(no subject)

[cleolinda]

I'm still in so much shock. He was such a happy, healthy dog. He had his skin problems and his constant itchy-scratching and his ear infections, but nothing that was ever life-threatening. From the moment I realized something was wrong to the moment I came home from saying goodbye to him at the vet--and we were there a good long time--little more than an hour passed. He was fine at four-thirty, and by five-thirty I was on my way home and he was gone forever. I just--I just keep saying over and over, I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe he's not here. Lucky got me through my parents' divorce--I'd come home from college on the weekends and just hug on him and cry and he'd just put his head on my shoulder and let me. He slept in my room, either on the floor at the foot of the bed or on the bed itself. He was a bed hog--I'd wake up and he'd be sprawled out in the middle of the bed, fairly large for an English cocker, and I'd have no room at all. If he needed to go outside in the middle of the night he'd jump on the bed and turn around in circles and lay his face down on the pillow beside me, and if I was slow on the drop and didn't get the picture, he'd run around and do it again. Whenever I went up the stairs, if he was lying at the top of them, I'd stop about three steps down and get on my knees and kiss his face--he was getting grey in on his muzzle, I called him my Grizzleface--and rub his nose with mine. He was also Sir, Lucky Sir, Big Sir, Good Sir, Good Boy, Pretty Boy, Smart Boy, Silly Boy, Fine Fella. My mother used to tell me, very quietly, that my grandparents wouldn't be with us much longer. It was, in fact, several years before my grandfather died after a long time in the hospital; my grandmother is still with us--came over for dinner with my great-great-aunt on Saturday, as you may recall. But ever since my mother tried to impress this idea on me, I always hugged them when they first came over and I hugged them when they left. Every single time. And I get irritable with my mother a lot, but every single time I hang up the phone I think about how that might be the last time I talk to her. Every time I walk into the room, I call all the dogs by name--"Hey, Lucky. Hey, Sam. Hey, Meko"--and I pet them pretty much whenever they're in arm's reach. Because dogs' lives are so much shorter than people's, so it goes double for them. So I always stopped when I went up the stairs and Lucky was there, I always petted him when I left the room--and he usually followed me wherever I went after that. He'd lie behind my chair, and I'd go to the bathroom, and I'd come out and he'd be lying in front of the door. He'd get up and lie down again rather than just wait for me all of five feet away. I loved that dog so much.

The shock is the worst part of it in this particular case, I think. That, and the fact that I was the one to find him, and how horrible it was to have him not respond and how limp he was when my stepfather picked him up. I always thought--I was actually thinking the other day--how he was so healthy, whatever took him would probably linger a long time, and we'd probably end up arguing over whether it was time to put him down or not--we wouldn't want him to suffer, but we wouldn't be able to bring ourselves to let him go, either. And I'd keep wondering how much longer we'd have--an especially long-lived dog could make it to nineteen or twenty, right? Right? He was only nine and a half. We'd probably have a good four of five more years together, easy. I had no idea we'd only have until today.

I know it probably sounds strange to grieve this much over a dog--my sister's fallen to damn pieces, by the way--when so many people suffer and die around the world. And yet so many people grieve so much for their pets--you know what I'm talking about, even if you can stand outside yourself and think, "This is insane." But I think I know why we do. The love between a person and an animal is so complete and total and flawless. It's not marred or confused or complicated by anything. You never fight with a dog. A dog never cheats on you. A dog never wrecks the car, or leaves you for another woman, or comes home drunk and hits you, or yells at you when you've had a bad day or paid the bills late. Sometimes dogs get a little irritable or even sulky, but they can't stand to be for long. They can't stand to have a cloud pass, they can't stand to think that you might not love them anymore. A dog is always there for you. A dog is always thrilled when you come home, as if he thought maybe you weren't ever coming back, and you were his whole life, but now you're back and everything's okay.

I heard him die and didn't even realize it at the time. He was sleeping, kind of breathing unevenly, and then he let out this rattling sigh. The thing is, he sighs in his sleep a lot. I heard once that dogs sigh when they're happy--I always thought his sighs sounded sad, kind of depressed, even, but I watched him for a while after I heard about that and realized he only sighed when he was happy and content. I'm going to try to remember while I'm over here crying that that's the last thing I heard him do.


Here's some pictures, in case you're wondering what he looks like. Yes, he's wearing his Talk Like a Pirate Day scarf from two years ago.

ETA: Thanks for all the good wishes and kind thoughts, y'all. I may or may not be back on tomorrow--bitching about a fever and a cold seems kind of trivial now.

Comments

[phoenixforhire.livejournal.com]

Puppy....

;_;

I'm so sorry, hon.

[waltzingalong.livejournal.com]

Sorry about your dog, man. It's not silly to grieve so much about a dog -- I grieved over my last cat, and I am so not looking forward to the day Anya leaves us.

[phanatic.livejournal.com]

Ah, shit, Cleo, I'm so sorry. At least he went out in warm home next to people who loved him.

I know it probably sounds strange to grieve this much over a dog--my sister's fallen to damn pieces, by the way--when so many people suffer and die around the world.

Dogs are better than a lot of those people. Nothing strange about it.

[talyr.livejournal.com]

I'm terribly sorry for you. I lost my dog fairly young as well, very unexpectedly, while i was out of the country, and that is still one of the worst experiences of my life. I will be thinking of your Lucky tonight.

[brittastic14.livejournal.com]

Oh no it's not strange to greive over a dog at all!

I am so sorry for your loss

[maetang.livejournal.com]

I think anyone who has loved and lost pets understands that they are a member of the family. I'm sorry you lost him, and that this happened so suddenly.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

I am sorry for your loss. He sounds like a champ of a dog.

[viggofest.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry. Long distance hugs to your whole family.

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

Oh, how sad. So sorry for ya'll. He was just adorable.

[kilted.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry, sweetheart... It's really hard to lose a pet, I know. My cat died recently and I'd had him since I was 2, making him 19. It's rough... Hang in there. ♥

[dancingbarefoot.livejournal.com]

Its never silly to mourn and miss the little souls who teach us about unconditional love. I just lost the little lady in my icon a year ago last month and there are times when I still look for her.

*will keep all of you and of course the little sir in my prayers*

[adoresixtyfour.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about the unconditional love thing tonight. Three years back, when I had to have my beloved kitty Lottie put to sleep at age 10 (that sounds old, but since cats can live into their 20s, not so much), one of my friends pointed out that the loss of a pet hurts so much because they give love unconditionally.

Recently, I moved out of the apartment I lived in with Lottie and her sister (whom I still have and hope to for a bit longer). When the place was nearly empty and all that was left were stray boxes and bags, I could have sworn that, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lottie walking into the room. And maybe I did.

Again, my condolences to you, Cleo. Fare thee well, Little sir.

[junipersgame.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry :(

[futureperfect.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone thinks it strange to grieve that much. I remember what it was like when our Midge died and she was eight. It's terrible when they're so young and you could have had so many more years with them.

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss.

[travelsizedoug.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[ohsobulletproof.livejournal.com]

hugs. you're right though. the purest form of love is that which you share with your favorite animal. to you he's not just a pet he's a member of your family that you can share things with and cry with and laugh with. its tough, i know. hugs forever.

[mein-zwitter.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Cleo. At least it sounds like he went peacefully.

I have to agree with the others - it's not insane to grieve this much over an animal. Not at all.

I'll be sure to keep Lucky in my thoughts tonight.

[clodia-risa.livejournal.com]

Its not strange to grieve that much. I've lost two pets who meant a lot to me. Casey, my cat that I had for about 8 years, we had to give away when my dad lost his job, and we had to move from our house to a townhouse that didn't allow pets. Bridget, my mom's puppy, only lived with us a little over a year before she ran out in the road and got hit by a car. I lost Casey four years ago, Bridget about a year ago.

I'm crying right now.

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

It's always tough to lose a beloved friend, but especially when they go suddenly. I woke up one morning a few years ago to find my 4-year-old cat Terry was ill; it turned out to be renal failure and we had to put him donw that same day. I still worry that one of my dogs will get sick all of a sudden and I'll lose them.

Lucky was a very handsome dog, by the way. Very handsome.

[artemis-archer.livejournal.com]

Cleo, I'm so sorry. Not everyone realizes how much a pet can mean to a family and from your entries it's clear how much you love yours. I'm so sorry =[

[thatpalechick.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.
*goes to hug dog*

[brainchild129.livejournal.com]

Cleo, I totally understand. I feel the same way about my cats -- a cat will always listen, and (usually) be there for you, no matter what it's personality is like, so long as you can provide food and a bit of affection. I don't know what I'd do if any of them died, much less right before me. Hell, I got upset and had to call my mother when I accidentally killed my betta fish at college.

You just keep focusing on the good life your Lucky had, and that he went gently into that good night. He didn't suffer too much, and he didn't have to be put to sleep, and that's not a bad way for a dog to go.

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

Awww, he's adorable. :-)

[missmp.livejournal.com]

Oh darling, I'm crying for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss. As everyone else has said, it's not at all strange to grieve so intensely. I'll keep you and Lucky in my thoughts and prayers.

[splits_thesky]

I'm so sorry. He sounds like he was a wonderful dog. *hugs*

[unwoundfantasy.livejournal.com]

Losing a pet is a very different and very painful sort of grief. I'm so sorry for your loss. ♥