Oscar entry #1

[cleolinda]

“Hey, self, I just had a great idea!”

 

“What’s that, self?”

 

“Let’s try to switch out monitors exactly eight minutes before red carpet coverage starts on ABC!”

 

“Why, self! That is BRILLIANT!”

 

[Five minutes later:]

 

“AHHHHH, FUCK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

 

 

 

The weird thing about celebrity culture—particularly our current culture, in which everyone is famous for fifteen minutes, or at least thirty seconds—is that I feel compelled to namecheck things I know you don’t give a shit about. Like, I feel like I should be telling some breathless reporter, “Well, my bubblebath was Bath and Bodyworks’ Mango Mandarin; my towel was Royal Velvet; and my pajamas are by Laundry Basket."

"Now, we're hearing that your drink tonight is Sunkist...? Beverage stylists across the country are asking, what happened to your lifelong collaboration with Mountain Dew?"

"Well... [wistful shrug] they just didn't show up today. Sunkist stepped in when I needed them most."

And the reporter will shake her head and wish me a good night with the commentary.

 

 

Hilary Swank is in some strangely draped blue (silk jersey?) number that’s actually pretty flattering. Leo actually brought Gisele. DEATH TO BILLY BUSH. He’s cornered Hilary and is reciting her life story to her while she nods placidly. Chris Connelly has Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, who are starting to look like cadaverous spiky-haired twins. Annette’s actual date tonight is Prince Valium, I fear. Here’s Jamie Foxx and some littlegirl, I didn’t catch who. I’m a teensy bit sick of hearing about Ray Charles. Is that terrible? OMG THERE GOES JAKE GYLLENHAAL JAKE I LOVE YOUUUU!

 

Here’s Halle Berry. Nice long sleek hair, nice grey dress… nice. Not real exciting, but nice. Ooo, I like her earrings. What’s the most important criterion for a dress? “Know your own body.” WORD. They replay Halle’s weeping acceptance speech and, my favorite part, the shot of Renée Zellweger weeping in turn, because… why? Here’s Tom Hanks’ Philadelphia speech. Oh, Jesus Christ, here’s Roberto Benigni—heeeeee, they cut his clip off before they even get to him climbing over the seats.

 

Oh, Renée. Hon. You look like Betty Boop fresh out of a concentration camp. Given the dark hair, the red dress is an admirable attempt, but… girl needs a good twenty more pounds to pull it off.

 

Hee, it’s Leo. He talks to Chris Connelly respectfully, like he’s a math teacher. God bless. Also? He looks sooooo much older than he did in Titanic, for obvious reasons, but… yeah.

 

Oh, here’s Laura Linney, and if she didn’t have raccoon eyeliner, she would have knocked this one out of the park. I love her pearls.

 

Virginia Madsen: Great black on blue Versace, excellent chandelier diamond earrings. Shit, I turned my head and I missed, like, three people on the carpet. Oh, thank God, a commercial. I have time to update.

Comments

[brett-the-vet.livejournal.com]

hehe

[modpixie.livejournal.com]

cate: pretty!

gwynnie makes me want to break out in a rousing rendition of "cameltoe" by fannypack.

maybe swank's dress looks better irl, but on the 'puter screen it resembles one of kate bush's castoffs.

[squee1123.livejournal.com]

heh...i was panicking becasue I hadn't checked my f-list all day...then as it's palying i'm rushing to read everything that I missed.

i too was happy for a commercial break so i could with peace.

[spectralbovine.livejournal.com]

What's with Laura Linney's hair? She looks like some spacebeast.

[buenabuena.livejournal.com]

I'm more worried about that bleached, frizz-a-thon seated atop Scarlett Johansen's head. At least the little tiara is nice.

And who names their kids Kirsten and Christian? I'll bet they get those two confused a lot at that house.

Emmy Rossum looked good ...

[(Anonymous)]

Saw pictures online - wearing a red mermaid type dress. WTF was Scarlett Johansson thinking with that dress and hair though? Maybe it looked better live but the pictures were scary.

[arayuldaiel.livejournal.com]

Soo...did you ever get a chance to switch moniters?

[mysticowl.livejournal.com]

My favourite part about the Halle Berry speech, which they didn't show, was Whoopie Goldberg's snark afterwards, reminding people that a black woman has already been there. I love Whoopie. I wish she was hosting.

Already bringin the funny ...

[(Anonymous)]

"Now, we're hearing that your drink tonight is Sunkist...? Beverage stylists across the country are asking, what happened to your lifelong collaboration with Mountain Dew?"

"Well... [wistful shrug] they just didn't show up today. Sunkist stepped in when I needed them most."

Giggle

[alpheratz.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say thanks for these posts, as I have no television but nevertheless want to know what's going on.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

His hair! His hair! His beautiful glorious I-wanna-run-my-fingers-through-it-hair is GONE!!

::weeps::

[gracefallson-me.livejournal.com]

ok? that little girl was his little girl and Halle looks beautiful!!! and i love laura linney tonight! she looks fab!!!!

[kimmie-chan.livejournal.com]

Did you see that Halle Berry accepted her Razzie (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7039933/) in person? I thought her comment, "my mother told me that if you could not be a good loser, then there's no way you could be a good winner," was rather classy. And good PR. ^^

[kimmie-chan.livejournal.com]

Ah, you did! Sorry, I somehow missed that entry. *braindead*

[pescivendolo.livejournal.com]

I was watching the E! red carpet thing and noticed these things -

1. Gwyneth has the quad boobs going on.

2. Starr Jones missed a fat roll when stuffing herself into that dress.

3. I love that Maggie Gyllenhaal's representing the small-boobied pale white chicks. We need representation.

/shallow bitchiness

[distant-cord.livejournal.com]

I'm actually using Bath and Body Works' Mango Mandarin body wash right now. I love the way it smells.

[cinnamontwist.livejournal.com]

It's weird to think that Leo was the Orlando Bloom back in Titanic days. But thankfully, he has acting skills. I hope that now he's outgrowing hios "baby" face people will start to take him more seriously. He rocked in Aviator!

[valancy-s.livejournal.com]

Dude, I dunno... I think Hilary Swank's dress (from the front anyway) looks like something Seven of Nine would wear for a night at the holoclub.

[notemily.livejournal.com]

"Look at my dress! You THINK it's a conservative, tasteful dress... BUT NO! IT HAS NO BACK! FOOLED YOU!!!"

[penelopeblack.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I <3 Jake Gyllenhaal too. :D Totally agree on Renee. I like her, but the dress didn't look quite right. Plus those huge rings under her eyes... Yes, she needs to gain a bit of weight.