So... that happened

[cleolinda]

Okay, so, the VMAs, they were lame. Britney Spears came out and said "The show starts right now!" and then she sat down. Then Rihanna came out in a giant... tower... thing in a black (leather? pleather? vinyl?) corset-leotard and thigh-high boots that made her thighs look like hams and we all know they're not, it was so unfortunate, and she had a bunch of big-haired zombies with her, I don't know. Good song, though. Russell Brand was okay, but I can tell he would be funnier in his natural habitat. There was some running lameness about Jonas Brothers purity rings and Jordin Sparks jumped into it and said that promise rings are okay "because not everyone wants to be a slut" and everyone was like OH NO SHE DI-IN'T and I just don't even care. Michael Phelps did not look impressed. Like, about anything. And he came out (heroically backlit) wearing... headphones, for some reason. And everyone who was not wearing a leotard was either wearing painted-on tightpants or their pants were falling off, literally, like this one guy I didn't know because I am old literally had the entirety of his underwear hanging out, there was no "under" to the wear at all. The Jonas Brothers sat on some porch stoop out in the Paramount backlot with their vests and their bowties and then hundreds of screaming choreographed girls came racing out and I am pretty sure this was the point when security sneaked the Twilight kids into the building (a diversion!). So then the Twilight gang came out to introduce Paramore (yay!) and Russell Brand totally talked over Robert Pattinson, which I am pretty sure The Hair paid him to do so RPattz wouldn't have to talk, and somewhere all the Twihards are writing angry emails to MTV (no, I'm pretty sure they actually are) and their tears taste like candy. The Paramore chick was wearing yellow tightpants and her hair was hot pink this time instead of orange (hey, maybe she could play Jem in a movie or something. I would approve this) and they actually had fun. And then Pink was awesome, but then Pink always is; she wore an awesome big blue coat dress and then a black leotard that did not make her thighs look like large meats. Christina Aguilera lip-synched (and yet still schooled Britney from last year) and her dancers tore their clothes off, only to be even clothedier underneath, which is a waste of unclothingness, as far as I'm concerned. MTV had a bunch of different people taking turns to perform right before or after they went to commercial, just in a little area roped off somewhere in the auditorium (which, by the way, looked like it was being used between performances of someone's school play, and had an audience of like fifty bored industry insiders), and Katy Perry did "Like a Virgin" while wearing a yellow romper for about a minute and I nearly reached through the TV and punched her, and then LL COOL J SHOWED UP AND IT WAS AWESOME, and then it went back to sucking again. And I forget who called the new(ish?) Kid Rock song "Werewolves of Alabama," but that's totally what it sounds like. Paris Hilton and Pete Wentz and people from The Hills were there, but as far as I'm concerned, a condor swooped down and carried them away before I had to hear them talk. Then Britney won three pity awards, and Kanye West performed. And Russell Brand kept saying over and over how awesome the show was and how career-defining Katy Perry singing for ninety seconds was and how fantastic that episode of Sesame Street with the Jonas Brothers was and it was like if he kept saying it often enough, maybe we would believe it. I do not believe it, Russell Brand.

Comments

[smu.livejournal.com]

Holy wall of text, Batman!

[trash-addict.livejournal.com]

Man, I'd love to see what you could do with the Eurovision Song Contest.

[hollywdliz.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD. Me too. I would contribute to a fund dedicated to the cause of making this happen. Cleo might be even better than Terry Wogan. ... Although I think if they teamed up for the mockery, the world might implode of awesomeness.

[serenity-winner.livejournal.com]

This is my favorite wall of text ever.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Are you sure? Because it's a specialty of mine. I'm sure I've done better than this at some point.

[jettcat.livejournal.com]

What is this em tea vee dee you speak of?

[taragel.livejournal.com]

Ha! I turned on VMAs just in time to see that underwear guy with his whole ass hanging out and just gave up and turned the damn thing off. I was sorry I missed Pink and Paramore but you know, thank god for youtube, right?

Oh and I saw a snippet of Britney winning an award (how the hell did she win anything? Does she even still make music?) and 10 seconds of Katy Perry singing Like a Virgin and doing some weird banana-peeling move with part of her top and then they smash-cut to commercial like practically in the middle of a word. And Russell Brand was nervous and flopsweatting all over the place. That show is too weird.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there was a point during the political portion of his opening monologue where he was just dying out there. Maybe because the bored industry audience laughed AT NOTHING.

[schmoo999.livejournal.com]

Did Michael Phelps introduce anyone? The ipod thing is that he wore one walking to the pool before all 8 eight of his races at the Olympics. I think he said what artists he liked to listen to to pump him up before the race start.

I guess watching True Blood on HBO was the better choice:)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I think theoretically he introduced someone or something. I may have repressed who, though.

[poppingummies.livejournal.com]

This post alone makes me wish I had seen it.

[sideofzen.livejournal.com]

No, really, you don't.

[orca-girl.livejournal.com]

Aw, I'm kind of sorry you cut-tagged it. There was something really impressive about it. I was kind of imagining you speaking it out in one long, pause-less rant.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Which is how you should read it. I can uncut it, though. I felt like people wanted it cut? I'm not sure. I'm going to go self-medicate with cake now.

[gossymer.livejournal.com]

You actually made me want to watch the darn thing O_O

[diner]

So then the Twilight gang came out to introduce Paramore (yay!) and Russell Brand totally talked over Robert Pattinson, which I am pretty sure The Hair paid him to do so RPattz wouldn't have to talk, and somewhere all the Twihards are writing angry emails to MTV (no, I'm pretty sure they actually are) and their tears taste like candy.

HAHHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!

[brigid31.livejournal.com]

This show was so uneven. Like I think some of the musical acts rocked (Paramore, Pink, Christina - even lipsyncing she rocks) but then Katy Perry sang "Like a Virgin" and it was rage inducing.

Russel Brand seemed like knew he was bombing and didn't really seem to care.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Hey, well, at least he knew.

[redpistolet.livejournal.com]

"And I forget who called the new(ish?) Kid Rock song "Werewolves of Alabama," but that's totally what it sounds like."

Seriously. I can't listen to that song without getting so terribly confused.


And I'm irked that RPattz got squashed. I wanted the pretty accent. /sigh.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I just had this feeling that it was going to be terribly awkward, so when he got talked over I was actually kind of relieved for him.

[melaneynickel.livejournal.com]

I love your wall of text.

And yes - plenty of twi-boppers are writing to MTV and commenting and making anti-Brand Facebook groups and ETC. It's funny. but you're right - he was probably relieved to not have to talk - or he paid Brand to talk over him.

I enjoy your posts so much!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks. I knew the moment that it happened that the Twihards would freak the hell out, because they haven't had anything to write angry petitions about in at least four days.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

underpants dude is Lil' Wayne. He's the Hottest Rapper In The World right now. I really don't get it, but then, I am also old.

[redpistolet.livejournal.com]

Me too...
Nasty boxer briefs.

[incogra.livejournal.com]

I forgot the VMAs existed. I'm taking that as a sign of personal growth.

[quitesometime.livejournal.com]

I am so glad I was too busy shopping for Disney pins on eBay to watch this. Not worth the time or headaches I would've gotten by following it on ontd.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, last I heard there were 3500 comments over there. They've probably maxed out at 5000 and moved on a new entry.

[hysteric-style.livejournal.com]

I didn't watch the VMAs but as a semi-fan of Russell Brand I can tell you that he's always sort of awkward and unamusing when he's doing standup/monologues. I only ever find him really funny when he's having playful banter with someone funnier than he is. Which is why I was wary of his hosting an award show.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

He actually did really, really well playing off LL Cool J. Something about buying lingerie together and wearing it.

[edda.livejournal.com]

And I forget who called the new(ish?) Kid Rock song "Werewolves of Alabama," but that's totally what it sounds like.

YES. YES WITH KNOBS ON. And unlike "Werewolves of London", oh my GOD do I hate it.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

It was someone on SF, to give it proper (semi-)credit.

[gracefallson-me.livejournal.com]

yeah, they BLEW so bad. i wouldn't be surpised if the culmination of Russell Brand and this horrible show was the demise of MTV for good!

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

I taped it so that I could fast-forward to the good stuff. Mainly Rihanna, because Disturbia is an addictively awesome song, and the Jonas Brothers.

Again, I admit it. JB sang my favorite song off their new album. The love, it is not ending.

Little did I expect we would get Twilightwank. LULZ. This post was epic, as your walls of text always are!

[silamai.livejournal.com]

"and Katy Perry did "Like a Virgin" while wearing a yellow romper for about a minute and I nearly reached through the TV and punched her"

I would've too. Katy Perry + Madonna = me killing peeps.

[ipuchan.livejournal.com]

i read about the twicast being on the vma's just in time to catch them on the repeat, i'll watch pink's performance tomorrow, but poor Rpattz!

But russell brand REALLY wasn't making any friends, it was TOTALLY the wrong crowd for his humour, but my mom and i were rolling on the ground laughing! o man! poor JoBros going to have to answer questions about if they were angry with that stuff etc for the next 3 weeks. lol at it as a whole tho :D

[dolphinaunt.livejournal.com]

and then LL COOL J SHOWED UP AND IT WAS AWESOME THANK YOU!!!

Then Britney won three pity awards,
agreed. I definitely saw them as pity awards.

Oh and I was a bit upset that RPattz got talked over. gggrrr but Kellan!!

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

You're like Tivo - you watch, so I don't have to! ;-)

Thanks for summarizing - I'm sure your summary was way more exciting than the broadcast. Thanks for the commentary! :-)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Man, I wish I had Tivo.

[spectralbovine.livejournal.com]

The Paramore chick was wearing yellow tightpants and her hair was hot pink this time instead of orange (hey, maybe she could play Jem in a movie or something. I would approve this) and they actually had fun.
Oh! If you find YouTube of this, can you link? That sounds worth watching.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'll link it if I do. Viacom may police bootlegs, though, I don't know. Actually, MTV may actually put up clips.