much either, although the most beautiful boy I ever knew had what I must call, with no exaggeration whatsoever, Legolas Hair.
Of course, here's the thing that can invalidate anything on this--or anyone else's--list: the spark. The irrational, crazy-making connective spark that you just feel for someone. And when you feel that, pretty much nothing else matters. You don't like that color hair? Well, on them you do. Didn't think you'd ever date someone shorter, taller, older, younger, heavier, thinner? Doesn't matter. Whatever that strange leaping thing in your stomach is, you feel it, and nothing else matters. And yeah, eventually the craziness fades away and you're left with a more rational, mundane connection. I mean, you hope. But the spark did its job in pulling the two of you together. So I'm just saying, you know, don't write your list in stone or anything.
So that's my teal deer for the day. And notice that at no point did I say I wanted rock-hard abs or lots of money or even worldly sophistication. One of the reasons I'm interested to see what y'all want in prospective partners (of either sex) is that I think people are going to be surprised by what other people actually find attractive.
Sense of humor: I think this is actually one of the least helpful things to put on a dating application, because no one is ever going to say, "I would actually prefer to go out with some humorless bastard." We all want someone with "a sense of humor." The only problem is, there are many kinds of humor, and we all find different things funny. So what we're really saying is, "I want someone who laughs at the same things I do." And y'all know my sense of humor--I guess it ranges from pretty dry to completely silly, but I tend to be turned off by anything really mean (certainly, anything that's meaner than it is funny) and anything really gross. And while I have been known to make some really dirty jokes, I tend to go for subtlety--there's a spit-or-swallow joke in "Titanic in Fifteen Minutes" that I'm not sure whether people got, since I wasn't able to get immediate feedback like with the online parodies. And there's actually a line in "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes" that I'm surprised didn't send people screaming (well, it did with a couple of people who caught it). But if you like gross-out comedies to the exclusion of everything else... you and I are probably not going to get along very well.
That said? I'm not looking for someone to make me laugh. That actually kind of bothers me, when people at parties kind of flop around like asphyxiating fish, desperate to get people to laugh at their jokes. I actually laugh in response to pretty much everything--it's my default reaction, whether I'm genuinely amused or kind of horrified or completely shocked (which gets me in trouble sometimes). I'd rather be laughing because I'm having a good time with you than because you tried to put on a show for me. I don't need you to "impress" me--and maybe I've gotten that from people (in online contexts) because I write the Fifteen Minutes things and people think that's what I want? I don't, really. I just want you to be yourself and have fun.
Interests: Actually, you know what? I don't want someone to have the exact same interests as me. I mean, it will help a lot if you love movies and/or books. But I want someone who respects my interests and has at least a few in common with me and can say, "I don't really get why you like stupidcrackpop music, but I love that you get so into it," even as I'd really like someone to have interests that I don't have... yet. I'd like someone who could either teach me new things or who I could learn new things with--I'd really like someone who could teach me to play the guitar, for example.
That said, I don't want someone to shove some new interest down my throat. If I'm not interested in your favorite comic or video game, that's okay, you know? I'm more than happy for you to have something you can go off and do, even with other people, while sometimes I have separate things I go off and do.
Intelligence: Speaking of learning--you know, I almost forgot to mention this at all, because it so went without saying to me. I'm not even talking about book smarts, necessarily--God knows there are tons of gaps in my accumulated knowledge. And I can hardly math at all. But that's actually how I'd differentiate intelligence from education: education is the result of learning, while intelligence is the ability and the desire to keep learning. I mean, I'd hope.
(Reading is sexy, though.)
Kindness: I've been through the Why Girls Like Jerks thing before, the upside of which is, "A nice guy [is] already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you?" (Keep in mind that I followed this up with, "Sure, your jerk of choice may start out giving you the special treatment, but as the novelty of the relationship wears off, he's going to do exactly what the nice guy does: he's going to treat you just like he treats everyone else.") So while I have no patience with the Toxic Nice Guy, I am all about actual nice guys. And I tend to look for evidence of this in the way that guys--people, really--treat animals, children, and waitresses. (I know, weird. But good rule of thumb.) And I find that this extends to manners as well--I want to say Miss Manners once said something along the lines of, "Manners are the art of making people feel at ease," rather than being strictly about which fork you use when. You know... being nice. Or kind, if that sounds less sappy.
Ambition: You know what? I actually prefer less ambition. I'm not terribly interested in outright slackers (I'm not doing the best job of being an independent adult myself, though, so this is probably a bit hypocritical), but I do want someone who at least wants something out of life. I want someone who has something he wants to do, and he wants to be the best that he can be at it. What I'm not interested in, though, is someone with a huge Type A personality who's got to be better than you and me and everyone else and make all the moneys and win all the pissing contests and keel over at age of forty from a massive coronary. I'm actually very ambitious in my own way, but it tends to be on a creative level. Or maybe a less tangible level, rather. I want to be a good writer and a well-regarded writer, and I want enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not so much about SOMEDAY I WILL SELL MORE BOOKS THAN YOUUUUUU. So I want someone who aspires to something, who is self-motivated, but isn't driven to make you eat his dust. I don't know--I just find that really stressful and not worth it.
(And you know, there are a lot of people who are turned on by driven, powerful types. I'm just not one of them.)
Mellow...osity: So... yeah. Being mellow is pretty important to me. There's a difference between "being mellow" and "not caring," obviously. I'm kind of weird, I guess--I can get really high-strung about some things and I deal with huge amounts of anxiety (which is probably why I'd be more interested in someone calmer than me). At the same time, as much as I enjoy flailing and capslocking over entertainment for fun, I really feel like I'm pretty laidback about a lot of things. Those of y'all who have been here a while--am I just completely deluded here? Well, either I'm correct about myself and I want someone who's also laidback, or I'm delusional and I want someone who's more laidback than me. It probably comes out the same in the wash.
Confidence: I think this goes with the mellowosity. I find arrogance to be a huge turnoff, and yet... I like it when a guy is just very casually comfortable with himself. "Confidence" may be too strong a word for it, I don't know. I do think it's something that separates the nice guys from the Nice Guys, though.
Smile: You know, they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and all that, but I tend to look more at the way someone smiles. Which, of course, also involves the eyes. Really, it involves the whole face. Oddly, though, it's not about someone's teeth for me (as opposed to my mother, who has a major thing for perfect, straight white teeth. She really likes Tom Cruise's teeth, and was a little discomfited when I pointed out that his teeth are crooked in a way that actually makes him look like he has one big middle tooth). Basically, I look for a smile that lights up someone's entire face. It's hard to explain--you know it when you see it, and it can't be faked (a fake smile doesn't go all the way up into someone's eyes). And you (or I, rather) want someone who smiles (and laughs) easily and often. So I'm way more into a great smile than I am the whole Blue Steel sexyglare.
Irrational Physical Attractions: Everyone has them--some random thing that just does it for them. Me? Forearms. I don't know why. (Also hands. Which are attached to the forearms. Obviously.) A guy with his sleeves rolled up is just... ffffrowrr. And yet, I am almost completely uninterested in guys' arms above the elbow. It's all about the forearms. I don't know.
Oh, and floppy hair. I have always had a thing for floppy, shaggy hair, although it has to be short enough in the back that it does not flop into mullet territory. Mullets are Not Okay. And while short hair doesn't do much for me, long hair doesn't really get me all that much either, although the most beautiful boy I ever knew had what I must call, with no exaggeration whatsoever, Legolas Hair.
Of course, here's the thing that can invalidate anything on this--or anyone else's--list: the spark. The irrational, crazy-making connective spark that you just feel for someone. And when you feel that, pretty much nothing else matters. You don't like that color hair? Well, on them you do. Didn't think you'd ever date someone shorter, taller, older, younger, heavier, thinner? Doesn't matter. Whatever that strange leaping thing in your stomach is, you feel it, and nothing else matters. And yeah, eventually the craziness fades away and you're left with a more rational, mundane connection. I mean, you hope. But the spark did its job in pulling the two of you together. So I'm just saying, you know, don't write your list in stone or anything.
So that's my teal deer for the day. And notice that at no point did I say I wanted rock-hard abs or lots of money or even worldly sophistication. One of the reasons I'm interested to see what y'all want in prospective partners (of either sex) is that I think people are going to be surprised by what other people actually find attractive.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 12:39 am (UTC)Because I'm fucking weird.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 12:53 am (UTC)...Europe only has one coral beach? Wow.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 12:57 am (UTC)For me it's all about the brains. Brains are sexy.
Confidence is a biggy. Partially because I'm extremely shy, I like someone who will help me with that as opposed to enabling my being shy.
On that note, I have a habit of going off on random adventures. I enjoy partners-in-crime on these trips. However, if they don't want to come along, they have to understand that me going with out them is not me not loving them or caring about them. It's just that there are somethings I need to do in order to keep the brain happy.
Passionate. Not in the vah vah voom kind of way, but they have to be passionate about SOMETHING in there life, I guess that sort of ties into ambition. Sports, comics, politics, what have you. Just CARE about something.
Someone who's able to teach me something new. I love learning all sorts of things. Facts as well as activities.
Someone who isn't afraid of physical touch. I adore being tactile, hugging, holding hands, scritches and the like.
And of course. Has to be weird and silly. If you have an issue with the fact that I like to run around naked, act like a complete and utter dork, or the fact that my brain will come up with the most bizarre things and the most inopportune times. Then it ain't gonna work.
Women are a whole 'nother playing field, I'm picky with men, but about 100 times worse with women as I don't really click with a majority of the women I know.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:00 am (UTC)The other big thing for me is talking too much. I can't stand that. I like guys who are just as comfortable talking as they are just hanging out in silence. There's just something about that that I really, really like.
Also, I love eyes. I really, really love guys with lighter-colored eyes... it's hard to explain exactly, but, it's basically eyes like Cilian Murphy's. Just eyes I could stare at for hours without getting bored. That being said, though, I do like the "boring" colors, such as brown, too. I think the biggest thing is that I know if I'll get along with a person as soon as I make eye contact with them, and that goes for just best friends, too. I guess you can call it "spark", I just know that I don't get tired of the people I take an instant likeness to.
I also really love hands; the big, soft hands that don't have spidery, piano-player fingers or gigantic knuckles or anything. Just bigger than my hands, and soft and comforting. I really like that. lol
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:03 am (UTC)hah I'm kinda like that, too. Only, I've figured out that I could totally be a lesbian if it weren't for the fact that I'm physically attracted to guys. Mentality wise, though? I'm way more attracted to women.
It's strange.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:04 am (UTC)All of my friends have such definite, unique personalities, and I'm pretty much just a blend of them all.
Plus, I have a really hard time talking to new people. I mean, I can talk to my waiter just fine, but I'm incredibly nervous about talking to people I want to like me. Usually I just end up not saying anything.
It makes me feel so boring.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:06 am (UTC)ME TOO!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:07 am (UTC)Re: Teal Dear John Letter?
Date: 2008-12-11 01:08 am (UTC)Actually, okay, I get all "UNF" over guys with hot bodies, it's true. Show me a six-pack and well-defined arms--though not steroidish, ew--and I'm all over it.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:14 am (UTC)*sigh* tho Rpattz or James Marsden or any other on my list would be REALLY NICE TOOO ... for christmas and my birthday? c'mon pleaasee? lol
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:19 am (UTC)OH GOD YES. I can't stand anyone that hangs around me too much, and I can't stand clingy, needy, omg-you're-not-here-I'm-so-sad people. Missing me is fine; go ahead and miss me! But enjoy yourself while missing me. Have fun. Hang out with your friends. Let me be for a day or so.
'Course, this goes for anyone in my book, but I've always felt it would be important to get across to guys I date 'cause the relationship will not go very far if they're needy. I'm "anti-social" in the way that I will start wigging out and snapping at people if I don't get a break from them every-so-often. I've actually had to tell people "back off, I need to not talk to you for awhile" before.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:19 am (UTC)Granted, that was Lawrence, Kansas. But still, Kansas. Have you tried your local liberal college town?
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:21 am (UTC)Re: (I'm feeling very parenthetical today.)
Date: 2008-12-11 01:23 am (UTC)heee, you're not alone in this. I have a sensitive sense of smell, too, so I'm in the same boat as you there. (Also: Oranges and wood shavings? Ew. Though, I do like the smell of wood shavings--I don't know--but oranges are just completely nasty to me.)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:29 am (UTC)Physical ideals: Long hair either curly and blonde or straight and black. I'm weird. *^_^*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:33 am (UTC)Just make sure your list is comprehensive. I forgot to put anything political on there, and I ended up with a Republican. But I still love him :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:39 am (UTC)Re: (I'm feeling very parenthetical today.)
Date: 2008-12-11 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:57 am (UTC)Ooh, I do that. With me, at least, it's a comfort thing -- It's safe to crush on them because I know nothing will ever happen, and I won't have to act on the crush.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 01:57 am (UTC)usually the perky normal girl wouldn't appreciate his weirdness the way a weird girl would.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 02:04 am (UTC)Now, physically... Tall, lanky, dark hair, brooding eyes... What did I end up with? Tall, lanky, blond, and greenish-blue eyes. Though, what really gets me drooling over a guy, and this may sound silly, a mohawk. I love when my fiance shaves his head and leaves the one strip of hair.
Honestly, what has ended relationship after relationship (this current one does not apply to the trend) is the idea that gets in my head that the person I'm with is not pulling their own weight in life. I don't want someone to take care of me, but I sure as hell don't want to take care of someone else... There's a reason I don't want kids.
So, I suppose motivation to work and earn money would be a big factor after intelligence. I've always found my relationships starting to wane when I come to the conclusion that I'm more intelligent than the person I'm with. It's not that they were stupid, it's just that I felt myself superior in some way and it's hard to maintain an equal relationship once those narcissistic tendencies find their way into my thoughts. Maybe I've finally grown out of it or maybe I've finally found someone who can keep up with me.
Sense of Humor: Ok, on this one... I can find anything funny. From dry sarcasm to dirty and sexual to disgusting and tasteless. That being said... I only find it funny if I know the person saying said outrageous things doesn't actually hold any stock in what they are saying.