Five more rants

[cleolinda]

For beau_wolff: Might I request, then, a rant on the evils of allowing children in movie theatres?

Ah, a request close to my heart. Dear Parents: If you DARE take a two-year-old to any movie rated higher than PG and I happen to be there, I will introduce you to a brave new world of PAIN. It's bad enough that I ended up seeing King Arthur with my mother, but it is absolutely INSUPPORTABLE that I was already sitting next to her during the oh-so-not-PG-13 sex scene and then we both hear from the front of theater, clear as day, "Momma, why is he hurting her?" NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOO. And if you bring your blessed sprog to Phantom of the Opera and I happen to be there, I will SLAY. YOU. You don't even want to know the things I heard come out of the mouth of a wee innocent child--again, in the front row! what is with the front row?!--all throughout that movie. Okay, so you do want to know. Let's just say that it started off with, "Momma, where is he taking her? Momma, why is he touching her? Does she like that, Momma?" and it just went wayyyyyy the fuck downhill from there.


For shoiryu: Rant for me about THOSE DAMMED DIRTY FURRIES.

"Hi, I'm a damned dirty furry. No, not one of those furries who just likes to draw anthropomorphic animals. Or even anthropomorphic animals doing the freaknasty. Or who think they themselves are or were in a previous life anthropomorphic animals (freaknasty optional but preferred). No, I'm one of those furries who gets his jollies inside a mascot fursuit. I particularly freaked Cleo out at that basketball game where I kept rubbing up against people surreptitiously in a panther suit. Or maybe I was just trying to push through the crowd to get back to my post before the end of halftime. She's not sure. All she knows is that it freaked her out because she'd just read that infamous Vanity Fair article, and she's pretty sure that I went home afterwards and opened the secret hole in the front of my fursuit and proceeded to violate several stuffed animals. Don't lie, you know Wish Bear was asking for it with that pretty mouth of his."


For telesilla: If you still have a rant in you, could you share your feelings on fangirls who dis their favorite actors' female co-stars?

"Hi! I'm a fangirl! Like most of you, I love a lot of different movies, but right now I'm all up in Phantom of the Opera, so I have to say: Isn't Emmy Rossum just the most vapid talentless WHORE of all time? I mean, look at the way she sluts around in that movie in all those corsets all over my boyfriend Gerard Butler! I mean, never mind that there wouldn't be any sexing up to watch in the first place if she weren't there to be sexed up... upon... and... stuff. I was clearly available to film this movie and yet, somehow, no one ever got in touch with me. I'm sure Emmy stole my number out of the director's Filofax. It's awful and terrible and she should DIE. P.S. The bitch thinks she can sing but she totally can't." 

"Oh, you think you've got it bad? At least they're just pretending! I'm a Lost fangirl, and my heart was broken last week when Dom and that SLUTBITCH WHORETRAMP EVANGELINE LILLY revealed backstage at the Golden Globes that they are totally in wuv. I mean, not that they actually came out and said so like it was any of our business, but it was OBVIOUS. I mean, she was letting him kiss on her all night! How dare she! And they look really happy together, too! The NERVE of that bitch, having a relationship with another consenting adult to their mutual happiness and satisfaction! Why can't she just LEAVE HIM ALONE so he can tape my favorite TV show by day and lie awake at night and dream of me Elijah Wood his adoring fans? ISN'T THAT FULFILLING ENOUGH?"


For t4_flirt: Nick Carter, on his once having dated Paris Hilton.

"Damn, what was I thinking? Multiple STD medications are expensive, yo."


For lezopez: I would love to see a rant on the absurdness of Botox, which pisses me off to no end (Nicole Kidman, darling, you used to be beautiful. WTF?).

"Hi, I'm Baz Luhrmann. I hate it when actresses Botoxify themselves, because while it smoothes out fine wrinkles, it also smoothes out ANY SEMBLANCE OF EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER. Also, several crewmembers were blinded after the beams from a Klieg light struck a certain overshiny forehead too directly... what? Oh, no, I'm just talking about actresses in general. You know. That I've directed. Like... lots of them. What? Oh... well... I directed Romeo + Juliet... yeah, Claire Danes was really young. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she wasn't Botoxing. So there was that, and Moulin Rouge... No! No! I've directed other stuff, too! Like, you know, that "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" thing that didn't actually have any people in it, and that Chanel commercial with...

...I have to go now."

Comments

[ruination.livejournal.com]

*dies from laughing....again* Wooo! Funny!

[chase820.livejournal.com]

Hee--these had me laughing out loud in the library, thereby earning me many curious glances from those nearby. But it was worth it.

Especially tickled by the Baz Luhrmann one. The older she gets, the more Nicole Kidman looks like one of those glossy Lladro figurine things. This is not good.

[cpip.livejournal.com]

Someday, she will become her own marketable blow-up doll.

[katla-asriel.livejournal.com]

Moo ha ha. I loved the Gerard Butler and Dominic Monaghan-related rants. That really is true!

Nick Carter and Paris Hilton. Le snerk. That is all.

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

I want to read that Vanity Fair article, which issue is it in? Speaking of furries, Bjork and Spike Jonze collaborated on a furry-ish music video. There are links to it in my post (http://www.livejournal.com/users/la_sonnambula/15543.html).

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I read it when I was in college, so it was probably about four years back--really, it was the article that broke furry culture into the mainstream, I think. It was pretty rough on furries, though--it basically posited that "zeta males" gotta have something to hump, so why not plush animals if they can't get women? Yeah.

Actually--hey, I googled "zeta male" + furries, and look what I found!

http://pressedfur.coolfreepages.com/press/vanityfair/

[shoiryu.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha and this is why you's mah homegurl.

[sparkythehamstr.livejournal.com]

Hee, I love you.

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

The dissing actress rant? So. Spot. On.

Thanks!

[likescarecrows.livejournal.com]

<3 the Dom rant.
I love Dom and I love Evie, and I'm happy to see them together. =)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I think they're adorable, myself. : )

[kisthenightwind.livejournal.com]

Too funny.

If you DARE take a two-year-old to any movie rated higher than PG and I happen to be there, I will introduce you to a brave new world of PAIN.

~snort~
True story: We were happily sitting down, waiting for ROTK to start when mom, dad, and grandparents sat right fucking behind us with a baby! Couldn't one set have stayed home with the sprong? My 12 year old was, seriously, making a WTF face. Bitty baby was pretty good until Pelinor Fields. At this time it proceeds to make cute baby noises, unfortunatly by the time Theodin is dying said baby is crying and NO ONE has walked out with it.
Ruined the scene for me.

could you share your feelings on fangirls who dis their favorite actors' female co-stars?

Ha, or a good rant about fangirls and the wank that follows mentioning sexy stars real-life wife or girl-friend ala Orlando Bloom's crazed fans.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I just now posted the Dom-and-Evie version of the Orlando Bloom thing, although I was also thinking of poor Kate Bosworth when I wrote it, too.

[lafemmeluna.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, Cleo! What's worse are the goddamned babies of doom! Why, why, WHY do people take their infants to the movies? No one can hear a damned thing with all the crying going on!!! I love babies but give me a fucking break, please. If you want to go to the flicks, do us and yourself a favor and, get a babysitter! Jeebus, it's only for a few hours! I do not want to hear incessant crying nor hear or smell (ugh!) the changing of a diaper. Out, damned spot! *growl*

[acampbell.livejournal.com]

I was quite alarmed to see two young children accompanying their parents into the matinee of PTO and taking seats near us.

Amazingly, they behaved!

Sometimes, miracles happen.

[meredith-mae.livejournal.com]

I saw some grade-school children the first time I saw POTO. I suppose their parents think they're exposing them to "culture" or something, and it's cheaper than going to the theater.

[meredith-mae.livejournal.com]

ARRGHH! Kids in movie theaters are one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I also hate seeing little kids in the theater opening night. Really, a 4 year old doesn't care if he sees it now or in two weeks. When I was a kid it seems like my parents waited 3 months to take us to a movie. And don't get me started on R-ratings. I think I saw my first rated-R movie when I was 10, and that was on HBO. Some theaters ahve "no kids under 6 allowed in R-rated movies after 10 pm." WTF? Why would a kid under 6 be awake at 10pm anyway? Hire a damn babysitter people, or else don't go to the movies!

[the_powerlines.livejournal.com]

1. Blessed sprog?! That's one I most definitely have not heard before.

2. I think Dom and Evie are just the cutest couple ever. In fact, I can't decide which one I like better. Well, Dom. But Evangeline is so pretty...

[elvensapphire.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. Lord. WTF?!?!?!?! I made the mistake of clicking on the article about the furrys and am now fearing for my life. Actually, I am more fearing for the safety of all my stuffed animals! Some people are so screwed up. *shivers* That's...sick. It's just not normal.

Nicole! *sob* She was so beautiful. Now her hair is blah, her face is tight, and she's way too thin. Wah happened? ...also smoothes out ANY SEMBLANCE OF EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER. Sad, but oh-so-true!!!

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Um....hold up, please. Not all furries are stuffed-animal-molesting maniacs. Like any group, the whackos get all the press. Ok? Thank you and please tip your waitress.

[collie-wing.livejournal.com]

"Does she like that, momma?"

Oh lord. hahhahaha. The people who whisper spoilers, loudly, or things like "I know how they made that blow up, see it's not really this it's THIS..." are almost as bad. But not quite.

There was some lawsuit against a Tigger at one of the Disney parks because he supposedly groped some girl during a photo op. Don't know how overblown that was, just saw it in the paper. DAMN DIRTY TIGGER!!!

[ayn-rand-fan-13.livejournal.com]

When I first found out about Dominic Monoghan and Evangeline Lily, my initial thought was that they're really cute together. I mean, awwwwww. A lot of people I know react that way, with the hating of the actress, and it's like, if he wasn't with her, it isn't like he was going to be with you either. Also, that would be kind of illegal.

[bodhichitta0.livejournal.com]

The kid in the movie theatre thing is so true. Had same experience when my husband and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean. (And I am a mom of an 8.5 year old and a 5 year old.) A little boy preschooler, 4 or 5, was there. Sobbed the whole way through, terrified every time they turned into skeletons. Parents didn't leave and didn't comfort him, just shushed him. I was beyond appalled.

[annevo.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I'm just talking about actresses in general. You know. That I've directed. Like... lots of them. What? Oh... well... I directed Romeo + Juliet... yeah, Claire Danes was really young. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she wasn't Botoxing. So there was that, and Moulin Rouge... No! No! I've directed other stuff, too! Like, you know,

Like Strictly Ballroom, my all time favourite dance movie. Yes, I think it's better then Dirty Dancing.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know--it's great. But Baz really did make a comment about Botoxed "actresses," so I was referring to movies he'd made within a reasonable amount of time from the comment.

[yarha.livejournal.com]

I'm visualizin' a new archetype: Cleolinda - Voice of the Ranting Multitude. One might accompany this with various slogans, includin' 'Cleolinda: She Feels Our Pain' and 'Cleolinda: Goddess of Our OMGWTF?!'.

Bill Clinton eat your heart out.

Yarha, Who Gives Vox to the Voxless?

[lezopez.livejournal.com]

OMG I saw you did mine and freaked out! Then I had to try to explain to my Roommate (who still doesn't know what I'm talking about) in between my squeals of happiness that you acknowledged my existance.
Thanks for making my day, that was awesome :-D

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Awww! You realize that I'm, like, a pasty grad student in Alabama, right? Not a superhero or anything?

[kokopellinelli]

"Damn, what was I thinking? Multiple STD medications are expensive, yo."

*snerks*

*chokes a little*

[ambiguousreason.livejournal.com]

Oh, my Lord, I love your icon.

[lumaria.livejournal.com]

Guess I'm the only one that thinks Nicole Kidman is still beautiful. Eh, well, c'est la vie.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

I love Nicole, and I thought she actually looked a lot better at the Globes this year. I was just very saddened by how tight and shiny she was the year she won her Oscar.

[xsarahsaturdayx.livejournal.com]

Your kids in theaters rant warmed my bitchy little heart to the core. Why can't a girl just go to a movie without all this DRAMA?

True story: When we went to see Matrix Revolutions, this group of people came in and sat right next to me and my friends. Said group included 1 woman who was probably 40-something, 2 teenage girls, and 1 VERY, VERY tiny baby. I thought this was incredibly rude right off the bat, 'cause, y'know...BABY IN THEATER. But it gets worse. After hearing a few snatches of their conversation, it finally dawned on me what the situation actually was.

Teenager and Teenager's Friend want to see the movie, but they are under 17 and must have a guardian; therefore, Teenager's Mom must accompany them. But then...OH NOES! Who will babysit the underage Teenager's Baby?

Perfect solution - bring Baby, too!

*facepalm*

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, yikes. :-P Though my most irritating experience in a theater wasn't due to Teenagers with Baby, but just the Teenagers. My fiance and I went to go see The Grudge, and we ended up sitting in front of Teenyboppers From Hell.
I mean, I get the whole shriek-at-the-scary-movie thing, but 'shriek at *anything* and then giggle with your friends for five minutes and talk loudly any time something not-scary is happening'? I was about ready to smother them with a seat cushion.

[tiwonge.livejournal.com]

Baz Luhrman

I recognized that name. Wait, the sunscreen song! And then I finished reading the paragraph, and you mentioned it.

[angelryka.livejournal.com]

Lol. Awesome rants.

Honestly, I was expecting a bigger blowup over the Dom/Evie thing. Or maybe I'm just not part of the right communities.

Oh Nicole, why oh why do you do this to yourself?