Guilt: it's what's for dinner (and lunch. And breakfast)

[cleolinda]

I'm going to go ahead and post my psychiatric meeblings here, separate from the linkspam and general account of the day, so that if you want to skip them, you can. Basically, it's a followup to the posts about the dream--the bottom line of what I think's going on. With my life, I mean, not the dream itself.

I think I need to pay laurelin_kit for therapy, because in the course of talking with her last night, I realized--in a concrete way that I never really had before--that my big problem, my basic response to any situation, is to feel guilty about it. And I think (I said, in the course of thinking out loud), it may have started when I was in school, very young, and I was the teacher's pet, and because I liked to write stories, everyone began to treat me like some kind of legend in the making, I don't know. I actually had a high school teacher who was talking about how Shakespeare has no known heirs, "unless maybe [Cleo] is one." And she gave me the sweetest, most genuine "I believe in you" smile, and I wanted to die. I got labeled the smartest girl in school (exhibit A: "Most Intellectual" in the Who's Who), even though I'm terrible at math and science, wasn't the valedictorian (or anywhere near it), and didn't take the hardest classes. For whatever reason, I feel like everywhere I go, people create this legend around me that I never live up to, and the moment I have to face that fact in some concrete way, I fall apart.

I actually think this is part of why I have trouble finishing projects, because as long as they're not finished, I haven't disappointed anyone yet. Except that then I feel guilty for not finishing them. Because guilt is my default response to every situation. I feel guilty that I didn't make higher grades, that I melted down my senior year in college and flunked out of a couple of things, that I disappointed my professors in the process, that I didn't apply for grad school, that I waited a year to go at all, that I then went to the closest program nearby instead of the prestigious ones my professors wanted me to try out for, that I never finished grad school, that I had a French-Spanish major in college and I've never used my degree at all, that I wasn't the publishing wunderkind they expected me to be at age 16 (or 20, or 25, or nearly 30 now, or...), that I can't drive, that I'm overweight, that I'm so codependent on my mother, that I'm frittering my life away, that I've been frittering my life away for so long.

Here's the problem. I mean, the bigger problem: my response, in turn, to feeling guilty is to collapse in on myself and feel paralyzed. And then I feel guilty for making it worse. And then I collapse in on myself some more. And then I feel guilty some more. And then... you get the picture. The interesting thing is that I don't feel guilty about being bipolar per se--as y'all have noted, I'm very clear that it's a biological, neurological illness, and I don't see any need or reason to be ashamed of it. It's like diabetes: you do what you have to do, you take what you have to take, you deal with it. But I do feel guilty, I realize now, about the way I deal with it. Even though I don't feel any guilt or shame about having depression per se, I really, really hate for people to see me in the middle of it, like I feel like I should be fighting it harder or something, and I know they'll feel I should be, too. I feel guilty for being so weak in the grip of it, not for having it in the first place, I guess; I feel so awful about handling depression badly that clearly (I decide) I'm worthless and hopeless, and then I feel even guiltier for giving up so easily. So I tend to lie about it. I tend to pretend that everything's okay, and I'm really good at that, particularly since I go into Keeping Up Appearances mode when I'm around other people. I lie about it and I don't seek help.

And here's why I'm telling you this: I don't think I've ever realized that, in so many words, every problem in my life, every way I find to sabotage myself, boils down to feeling some kind of guilt about something, probably everything, and letting it spiral out of control--I create ways to feel guilty, I metastasize guilt. It's like realizing that you don't have a dozen stupid little aches and pains and common colds; you have a cancer, a specific tumor, that's causing all of it. And that cancer is not fatal. You may have to dig to get down to that tumor, and it may have its roots in you pretty deep, but now that you know you have this tumor, it's time to focus on it and try to get it out. I don't know how, exactly--it will probably involve some therapy, even if that therapy is just me writing in my diary or inflicting it on you fine people--but I am going to have to find a way to recognize when I'm killing myself with pointless guilt and change that behavior. I don't know if I'm going to have to forcibly replace thoughts with some kind of positive mantra or what, but I am going to have to stop feeling guilty about every damn little thing if I am going to move on with my life. And at the same time, I'm going to have to accept responsibility for all these things--to accept the idea that I'm the only one who can change them, I'm the only one who can move myself forward, but without feeling guilty about not having done it sooner, or trying to do it now, or not immediately succeeding. I am going to have to reach some zen mindset that now is all that matters, forward is all that matters, and everything else is forgiven.

(Note: Somehow, I was raised Baptist, not Catholic. I know, I'm surprised too.)

Comments

[laurelin-kit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad this is all coming to the surface. I've had to deal with mannny many friends with depression and none of them seemed to want to deal with it and get it out like you do. The most important part is that you're realizing it now and you can move forward, and you could even think of it that this will help you be even more determined now that you know what it can do.

[to-no-avail.livejournal.com]

Cleo, I wish you all the best in your emotional journey. Reading this has let me know that there are others out there who go through similar situations as I am.

I hope my words of encouragement can help you, as much as reading your work everyday has helped me.

Keep on keeping on.
<3 Niki

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

I have to admit that I have not been following your journal as closely as I probably should be before I start flapping my mouth. Caution, however, has never been my watchword, so here goes.

First of all, you're right. From reading this, I agree that you have a very specific problem, and you need to work on eliminating it from your life, because I do the same thing - if I don't write, I can't fail and therefore no one who thinks I AM a writer will be disappointed, so no guilt no foul. Even though, to facilitate this, I'm creating huge problems in my life (ie, I'm so busy that I can't shake anything off, I'm so dedicated to my job/my laundry/my whatever that I single-focus right into a meltdown, etc) rather than writing, the point is that if I don't write, I can't fail.

So I guess I would ask you why it matters if you don't live up to what people have said? I mean, shit, however good anyone is, being asked to live up to Shakespeare? I'm not trying to diss on you, I'm asking if that's reasonable to say to anyone. You can't know English without knowing Shakespeare, frankly. The urge not to disappoint is huge, but - are you still in contact with that teacher? Does her opinion really matter to your daily life?

If you're living your life without her opinion now, why are you still carrying around her opinion of you then?

And I think that everyone you care for couldn't possibly be disappointed by you (unless you started chopping up bodies and hiding them under the stairs). I hope you find the peace to live your life free of the belief that people will love you or not based on what you're doing rather than who you are, and that that, in turn, lets you find the courage to write, and fuck what anyone else thinks about your talent - your writing is for you. If you're not writing to please yourself, first and foremost, you're engaging in a task, not writing.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

I actually agree with this. Plus, Cleo - you've already been writing in this blog - and I think a lot of what you say is brilliant. So you already have accomplished something, though it may not be what you intended. I think you're really insightful and have a really talent for that. That probably helps you as a writer, as you're able to express your insights well. So write to please yourself, write to entertain us - but don't feel obligated to live up to anyone's expectations. They aren't based on anything real. And the people who matter most will love you regardless of any of it.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

In general, I think you mostly live up to people's good opinion of you (or they wouldn't maintain that opinion, you know?). I know that won't change the guilt thing, but maybe it helps to be told that once in a while?

Also, you don't have a responsibility to live up to what you imagine is someone's opinion of you in any case.

(Note: Somehow, I was raised Baptist, not Catholic. I know, I'm surprised too.)

Well, but your grandma is the Pope, so there's that?

[mckennl.livejournal.com]

Another thing to remember is that the perfect is the enemy of the good.

[sigma7.livejournal.com]

Ha! It's that lesser-known demon of Baptist guilt ("Number two, but we try harder!").

Guilt can be short-circuited by pure rationality -- it's one of those forces on our life with a much more negative hook, it can be motivational, but more often than not it's simply paralytic. And yet so little of our lives is grounded in rationality, so that's not much comfort. And that's just generic Sav-Mor brand guilt, not New Improved Artist's Guilt, Futility-scented, now with 30% more languid introspection....

The problem with potential is that we feel like we have some obligation to the rest of the world, that our achievements when democratized are somehow magnified, and I'm not sure they really are. I know the creators -- artists, musicians, film-makers -- in my life have an effect and it's not insignificant, but at the same time, I'd want them to be self-satisfied, too. Their effect, our effect on others can occasionally resonate profoundly (oh God that's an awkward phrase), but it pales in comparison to one's effect on the self, no matter who that one is.

Can't tell you to not feel guilty because, well, we know it doesn't work that way. I can tell you that the burden of who we could be and who people think we should be will break our backs every day. We have to move on from that. And you know that. It's just a matter of putting it into that proper perspective, but doing so every single damn day -- well, as many days as possible, anyway. Some days it's just not going to happen, and that's survivable.

Guilt's also one of those emotions that's not going to change anything for the better, all Batman scenarios to the contrary. I know that's just rationality again, though. But if it helps for just a few of those days, hey, maybe that'll be enough.

All the best to you, yours, and your perishable items.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Very well written and thought out.

Guilt is a funny thing. There is such thing as paralyzing guilt and I have found myself on that merry-go-round. The first step to getting off is recognizing the behavior and the second is changing it.

Good Luck and I am thinking good thoughts for you.

[dramedy.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's pretty similar to how I feel on a day to day basis. I feel like even being bipolar or what ever I am, is something I should be able to take care of. I was the responsible one, the girl with all the answers in high school, the girl who was never wrong. and now that I'm out in college and the real world and making those mistakes, and trying to fly that fact that I keep falling, keep screwing it up, is all my fault. My sister's stupid behavior is my fault, my brother's general dislike of me, my fault. Every time my parents worry about money, it's my fault. And no, they'd never dream of blaming me, but I do. I blame myself for my lack of self control, my inability to save money, my parents finances, my sister's finances, everything is my fault. and I have to fix it. I have to make my sister see that the guy she's dating is an ass, if I don't and she gets her heart broken, my fault. My art isn't good enough, so I put off drawing things that are do to the last minute so I don't have time to worry or feel guilty about it.

I...never even realized that until now.

I'm not sure this is exactly what you meant, but I really understand where you're coming from with the collapsing in every time something goes wrong. and if you find a coping tool, please let me know.

Just reading what you're going through has brought me many insights into my own mental problems, and I want to thank you a lot. I mean it. You've helped me slowly understand a lot of these problems. Thank you.

[zelle999.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should be fighting it harder or something, and I know they'll feel I should be, too. I feel guilty for being so weak in the grip of it...I feel so awful about handling depression badly that clearly (I decide) I'm worthless and hopeless, and then I feel even guiltier for giving up so easily.

Wow. I could have written the above.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had great words of advice for you but I'm in a similar boat. Guilt over the great potential that I never lived up to, etc.

I hope you find something that works for you. You are very talented and smart. But remember that the only person you owe ANYTHING to is yourself.

it's a guilty pleasure reading your entries...

[discogravy.livejournal.com]

I feel guilty just reading this.

[spectralbovine.livejournal.com]

You know, I kind of understand this. I definitely identify with the "not wanting to disappoint anyone" part.

Mostly, I just wanted to let you know I read this. I don't think I have anything useful or helpful to say, but I'm glad you've identified your tumor and named it Marla. Now for the psychotherapeutic chemo.

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this has been recommended to you in the past, but I've found The Feeling Good Handbook (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326) to be really helpful with self-cognitive therapy. Title aside, it's written by a professional in the field of psychiatrics, and everything I've read in it has been massively helpful in dealing with my own depression.

*offers stranger-hugs?*

[prettyh.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god.

I could have written this entry. You have words for something I've never been able to say quite as eloquently.

Thank you. And I hope realizing means you're one step closer to shedding the guilt. And maybe, someday, the same will be true for me too.

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

Oh my sweet Lord. I may have to pay laurelin_kit too, because...I think this is me, too. I mean really, really you and I seem to have the same issues and react to them the same way. Haven't found a job yet? Feel guilty because you haven't looked hard enough! Haven't gotten enough sleep last night? Feel guilty because you couldn't get your brain to stop thinking about that book you read earlier when you tried to sleep! Haven't...well, you get the point. And the whole feeling-paralyzed-and-not-finishing-things-because-what-if-I-fail thing? WHY HELLO THAR, SELF.

Seriously, is there group therapy for guilt-allieviation? We might have to go together.

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

P.S. Also I could have the most productive day in the entire universe, and I will still be frustrated with myself for all the things I haven't gotten done. *rolls eyes*

[stringertheory.livejournal.com]

I understand where you're coming from. In fact, it's almost exactly like me. Everyone looked at me as something special when I was younger (I work in car insurance now... do I tell anyone?... noooo). I, too, have a default setting of 'guilt.' I swear, I feel guilty over feeling guilty; it's some crazy cycle. (I have to admit, I sniggered over Somehow, I was raised Baptist, not Catholic. I know, I'm surprised too. 'cause I always joke about that.) You're not alone in this, that's for sure. :D

But YAY for everything becoming clearer. It's always helpful to understand yourself better, especially in a situation where the misunderstanding may be leading to other problems. I'm sure you'll figure it all out. (And you are wonderful, just the way you are, right now. Honestly, you're one of the funniest people I've ever met. And that's saying something.)

And go ahead a write it out. Do whatcha gotta do. Write it out, girl, write it out. :p

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Are you sure your not me? Damn. *HUGS*

[noseyroser.livejournal.com]

And here's why I'm telling you this: I don't think I've ever realized that, in so many words, every problem in my life, every way I find to sabotage myself, boils down to feeling some kind of guilt about something, probably everything, and letting it spiral out of control--I create ways to feel guilty, I metastasize guilt. It's like realizing that you don't have a dozen stupid little aches and pains and common colds; you have a cancer, a specific tumor, that's causing all of it.

I firmly believe that we, each of us, create every single thing, good and bad in our lives. Thoughts are things. And thinking 'I'm worthless, I'm a piece of crap, I shouldn't, I ought to, I wish I wasn't..." creates a whooole bunch of negative crap.

Here's a homework assignment: Just think this:

I love you.
Please forgive me.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.

(Yes, I know it sounds a little crazy.) The thing is, it actually works.

http://www.mrfire.com/article-archives/new-articles/worlds-most-unusual-therapist.html

I tried it, I should know. I want to just say that I really admire your bravery in posting these kinds of things. It's not easy to take a good hard look at oneself.

[magli.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those quiet fans you probably have tons of, but I thought I'd break the silence for once here. I know you can't just stop feeling guilty over those things, and that advice from people you've never met maybe isn't the best advice available, but it's okay to feel guilt. I always try to think that when I feel less than well, so to speak, that those feelings are there no matter what, and it isn't fun, but it is the way it is. And of course, you have no reason to feel guilt, at all, but you shouldn't feel guilty over feeling guilt. Even if it is irrational guilt.
And hey, I can't drive either. Let's just say we're doing our share for the environment. Al Gore would just LOVE us. :)
Also, I've been reading your journal for ever (Lost season one, to be more specific) and you seem like a really wonderful person. Cheesy as it sounds :)

[mein-zwitter.livejournal.com]

You've just written everything I've been trying to express myself for a long time now - and much more eloquently than I ever could have at that! Same reactions to a lot of the same situations and everthing.

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from this, but I'm very glad that you're making these concrete realizations; it sounds like you're on the right path. Finding the will to even want to acknowledge the problem is a huge battle in itself, so it's wonderful that you're so determined to tackle it.

Writing can be a terrific form of therapy, as you know. I just started keeping a written journal again for the first time in two years, and I feel like pouring everything onto those pages has opened my eyes in so many ways. It may be hard at times, and it may feel like you're taking a step backward at certain moments (at least that's what I've been experiencing), but it's all worth it in the end when you can step back and say, "okay, I've dealt with that issue. I can move on to something else now."

Best wishes to you, Cleo. Your readers will always be around for you if things start to get too tough. :)

[elisa0984.livejournal.com]

Adding self to the chorus of "Me too." Good luck with your plans Cleo.

(I wandered over to your fiction press account last night. Can't recall the reason but I loved Beaches and Cuba.)

[heyorion.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you've had this realisation - it sounds like it has really helped you, and will continue to really help you. Yay Cleo!

[gannet-guts.livejournal.com]

It appears you have a lot of mind twins (including myself). I also do the self sabotage thing because I fear I won't live up to the impossibly high standards I set for myself. Damn perfectionists.

[word-herder.livejournal.com]

Baptists are way worse than Catholics at the whole guilt-tripping thing.

*grew up somewhat Baptist too and totally relates with the whole self-guilt-tripping thing*

Religion has a weird way of latching onto depressive disorders and making them worse. I find myself thinking God hates me during my worst depressive episodes.

[cesario.livejournal.com]

For whatever reason, I feel like everywhere I go, people create this legend around me that I never live up to, and the moment I have to face that fact in some concrete way, I fall apart.

I actually think this is part of why I have trouble finishing projects, because as long as they're not finished, I haven't disappointed anyone yet. Except that then I feel guilty for not finishing them. Because guilt is my default response to every situation.

Alright, 'fess up. You're actually ME, aren't you.

Somehow, I was raised Baptist, not Catholic.

Yup, me too.

[cmdr-zoom.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[rhodynne.livejournal.com]

Catholic nothing, are you sure you're not Jewish?
I've had life-long depression, most of what you say rings so clear to me. My thing is responsibility. Then guilt. I took care of my dad, but I don't help my Mom. I didn't take good enough care of my dad, and I do everything for my mom with no thanks. I have to take care of everyone, otherwise I'm just wasted space.
And since I don't do anything well enough, I'm guilty of simply taking up space and making other people take care of me when I get too depressed to function. blah, blee, etc.
Cognitive therapy works very well for some people. It can be just as simple as hearing the bad thought and replacing it with a good thought. For some of us, that wasn't even an option. Look into Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. It started as a program for Borderline PD, but has expanded its door a bit to include many people with...nuts, its called something like Unspecified Anxiety Disorders. Its a program that works to help us change the way we identify emotions, and the way we approach the world. For those of us that fall back on a purely emotional response or a purely intellectual response, it gives tools to try and accept feelings as right, because they're yours and therefore true to you; and not to hide behind an intellect to avoid any feelings at all.
Its not as easy as it sounds, of course.
I'm going far too long, if you're at all interested in more, feel free to email me.
If for no other reason, I appreciate you talking about this cause it gives me a chance to fuss about my own crap.
:-D

[rhodynne.livejournal.com]

duh
Rhodynne@aol.com

[metonymy.livejournal.com]

Try being Jewish and Catholic. The guilt is back-breaking.

I find what helps me as far as getting past the paralyzing guilt is asking myself what is truly the worst that can happen. Disappointing people will suck, disappointing myself will suck, but... it is unlikely that my failures are going to result with me dead in a ditch or anything. I'm still trying to teach myself to get past the fear, but this has helped a lot. I hope this doesn't come off as a "this will fix it" comment, just... another variant on the me-too. I think it's a great first step that you've figured this out, though - identifying this fear has got to be hugely important for you. ♥

[hayet.livejournal.com]

I'm in therapy now to deal with pretty much the exact same thing. You could have been describing me. I finally decided last month that I am leaving my job and changing careers entirely because I'm only doing research because everyone else expected me to, including me. Except it's not what I *want* to do anymore, and I've sabotaged myself into really, really sucking at it. *l* So I empathize with you completely and wish you luck. :)

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

Most raised-Baptists that I know are far more into guilt trips than the raised-Catholics. (And they're all fine people, too.)

I totally relate, and I think that there's a connection with ADHD as well here. I've read about how some people with ADHD seem attached to seemingly negative emotions, like depression, anxiety, or guilt, because it's organizing. I have anxiety disorders, and I recently realized that I actually scan for things to be anxious about because it motivates my scattered mind and gives me something to organize around. I heard of a lady who had been trying to finish her thesis for years on end, not because she really wanted to finish it, but because "I've gotta write my thesis!" was the only constant in her life.

It might be worth pointing out that post-partum depression is normal after finishing a big project

I think I said something similar to what you wrote to you a while ago when you were frustrated that you hadn't finished Black Ribbon, and I kind of got shot down for it, but I think the way I phrased it was rude and I apologize.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I don't remember it, but apology accepted.

[shesnotallthere.livejournal.com]

Do you think that maybe the strong sense of guilt stems *from* the bipolar disorder? I've often wondered about this, because so many people I know that suffer from depression and other mood disorders ALL have similar stories. They recall feeling terribly guilty for being praised or reprimanded as far back as grade school, they recall feeling paralyzed with guilt over family squabbles (even ones they weren't involved in), they all dealt with the guilt resulting from their various diagnoses...

If irrational or overwhelming guilt is the product of a mood disorder, it would explain why you can't "logic away" the guilt...the chemical storm in your brain precludes it. And if that's true, then it's a symptom just like lack of appetite or lethargy, and you might want to keep track of it. If you find you feel less guilty in the next few weeks, for instance, that might indicate that reducing the Zoloft was a good idea.

[word-herder.livejournal.com]

This was something we talked about a lot in my faith and psychology class (Best Class Ever--we watched Robert Duvall's movie The Apostle and couldn't decide if he was playing a crazy character or not). And I read an article about how partial seizures and migraines can affect any part of the brain and can cause the sufferer to feel any range of sensation, from physical pain to emotional distress and even to overwhelming guilt. They made an interesting note that the guilt tended to be associated with the person's faith, and though they were careful to sidestep the obvious argument that faith and belief are all chemical reactions in the brain, they stated that the activity in such areas during migraine and partial seizure episodes were dramatically increased.

So I wonder, why should it be any different during an anxiety or panic attack? Or during a manic or depressive episode? Forget the moon. Forget Mars. Our brains are unknown territory.

[rahrahmah.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way about things undone=things not failed at, but in addition to my fear of failure, I also have this horrible fear of success. Success means responsibility, and having to do EVEN MORE things, and EVEN MORE expectations. What a lose-lose situation, eh?

[oxymoron67.livejournal.com]

I totally empathize.

I frequently am paralyzed when it comes to life stuff.

I realized a while ago that part of it is that failure is easier than success. If you fail, no expectations. I try to fight this, and I even succeed sometimes. But sometimes... not so much.

[clodia-risa.livejournal.com]

I know...perhaps not quite as keenly, but too keenly for my taste, what you mean. I don't really want to go into details, but your post is ringing true.

[strega42.livejournal.com]

Everyone else so far seems to have covered a lot of what I would say quite well, so I just want to add a couple of tidbits.

One is from my ADHD book I was given recently:
"We keep telling ourselves we have to try harder. This is like being on a bus to New York when you want to go to Los Angeles and screaming at the driver to drive faster." Trying *harder* is pointless. Try *something else*.

The other things are comments a friend of mine has made about guilt that she pulls out:
"Black market guilt - no one's selling, so why are you buying?"
"I don't have a passport for a guilt trip" - this is the one she uses on family.

And I won't even go into all my "OMG that's just like me only my diagnosis is ADHD" because you've already said it. :)

*hugs*

[elbales]

When you reach that Zen mindset, tell me, because I want to get directions. :/

Seriously, it takes courage to write things like this. Thank you. And I wish you the best.

[syneblue.livejournal.com]

Okay, just to throw this out, in specific regards to your writing: finished is better than perfect.

So, so many, in fact, I will say ALL, of my favorite books have, to me, flaws. Some are more serious than others, some are pretty bad, actually, but they are still my favorite books, because all of them are sincere. I adore The Golden Compass, but I pretend the Subtle Knife doesn't exist, and don't get me started on The Amber Spyglass...but the point is, nothing Pullman wrote, or will write, will ever make me like The Golden Compass less. Same with C.S. Lewis, same with Jane Austen, even my trio of modern writer-goddesses, Alice Hoffman, Robin McKinley, and Sherwood Smith, have written books that I have violently HATED, but I don't care, and never will care, because their good works are, well, good.

So don't be afraid to publish something that someone will think sucks, because it will not Ruin You Forever. Your bibliography is not like your Regency Era Purity Status. You don't get kicked out of polite literature because you were seen driving alone together with a plothole.

Take it from the Church of Baseball: who cares if you strike out the first two times, if you get a home run on the third?

[narfzz.livejournal.com]

I agree with laurelin_kit. I have friends who are in denial that they are in depression. One tried to to kill herself twice and STILL doesn't think she has a disorder or problem.

It's a step ahead that you're self reflecting and admitting that, this is what I do and I need to take steps to change. I really hope all goes well for you. Sorry, I don't have much of an advice or opinion to give you but I really wanted to say that I support you. Even though I'm just a stranger among the many on the web.

*hugs*

[clovecigarettes.livejournal.com]

I actually think this is part of why I have trouble finishing projects, because as long as they're not finished, I haven't disappointed anyone yet. Except that then I feel guilty for not finishing them.
I am totally like that, too! I also think that's why I'm more of the "jack of all trades, master of none"-type.

[rorqual.livejournal.com]

It's interesting; it's almost as if you're describing two different sets of things: the situations you can do something about, and the ones you can't. And I wonder if there are two different approaches for them - one, a practical, "Okay, how do I do what it takes to learn to drive/finish a project/get X done", and the other about managing your expectations for yourself - because realistically speaking, you may disappoint people, or they may expect things which are unreasonable - or you might write your backside off and not get published no matter how good you are, or a ton of things which are entirely out of your control. I have a friend who sometimes gets really overwhelmed just by *life*, and so gets bogged own and depressed and just can't deal with anything, and part of his therapy involved a very practical, "Okay, when this happens, you will make a list, and this is the sort of thing that goes on the list, and this is what you will do to accomplish this list, whether you want to or not". For some things, it wasn't about how to feel, or manage how he felt, but just to recognize the situation, and *act* - and let the action lead him to a point where he can look around and say, "Oh, okay, I can do this now."

Anyway - I am not well-versed in therapy so can not be helpful on that angle - and the comments already indicate that you are liked and respected and people find you both talented and worthwhile (because getting people to care about you just by using words is a pretty powerful gift, which you have chosen not to use for evil). And I think it's less that we are kind for listening to you, than you are amazingly strong for opening yourself up to, by and large, a bunch of strangers on the internet, who offer you unsolicited comments like the above...but if there's something useful a total stranger on LJ can do for you, let me know...I am master at Google searches...:)

I've always found Baptists to be more about shame than guilt, so you at least dodged that bullet. :)

[sea-of-tethys.livejournal.com]

Even though I don't feel any guilt or shame about having depression per se, I really, really hate for people to see me in the middle of it, like I feel like I should be fighting it harder or something, and I know they'll feel I should be, too.

I never realised this, but I feel exactly the same way. I'm not ashamed to say that I have depression but I'm incredibly embarrassed when other people see me having a bad day. I don't want anyone else to see what it actually looks like.

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

I've said this before, but I really, honestly do respect you. I've been reading your journal entries, funny or introspective, for the past couple of years now, and you have so much that you give just to us reading it. I wish I could say more to you in response to what you've written recently, but I haven't been able to form the words properly.

I actually think this is part of why I have trouble finishing projects, because as long as they're not finished, I haven't disappointed anyone yet. Except that then I feel guilty for not finishing them. Oh, I am soooo with you there, Cleo. I'm guilty of this all the time.

And frittering your life away is scary. I'm almost 22 myself, got sick, had to drop out of college, can't drive, depend completely on my supportive but very over-wrought mother, and have not been getting better (in fact, my health is still declining), and it's frightening. I vacillate between being afraid and being angry, when I allow myself to dwell on it. And I've had to come to the point where I can breathe and not think about it, because I didn't used to be that kind of person. When it came to school and life and doing well, I was very Hermione-ish about it. If that makes sense? Emotionally, I've always been pretty easily contented and happy, but am also very sensitive and insecure, but when it came to actual work, I did my damndest to do well, and having that halted involuntarily has been very hard for me to accept. And I often feel guilty, like I did it on purpose, even though feeling that way is totally unfounded. I still do it. Being zen now is what I try to strive towards. To just make it from one morning to the next and not emotionally and mentally slaughter myself. It's getting easier, but that doesn't make it simple. I wish you the very best, always, in everything you want and everything you try to do.

[re-weird.livejournal.com]

I know this comment is coming about a year after this was written, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this, because seeing all this written down really helped me out.