Denial: Not a river in Egypt, but just as nice to visit

[cleolinda]

You know how you can say something over and over until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore? That's kind of happened with "He's dead." I just feel a vague blankness now, even though--probably "because," rather--it's been running nonstop through my head since yesterday. I know that I'm sad, and that Lucky's not here, and that he's not ever coming back, but the ideas don't seem connected anymore. I think I'm slipping into denial, and it's a nice place. It allows me to be a lot more functional than I was this morning when I was walking around the house crying--I figured there was no point to sitting down somewhere and crying, because God knows how long I'd be there, so I just kept going around doing what I always do. Go downstairs. Go downstairs-downstairs and get some ginger ale, which is technically, as far as sugar content goes, a soda, and I stopped drinking soda because of the sugar. I said it was because of the caffeine, but I think what I really meant was, it's the caffeine that makes it so hard to quit, but the sugar that makes you gain or keep on the weight. I'm sick, and I want ginger ale, goddammit. And this way, when I'm not sick and I'm not drinking ginger ale anymore, it doesn't have any caffeine so I won't go into any withdrawal. That's why I can drink it right now, even though it's still on the should-not-drink list generally. Look, it makes sense to me. So I'm down on the basement/rec room level getting ginger ale, crying, and I go upstairs and realize that the toaster pastries I wanted are also in the fridge downstairs-downstairs. So I go back down, crying, and get those. I put them in the toaster, crying. I put some bacon in the microwave, crying. (Yes, I know, it's the healthiest breakfast you've ever heard of. Particularly for someone who thinks that soda has too much sugar.) I squeeze the packets of icing onto the pastries, crying. I take the bacon out, crying. I'm taking my plate into the den when I stop halfway through the kitchen. I actually said "His vent" out loud--the air vent he liked to lie against because the air was nice and cool on his fur. I eat, crying. I take the poms outside, and I really start crying. I go back inside and I dig up Lucky's favorite rope toy and the purple bandanna he actually wore on a daily basis for a long time, and take them upstairs. Sister Girl has his collar; I don't think she's giving it back.

I waded through my email. There was a lot of it. I made tentative plans to go out tomorrow night, although I didn't stop to wonder if I'd be well enough to go--the issue being that, if I'm feverish, I might be contagious. I don't know. After I got through my email and the new posts on the board I help mod, I took some more Allegra D and Tylenol and got back in bed.

I woke up when Sister Girl came home from work at one-thirty. For whatever reason, she didn't get off work early at all. I'm glad, because I think her having something to do, her not being in the house like I was looking at all the places where the image of Lucky persists, was helping. Mom went in to get a cup of coffee mid-morning like she sometimes does, and she said that Sister Girl seemed to be okay. Of course, as of now, she's off work and school until a week from Monday, with nothing to do but swim in the pool that's too cold and murky to swim in now, and play with the dog who isn't here anymore.

She and her boyfriend (thank God she's dating someone right now) have just gone out--to get something I eat, I assume. I just went downstairs, took the poms out, didn't cry, and microwaved a couple of slices of pizza from last night. It was nigh on nine pm and Sister Girl and I hadn't had anything to eat most of the day; she wanted pizza, and I needed something, anything, so I could take another Allegra. Mom didn't eat at all, didn't even try to. I don't think my stepfather did either. Mom said, "He just cried all night" while they sat in the den, ostensibly watching TV. She added, "I don't even want to think about what happens the day that something happens to Sam." The poms are his--I think of them as my dogs the way Lucky was his dog too, but in the technical sense, the poms are stepdogs--he raised them from puppies, he brought them to the marriage. When he and my mother were dating (they had actually been engaged when they were in college, so by dating I mean the second time around), they brought the poms to see me a couple of times at school. Meko's a sweet dog, and I have a definite soft spot for her, but Sam is cuteness incarnate. George absolutely dotes on him. I don't even want to think what it's going to be like for him when something happens to Sam, who at this moment is happy and bouncy and irrepressible and only nine years old. But then, so was Lucky.

I also wonder what it's going to be like for y'all, the audience, if/when I lose an actual human family member. My grandfather, the only person I have ever lost (other than my father, who isn't dead), died shortly after my parents, i.e., my mother and stepfather, got married and I then graduated from college. He either died that July or the July after, 2001 or 2002. I didn't start this journal until, literally, Halloween 2003. Y'all have never actually seen me go through this before, and I imagine that, while you as a group are reading or started reading for different reasons--the movie parodies, the Lost recaps, the linkspam, the random funny stories, the discussions of writing or books or movies or whatever--I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about my grief on a daily basis. It's kind of why I felt bad when I started talking about my depression on a regular basis--I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about that, either, but that was easier to be funny about and I could at least feel like it was a public service in a lot of ways, something that deserved to be talked about openly and not hidden, as long as I wrote about it in a way that let you observe, and sympathize if you wanted to, but didn't involve you in uncomfortable or manipulative ways. I never wanted you to finish an entry and sit there thinking, "Uh... should we contact LJ staff? Should someone be sent to her house to make sure she hasn't hurt herself?" I never want you to come to this journal and find me begging you to give me a reason to live. I'm veering off course rapidly here (or maybe not, actually), but it's kind of something I wanted to say anyway. I just don't think it's fair to hold an audience emotionally hostage like that: tell me you love me, validate me or the bunny gets it. So I just want to make sure you know that that's not what I want right now, either.

I've gotten a few comments to the effect of, "Wow, you are so brave to talk about [whatever] so openly like this." I know what they're talking about, but at the same time, I'm always a little puzzled. I mean, I guess the alternative is to not talk the bad times at all, but my feeling bad affects my writing--most of the time, the frequency with which I post--and it would be weird not to address that, given that a large portion of my journal is, in fact, about things I see or that happen to me in real life. And usually the things I'm so "brave" to talk about are things that people are afraid to talk about for fear of judgment. You kind of saw that yesterday with me being preemptively afraid that it was silly to grieve this much for a pet. I don't really have a problem talking about my depression (or bipolar... whatever, as we've apparently diagnosed it now) because I'm not afraid of people judging me. (I spent enough time in grade school being judged not to give a shit about that.) Mental health is just like physical health, the way I figure it; almost no one is ever perfectly healthy. And grief is kind of like a car accident--it could come out of nowhere, it's caused by outside forces, but it's a mental health issue the same way. So--now that I'm sure no one's going to start any U Stupid Loser drama over here (and I figured the law of averages would cough up someone who would do that, but it hasn't yet. And I have a longstanding, zero-tolerance policy towards trolls and/or drama: freeze threads, ban if necessary, ask no questions, engage in no arguments. It's worked for three years now, the few times I've had to use it) I don't really mind talking about it. I'm just afraid of driving readers away who are like, "She's a nice person and a decent writer and all, but The Grief Show with Your Host Cleolinda is not what I signed up for."

Still, I don't really see how that's brave. Would it be better to ride in on my drama llama and start flailing around? I don't see how that helps you or me. Would it be better to not say anything at all for days, maybe weeks, and let y'all drift away as well as depriving myself of the chance to write? I'm a writer; I write. I thought maybe I wouldn't be able to, and I'm still a little too distracted to work on Black Ribbon, but on the whole, writing here is helping me feel better--helping me process it a bit. So, you know... carry on, and such. I just wanted to say all of that.

P.S. The poem that PoemHunter.com's daily emailing delivered this morning.

By the way, re: espionage and fashion: do y'all know of any paintings of Madame du Barry that are online? I searched artrenewal.org and didn't come up with anything; the painting on the Wikipedia entry isn't really what I'm looking for--the dress is too casual. It's basically for the plot point of, "We think she will try to have the couturier copy a gown of Madame du Barry's," and Rose Hannah will need to have a reasonable facsimile of it if she wants to pass as this woman (again: espionage). Now, I can fake it, obviously, but if I could find a real painting with a good court or ball gown, that would be fantastic.

(By the way, if you're writing a period piece, the aforementioned Art Renewal Center can be super helpful. I used a lot of Tissot, Sargent, and Millais paintings for visual reference when I was originally writing Black Ribbon back in '03.)

And just a little linkspam, so it doesn't pile up:

New movie stills: The Prestige (which is going to be totally awesome); Rescue Dawn (more Christian Bale); Little Children (Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Patrick Wilson); Goya's Ghosts (Natalie Portman, Javier Bardem, Stellan Skarsgard); Stranger Than Fiction (Will Ferrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Queen Latifah, Emma Thompson--I would say "Which one of these is not like the others?," but all of them are); more Casino Royale.

Cocaine Is It.

Unified Celebrity Theory Puts Britney Spears' Odds For Happiness At An Even 0-To-0.

Zooey Deschanel is Janis Joplin.

British business mogul Richard Branson said Thursday he would invest about $3 billion to combat global warming over the next decade. This is the same Richard Branson who pulled the Paris in Wonderland stunt, by the way.

Investigators Find 'Smoking Gun' Linking Spinach to E. Coli Outbreak: Now there's a headline you won't see every day. "Consumers should throw away any fresh packaged spinach they may have bought in the past few weeks and not buy more until the warning is lifted, the FDA said. It also said that washing the spinach won't help because the bacteria is too tightly attached." So... why were we having spinach lasagna pinwheels for dinner the other night? Does nobody in this house watch the news?

Comments

[fishsanwitt]

"She's a nice person and a decent writer and all, but The Grief Show with Your Host Cleolinda is not what I signed up for."

I *so* get where you're coming from :) and you made me laugh with that line.

I'm in the midst of a *huge* depression, so reading about your depression is actually quite therapeutic - even if you didn't mean it to be - what you're saying rings very true for me. I'm also going on meds and I'll get better, but thank you (again) for sharing your grief, your thoughts, your crying - everything. When our dog died, I cried *everywhere* - so everything you said resonanted with me.

::big hugs:: (unless you don't do hugs - I have no idea)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Hugs are fine. : )

[dreamingreader.livejournal.com]

Ditto the hugs. Losing someone precious--even a pet--is always hard.

Re: spinach--I'm pretty sure that cooking it (like in lasagna) kills the e. coli and is safe.

[sucrelefey.livejournal.com]

Cooking would kill the bacteria but it won't remove their residue/byproducts which is what happens whith stalph based food poisoning.

[chaosdancer.livejournal.com]

Much like a lot of other LJ writers, I initially friended you because I liked your work, and as time went on I came to like you too. That's why I stick around, and I hope you continue posting about your journey because it's interesting to me! And I was so sorry about Lucky. He really did look just like my mom's childhood dog, so I haven't mentioned this to her. She'd be sad too. :(

[skyblade.livejournal.com]

It's one of the reasons many comediens end up feeling insecure and having self destructive paths. The need to be "on" all the time tends to hollow one out, and feel absolutely useless and worthless when not doing their job.

However, I think the value people attribute to you goes well beyond whether you make people laugh. I think your insight and friendliness draws people to this journal. When you're upset, people are going to be upset for you. You're obviously not a commodity to people, but someone countless folks consider their friend.

[claddagh812.livejournal.com]

You're human. You're going to grieve. I know most of us don't really know you, and you don't know us, but I'd like to think that at least some of us read this journal because we like hearing about you -- not the writer you, not the funny you, but you, a real person who goes through many of the same events the rest of us do. Grieve away.

[naienko.livejournal.com]

You know how we read people's diaries and stuff from a (long) time ago? Yeah.

You're just like that, only we happen to be reading day-by-day and can converse with you. It doesn't change the reality that you're a diarist, this is your dated book, and you should write in the way that helps you the most -- even if it's emo, grieving, rambly, personal, whatever.

For what it's worth, I think anybody who stops reading you over this probably isn't worth keeping around anyway.

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

To change the subject, there is an amusing caption for this picture (http://outnow.ch/Media/Img/2006/Prestige/movie.fs/02?w=1400&h=933) somewhere for sure, but I'm not going to call it.

[sarafinapekkala.livejournal.com]

"Come on, it can't possibly be that long."

[piscean-warfare.livejournal.com]

do y'all know of any paintings of Madame du Barry that are online? I searched artrenewal.org and didn't come up with anything; the painting on the Wikipedia entry isn't really what I'm looking for--the dress is too casual.

http://worldroots.com/brigitte/royal/arti-b.htm ? Or there's one at http://www.corcoran.org/collection/highlights_main_results.asp?ID=129

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Thanks!

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

WRT writing about grief, depression, etc.: The only times I've really been worried about you are when you didn't post at all for longish periods of time. (You had modem trouble at one point, I think.) I tend to see you writing about anything as basically a healthy thing, so when I don't see any writing, that's when I get nervous.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Unrelated comment: My English teacher used say that 90% of poetry is about sex or death ultimately.

[cabell.livejournal.com]

Cooking spinach at a high enough temp does actually kill the bacteria, according to the articles I've seen. So cooked spinach isn't so much a problem.

[megathy27.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the ARC link, I'm a (fledgling) costume designer and I know it will come in very handy.

Also? I don't really know who Richard Branson is, but I think I love him.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

He's the founder of Virgin Atlantic, and also one of the two major sponsors of Spaceship 1, the winner of the X-Prize for first private vehicle to reach "the edge of space" (defined as 100km). He's starting a space vehicle company called Virgin Galactic.

[kinkydork.livejournal.com]

you've probably already seen this a jillion times, but in case you haven't: http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm (forgive the cheesiness). as your friendly neighborhood pet-condolence-letter-writer i thought i'd pass it along.

and add me to the chorus of people who enjoy your day-to-day anecdotes. it's weirdly comforting to know someone else is going through similar things sometimes.

[reynardine.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the "Grief Show with your host Cleolinda". It's not like you write about sad things all the time. It's like anyone else who has good times and bad times.

[eyemage.livejournal.com]

"do y'all know of any paintings of Madame du Barry that are online? I searched artrenewal.org and didn't come up with anything; the painting on the Wikipedia entry isn't really what I'm looking for--the dress is too casual."

well not paintings but how about these paper dolls?
http://www.paperdolls.com/dolls/madame01.htm

Its cliche but time does make the pain fade...and be wary of feeling guilty about feeling better. Thats caught me more often than i would like to admit.

Be well.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

PAPER DOLLS!!!

Okay, I got way too excited about that.

[gaueko-izar.livejournal.com]

Well, as I've seen other people say, I originally friended you because of the M15M things, and your journal now is the one that I let out a squeal to seeing when I'm alone in my room. I'm not a commenter but I'm definitely a reader, and I love reading your journal, low points and all. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

[fallingscribble.livejournal.com]

God, there's nothing I can say about Lucky, is there? He sounded wonderful.

I don't understand how anyone can classify a being as "just a pet". "Pet" doesn't really mean anything, it's only how you love something that is relevant.

You lj-cut anything very personal, don't you? That's incredibly thoughtful already, so I doubt even anyone looking for a reason to could complain.

You know nothing about me, of course, but I really think of you as a real person by now. If something bad happens, I'm listening. I think a lot of people around here are, too. Talking about things helps sometimes, even if it's more typing than talking.

[ironclad1609.livejournal.com]

Yes, The Prestige is gonna rock.
Even though I am not too familiar with Janis Joplin, Zooey seems like a great choice. I love that girl and she should be in a lot more movies.

I also think you shouldn't worry so much about how we react to things from your private life here. I often find myself writing things on my LJ that should not really interest anyone, could people make start thinking badly of me or worrying about me. But that's what LJ is for. Of course, you took this to a different level, entertaining is so wonderfully with yours so often, having so many LJ friends.
But these are your entries, you have the right to do personal entries that don't make sense to any of us, maybe are awfully written and totally weird.
So write the personal ones for your own sake and don't worry about us, we can handle it.

[sunshine95.livejournal.com]

Although I first started reading your LJ because of M15M, and while I obviously still love reading the parodies and Lost recaps and all that when they come up, I stay because I care about you as a person and (even though I know it's not like we're OMGBFF!) a friend. Big hugs to you, sweetie.

[edda.livejournal.com]

Looks like Sir Walter Raleigh approves of your grief/depression posts. Personally, I approve of them, too. *hugs again*

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I actually took it as a weird kind of sign, since I'm so looking forward to the new Elizabeth movie, you know?

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about my grief on a daily basis. It's kind of why I felt bad when I started talking about my depression on a regular basis--I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about that, either,

Maybe no one signed up for it, but many of us (or, at least, one of us) don't mind in the slightest. Beyond how all of the info and comments about depression and bipolar disorder are incredibly informative and helpful for those of us going through Rough Times (tm) at the moment, aaaaand I'm ending this sentence because it's too long.

Ahem. The grief parts are good (well, not good, 'cause it sucks that you're going through this, but you know what I mean) because it's kind of like seeing that ohmigosh! Writers who've made it are people TOO! And that is awesome.

Plus, in more purely selfish reasons, those of us who cry easily yet can't always cry when we desperately need to, now have some well-written-yet-raw grief to read that might set us off. :-P

[derangeddarling.livejournal.com]

"Writers who've made it are people TOO! And that is awesome."

Thats tottally something I feel but could never have verbalized. Thanks!

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

The repetition-until-meaninglessness is exactly what I experienced when my dad died. Then 2 weeks later, our dog died as well. (long story there - dog actually left property for first time in his life, and was found on the road in front of dad's cemetary by David Boreanaz's dad - yeah. Who took him to all-night vet and wouldn't let us pay him back.)

And don't you feel the LEAST BIT BAD about dumping here. I, for one, came originally for the wit, but I'd like to thing that we have some small, tenuous grasp at friendship now, in that I like and appreciate you for more than your humor and entertainment value. I value YOU.

Massive hugs, dear.

and, by the way? I've been a dog owner my entire life, and experienced various deaths, and every one wrecks me. I go back to the Kipling poem (http://www.readprint.com/work-970/Rudyard-Kipling) which cautions against loving one, and yet, I do it again and again. Dogs are love, and the price you pay is mourning.

More hugs.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

That--that is quite a story. (Isn't Boreanaz's dad also in TV, or am I thinking of George Clooney's?)

(And thanks. : )

Painting links

[ipomoea.livejournal.com]

http://www.batguano.com/Vigeeartpages.html and use Ctrl+F to find her in the paintings listed. There's a lot of them.

Re: Painting links

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oooo. You are most awesome.

[elisa0984.livejournal.com]

I friended you in the great POA frenzy, but I friend people and expect emotions to run the gamut.

http://www.freewebs.com/dregae/attackonthepalace38.htm That is from a site the specializes in gowns worn for the character of Marie Antoinette in movies. They had a little subsection for the gowns for Madame du Barry.

[takekammuri.livejournal.com]

Heh, "drama llama"? Check out my default icon. ;)

I can't html-ize, so forgive the chunk quote and then the rambling

[lenamoster.livejournal.com]

"while you as a group are reading or started reading for different reasons--the movie parodies, the Lost recaps, the linkspam, the random funny stories, the discussions of writing or books or movies or whatever--I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about my grief on a daily basis. It's kind of why I felt bad when I started talking about my depression on a regular basis--I'm pretty sure no one signed up to read about that, either, but that was easier to be funny about and I could at least feel like it was a public service in a lot of ways, something that deserved to be talked about openly and not hidden, as long as I wrote about it in a way that let you observe, and sympathize if you wanted to, but didn't involve you in uncomfortable or manipulative ways."
Whaaaaaaaaaat? While I think it's great that you let so many people that you don't know (*raises hand*) read your journal and be sortof a part of your life, I DON'T think it's your responsibility AT ALL to cater to your readers - this is your journal, creating for the purpose of you being able to talk about whatever you want to. While many people friended you for the topics you commonly talk about, it is still COMPLETELY up to you what you do with this journal. I don't think that you should ever feel that you have to censor yourself just because you don't know if people want to hear it. That's rude and presumptuous of anyone who might do that, and in my opinion you'd be better off without them. Don't worry about alienating anyone or rambling - that's why you're so proficient with the lovely lj-cut.
Especially now! You're going through a grieving period, you shouldn't have to stop and worry about whether it will bother anyone - just worry about whether it's helping you work through this. You just lost a beloved family member, you have every right to dwell on this. For goodness sake, I just made a post whining about how I was late to work because my car got a glorious flat tire. I didn't worry about whether anyone would care when I hit post, because 'it's my house and I'm just letting them come in if they want - if they want to stand outside because it smells too girly, well I won't cry about it'.
In short, never feel like you have to apologize in your journal unelss you inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. Which I think would be VERY hard to do, because you're such a nice person.

Re: I can't html-ize, so forgive the chunk quote and then the rambling

[meandstuff.livejournal.com]

Wordy McWordison. Beautiful sentiment eloquently expressed. In fact, I'm going to friend you for it.

Cleo, this is your journal. You can do and say what you like and so many of us will always agree or support you in it. Best wishes for you and your family in this time.