Chatty and yet feeling kind of meh

[cleolinda]

Hey, I feel talky, so let's get this out of the way before it gets crushed under the weight of the linkspam:

I don't know if I'm still manic or hypomanic, but I have somehow found a way to feel tired and wired at the same time--too edgy to sleep but too disgusted with life meh to do anything useful. It's funny--I'm having a lot of tiny moodswings. As in, my mood changes a lot, but the moods themselves aren't very "big," as it were. I mean, I'm not flailing around like Midnight Sun Edward Cullen or anything. It's just that in the course of an hour, it'll be like, "I'm tired and I don't want to do anything. Hey, I think I'll play around on my wiki! Let's check email. I kind of feel like crying, but eh, I think I'm just being hormonal. Let's desk dance a little. I want to work, I feel like working. Nooooo, I'm so sick of footnotes. My stomach hurts. GOD I HATE EVERYONE, PEOPLE MAKE ME SO TIRED." Of course, if y'all have heard my voice on the podcasts, you have to imagine all of that being said in a fairly even, deadpan tone. If this is mania, it's not impressing me. Which is probably for the best.

I mean, maybe this is totally normal. But once you know that you have a mood disorder, you start assuming that everything you feel is abnormal.

Oh, by the way, this journal's going to be five years old on Halloween! Whee! What I'm thinking about is something like what John Scalzi's doing for the tenth anniversary of his blog--link to an older entry each day, particularly since a lot of new people have started reading over the summer (*waves*). Yes, entries about my mother (Gerald, Sonic, all of that) will be represented. If there's anything else you really liked, let me know, because there are 2,436 entries prior to this one, according to my user info, and most of them aren't tagged (*sob*). And now you know why I have the Cleoland wiki--as a way of making some kind of organizational sense out of this thing. I'm going to try and improve it a good bit over the month--when I need fun breaks--so that the major topic pages are filled in.

(Another reason I have the wiki is because I need it as a reference to link to--and I need those links because I can't assume everyone's read everything or remembers what they did read. It saves people the trouble of asking, "Wait, what was that about again? Did I miss that?" Like the link to the podcasts up there, actually--that's exactly what that is. It's also why I tend to repeat myself and re-explain things, like The Inevitable Recap of My Depressive Episodes whenever I mention a minor medication change: because I can't assume you remember what I'm talking about. Anyway, in case that ever annoyed you, that's why I do it.)

Meanwhile, a post about fanfic from a fanfic writer who attended Clarion: "This is not a 'published fiction is better than fanfiction' post. It's a 'published fiction is harder than fanfiction' post." A really interesting read, in no small part because it better articulates something I was trying to get at, very generally, here:

So when you remove fandom from the equation, you're removing exactly what people came to fandom for in the first place: the characters and the worlds. You've got to create your own. And maybe writing in someone else's world has been like training wheels, maybe it's shown you the kind of thing you're going to need to do for yourself. Without having actually written narrative fanfiction, I still look at what JK Rowling's said about her process in terms of planning out a long series. What do you give away, how soon do you give it away--her decision to move Horcrux info from Chamber of Secrets to a later book, that kind of thing. But you're also in danger of having steeped in someone else's world for so long that you write your own thing, and it's like everything everyone's already seen.

Compare that bit of rambling to

Fanfiction is about taking an existing world and existing characters and, importantly, an existing audience, and writing something that appeals to that audience by expounding on a relationship or event or character within the original canon, sometimes even subverting the original canon. But even if you hold up an Alice in Wonderland mirror to the canon and write something gloriously fucked-up and twisty that would make the original canon writer spin in his grave, you are still writing with the aid of a mirror and, let me be blunt, it is a crutch.

Because you never have to start it from scratch. You never have to go "okay, goddammit, I need a believable character" because there's already a stable full of characters you love there to tinker with and explore; you don't usually have to research to create an economy/religion/political system from the ground up; in most (I stress most!) cases you don't have to build a coherent plotline beyond one or two scenes, especially if you are simply going into greater character depth with a canon plot event; et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Perhaps the hardest of these is that you don't have to figure out What the Story is About, which is what I mean when I say "stories that matter."

Like I said: she says it better.

Comments

[laurelin-kit.livejournal.com]

Oh my God! I missed my journal's five-yeariversary! Noo! It was back in May!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Aww! I think I missed my journal's birthday last year or the year before.

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

I mean, maybe this is totally normal. But once you know that you have a mood disorder, you start assuming that everything you feel is abnormal.

Oh boy, do you ever. I'm feeling very much the same lately; I spent some time in my own journal today talking about it. It may be because I'm premenstrual, or because I haven't had a therapist for four months, or just the change of seasons. *shrug* Whatever it is, it's annoying, and I want to make it go away. I have things to do. I definitely relate, though, since on one hand being diagnosed with depression accounted for a lot, but on the other it can be hard to decide whether I'm in a depressive funk or just having a lousy week.

[phrenolepsy.livejournal.com]

Both are very true. I get so annoyed (and disappointed in myself) when I find "my" ideas in other fictional work and characters. I see these things I thought were so unique reflected in things I'd previously read or heard about, and not in that nice allegorical way, and I wonder about my ability to be original. So far I've figured that all I can do is keep reworking the characters and ideas, and hope they can stand on their own in time.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, it's one of the reasons I've tried to keep from reading anything modern/current in the genre I'm writing about--in hopes that the story and characters will develop on their own without me getting into this mindset of, you know, "This is what writers always do, these are the lines you have to follow if you're going to write this genre." So far it seems to have worked out fairly well, although I'm also assuming that someone, somewhere, has already written similar stuff. It's just that I don't care now.

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

Just take a break, take a nap, and read for awhile or something. :) Maybe setting aside a couple of hours where you really don't have to do anything will be relaxing.

It's so true about fanfic vs. real fic. I will say, one reason it's kind of fun to write comics fanfic-type stuff (which is *sort of* what ask_deadpool is) is that comics as a medium has such shifting sands when it comes to writers and artists and such longevity when it comes to characters (they almost never die, so the stories are expected to keep on going) that it's less like taking ONE person's "world" and trying to "make it your own" or fit little different bits in without plagiarizing than it is like taking an ongoing story and writing new plots, etc.

The only time I ever tried non-comics fanfic was a very short HP scene done as an experiment to see how challenging it is to write when you already have the world-map laid out for you (http://foresthouse.livejournal.com/448663.html). My conclusion: the hardest part is trying to stick to canon.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, and the very act of writing fanfiction is, by definition, departing from canon. I mean, there's departing and there's departing, but yeah.

[viorica8957.livejournal.com]

What about writers who build on existing legends? Like, say, Marion Zimmer Bradley or Donna Jo Napoli. They base their stories on existing legends, but the characters are pretty much their own creations with familiar names stamped on, they can (and have) changed plotlines, motivations, settings, etc. Is that still considered fanfiction?

[lylassandra.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of what some Christian songwriter said about using Biblical lyrics-- it's like plagiarism that everyone applauds.

[silversyren.livejournal.com]

http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/343719.html !!

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

I have somehow found a way to feel tired and wired at the same time--too edgy to sleep but too disgusted with life meh to do anything useful. I've been feeling that way, too. I haven't been sleeping, in fact I've had these wretched insomniac episodes for the past couple of weeks, and yet I wake up and bounce around like a loon (if loons can bounce), and then I get sick, feel like I've been hit by a train, and then collapse into bed when it's still only seven at night. And then the cycle repeats. I don't know if it's mood swings, impending senility, or just lack of sleep. Suffice it to say, I understand what you're saying completely.

*wanders to the podcasts* I'm this sort of freak in that I remember voices. I might remember someone's voice before I remember someone's face because of the weird way my brain is wired. (Don't even talk to me about the way my mind records music. Sometimes it's painful.) Anyway, because of this, I always like to hear people's voices, especially LJ friends who I don't actually know, because then it adds more color to what they write. The type isn't just type anymore, it's the person's voice. Does that make any sense? Who knows what I'm even saying, I'm running on two hours of sleep and a mocha coffee.

Wow, I had no idea that both of your journals had gotten so huge. Is that slightly terrifying? It's weird to think about, but your journal was one of the very first ones I added. I created mine in January of 2004, and a friend pointed me to something you'd written (what it was, I don't recall), but I remember because I literally had no idea what I was even doing here on LJ, and at the time I was really shy about adding people and/or commenting because I was like, "omgz what if they hate me?!," but you were nice to me anyway. :) And now I'm an LJ addict and say completely insane things everywhere without caring what anyone thinks, and your journal remains one of my favorites to read. Because you sprinkle it with sparkle-motion and awesome sauce.

Halloween is a good anniversary to have! Werewolf-tested, vampire approved. ...And I'm so done talking now.

[missmp.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that description of your mood swings had me cracking up, because that is exactly what I've been going through for the past couple of days. I think for me it's the shorter days, since I have SAD. Time to break out the sunlamp and drag my ass onto the exercise bike again!

re: The essay you linked. Of all nitpicky things, I take issue with her definition of "writer." I've never been published, but I've been making a living as a writer for five years now-- writing in fundraising, education, and travel. I write fiction too, but publishing is such a bitch of a business that I just don't want to ever have my rent money hinge on it. :-)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think someone in the comments does point out that she herself makes a living from writing without being concerned about writing professional fiction.

[venusad.livejournal.com]

....I'm not even sure when my lj was even started (sometime when I was in highschool, I know...)

I've never really felt comfortable writing fanfic. I don't like having to get into OTHER people's characters heads, because I don't feel like I can fully understand them. Also, there are rules in other universes (if you don't wany to be Smeyering Mary Suing it up all over the place.)
I hate rules other people make. It's confining, and if I want character a to do this, and character a cannot do that because character a never had that ability anyway...
Yeah. No fun.

But in writing original stories, it IS way harder. Word building is a pain, especially since I'm a person who just likes to write and write and figure it out as I go along. I don't think I'll ever be an abfab world builder, but I feel like if certain hacks we all know and remain insanely jealous of due to their sick luck and general lack of talent go their crap published....surely my head goblins should give it a go.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, see, that's why I've never written fanfic* at all. I'm too bossy. : )


* People refer to movie parodies as fanfic sometimes, which I think is selling fanfic itself a bit short--I think of "fanfiction" as literally that, a fictional narrative. I just write commentary.

By the way, according to your user profile, you started your journal on/at 2001-06-03 14:15:58. ; )

[robinmc.livejournal.com]

But once you know that you have a mood disorder, you start assuming that everything you feel is abnormal.

I know exactly what you mean. I was diagnosed with depression in high school, and even though it's been close to ten years, and I've been off meds for about three years, there are still times when I think to myself "ok, this is how I feel, but I shouldn't be feeling this way...should I?"

And of course there are still times when I'm depressed about something legitimate (crawling into bed after doing my taxes last year comes to mind) and it scares the crap out of my family.

Thanks for posting the thing about fanfic. It was fascinating. Lots to ponder.

[reynardine.livejournal.com]

Interesting link about fanfiction and original fiction. Fanfiction IS easier in that it gives you a jumpstart with set characters/setting and a ready-made audience. There is a lot of creativity and enjoyment to be found within those limits, but I think there comes a time when every fanfic writer wonders if s/he could make something out of scratch and have it be as good or better than the borrowed material s/he has been playing with.

The hardest part for me is lack of an audience on my original work. It's difficult to work day after day on something and not know if anyone is actually going to like or even understand what the whole thing is about.

[sound-of-bells.livejournal.com]

The other day I found myself mentally referencing something you wrote (no idea what it was) and then doing the math of when that would have been and realizing it was years ago. And then I felt old, despite the fact that I very much am not.

And the fanfic thing is very interesting. I tend to write fanfic very infrequently and it is almost always during one of those moments where I need to write something but for whatever reason my brain has broken and I am exhausted and say GOD DAMN IT I CANNOT THINK RIGHT NOW. Which is always kind of amusing to me, because I'll post them and depending on the size of the fandom I'll get a few or quite a few comments back that are all full of ridiculous praise, and while that's a very nice ego boost for once in a while my real writing is, um, a lot better. And nobody reads that. Which I guess is the way of the world. By which I mean, the internet.

[cosmob.livejournal.com]

"...there are 2,436 entries prior to this one, according to my user info, and most of them aren't tagged (*sob*)."

Okay, I just had an idea, but I don't know if it's a good one or not. Nevertheless... how would you feel if folks, if they have some time to kill and feel like reading back through some of your entries, commented on older posts with suggestions of tags? I mean, entries would still have to be manually tagged and such, but it seems like it might help speed up the process. That is, if you ever want to get your journal all tagged out.

I only ask because I thought I might try to do a few entries during down times at work, but then I realized I'd probably be overstepping my bounds as a reader and thought I should ask first.

[wumbawoman.livejournal.com]

Yay for posting every day in September!

[cherishedsaulie.livejournal.com]

Hello, My name is Michelle and I am asking if it's possible for me to do an interview with you. This is for my high school Writer's Craft assignment, where we have to conduct an interview with a professional writer, then write an article about it.

If you have any questions, you can contact me at dead0leaves@gmail.com

Thank you for your time, and I apologize in advance if this is the wrong time for this or if I broken some unspoken etiquette.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

No, no problem. Hang on and I'll email you.

[hulamoth.livejournal.com]

But what is there to be said about the unique difficulty that fanfiction has of writing a character and a world so that they are authentic to that world which was created by another author, all the while still maintaining your own voice as an author? I do not think that fanfiction is necessarily easier.

Consider also the task of working within a world that hasn't been properly built by the original author - perhaps there are plot inconsistencies or historical gaps - it's then your extra job as a fanfic author to make sense of that, and add to it in a credible fashion.

I think that the level of difficulty depends on the standard that an author sets for themselves, whether that be fanfiction or original fiction.

[dien.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, I really prefer writing fanfic in a world that was sloppily built by the author(s)-- there's so many fascinating little missing bits or questions to try and sort out!

[dien.livejournal.com]

I am ridiculously flattered that you linked to that post. *laughs* I was like "shit! Where are all these people coming from?"

Thank you, anyway! Glad my ramble was at least a little bit interesting.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Aw! Hee. Yeah, I actually read through the comments until I saw where you said it was okay to link.

I just really liked your post--it does a good job of dealing with a delicate point of contention, you know, the idea that both kinds of writers want respect for what they do and are afraid to yield any ground. What it reminded me of, the bit I mentioned in the entry, was a question someone asked me where they were (self-admittedly) trying to get me to say something about a, um, controversial fanfic writer gone pro. And what I was trying to get at (without even being this specific) is that most of the criticism of this girl's book (books? There may be more than one now) is that it reads like a mishmash of like two TV shows and a couple of movies or whatever. So what I was trying to say was, you know, if you're coming from a fanfic background, it's a trap anyone can fall into--relying on what you're used to writing about in fandom and not really having any practice at building your own worlds.

Which you articulated much more clearly. And with other examples as well! And in a way that might actually help other writers!

[reileen.livejournal.com]

So when you remove fandom from the equation, you're removing exactly what people came to fandom for in the first place: the characters and the worlds.

Yep. Been saying this for a while (though not so succinctly!), talking with other writer-friends of mine.

The context in which I came up with this, though, is slightly different. In my case, I write for a really tiny fandom that has next to nothing in canon, so there's a lot that I have to make up. Since I've been working with this fandom for at least eight or nine years now, it's gotten to the point where I've built up a veritable archive of backstories, worldbuilding, etc. etc. for the world of this fandom, so much so that any new person who comes into this fandom and reads my stuff will probably be like "Wtf? This isn't the fandom I'm looking for!" So the question is, then, why don't I just do a search-and-replace on the names and make it original and thus get it out to a wider audience?

The answer, which is more of a personal thing, is that the story won't read the same to me. The fandom, as tiny and insubstantial as it is, is still a starting point for me to get people to read these quasi-original fics of mine. And the whole reason I got into writing these detailed, fleshed out stories is because I loved the characters as I first saw them in the canon, and thus I wanted to do more with them. Changing them to original simply with a bit of MS Wordmagick personally feels like I'm betraying the whole purpose of me writing that story, though it may still read the same to other people.

(Did I make sense?)

[celli]

I totally, totally disagree about the crutch thing. Not that it can't happen, but it's not inevitable.

It can be as much of a challenge to write within an established universe as it is to create your own one. The common comparison is writing for a television show instead of your own screenplay; you can't just change someone's characterization or a rule of the universe because it makes your story better. You have to work around it instead. That takes skill too. Like sonnet structure versus blank verse versus prose. It's not better, not worse, just different.

[mercat.livejournal.com]

I love reading about other writer's issues... I think because sometimes I feel like the opposite to what people seem to be saying. I can world-build like crazy but I can't come up with good characters for shiiiiit. =/ I guess it's good that writing's not my primary medium then. =)

[dianesoprano.livejournal.com]

The weird part for me is that I actually did start 100% from scratch with my fanfic. I used bit-part characters and developed them into a story. The pay-off with fanfic is getting feedback, without which I don't seem to have the brass balls to push through bouts of writers block or those spots when my plot comes to a grinding halt.

I'm revising the fanfic and sorely tempted to post as I go, then self-publish (yay for public domain works fanfic) because professional writers also need agents and to be published and all that and I'm not sure I have it in me.

[ladyvoldything.livejournal.com]

In the upcoming weeks, I think you definitely should link to some of the old Lost recaps. They were so golden...

[highlystrung.livejournal.com]

See, this probably does not help much, but I find your confusion over whether your moods are normal or disorder caused actually somewhat reassuring. This is because navel-gazing is a favourite hobby of mine and whenever relatives or friends or internet people who have actual mood disorders start describing their lives or symptoms and I'm sitting here cataloguing it going, 'well, that's familiar, and that's familiar, and gee, that's familiar', I panic slightly. I know its unintentional, but you've reminded me of how important it is to take perspective filters into account. So, um. Thanks for reminding me to wake up to myself? ^^

(And also good luck hitting an even keel soon :) )

[broken-jigsaw.livejournal.com]

*invades*

i read your entries whenever i have time, and i usually just wait a few weeks and then binge on that wonderful lol's you give.

my favourite entries of yours, that i remember reading...was about the frog invasion in the pool! and the frogs "rawking" out in the trees. i laughed for ages.\

*slinks back off*

[manna]

"This is not a 'published fiction is better than fanfiction' post. It's a 'published fiction is harder than fanfiction' post."

It's always interesting reading about someone else's writing process. I'm pretty much the exact opposite, in that I've written original and fanfiction, and fanfiction is definitely harder for me. I find it far easier to have the total freedom to create whatever characters and settings I need for a story, than to work within the constraints of established canon and characters.