Friday afternoon, raining

[cleolinda]

I was waiting for my stepfather to come home so I could get off dogsitting duty--he's been a little later than usual because Meko's been spending weekdays at the vet--but here's my mother home early instead. She comes up to me and says, very quietly, "Meko had a seizure and died this afternoon. They waited until George went to pick her up to tell him, they wanted to tell him in person. He's taking it really hard, obviously, so I wouldn't say anything about it to him." He's already in their room, quiet. George raised Meko and Sam from puppyhood; they became our stepdogs, as we like to say, when he and my mother got married. Sam's totally the family baby, but Meko--well, sometimes I feel like I cared more about her than anyone (after George, obviously; she was his baby). I always tried to be patient with her because I knew she wouldn't be around forever, and I was the one who took care of her during the day, and always made sure to pet her or call her by name when I passed by, make sure she didn't feel left out. She's about twelve or thirteen years old, and my mother's been gloomily predicting her final days since... fall 2005? We were shocked, as you may recall, when Lucky--a healthy, nine-year-old English cocker--passed before she did. So Meko lived on, diabetic and mostly blind, to bump into furniture and pee lakes at a time and Tell You What if you got in her way. She had a great smile--I was sitting with her on the couch yesterday, she was perched on top of a pile of throw blankets, grinning away while I petted her. A few minutes before, she'd been barking at Shelby to get out of her way. She was actually at the vet this week because she didn't eat one morning after having her insulin, so when we did finally get some food in her, she threw it up. Added to this, all she wanted to eat was the puppies' kibble, so when I picked her up and she bit me--it seemed to hurt her--I thought that maybe it had upset her stomach, given her gas or something. And that's what the vet thought, too. And there's nothing to say that it wasn't, and that she died of something else she didn't even feel coming. I was actually wondering why she was spending all the other days this week at the vet, since she seemed to be fine and it was probably an unnecessary expense, but it meant that I only had to corral three dogs instead of four, so I was okay with it. And then today she doesn't come home at all, and I don't really know how to feel. Or rather, I do, but I feel a lot of different things at once. I'm glad that she's not half-buried under all these illnesses and bodily failings anymore. I'm selfishly relieved for my own sake that we won't have to clean up after her anymore. Of course, I then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I feel sad that I won't ever see her again. I'm sad that she died at the vet's and not at home. I want to cry--I am crying--but I can't quite understand why; my brain doesn't quite understand why I feel things that it's already rationalized away. On the other hand, I'm so incredibly, incredibly relieved that she died at the vet's, in a comfortable cage in the quiet hospital wing--she always shook in the car on the way to the vet's, but Mom said that this morning she didn't shake at all, she seemed happy to go; I wonder if she liked the hospital side, if it was like a vacation for her--and that I wasn't the one who had to find her. Because God knows I've paid my dues on that front.


This is totally off the subject, but I don't want y'all to miss this, so: dvoid_03 sent me a link to a today-only free download of "PageFour, a tabbed word processor and outliner for creative writers. Where other word processors were designed with the business user in mind, PageFour aims to meet the needs of a different class of writer. It’s rich feature set includes Print Templates to make printing your manuscript as easy as possible, as well as Snapshot Copies and fully interactive archiving." Enjoy.

Comments

[akathorne.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Cleo.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks. : )

[terrierhead.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss. She was a lovely dog.

[ter369.livejournal.com]

Cleo, I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. I'm thinking of you. Dogs are so wonderful and all I can say is keep those happy memories close. I am looking at my puppy and crying as I type. Much love and sympathy is sent your way. *hug*

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

Also, you do realize that you are some kind of goddess for sharing the PageFour link when you have so much else on your plate, don't you? Thank you for posting it.

[pigsnicket.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

Oh, Cleo, MASSIVE MASSIVE hugs. I understand so well, really. And you were a wonderful care and love-giver to her, really you were. She's up there singing your praises now.

[maetang.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about Meko.

[edda.livejournal.com]

You feel about like anyone feels after losing a loved one who went through a prolonged illness, be they human or animal. And I'm so sorry for your loss, and please email me if you need anything at all. *hugs*

[corellianjedi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. :(

[And thanks for the heads-up about PageFour; it looks awesome.]

[tabbyclaw.livejournal.com]

Crap. I'm sorry.

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Aw, hon. *sits next to you, rests shoulder against yours*

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I'm really really sorry, Cleo. I'm glad you didn't have to watch it happen, and that she went softly.

[lafemmezilla.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear about Meko.

[diego-zanzibar.livejournal.com]

She was a very pretty girl, Cleo. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

[megmatthews20.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. No matter how old they were, or how much pain they were going through, we still miss them and wish they could stay with us whatever the cost.

cheers here's to our beloved pets

[ladyhawke-wings.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Cleo! Poor puppy! *hugs*

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry - sounds like she knew she was loved.

[skyblade.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I had a dog that was slowly dying, and it's natural for you to feel like the inevitable finally coming to pass is a weight off. It's like the elehephant on-a-foot analogy.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear it. Good thoughts for everyone.

[elbales]

I'm sorry about Meko. Poor pup.

Page Four only comes in Windows flavor. Woe.

[derangeddarling.livejournal.com]

Agreed. *pets Mac*

[bigeyedrabbit.livejournal.com]

Oh geez. I'm so sorry.

I want to cry--I am crying--but I can't quite understand why; my brain doesn't quite understand why I feel things that it's already rationalized away.

It's grief; it's not logical. And, if you'll forgive the sassing from someone who doesn't even know you, don't even THINK about beating yourself up for feeling grief because She Was Only A Dog. She's been a part of your life for a long long time and it's okay to feel sorrow over her loss.

(And yes, it's okay to feel relief, too.)

[notashamed.livejournal.com]

Losing a dog is one of the worst things to go through, and people who haven't lost a pet don't understand the pain. I hope that your grief isn't too overwhelming. *hugs*

[brett-the-vet.livejournal.com]

Oh no,
So sorry to hear about Meko. If there's anything I can do, let me know. How's Sam doing?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Sam seems to be fine--it's funny, but when she got sick a few weeks ago, he was visibly upset, and now she's gone, but because he didn't see it, he doesn't know it happened. I don't know exactly when he's going to figure out that she's not coming back; I don't really know how that worked out when Lucky passed, either.

(Are we going to try to see anything this weekend? I was wondering about Spider-Man, but apparently ticket sales are crazy-go-nuts and I'm a little skittish. Still, I mostly want to get out of the house because my stepfather's slinking around trying not to let us see him crying.)

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

I grieve with thee. Two in one year is not fun. May you be comforted by those you love, and may Meko be happy and pain-free wherever she is.

[carnotite.livejournal.com]

I’m sorry Cleo. I rescued a twenty year old deaf Calico who was sleeping in our tree because she could no longer defend herself against dogs. She only lasted four months but I still miss her after many years, so I understand your loss.