Sunday night already?

[cleolinda]

Sigh. Have been deeply depressed the last few days, but I think that might be because I ran out of medication (oh, you think?), and that tends to be the side effect of more than a day's withdrawal. And by "deeply depressed" I just mean lying on the sofa, feeling unmotivated, feeling worthless and futureless, that kind of thing. You get to the point where you have to find some kind of spark inside yourself and say, no matter what happens, I have to protect this. I can't let this down. For me, that spark is my writing--just in the sense that if I died tomorrow (a car accident, a freak lightning strike, a condor swooped down and carried me off, I don't know), all of these stories that are mostly finished in my head but not in print, not even typed out and hashed out to completion--no one would ever see them. I mean, my own mother would be sitting at my computer, reading these things and she'd get halfway through and they just wouldn't finish; I hate the idea that even a handful of people, friends or family, would see my writing after I was dead and there'd be no ending to these things. I've got to see these stories through, no matter how unhappy or lonely I am in the meantime, and I don't mean that in a melodramatic way--we have jobs we hate, we have relationships that don't work out, we have disappointments. It's like living for your children--I have to live for these things I've started but not finished. Whenever you feel like crawling into a hole and staying there, you have to think of something that would drive you crazy if you didn't do it, or see it, or finish it.

So, to that end, and to veer dramatically to a more concrete subject, I went and reread a lot of my unfinished writing this afternoon. There's one stand-alone novelish thing that's very promising, although I don't think I've put enough time or research into it yet; the dialogue strikes me as being all wrong for the time period. Mostly I went through and tried to reorient myself with regards to Black Ribbon, and it was amazing how many fairly recent decisions I'd made that I'd already forgotten. Good decisions, too. Black Ribbon's going to go through a lateral expansion--some new characters, some new elements, more of Rose Hannah's world, more of the steampunk element. Interestingly, rereading The Golden Compass a few months back was instructive in that last regard--really just a very few changes Pullman makes to Lyra's world, but they're so vivid that he signals the difference fairly quickly. I forget what they use instead of electricity, but you see right there, he's got an opening for all kinds of "scientific" things, because he immediately establishes that their science isn't ours. Or even a simple word like "chocolatl"--you immediately understand that it's the same, but shifted. Rather than stress out over real-world science, and does it work, and was it already in place at the time (and therefore not actually borrowing from the near future) a couple of simple This World Is a Little Different signifiers could give me a lot of wiggle room, even something as simple as altering the name of a major location or landmark. I'm still in the drafting phase--which is my favorite--and in the end, I could go back and make it more real-world compliant. But since it is the drafting phase, knowing that I have this option to color further outside the lines is really freeing, because it's the strict inner workings of science that give me the worst block.

I'm also going through and making a list of things I know I want and I know that I need. If I've got a character who's fairly involved in the first half, I've got to do something with him in the second, you know? I can't just let him disappear; it's more satisfying if you bring that kind of thing back up and resolve it somehow, even if it's just a mini-resolution and you leave the rest of it for a future installment. I don't know how many of y'all have read the three online chapters or remember them if you did, but Ned Morland has pretty much dropped off the map, and he needs to come back somehow. I have something for him to do in the second novelish thing, but I at least need to acknowledge that he's leaving the stage for now. So I'm making a list of loose ends--but I also have a list of Things I Just Think Would Be Cool. There's going to be more of the Inventors Club, more about the Exhibition, and of two much-foreshadowed characters, one will actually show up, which I hadn't planned to have happen initially (not until the second or third novelish thing, anyway). In fact, the fate of That Character is actually very different now, and better, I think. So, you know. It's better that I'm over here trying to accomplish something with it than feeling miserable.

Comments

[highlystrung.livejournal.com]

*hugs* At least you're doing something constructive.

I hope you can get back on the meds/do whatever it is you need to do to feel better soon.

[celli]

*hugs*

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I hope you get those meds pronto because that sounds like a truly awful feeling. I hate to hear about you (or anyone, really) in so much hurt. If the grad school thing is bugging you, as it is me, I try to think that my life's work isn't about going to grad school. (That's at most a step along the way, and for you it's not even remotely necessary.) You've kind of mapped everything out for yourself already, so it's just a question of getting those stories out there now.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

(This does seem to explain why you asked about whether the Making Light comment linking your Paris post might have been negative, though. I was kind of scratching my head over that, since there was no reason to think it would be.)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Well, they're a very opinionated bunch (which is usually a good thing). In my own paranoid mind (and for some reason, being off my meds tends to make me very paranoid as well, like an emotional paranoia where I'm sadly convinced that everyone hates me and is talking shit about me), I could easily imagine some scenario where some commenter's like, "And this LJ entry is typical of the kind of hang-'em-high reaction we're talking about."

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I understand. Also, I promise, if I ever do link you to anything like that, you'll have plenty of warning before you click the link.

Lest you think you're really becoming paranoid, Patrick's reaction was somewhat sympathetic to Paris (to the extent that he wanted to discuss her at all), but a boatload of regular posters disagreed with him. The poster that linked to you thought you'd put the argument against Paris very well. If it had been otherwise, I'd still probably have mentioned it, but you'd have been forewarned.

[metonymy.livejournal.com]

...ahaha, that was totally me. *dies of embarassment* But yeah, I thought Cleo's post was spot-on, so I linked it. (And haven't been back since - if they all savaged it, I am heartily sorry. whoops.)

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone paid much attention actually. ;-)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Heh, no problem.

[fiveforsilver]

I like that you're going back and making sure the little things have resolution. I mean, I really appreciate it. Some of my otherwise favorite books/series have these little things that bug the heck out of me, because there are peripheral characters that appear for a page and then vanish completely or semi-important characters that are abandonded partway through and leave me shouting "But what about ____?!" at the end (the examples I'm thinking of are in Diane Duane's Young Wizards books and the second half of Roger Zelazny's Amber Chronicles).

Also, isn't it anbaric power?

Hope you feel better.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Anbaric! That's it.

And yeah--I don't know how or when I developed it, exactly, but I have sort of an obsession with grand-saga plotting. Like, I want everything to be satisfying even if it isn't happy, and I don't want to waste characters. It may be why I have such a problem finishing things, because I'm off mentally sketching out all the sequels--so that I can start foreshadowing and planting seeds in the original.

[fiveforsilver]

Hah yes, I can see that. I don't write much anymore, but I used to, and I remember one story...well, I knew early in the writing something that would happen later in the story, so I had time to get it all set up for an "Oh yeah!!" moment (and it worked, too, actually, which was cool). I can only imagine what that's like for something as long (and complex) as a novel/series.

But finishing things is hard, anyway.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

When did DD abandon an important character?

[fiveforsilver]

She didn't. She had peripheral characters that were there for a page, then vanished completely. The rowan tree. The catbird. A few others that are in one book and it seems like they should (or at least could) be in others, but they aren't.

I do have some small concept of how difficult writing an extended series is and keeping it consistant (there are other issues of internal inconsistancy), so I'm not complaining about this. If it wasn't one of my favorite series ever, I probably wouldn't notice stuff like that, because I wouldn't read the books over and over again :)

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Well, but the Rowan tree does make a reappearance? There are several references to it in recent books.

[fiveforsilver]

Yes, what, 7 books later? This is the rowan tree that is right outside her house, which she promises to go climb again.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

For all we know, she does, and it just doesn't matter enough to the main story for her to remark on it. Keep in mind that many of the books haven't happened near her house, either, and she and Kit were quite busy with stuff that didn't leave them time for recreational tree-climbing.

[fiveforsilver]

I don't need to justify my thoughts on this subject to you. It's a fictional book and we disagree about this aspect of it.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Seriously, let's not fight about it.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Of course you don't. I thought we were having a discussion.

[elendiari22.livejournal.com]

Lady, you have to write this, because reading about your drafting plans and what you want to do with the story are so interesting that I am dying to know what you come up with. And I think that everyone who reads your blog would totally read Black Ribbon. I read and really liked the first three chapters last summer. Go Cleo!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Awww, yay! I think actually putting some of it online, in progress, has me in the unusual position of having people actually wanting me to finish my first novel.

[metonymy.livejournal.com]

I'm really not surprised that you're depressed - between illness, running out of meds (and I hope you can get back on them soon if you need to, that's a terrible feeling) and the huge amount of work you've taken on caring for the puppies, it's no wonder. But it still sucks mightily. I'm glad to hear that you're being productive and trying to get better, and I hope we'll all get to see more of Black Ribbon soon. Take care of yourself. ♥

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

Gah, depression. And withdrawal would most definitely be a double-gah (although at least you aren't experiencing the physical nasties -- knock on wood!).

I rather enjoyed what I read of The Black Ribbon and would love to see that universe expand. Best of luck!

[theatre-angel.livejournal.com]

Hey, are the three chapters still online? I'd really like to read them. Haha, that sounded kind of creepy.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

They should be--the link's on my sidebar, I think.

[gannet-guts.livejournal.com]

Oh, that worthless feeling is the absolute worst, isn't it? You get all, "fuck, I can't write, I suck, why am I doing this? I'm never going to amount to anything, I may as well just quit" and really, the only way I can express it is: it sucks. I hope you get your meds and feel better.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

That, and the special writer hell that is "So, what do you do?" when you meet new people.

[chrryblssmninja.livejournal.com]

-hugs-

Also, yay world construction thoughts!

[iczer6.livejournal.com]

Interestingly, rereading The Golden Compass a few months back was instructive in that last regard--really just a very few changes Pullman makes to Lyra's world, but they're so vivid that he signals the difference fairly quickly.

One of the things I really like about his writing is he's very good at showing us instead of telling us.

What stands out to me is the daemons and their relationships with the human characters.

Instead of info-dumping what daemons are what they mean to the people of Lyra's world he shows us, by having us watch the characters interact.

So when the truth about what the 'Gobblers' are doing is revealed it hits that much harder because we've seen how the relationships works, and we've gotten a glimpse at what happens when they achieve their goals.

[lauthe.livejournal.com]

I hate the idea that even a handful of people, friends or family, would see my writing after I was dead and there'd be no ending to these things.

Wow, that's something I've never considered before and it strikes a huge, HUGE nerve. Thank you, this was important for me to read, especially at this particular moment. (Er, I'm not trying to make your very personal entry All About Me, or anything, I'm just grateful for the help you've unintentionally given me.)

I hope you feel better soon!

[shesnotallthere.livejournal.com]

I have a hell of a time finishing anything. I get so involved in researching and drafting, usually on two or three different projects at once, that very little ever gets completely DONE. I've started setting deadlines for myself...not for finishing a story, but things like "I have until the first week in October to finish research for this" or "There will be no more drafting of this chapter after August 1."

Have you ever tried this or something similar? If so, did it work for you? I've asked four other writers I know, but none of them have had as much trouble as I have with finishing things. The bastards.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, deadlines. I want to pinch their little cheeks, they're so cute and useless. Self-imposed deadlines are great in theory, but you're talking to someone who blew four contractual deadlines; nothing I set for myself is going to stick at all.

[sfmarty.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine, Judith Tarr, does writing mentoring and critisism. She is a fairly well known writer and has helped many writers get thru the process.

As for depression, get your meds. Give Judy a try. Sometimes all you need is a well placed push.

[rclementmoore.livejournal.com]

You are wicked funny and extremely talented. Here's some stuff that helped me (finally) get my book from head to paper.

1) Set small, short term goals. Done by October is not nearly as useful as "Five pages a day." Just one page a day means a book in a year.

2) Don't go back and revise until you get to the end. If you get stuck, make a note of what needs to happen or change, and jump ahead. (In the case of reworking a project that's begun, work through the old stuff once, then only go forward.)

3) Write every day, even if it's a couple of notes or paragraphs. That way you keep momentum.

4) Try to convince people how important this is to you. If they won't leave you alone in the day, write late at night, early in the morning, or take a legal pad into the bathroom. This is the most challenging part, because there's only so much you can control.

And seriously, not only will going cold turkey off your meds mess up your writing, it can be dangerous.

Aaaaaannnddd, that's doubtless WAY more than you want in your comments.

Good luck with everything, CJ. Hang in there. You've got more impact on the world than you think.

[heyorion.livejournal.com]

I don't comment very often on your journal, but I just wanted you to know that I love reading your posts. Thank you for writing them.
(Consider this a verbal hug.)

[word-herder.livejournal.com]

I very nearly jumped out of my chair when I realized you were talking about your Black Ribbon story. I've been wanting to read what happens next for so long! Your thoughts sound very promising--so, go for it!

[blackdiamants.livejournal.com]

Med withdrawal blows especially if they're antidepressants or antipsychotics. D: Once I had to go cold turkey AND THAT WAS A BAD CHOICE.

What are you on?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Lamictal. And yes, cold turkey BAAAAAD, for whatever reason.

Actually, the weird thing is that I feel a WHOLE lot better today--not that I would do this on purpose here on out, but if three or four days of feeling like shit meant that my first couple of days back on caused an upswing, it would be kind of worth it this one time. Because I definitely needed a kickstart.

[blackdiamants.livejournal.com]

I was on Zoloft and Effexor at the time of the cold turkey incident, but I've been on Welbutrin, too.

Perhaps your body was getting used to the meds [in an immune kind of way] so a sudden drop in intake followed by increase in intake caused that kind of euphoria when you first start taking them or its your body being satisfied by the drug that it was missing out on. Zoloft has a low half-life so that makes sense.

Also, for any possible future reference never. ever. just randomly stop taking Geodon. BAD CHOICE.

[mysticowl.livejournal.com]

In His Dark Materials, they use Anberic Energy instead of Electricity. And what we call "amber" they call "electrum." Will and Lyra figure it out when they first meet.

As reading makes all things better...

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Possible linkspam candidate, and something you personally might enjoy just on general principles:

The mod from dracula1897 (which ran the entire novel Dracula in installments last year) has proposed doing the same thing for another Victorian work (http://community.livejournal.com/dracula1897/2007/06/12/) -- leaning towards Jane Austen's Mansfield Park -- and possibly continuing to other novels once that's done. It sounds neat to me (makes me wish I had a Victorian icon), and you might find it especially neat.

Re: As reading makes all things better...

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

...aaaaand it's on! You might like to look at the new community episodical. I'm looking forward to this, myself.

[jubilantia.livejournal.com]

Cleo, I enjoyed what I read of Black Ribbon and though it's been awhile since I read it, I'm glad to see you're getting back to it. I don't know if you'll even see this post, since you get so many, but I find your journal extremely entertaining (freaked out yet?) and I can relate to it. I also have a lot of unfinished stories and thoughts in my head. Half of them aren't even in the computer, since I like to write down ideas and first drafts hard copy, but I can still relate. Half the time I don't even know if they're worth finishing, but I'm a science person, and I need some sort of artsy anchor. I hope you feel better, and just know that you're not the only one feeling that way.

[br0k3nsoul.livejournal.com]

Nix that request. The response thus far has been really amazing and beyond all expectations. It looks like they're going to be okay.

[hollywoodsmile7.livejournal.com]

And by "deeply depressed" I just mean lying on the sofa, feeling unmotivated, feeling worthless and futureless, that kind of thing.

Thank you for posting this, because it's pretty much exactly how I feel right now (minus the worthless and futureless part, been there done that and am happy it's not creeping up again). I took a sick day from work today and have been feeling guilty about it. It's hard to not feel lazy when you're depressed.

Hope you feel better soon!

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I found this (http://www.alden.nu/resources.shtml) "writers' portal" with links to tons and tons of writing stuff. I thought maybe you could use it, and considering that many of your readers also write, that it might be linkspamable.