Empire 1:1, "Pilot"

[cleolinda]

Hmm. Well, now that I have the time, it suddenly occurred to me that I should recap Empire. I mean, hey, it's only six episodes, right? Also, ABC would have you know that it is THE BIGGEST TELEVISION EVENT OF THE SUMMER!!, because, judging from the commercials, nothing says "quality TV" like "women wearing fruit."

But they're showing two of those episodes tonight [Editor's note: I started writing this right after the show ended. You'll see what I mean]--that is so much recapping! Woe unto me, what shall I do? So I watched it in a chat room with some fine folks as a means of sort of taking notes. Little did I realize, however, that this is basically fifteen minutes of show in a two-hour bag. Which is still plenty of time to get drunk, if you play the Crap Miniseries Drinking Game, Empire Edition: drink whenever you hear "Hail Caesar!," "...for the Republic!," "protect," and, if you really have an iron liver, anything stolen from a movie. Warning: I am not responsible for the inevitable death by alcohol poisoning if you do this.



Rome, 44 B.C. It is a time of plummy "British" accents and vaguely ethnic ululating. The voiceover--we will find out that it is a Vestal Virgin Voiceover--goes on and on about blah blah on the shoulders of one gladiator blee. Our gladiator is named Tyrannus, because the gods have a sense of humor, and the actor is named Jonathan Cake, because... well, ditto. None of us were impressed with him at the beginning of the show, but let me tell you what, we were clinging to this guy like a lifejacket by the end. MmmsomeguynamedCake.

P.S. Everything in this series, or miniseries, or whatever, is ripped off from some movie.

You know that first fight Russell Crowe has in Gladiator, in the little rinky-dink arena where he's all like, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED"? Yeah. Rip that scene out and start this show with that. Despite the series having a budget of $50 million--this is what I was hearing, anyway--the grandstands are made of, like, plywood, or maybe popsicle sticks. Caesar and half the senators are there, and I really, really hope this is not the show's attempt at portraying the Coliseum, because it looks a lot like the plank fort we used to have on the playground. Also, I have no idea what they talked about. Seriously, I think my brain has blocked it out in hopes of saving itself. Blah blah politics blah, blibbity blabbity every conversation that's ever been in any movie about Rome ever: The senate is Rome! No, the mob is Rome! No it's not! Yes it is! Maaaaaaaaaaaa, he got his mob in my Rooooooooome! And so on. Oh, and Caesar tells his sister ("Atia"?) that she spoils Octavius, and she's like, yeah, but you gave him the twenty awesome horses for his birthday, and I'm going, Don't ask what he did with the horses. Don't ask what he did with the horses.

[Simultaneously:]

Princess Cleolinda:: wait, is that the music from Braveheart?

matrixchick:: do my ears hear braveheartesque music?

sneezydove:: hey it's the music from braveheart!

Someone pointed out at this point that Cicero is actually being played by an actor from Braveheart--the guy who was going to rape Wallace's wife!--but I totally didn't believe it until I looked it up for myself. Julius Caesar is Colm Feore, whom I associate most readily with The Chronicles of Riddick. Also, I think his golden laurel circlet is made of plastic. It's that kind of movie. Oh, and Caesar's nephew Octavius is an Orlando Bloom-lite screwup who's late for gladiation because he was with his girlfriend, who is basically the Roman Mila Kunis. Back at the arena, they totally namecheck the Battle of Carthage (second big fight in Gladiator. Maybe third?), and a bunch of guys in weird masks come out, and Tyrannus has two swords and throws elbows undaunted and kills everyone bloodlessly, which we accomplish by cutting to Caesar and a bunch of senators in the stands at opportune moments.

VESTAL VIRGIN TEMPLE. No, really, it says that on the TV. Seriously, you have to see these location titles for the scenes; the font's almost... Wild West-looking. Anyway, Octavius hits on our Vestal Virgin Voiceover chick. They talk about gods and Minerva and blah. Vaguely ethnic wailing (Titanic?) warbles in the background. The Vestal Virgin Camane Camaro (TM Stephen Trendy) is decked out like Padme of Troy in a billowy pastel kind of robey thing.

Blah blah more politics blah. Mark Anthony looks like someone, but I can't think who. Really light eyes, very striking. Tom Sizemore, but without the batshit? NO! I KNOW WHO IT IS! IT'S EUDORUS FROM TROY! Damn, these people are shameless.

(I should mention here that the IMDB credits list him as "Marc Anthony." This character has requested that I change the spelling to the more historically correct "Mark Anthony," or even "Mark Antony" if I'm feeling real pedantic, because, as he says, "Not married to J. Lo, kthnx.")

elysium:: OKAY so, will someone tell me what the hell is going on so far?

Princess Cleolinda:: jack shit, ely
Princess Cleolinda:: they ripped off the middle of gladiator, and politics are boring

StephenTrendy:: this applebee's commercial looks like it has a bigger budget

[Half the chat defects to House.]

THE SLAVE QUARTERS. You know, for a slave, Tyrannus's wife dresses pretty well. They have a kid named... Piso? You mean, like... Spanish for "floor"? Apparently. He teaches Piso to swordfight with wooden spoons and then Piso is sent to bed and Tyrannus and his wife make out because poor heroic people are always in love and Happy Despite Their Limited Circumstances. Rich people? EBIL. Speaking of which, Tyrannus wakes up to find, like, a Jedi master hanging around outside his little mudbrick of a house. Hey, it's Caesar! Hail Caesar (drink)! Caesar takes Tyrannus walking in a giant field of wheat in daylight, so--damn, that wheat field must have been far away. Hell, I think I see Maximus's kid playing in the background. Caesar takes way too much time explaining the significance of the wooden sword he's giving Tyrannus as a symbol of his freedom so his son won't grow up in chains because LOOK, WE ALL SAW GLADIATOR, OKAY? In return, Tyrannus just has to protect... you know, I forget who. Caesar? Octavius? All I know is, when shit goes down, Tyrannus ain't anywhere near, so the point, she is moot. Tyrannus is all choked up: "I... I don't know what to say." TAKE THE SWORD ALREADY! I'm telling you, everything on this show happens in real time; it's excruciating. They stare at each other moistly.

And then they make out.

Okay, they probably didn't really.

VESTAL VIRGIN TEMPLE. The city of Rome looks like the producer's kid made it for an English project. Camaro's all upset because there's bad juju in the bowls of vestal goat blood or whatever. Virgin Superior Amanda Root is like, "Later, kid, I gotta get back to the Regency era."

SOME MARKETPLACE IN THE SLAVE QUARTER, OR SOMETHING. Look, all I know is that Wifey takes Piso out to the market, and while she's looking at flowers some creepshow with a freaky cataract swipes young Floor, and she runs through the market screaming, "Piso! Pisoooo! PIIIIIIIIIISOOOOOOOOOO!," although I started to wonder at this point if she was actually saying "MISO," or if maybe she was just really hungry, yet woefully unable to find a good restaurant. And then she runs to get Tyrannus at the Gladiation Academy or whatever and she's all like "OMG I LOST PISO" and Tyrannus races to the market and starts screaming for PIIIISOOOO himself, and he keeps asking if anyone's seen a kid "this high," and all the slave extras just stare at him, because hell, the show can't even afford a decent set; they're sure as hell not paying for gratuitous speaking parts.

CAESAR'S TOTALLY SWEET MANSION. Atia: "Brother, do not go to Rome!" Octavius: "Uncle, do not go to Rome!" Vestal Virgin Camaro: "Hail Caesar, the goat blood says don't go to Rome!" Atia and Octavius just kind of stare at her. Caesar goes to Rome, because he fears nothing and will die as he lived and--goat blood? Seriously?

So what we have next is this whole flashing-back-and-forth thing between Tyrannus and Caesar, all set to the enthusiastic wailing of Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow, and I'm telling you, this is the last big scene in this episode, and it starts at eight thirty-five. Cataract Man gives Tyrannus the stink-eye (perhaps literally), and Tyrannus chases him into some dark alley or catacomb or something because they pay him for his gladiation, not his book-learnin', and a bunch of henchdudes are there and of course Tyrannus kills them all. But it takes a really, really long time. And in between every frickin' punch, we cut back to Caesar... sloooowly... inching up... [PUNCH] the Senate... [THRUST] stairs... [PARRY] Haaaaaaail... [STABNATION] Caeeeeesar. Mark Anthony is diverted. The conspirators stare at each other. Caesar sits dowwwwwwwwn. The senators staaaaaaaare. Some Guy comes up and asks Caesar for something and Caesar's like, "Shpffft, hell no," and Some Guy pulls him forward and aaaaall the senatorrrrrrrs staaaaaaaaaaab hiiiiiiiiiiiim. WooooOEoeOEoeOeOeOEOEOEoeoeoeoeEEEEEEEEEE. And I'm telling you, Our Lady goes so flat at this point that you half expect to see Simon Cowell rolling his eyes in the back of the Senate chamber.

Okay. I wanted to have this recap done last night as a surprise. Yeah, it was two hours, but, as we have established, a full fifteen minutes (I am not making this up) was taken up with The Sloooooooooow Death of Juuuuuulius Caeeeeeeeeeesarrrrrrrrrr. But in the middle of writing that last paragraph, I was suddenly gripped with this deathly urge to sleep. Seriously, like I would have a seizure and faceplant on my keyboard if I did not go lie down. Forget the Ambien commercials between each segment, man--all you need is Empire.

So now it's Wednesday and we're still on the Deaaaaaath of Caeeeeeeesarrrrrrrrr. And do you know what he says when young Brutus (who has a strong resemblance to Mr. Bean, I must say) comes up for the last stab? "You... too... my child?" A zombie hand pushes up through the dirt over Shakespeare's grave and gives this show the finger. Meanwhile, Tyrannus retrieves young Floor and he's about to leave and Cataract Guy is like, "You may have saved your son, but what about your CAESAR?" And Tyrannus goes galloping off--I guess he throws Floor into the hut on his way--and this is why I say it doesn't really matter who Caesar asked Tyrannus to protect, because: yeah. He dead. Well, not yet, actually--Tyrannus makes it to the Senate and Caesar is STILL ALIVE. Thirty stab wounds, and he's still kickin'. "Ty...ran... nus... you must... protect him... because... we have clearly... established that... you're so good at... protecting..." Tyrannus, cradling Caesar in his arms, is all like, "Who? WHO?" "You must... protect..." "YES, GOT IT, WHO?" "Not... Mark Anthony... My... heir... Octavius..." And just when you're thinking that this is more protracted than That Death Scene in Matrix Revolutions, Caesar's arm does the Death Flop. Now, this may have been mentioned in one of the Politics Are Boring sections and I just missed it, but apparently this "my heir Octavius" thing is a big ol' WTF. And just then Mark Anthony shows up and he's all shocked and distraught (*emo tear*). And then Mark Anthony storms downstairs to, like, the basement of the Senate (what?) or something, where all the conspirators are hanging out feeling guilty and/or cranky in their bloody robes, and he's all like YOU ASSHATS and Cassius is like STFU and the mob outside is like RAAAA and Mark Anthony's all like, "All I want is to honor Caesar, say, with a funeral speech that will fuck your shit up," and Cassius is like, "Not no but HELL NO."

CAESAR'S TOTALLY SWEET MANSION. I don't know who's playing Atia--I mean, the name didn't ring a bell--but she reminds me a lot of Olivia Hussey. Anyway, Tyrannus rides up and she's all like, "Ew, get your sweaty hands off me, slave!," and he's like, "OMGWTFCAESARISDEAD" and she won't believe him until finally he's like, "LOOK, I AM SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOUR SON, SO MOVE IT OR LOSE IT." And Octavius is all like, "Whaaaa?" And Tyrannus is all like, "I SWORE TO PROTECT YOU," and Octavius is all like, "Whatever, Aragorn." Look! The Evil Romans are coming! Atia sends them off on horses and they gallop off through more fieeeelds of wheeeat and Tyrannus has to bust out some more stabnation with a Dramatic Unsheathing of Sword(s) and I was like, "I swear to God, if he holds that sword in front of his face, I'm... hey, he's kinda hot." And so Tyrannus and Octavius are safe. FOR NOW.

Princess Cleolinda:: okay, what's this music?

Princess Cleolinda:: it's kind of Indiana Jones Love Theme

kitten rat:: left over from a Danielle Steele

Brainchild:: It sounds vaguely like music from the Mask of Zorro

StephenTrendy:: it sounds like the Star Wars music when Luke is watching the suns set

sneezydove:: it's still kinda braveheart to me

And then they ride off into the sunset, The Heir of Caesar and His Kind of Hot But Not Very Good at Protecting Protector. And they totally make out as the Vestal Virgin Voiceover (VVVO) blah-blahs on about something.

No, for real.

Okay, probably not.


(To be continued.)

Comments

[conuly]

Okay, they probably didn't really [make out]

This is Rome. Do you think there's anything stopping them from consumating their obvious lust for one another?

Well, other than the fact that wheat is itchy, I mean.

[hobbitomm.livejournal.com]

Well, certainly Graves (in I, Claudius) has Caesar described by the Sybil at Cumae as 'Every womans man, and every mans woman.'

So....

[careyleah.livejournal.com]

There's no possible way I'm first is there?

A zombie hand pushes up through the dirt over Shakespeare's grave and gives this show the finger.

HAHAHA. Awesome. The whole thing. Thanks for the treat.

[crumpeteer.livejournal.com]

Love the icon.

[morganwolf.livejournal.com]

It sounds so bad I feel like I should watch it now. But I'm busy saving my energy for "The Tick" on ToonDisney. At least your recap made me laugh.

[ter369.livejournal.com]

...who is basically the Roman Mila Kunis. Back at the arena, they totally namecheck the Battle of Carthage

Mila Kunis?

"Namecheck"?

I may be lost, if these are chatspeak references.

About the stadiums made of wood: If the story setting is Rome, that would be accurate, even if it's rickety (temporary for holiday events). Much of the marble we "see" when picturing the city was built later in the empire, from Augustus' period on. Just, you know, not every element of this mini-series sucks. Not that I've seen it.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Mila Kunis is Jackie on That 70s Show. "Namecheck" is basically to allude to something--the line was something like, "the most [adjective noun--what? I forgot] since the Battle of Carthage!"

(Well, there's wood, and there's cheap TV studio wood. But I'll give you that. It was more like the city of Rome looked like a series of dioramas your kid made.)

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

*helpless snorfles*

I watched it after House was over, and was basically hanging around to namecheck, watch Tyrannus (yum!) and point out where they got it totally, totally wrong. Because I am a whore for Rome.

[kestrel127.livejournal.com]

Dude, who hasn't been a whore for Rome?

[sparkythehamstr.livejournal.com]

Your recaps give me the humour of bad television without actually having to suffer through it. I thank you for that.

Also, they totally did make out.

[travelsizedoug.livejournal.com]

Agreed. They would've made out. Homosexuality was far from illegal in Rome.

The show sucks for not expanding upon Roman sexuality.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannd youuuuuu maaaaaadee meeeeeeeeee laaaaaaaaaugh fooooor fiiiifteeeeeeeeeen miiiinutes reeeeeeeeeeaaaaadiiiiiiiiing thiiiiiis reeeviiiieew.

Brilliant, as usual.

[choephora.livejournal.com]

Actually, it *was* illegal, they just all did it anyway!

[crumpeteer.livejournal.com]

There was a death flop? I knew there was a reason I didn't want to watch this series. And of course he had a twenty minute death scene because heaven knows everyone gets a death speech, unless of course you're an extra, and then you can die instantly by and elbow to the gut.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Which I so noticed, by the way. Tyrannus would throw a guy from his horse and the guy would die instantly, never to trouble him again.

[layered.livejournal.com]

Heh.

I am apparently one of the few people who really enjoys Empire. xD

[hail-atlantis.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize until this moment to what extent I've been missing your snark on my Friends List. So funny.

*snerk*

[eithne-ferrish.livejournal.com]

Even though I stopped watching after the "Piso! Pisoooo! PIIIIIIIIIISOOOOOOOOOO!," part, I loved this recap. XD I probably won't even watch the show ever again, and still will read them. Keeps me happy after the loss of Lost. *weep*

And they totally make out as the Vestal Virgin Voiceover (VVVO) blah-blahs on about something.

No, for real.

Okay, probably not.

Dammit, and my newspaper said that this series was about the "relationship" between Tyrannus and Octavius and they made it sound like we were really going to get that scene. I was startled by the fact that they both had women. Tricksey hobbitses!

Re: *snerk*

[rosetapestry.livejournal.com]

*icon love*

[bodhichitta0.livejournal.com]

I totally didn't know what this thing was or even that it was on. (Oh how I wish I could say the same thing about a certain Scientologist who has even vaulted over my VERY HIGH media barriers.)

Funny recap though--sounds like I'm not missing much. :-D

[brittanygrace.livejournal.com]

BEAUTIFUL!

[avehoward.livejournal.com]

Thank you for recapping what I chose to miss because I'd be too pissed off by the crapness that you describe.

[queentab.livejournal.com]

Haha! Fabulous recap as usual.

Tyrannus has two swords and throws elbows undaunted and kills everyone bloodlessly

It was at that point I changed the channel because it just wasn't real enough for me. He is no Maximus! But I am ashamed to admit I kept tuning in to it when ABC wasn't airing ten minute long commercials instead. I think I will wait and get my toga fix when HBO airs Rome.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I CANNOT WAIT FOR ROME.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

I'm disappointed I missed it. I kept seeing the commercials and getting glimpses of a Grace Adler-looking woman and all I could think was that Jews probably weren't welcome in Rome. It's a relief that Deborah Messing was not in this... but I am intrigued by the sort of hot Protector of things that need protecting.

[all-ephemera.livejournal.com]

Dude. Meta'd.
So now it's Wednesday and we're still on the Deaaaaaath of Caeeeeeeesarrrrrrrrr. And do you know what he says when young Brutus (who has a strong resemblance to Mr. Bean, I must say) comes up for the last stab? "You... too... my child?" A zombie hand pushes up through the dirt over Shakespeare's grave and gives this show the finger.

[erythros.livejournal.com]

I was actually almost okay with "Piso", because I thought it was a cute nod to Calpurnia "I am not actually appearing in this thing" Pisone Mrs. Caesar. But then I lost huge brain-pieces when Octavius actually appeared to know that girls existed, and then Servilia tried to kiss her son with tongue instead of ripping his face off for killing her lover Caesar and then I realized that I had trauma-blocked them calling Atia Caesar's sister because everyone knows you pronounce "j-u-l-i-a" as "AH-TEE-AH" and jesus.

And then I read about Brutus looking like Mr Bean and I felt better. Thank you.

t¬

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Thirty stab wounds, and he's still kickin'. "Ty...ran... nus... you must... protect him... because... we have clearly... established that... you're so good at... protecting..." Tyrannus, cradling Caesar in his arms, is all like, "Who? WHO?" "You must... protect..." "YES, GOT IT, WHO?" "Not... Mark Anthony... My... heir... Octavius..." And just when you're thinking that this is more protracted than That Death Scene in Matrix Revolutions, Caesar's arm does the Death Flop.

You slay me dead. I die. Somewhat faster than Caesar. *plop*

(Oh why did I miss this? Why now, when I'm in a house with a TV? How did you know to go to chat?)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Because we planned, in chat, on Monday to do an Empire chat, dude.

[elendiari22.livejournal.com]

This is awesome! This show sounds hokey and hilarious.

[newsong.livejournal.com]

And I'm telling you, Our Lady goes so flat at this point that you half expect to see Simon Cowell rolling his eyes in the back of the Senate chamber.

R. O. F. L.

That's all I have to say, because I'm laughing too hard.

[sneezydove.livejournal.com]

Hey look! It's me!

[karintheswede]

*snorfle*

that has me hoping that the dreck makes it's way across the pond. Cause you made me wanna see it.

I especially liked Caesar taking a day to die, and the Shakespeare bit. I need to rewatch Julius Caesar now. I love that scene so much, you know, with Markus Antonius on the stairs and the "Friends, Romans, Countrymen!" thing and just - Brando. *sigh*

[prncssaurora.livejournal.com]

And in between every frickin' punch, we cut back to Caesar... sloooowly... inching up... [PUNCH] the Senate... [THRUST] stairs... [PARRY] Haaaaaaail... [STABNATION] Caeeeeesar.

Bwahahahaha! Good to have teh snark back. :D

[xanath.livejournal.com]

I'm such a history snob, but the minute I heard Caesar's sister is called "Atia," I lost all interest in Empire. That's not to say that your review isn't fantastic. :D I loved it.

Oh, yeah--I'm definitely itching to see Rome now. HBO has a better budget, no censors, and excellent factcheckers!

--Kris