The Passion of the Limeade

[cleolinda]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I narrowly escaped death yesterday. We were going to watch the Batman Begins dvd. Wouldn't it be nice to get lunch first? Yes. Yes it would.

So Mom and I go to Sonic to order food for the two of us and for Sister Girl. The parking lot is almost entirely empty, and it's after one o'clock. She puts in our order over the speaker: a grilled chicken salad with ranch dressing and a cherry slush; another grilled chicken salad with Italian dressing and a limeade slush; an order of popcorn chicken, onion rings, and a limeade slush; and a hot fudge sundae and a banana split. Keep in mind that my mother is Big Business Supermom and has excellent diction. The speaker chick has her repeat her order three times. I should have known we were going to have trouble, but it was a large order, so okay.

We wait.

We wait some more.

A girl comes out with our food. She brings only two drinks: cherry and limeade. My mother tries to explain to her that we ordered two limeades. I don't think the girl spoke English very well, based on the way she replied and the way she stared at my mother, like she was doing advanced long division, because that's totally how I look when I'm trying to understand French. So we finally convinced the girl that we had paid for a third drink. After she left, it occurred to my mother to check the bag of food. She had a little sack of popcorn chicken; I had the big bag. In the bag: two salads, no onion rings. She tries to flag the girl back down so she doesn't have to make two trips, but no dice. She gets the woman back on the speaker thing and tells her that we need onion rings. The girl comes out with the drink. The ordeal is getting so protracted at this point that I don't even remember what happened next, except that it involved us getting the woman on the speaker a third time and my mother getting increasingly angry. Oh, I remember! She took a sip of the third drink while we were waiting for the onion rings and discovered that it wasn't limeade slush at all--it was Sprite.  So now she's back on the speaker (aside, to me: "I hate Sprite. I DETEST SPRITE"), and we finally get a different girl out there with the limeade slush, and the girl says, "I tried to tell them..." Now, I don't know what this means, unless she's saying that someone inside was bound and determined to bring us a Sprite, but... it didn't help, is what I'm saying.

My mother takes a sip of the limeade.

It's not a slush.

I seriously thought we were not going to make it home alive. My mother starts throwing a royal tantrum, and let me tell you, this is unusual. I think what pissed her off so bad is that Sonic isn't a restaurant you can really go inside--it's just an old-fashioned parking-lot service kind of thing. If she could have gone inside, she would have given them her This Is Not Acceptable speech, and she could have watched them do whatever, and it wouldn't have taken forty-five minutes to fuck three different things up. But she couldn't, so now she's actually throwing a vehicular kindergarten hissy as she's gunning it down the highway. (She's also cussing a blue streak, but everything my mother knows about effective cursing I taught her when I came home from college.) She is just going to throw all her food AWAY. She wouldn't eat it now if you PAID HER. And her banana split is MELTED NOW! IT IS WORTHLESS, DO YOU HEAR HER??

And then.

We're almost home. This teenage girl in a white VW is in front of us going two miles an hour. We can't shake her--she seems to be going exactly the same way we are. Moreover, she won't let us pass. My mother gets so angry that she starts riding her bumper to make a point. The girl then starts braking randomly, for spite. We're both stopped at a neighborhood turn, waiting for two other cars to go, and my mother picks up her limeade and rolls down the window. I seriously started trying to remember my stepfather's cell number so I could call him to bail Mom out of jail. At the last minute, she seems to realize the futility of hurling a beverage at a teenager's car and just dumps it out on the road.

And the girl continues to brake the rest of the way home and not let Mom pass. She finally turns right exactly at the intersection where we turn left into our cul-de-sac.

"I'll go tell [Sister Girl] we're back," I say, and race upstairs to tell her the story ("And so if anything is wrong with the order, DO NOT TELL HER").

We sit down. They gave me ranch dressing instead of Italian. "I like the dressing we have better!" I chirp, which is true. Except that the salad turns out to be awful. Sister Girl tries to warn me of this, but I'm already biting down on a piece of grilled chicken, and it squeaks. So I had a cold fudge sundae for lunch, and I LIKED IT, and that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

(Sister Girl does try to point out to Mom that this was probably a novice driver, and if some crazy middle-aged woman had been riding Sister Girl's bumper and harassing her, Mom would have been livid. Mom smiles, sort of crazily, and says, "Do not try to use logic with me today."

"Why didn't you throw the drink at the girl?" asks Sister Girl, after a moment. "Because that would have made my life."

"Because I realized I wouldn't be able to throw it very far," says Mom. "I don't have a very good arm.")



Fin.

Comments

Amazing coincidence of not-reading-closely

[marciamarcia.livejournal.com]

So I saw "we almost died" and the part about the VW, and for a split second I totally thought my friends list was going to collide in a horrible way as a friend of mine, who owns a bug, got into a massive wreck yesterday. I thought she was the one going slow and you were about to say you saw the bug get rammed by a red-light-runner.

But this wasn't the case at all...and now there's no point to my "wow" moment whatsoever.

[achipiquonque.livejournal.com]

How tedious. Yecgh. Sounds like both you and Mom could use a spa treatment. On the bright side, it makes for a humorous anecdote.

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

You know, this sounds tragically familiar, as my mother I have the worst luck in the world. *sighs dramatically* Also - I am convinced that Sonic is actually a company controlled by feeble-minded aliens whose goal on our planet is to drive mother/daughter teams towards the breaking point of insanity.

[dtwirler.livejournal.com]

This story just made my day. :)

[prncssaurora.livejournal.com]

Hee! Also, Sister Girl's comment at the end is so something I would have said.

As an aside, my roommate is OBSESSED with Sonic limeade slush.

[greyduck.livejournal.com]

Sweet merciful crap... hilarious now, infuriating at the time, I'm sure. "Because I realized I wouldn't be able to throw it very far," indeed. I wish I had that much self-possession when I'm in mid-tantrum...

[frodosgoosegirl.livejournal.com]

Ohhh Sonic. Heh. I miss them. Well not the bad service part. They don't have them in Chicago (although we still get commercials) so whenever we go south it's like STOP AT SONIC OR DIE.

Also your book came today! I am excited. Except my brother and sister keep stealing it away from me. Apparently I have to finish it today so they can read it, however I prefer to prolong Teh Funny.

good idea, mom!

[lafemmezilla.livejournal.com]

Well if that's not an incentive for me to improve my pitching arm, I don't know what it is.

[corkdorkdan.livejournal.com]

So, uh... did you at least like the movie? Personally I thought it was the best movie of the summer, and if I was in a pissy mood due to a craptastic lunch, it would have made me happier.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, I saw it on opening weekend and loved it. Even my mother agreed that it's probably the best Batman movie they've made.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Mom smiles, sort of crazily, and says, "Do not try to use logic with me today."

Oh dear god (if you exist) I am dying of laughter take me now please thanks!

[lylassandra.livejournal.com]

Seriously, Cleo... is your mom related to mine? =)

[notashamed.livejournal.com]

not only is your mother one of my new favorites, but you have created quite possibly the best Entry Tag EVER.

[entropy-and-me.livejournal.com]

I was going to say that, too! Yes, that is truly the best tag ever. I can't wait to use that...well, I can, because that would mean I had been in a bad situation...but you know what I mean...

[girlalmighty]

Oh goodness gracious. I mean, I understand how hard it is to do things when your customers are getting upset, but damn if they weren't asking for your mom to just lay the smackdown on them. Honestly, is it that difficult?

Though I still need to go to Sonic. I've never been; we don't have them in California, so far as I know. I'm in Virginia now, though, and there's one across from Target, and I think a limeade slushie sounds divine.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

The limeade and the sundae were actually really, really good--I think Sonic is my favorite fast-food sundae. Just... don't order anything more complicated than that.

[zoniduck.livejournal.com]

I totally feel your mom on the Sonic hate. They really can be a bunch of complete nitwits. They're so bad that I've actually gotten to the point where I'll take everything out of the bag and check it before I drive away. I just got sick of getting home and finding that they'd left things out.

I'm guessing it has something to do with the speakers, because nobody that dumb could fill out a job app, let alone get hired. It has to be the equipment.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, but you can't give them *too* much credit, either. Anyone who worked there more than three flippin' days would realize how crappy the speakers were and (if common sense were even remotely an issue) take to sprinting out to the cars with a pad and pen.

But alas. THEY DO NOT. For they are morons and great in number.

[princessstarr.livejournal.com]

"Why didn't you throw the drink at the girl?" asks Sister Girl, after a moment. "Because that would have made my life."

"Because I realized I wouldn't be able to throw it very far," says Mom. "I don't have a very good arm."

*chokes on Diet Pepsi from laughing so hard*

[fieryrogue.livejournal.com]

Story of the Week. Yay.

[theonlykow.livejournal.com]

I walked into the Sonic next to my old Blockbuster on a few occasions, usually because they would fuck up an order I had gotten for someone else or something, and it freaks them out, haha. For future reference, they do have an area you can go inside, and if you do, they know you mean buisness. Fucking Sonic.

[kokopellinelli]

...It scares me that your chicken SQUEAKED when you bit it...

Also, your mom sounds kinda like mine. Love crazy moms! ^_^

[treehugginhippy.livejournal.com]

Okay. Okay. It really is time for me to stop laughing now.

[bohotremere.livejournal.com]

First off, I'm not even going to ask which Sonic it was, as it just might turn out to be the one closest to me. :)

Secondly, your mom very much reminds me of my mom. Must just be something that living in B'ham does to mothers.

Sowwy...

[suenosdejmi.livejournal.com]

Poor Sonic. They do that often.
One time I ordered a blended Dr. Pepper Float, & received a lemon dr. pepper float, which you couldn't tell the difference in until you tasted it.

OMG eew is all I can say.

Re: Sowwy...

[theonlykow.livejournal.com]

"Can I get a lemon-cherry creamslush?"
"Yeah, sure."
*recieves a lemon-berry coke*
"Uhhh, the fuck, sir?"

Repeat, ad nauseum, for two years.

[aimeejb.livejournal.com]

Hi,
I am a compulsive lurker here at livejournal, and I think this is quite possibly the first comment i've made in...a year. But I just wanted to let you know: your entry made my day just a little bit better. One of my teacherd has just died, someone who wasn't just a teacher, she was a friend, and I found out today, so I was having the crappiest day in all of the world.

This entry brought the first geniune happiness that I've felt all day, and I actually laughed and forgot about the crappiness of life for a moment.

I thought it merited a comment.

So, thank you.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry! My condolences.

[fairyfey.livejournal.com]

That's pretty crappy service, but at least it makes for a good story? XD

[emargaret.livejournal.com]

Jesus H.

We back on for Wednesday?

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Woot!

[gryphonmage.livejournal.com]

Your mom sounds like my mom. Except that when this happened to us, she got out of the car, walked into the kitchen, made the carhop cry, and came back with our order fixed. I love her, but she's a little scary sometimes.

[yarha.livejournal.com]

Fast food = bad. Anger management = good. Road rage = double un-good. However, squeaky chicken = bad/possibly fatal.

Your mom recovering from surgery OK? She sounds a bit on the edge.

Yarha, Edgy

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

She's actually recovered beautifully, even after it turned out to be more intensive than she thought. The problem, I think, is that she's head of a benefits department and last week was Open Enrollment, and I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I know enough to dread its coming each year.