cleolinda | Oscar entry #4

Some nonsensical joke about Renée Zellweger gaining weight. I stand by my Betty Boop comment. Look! It's Supporting Actor! C-- You know what? I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and not jinx anybody. Thomas Haden Church bawls in his clip. I have a weird compulsion to laugh, because... well, I've only seen him in sitcoms. Interesting how all the supporting actors are sitting down. Sister Girl: "Okay, that was the only part of Closer that they could show." Morgan Freeman wins, to a standing ovation. I am happy for Morgan Freeman. No, really, I am. (*sob*) Freeman wants to thank anyone ever involved with the making of the picture, like, ever, in the history of ever--WHOA! who's the trophy girl standing next to Renée? Because it's like an Amazon and a ladybug. Anyway, Freeman's speech is classy and brief because he literally says, "everyone involved in the making of this movie, but specifically Clint Eastwood and Hilary Swank." And Clive Owen goes off to get a consolatory lap dance from Natalie Portman.

Heh. A Spartacus take-off commercial for Pepsi. "Whose lunch is this? The name on the bag is... Spartacus!"

Here's Robin Williams--he's supposed to sing a Marc Shaiman song about the sins of cartoon characters (to make fun of the Sponge Bob flap), but I heard that they won't let him. Oh, here's the Sponge Bob reference. You heard it here first. Oh God, now he goes into celebrity cartoon voices--Marlon Brando as Elmer Fudd (and vice versa). Wow, Robin Williams as Jack Nicholson as Bugs Bunny is really terrifying. And here's Best Animated Feature--yup, the song got deep-sixed. "And the Oscar goes to--don't feel bad about the Pixar people, they have iPod stock--to The Incredibles!" Sister Girl dances. Brad Bird goes for broke on the thanking of people, thereby blowing all the time Gil Cates had saved up from Morgan Freeman's awesome speech of shortness.

Here's Her Cateness--Rock makes an odd joke about Cate being such a good Hepburn that Sidney Poitier came to her house for dinner. Out comes Cate, and... she stops dead in the aisle to talk. What? Help? Why? Aaand here we are for Best Makeup. Yay! Snicket wins! The Jim Carrey makeup really was astonishing--and there's the obligatory "This is a very fortunate event" statement. Sigh. Why are we accepting out in the audience? Who thought this was a good idea? Also? SIT DOWN ALREADY!

Here's Drew Barrymore with really scary red hair and raccoon eyeshadow with the first Best Song performance, "Look to Your Path" from Les Choristes. And here's Beyonce, becaue we'd actually gone half an hour without her. And she's singing in French. Sister Girl: "Ten bucks says she doesn't know what she's saying." Me: "Well, of course she doesn't!" Beyonce looks like a fruit salad. Also, there is a boy choir scattered up and down the stage. Beyonce stands on the stage, undulates left and right, and goes, "OooooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOO!" Yeah. I'm sure there's no French singer we could have gotten to do this. There's a kid in the choir sitting on a step with his arms on his knees with this total look on his face like, Jesus. HA!

THANK GOD FOR COMMERCIALS.