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Jul. 25th, 2005 12:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cleolindaHave been... well, sort of depressed and burnt out lately. It's one of those weird "blah" depressions--not sad, not angsty at all. I feel perfectly happy. I just feel... draggy and reluctant. About... well, everything. Felt very standoffish lately as well, like I'm pushing people away. Also blocked. Having a hard time getting things done--I mean, that's why the Empire recaps have been going up a full week later; they're hella easy compared to Lost, and I used to get Lost recaps up the same night. It's not "can't get out of bed" depression--it's more like "play Free Cell all day" depression, if that makes any sense.
The last time I got like this, really got like this bad, was my last semester of college. The semester before, I was writing papers in three languages and had some scary-ass exams, all of which I passed with As. But I remember being so stressed out--pushing myself so hard--that when Christmas came, I was just done. I should have already applied to grad school anyway, but I sure as hell wasn't going to at that point. I spent the spring term, thus, feeling "broken"--like I'd pushed myself so hard that I'd just popped a sprocket or something. I couldn't write papers, nearly failed half my classes, and flunked out of the Honors Program because I just didn't turn in a presentation (and didn't withdraw in time). I ended up taking a year off just to stare out the window and wonder when the real me was coming back.
I understand now why I had to go through that--I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and my life would have gone in a completely different direction if I had gone straight to graduate school after college. For one thing, I probably would have gone to school out of state, or in Tuscaloosa at the very nearest. I probably would have met some great people and become a lot more independent. It's true, I gave up a lot of opportunities while I was depressed. But at the same time, I probably wouldn't be sitting here watching the mail for the proofs of my first book if I'd gone. And one of the things I rediscovered on my time off was my own writing style: the way I wanted to write, and the things I wanted to write about, which are not the things that most writing programs encourage you to write--that is, nothing that could be seen as "popular" or "entertaining." Not to sound too snarky about it, but... yeah.
Anyway, my point (if I can fish it out) is that I understand why I had to go through it once. I really don't want to go through that kind of depression again--I'm burnt out, yes, but I'm not at any kind of crossroads. I'm happy with where I am in general, unlike last time. I'm just not springing back from that homestretch of book-writing the way I thought I would. And this is why there haven't been any new "Fifteen Minutes"--I'd written down a few notes here and there on various movies, but I feel like I'm scraping an empty barrel right now. I can't think of anything to write for my poetry group. I'm not completely blocked--there are a couple of long-term projects that I'm noodling away on--but I'm having an extremely hard time with anything that would actually need to be, you know, finished.
I'll get through this. I always do. It's just frustrating when it's here.
Linkspam:
OH NOES BPAL HAS DISCONTINUED GLITTER *SOB* It smells like bubblegum and My Little Ponies on me, y'all! MY SOUL CRAVES MORE.
Kept meaning to post this--I am so behind. Opening lines for frustrated Harry Potter fanfic writers. (WARNING: Half-Blood Prince spoilers.)
What happens when you piss off JK Rowling in chat. (WARNING: I don't remember, but there are probably spoilers in here, too.)
Mmm, torta. I've been looking for a recipe for this since a student teacher made this for us in high school. ("Looking for a recipe" may here mean "idly wishing I had one, whenever I happen to remember it.")
The V for Vendetta trailer. Alan Moore comic, Wachowski Brothers producing. Kind of Matrix rip-offy, but okay. Natalie Portman's not doing much for me, but I would put down money to watch Hugo Weaving read the phone book, so... sigh, I guess I'm there.
OMG THEY'RE ACTUALLY MAKING PERFUME INTO A MOVIE. FOR REAL THIS TIME. Also, Alan Rickman is in it. See, I knew y'all would be interested.
I Am a Japanese Schoolteacher. More to the point, he's a black, 6'3" American schoolteacher constantly battling to save his ass from the pointed fingers of his students ("ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!"). Hilarious, still updating, and not your usual omgkawaii!! look at Japanese culture.
Over at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
plan_9_from_lj, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lezopez recaps National Treasure.
jinx_says: Comic recs for everyone! With scans, naturally.
Grrr. Off to stare at a blank Word document some more.
The last time I got like this, really got like this bad, was my last semester of college. The semester before, I was writing papers in three languages and had some scary-ass exams, all of which I passed with As. But I remember being so stressed out--pushing myself so hard--that when Christmas came, I was just done. I should have already applied to grad school anyway, but I sure as hell wasn't going to at that point. I spent the spring term, thus, feeling "broken"--like I'd pushed myself so hard that I'd just popped a sprocket or something. I couldn't write papers, nearly failed half my classes, and flunked out of the Honors Program because I just didn't turn in a presentation (and didn't withdraw in time). I ended up taking a year off just to stare out the window and wonder when the real me was coming back.
I understand now why I had to go through that--I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and my life would have gone in a completely different direction if I had gone straight to graduate school after college. For one thing, I probably would have gone to school out of state, or in Tuscaloosa at the very nearest. I probably would have met some great people and become a lot more independent. It's true, I gave up a lot of opportunities while I was depressed. But at the same time, I probably wouldn't be sitting here watching the mail for the proofs of my first book if I'd gone. And one of the things I rediscovered on my time off was my own writing style: the way I wanted to write, and the things I wanted to write about, which are not the things that most writing programs encourage you to write--that is, nothing that could be seen as "popular" or "entertaining." Not to sound too snarky about it, but... yeah.
Anyway, my point (if I can fish it out) is that I understand why I had to go through it once. I really don't want to go through that kind of depression again--I'm burnt out, yes, but I'm not at any kind of crossroads. I'm happy with where I am in general, unlike last time. I'm just not springing back from that homestretch of book-writing the way I thought I would. And this is why there haven't been any new "Fifteen Minutes"--I'd written down a few notes here and there on various movies, but I feel like I'm scraping an empty barrel right now. I can't think of anything to write for my poetry group. I'm not completely blocked--there are a couple of long-term projects that I'm noodling away on--but I'm having an extremely hard time with anything that would actually need to be, you know, finished.
I'll get through this. I always do. It's just frustrating when it's here.
Linkspam:
OH NOES BPAL HAS DISCONTINUED GLITTER *SOB* It smells like bubblegum and My Little Ponies on me, y'all! MY SOUL CRAVES MORE.
Kept meaning to post this--I am so behind. Opening lines for frustrated Harry Potter fanfic writers. (WARNING: Half-Blood Prince spoilers.)
What happens when you piss off JK Rowling in chat. (WARNING: I don't remember, but there are probably spoilers in here, too.)
Mmm, torta. I've been looking for a recipe for this since a student teacher made this for us in high school. ("Looking for a recipe" may here mean "idly wishing I had one, whenever I happen to remember it.")
The V for Vendetta trailer. Alan Moore comic, Wachowski Brothers producing. Kind of Matrix rip-offy, but okay. Natalie Portman's not doing much for me, but I would put down money to watch Hugo Weaving read the phone book, so... sigh, I guess I'm there.
OMG THEY'RE ACTUALLY MAKING PERFUME INTO A MOVIE. FOR REAL THIS TIME. Also, Alan Rickman is in it. See, I knew y'all would be interested.
I Am a Japanese Schoolteacher. More to the point, he's a black, 6'3" American schoolteacher constantly battling to save his ass from the pointed fingers of his students ("ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!"). Hilarious, still updating, and not your usual omgkawaii!! look at Japanese culture.
Over at
plan_9_from_lj, lezopez recaps National Treasure.jinx_says: Comic recs for everyone! With scans, naturally.Grrr. Off to stare at a blank Word document some more.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-25 07:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-28 08:37 pm (UTC)