Oscar entry #13

[cleolinda]

Here's Julia. "Happy birthday, Marva," she purrs. O...kay. Best Director: Big cheers all around. Clint Eastwood wins. Goddamn. I can't believe they actually gave it to him. The experts said he would win. Everyone said he would. I picked him in the pool. And yet I can't. believe. they actually passed. Scorsese. over. again. (Hey... is De Niro getting up? Is he making a phone call...?)

This now makes the Best Picture race really, really interesting. The Aviator picked up a lot of things I wasn't expecting, and yet Million Dollar Baby now has director. So... interesting.

Here's Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand (sigh) to present Best Picture--damn! I think this is the shortest Oscar show ever, y'all. (Sorry, that's just my stock reaction to Streisand: "Sigh.") Best Picture: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STREISAND! OPEN THE ENVELOPE! "Oh, but I've forgotten my glasses..." OPEN THE FUCKING ENVELOPE! OPEN IT! GODDAMMIT! Hoffman reads it and coyly whispers it to Streisand and Streisand's all like, "Hee hee! Hee! ..." GODDAMMIT, WOMAN! "I'm so glad to give you this again, Clint," she says, and the theater goes batshit.

Cleolinda: ohhhhhhh Lord have mercy

Vladimir: WHAT THE FUCK EVER JUST HAPPENED?????

Cleolinda: I know, I know

Vladimir: CAN YOU PLIS FOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Vladimir: NO
Vladimir: NO.
Vladimir: NO.
Vladimir: N. O. NO. NO.

What can I say? The man likes his Aviator.

I don't know who this producer guy talking about his wife and lemon pie with real filling and dying and going to heaven is, but Clint is just standing there squinching at him. Seriously, dude. Shut it. Clint never gets to say anything.

The weird thing about all of this is--often there's a huge, usually historical epic, and then there's a small, actor-driven drama. The two movies duke it out for Best Picture. The epic always wins. I think that, in all my years of watching the Oscars, this is the first time I've seen the small drama win. (Well, Beautiful Mind, but--that doesn't feel small, for some reason. It felt very overblown and pitched to precisely all of the Academy's sweet spots, whereas MDB at least feels more genuine.) Seriously. It's kind of mind-boggling to see the small drama actually win, over a director who's a huge candidate for at least a Hall of Fame sympathy Oscar, and his epic historical movie. Wow.

Chris Rock comes out and says that he hopes everyone had fun (well, Colin and his bitchez out back did, I know that much), and "GOOD NIGHT, BROOKLYYYYYN!" And thus finishes one of the fastest, least satisfying Oscar shows I have ever watched. Not because of who won or lost, but because I wasn't really invested in anyone or anything this year. Except Cate. Yay Cate!

Comments

[quizzicalsphinx.livejournal.com]

Cleo-honey? Go to bed. Really.

[museofswearing.livejournal.com]

Yeah... what the hell just happened? Clint totally rushed his "37-day movie" just so he could get into the Oscars this year, yall. WAY TO MAKE SCORSESE CRY, CLINT. HOW MANLY OF YOU.

[vladimirsever.livejournal.com]

WORD.

CLEO JUST TOLD ME THE TWIST IN M$B. OH WHAT THE FUCK EVER.

[http://users.livejournal.com/lorien__/]

aaawww poor squishy...

Lauren... thank you sooooo much for a brilliant night... you made it soooo much more bareable... cause man it was boring this year... thank you... thank you... thank you...

sweet dreams... mear daw...

L.

[vladimirsever.livejournal.com]

Sweet dreams to you too, Lorien!

Well, at least I did get to meet Jan Kaczmarek in Venice. You know, when everyone else was killing to get Johnny Depp's autograph...

[meyrin-hawke.livejournal.com]

YAY CATE! And goodnight for real this time.

[squee1123.livejournal.com]

and now...we sleep...or i do at least

[lezopez.livejournal.com]

Yea Cate was the only one I was really happy about also.... it was just kinda blah this year. Too bad they couldn't have pulled some massive upset and given an Oscar to Kate or Johnny... or *Horror of Horrors* nominate a movie in the first place like Eternal Sunshine that people wouldn't have expected.


Also: GIL CATES I DAMN YOU TO HELL

[jedilora.livejournal.com]

I was actually watching, and so have just gotten back to the LJ.

By watching, I mean watching the Birdcage on ABCFamily, but did catch the ending. Thank goodness for you, Cleo. Elsewise, I would have no clue what everyone was blathering about tomorrow.

::wanders off to read::

[scornedsaint.livejournal.com]

My sister and I muted both Swank and the Turtle in a form of protest. Not that we particularly loved Aviator, it was just the better of two evils.

And it's all over now. Cate has her Oscar. And so it is done.

[(Anonymous)]

the Turtle

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

[rhodynne.livejournal.com]

Colin and his bitchez are doing what??
Seriously, me=totally stupid, did you see Colin there?

Sorry, just the name 'Colin' gets me going...

Thank You Thank You!
This was my ver first Oscar show with you, and I caouldn't have liked it more!

>that was Noel Coward<

:-D

[vampychick.livejournal.com]

You need to read Cleo's Oscar Spoilers from the Future (http://www.livejournal.com/users/cleolinda/251486.html#cutid1), and all will become clear.

[mellificent.livejournal.com]

Apparently the lemon-pie thing was from the movie. So my husband tells me, anyway.

And thanks for the recaps! You rock!

[word-herder.livejournal.com]

Totally off topic, but that's a great icon, by the way.

[sweetle.livejournal.com]

How come they couldn't bring all the nominees up on stage for the really interesting categories? I would have liked to see Scorsese and his Eyebrows of Doom going up against Clint The Mummy.

(Also, nobody who has been in "Meet The Fockers" should be allowed to present Best Picture. That shit is just wrong.)

[strlite913.livejournal.com]

nobody who has been in "Meet The Fockers" should be allowed to present Best Picture

Haha! That should seriously be made into a rule!

[pigsnicket.livejournal.com]

Awwwww, shoot.

Thank you for doing this Cleo! You made it worth watching! *hug*

[marprelate.livejournal.com]

Boy, did that show suck.

[marprelate.livejournal.com]

Except not your show, THEIR show. Their show sucked! This was really fun and I enjoyed reading it so very much. So thank you!

[mysticowl.livejournal.com]

I think Adrian Brody should've been up there for Best Supporting Actor for the Village.

But damn these oscars felt... short. I don't like my oscars short. It's like when I go to the zoo here in Toronto, I spend the whole day there, going through every zone. Same with the oscars, it's a day-long trip to the zoo, only the animals are wearing pretty gowns by Oscarrrr de la Rrrrenta.

[butindreams.livejournal.com]

I haven't been to the zoo in forever. And yes, the Toronto Zoo. I miss it. :(

And I totally agree. I like when they drag on and on, as long as there's actually something interesting going on, which this year...not so much.

[delle.livejournal.com]

I love watching the Oscars. But, yeah, major boring.

Chris Rock? Crashed and burned.

The "make all the little people stand on stage like Prom Queen candidates" and "hand out some of the 'technical-not-artistic-or-really-important-awards" in the aisles? Insulting, denigrating to those involved. I hope Gil Cates gets hung by his tooties by his tech crew for that particular 'addition'. Horrid. (YAY to the guy that said, these aren't technical awards, these are artistic decisions)

Clint and MDB? I dunno - it may have 'felt' like the small artistic film, but given that is was CLINT'S and all the clout he wields? I wish the awards had gone to Scorcese and Aviator. Just 'cos Clint pisses me off with his aura of entitlement.

And if I never hear Beyonce warble again, I'll die a happy woman.

[gershwhen.livejournal.com]

Clint pisses me off with his aura of entitlement

WORD. Clint THOUGHT he should win, ergo I wanted him to lose. I didn't even LOVE Aviator, but I still was rooting for Marty, because he deserves it and Clint didn't.

::depressed sigh::

[exiledprincess.livejournal.com]

thank you kindly. now off to bed with you. well, maybe you can have a quick drink first

[ladyaurora1ca.livejournal.com]

Sweetie... sleep time now... It will all look better tomorrow, really.

You did an awesome job Cleo. Like always.

[ever-angel.livejournal.com]

That was a very boring Oscar show. Bah.

[ever-angel.livejournal.com]

And I hit post before I was finished. Good job on the recaps! Very funny as always!

[aquidis.livejournal.com]

Noooooo....not Million Dollar Baby......

[marumae.livejournal.com]

Dittooooo

[elbiesee.livejournal.com]

It's over. Thank God. I've run out of snark. And dip.

Thanks for recapping the whole shebang, Cleo... It has been appreciated, especially when things got slow or just plain exasperating. (Like when it turned into the Clint Eastwood Ass-Kiss Festival.)

G'nite.

[alisaselene.livejournal.com]

I am with you on the complete noninvestment or caring who won or lost..I have to say the oscars are so much more interesting with your commentary. Muchos Gracias!

[koritsimou.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Lauren, for this. You helped me de-stress (and procrastinate) like no other. Now off to bed with you, missy.

[edda.livejournal.com]

It was like the Teflon Oscars. Everything just slid by and nothing stuck out. Remember when Billy Crystal hosted all those times and it always felt like this long glittering drug-induced nightmare?

That was fun. Kind of.

[offonmars.livejournal.com]

The epic always wins. I think that, in all my years of watching the Oscars, this is the first time I've seen the small drama win.

Well, there was the big Saving Private Ryan-Shakepeare in Love upset.

[greensounds.livejournal.com]

your icon is delightful and makes me super happy. Where'd you get it?

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Cleo (and Sister Girl). You guys made my night.