Fnarr.

[cleolinda]

I'm having one of those days... it hasn't been a bad day generally speaking, but it's been a bad day medically speaking, and I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I can write a 12-minute presentation and deliver it tomorrow. Because if I can't, I may as well just drop the class and take an incomplete. (Which I can't afford to do.) See... this should not be hard. If I can't do this, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this huge annotated bibliography and then the actual paper. I can't remember if the bibliography is due Thursday or next Tuesday, but I know the paper is due December 2, so I don't have too long to endure finish the whole schmoo as it is. This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on which way you want to look at it.

Despite the medical hoohah, I think it's a largely a psychological block. I just don't. want. to write. papers. This is bad for someone in an MFA program, really. I thought I'd gotten over that after I took a year off after graduation--I thought having to write papers in three languages was what burnt me out. But here I am, doing the same thing all over again, putting things off as long as possible, almost getting a thrill out of it. It used to be in high school and college that I'd wait until almost the last minute, and I'd pull out the adrenaline and get it done. I needed that push to get it done. But now... it's a different thrill I seem to be after. It's the thrill of not doing it at all. And that scares me.

(Somewhere, my agent and publisher are reading this and getting very, very nervous. All I can say is, the day you require academic footnotes is the day you have to worry. Until then, you're in the clear.)

(Not that the medical hoohah is anything to sneeze at, though. I was supposed to hear about the ultrasound today, and no one called. You know, the test to see if I had uterine cancer? That one. And my uterus? She is angry. She is an angry, crampy, evil uterus. Please send help call soon.)

And I love the professor and the Milton class itself, so I don't know what my problem is, other than a general feeling of deathly tiredness (see: medical). I keep trying to put my finger on why I'm getting seduced by this "not doing it at all" thing--do I want to prove to myself that I don't have to overachieve, or achieve at all, and the world won't end? Am I overwhelmed by the book and the medical crap and all? Am I just a lazy cuss? I can't be burnt out on school again, because I had a four-month break from school and I'm only taking one class right now as it is. There's something going on here, and I can't figure out what it is--I have to figure out what it is in order to defuse it and move on with life.

And I'm still puzzling over an anonymous comment made on the entry where I whined (tongue-in-cheek, I thought) about not wanting to write a paper: "See? And you wonder why I don't respect/answer your posts? Surely you have some cramming skills at least? Don't make me lose that last little bit of respect... Turn off that darn computer when RL should take precedence!" I mean, never mind that I went off and wrote the paper and let y'all comment on the entry. And that you generally need the computer on to write the paper. And that it's hard for me to wonder why you don't respond to my posts if... I don't know who you are. No, what I'm really puzzling over is who this was, and why I still care. You can say just about anything to me that you want if I know who you are--it's the anonymous comments that tend to stick in my craw, probably because I can't imagine what the personal motivation behind them was.

Comments

whining disguised as sympathy follows...

[celli]

I totally think there is such a thing as student block. And if there is, I had it this weekend. Two whole days (after a Thursday off work where I did minimal homework) and I managed a grand total of 30 minutes of paper research, which I'll end up ditching because it was crap. Gaaah.

I don't even have any medical reasons, although I've got some stress in other areas of my life that I can point to.

*sigh* Fnarr indeed.

[zivia.livejournal.com]

It's the thrill of not doing it at all. And that scares me.

*nods sagely in an "I can totally relate way"*

I'm sitting here trying to finish my MA thesis in the next 2 weeks. 1 chapter written, 2 to go.

And what do I do? Nada! I'm livin' on the edge!

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yikes. Good luck with that, man.

[ladyortyger.livejournal.com]

The thrill of not doing it at all is something I am well acquainted with.

Am I just a lazy cuss? I can't be burnt out on school again, because I had a four-month break from school and I'm only taking one class right now as it is. There's something going on here, and I can't figure out what it is--I have to figure out what it is in order to defuse it and move on with life.

Coulda taken this straight outta the last three years of my life. *sigh* if you do find out, let me know, maybe it's what's hurting me, too?

[http://users.livejournal.com/lorien__/]

it's an epedimic... i should've written a report by today and guess what! i waited till the very last minute... as in i still gotta do it in like the next 3 hours... and class starts in about an hour... yey... bugger...

hope you'll feel better soon... and those freaking test people should just call and be done with it... idiots!! ugh...

okay gotta catch the bus... till tonight
Lorien__

[purplepaisley.livejournal.com]

I have found that, generally, no news is good news when it comes to medical test results. If your demise were immanent, you'd be hearing about it. Still, no harm in calling them yourself tomorrow. Here's hoping for the best possible news.

[travelsizedoug.livejournal.com]

If it IS uterus cancer or just high risk potential cells like what my mom had on her cervix, it's probably the cause of your lack of motivation. She was ill in more ways that one because of those cells. She felt tired, headaches, etc.

[mustang-bex1126.livejournal.com]

Hopefully it's just burnout... even if it's just one class- you can still get burned out. I'm a dual major undergrad in my 4th year, and while my classes themselves are fine-I simply can't find the motivation to care this semester.

BTW Doug, I adore your avatar!

My recomendation for evil uteri=aleve and those self heating adheasive pad things...

[foresthouse.livejournal.com]

If I had a teleporter I would send you some nice chocolate and a hot pad for your evil uterus.
Sadly, I do not.

As for the procrastinating thing, Gee, I thought I was the only one. I seem to have the exact same problem lately, and I found myself wondering if it was because I didn't take time off b/w college and law school. But I doubt that's it. I think maybe I am just tired of feeling like everything is because I have to and for the grade.
It's the same as the problem you were having writing the stuff you're getting paid to write vs. the stuff just for the hell of it I think.

In closing, I shall echo your sentiment (Fnarrr) because I now have to go read about 7 assignments I should have read 3 weeks ago. Damn.

[girlalmighty]

I've disabled anonymous comments, and I'm not even a Little Name Fan. ;) They're just weird and worrisome, like this person you don't even know is watching you, and you can't even check who they are.

I have a 5 - 7 page paper due Thursday. It's not a big deal. It's double-spaced. I can do it. I can. I just haven't. It's the longest paper I've ever written for a lit class, because this is my first year of college and until now I've only ever done AP stuff. I know I can do it, though. I keep meaning to. I just don't.

[jainamsolo.livejournal.com]

I keep trying to put my finger on why I'm getting seduced by this "not doing it at all" thing

If you figure it out, please tell me? I've got a paper due tomorrow that's a quarter done and I'm thinking, "Well, I could just go to bed and finish it in lab tomorrow." Not to mention the mock grant proposal that was due two weeks ago and I've barely started.

I'm so tired of school. A summer off between graduation and starting grad school was *not* enough.

[twigsandgrace.livejournal.com]

Dude, I love your icon. :D

[ambiguousreason.livejournal.com]

God, I know how you feel. I'm such a big procrasinator, particularly when it comes to papers.

All I have to say about the anonymous comment is fnarr. That's dumb.

[adjectivegirl.livejournal.com]

Oh lord, how I can relate. I'm right now, as in this second, sitting on a paper that's over a week due and am busily painting my toenails instead.

It's just so easy, and simple, and the guilt that's supposed to be tearing me apart must have gotten lost in shipping.

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

I hope this stressful period passes by quickly for you.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[ex-krazycat651.livejournal.com]

the day you require academic footnotes is the day you have to worry

WORDY MC WORD!

*throws big box of books at..um. someone*

[elbales]

I feel your procrastination pain. Dude, I took four years between college and grad school and I still had to take an I on my MA project and drag my ass through finishing it barely in time for the one-year cutoff.

And the anon comment person? Noob. Major, total noob. Actually, I've been wondering why you don't just 86 the anon. comments altogether.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it's because I get some really nice comments from people who don't have Livejournals and came in from my Blogspot blog or something. I may start screening them, though--half the time, I think anons are obnoxious because they want to show off in front of other people.

[katcat.livejournal.com]

hey I've been meaning to leave you a comment about this... I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. I'm sure things will work out for you. *hugs* I will say a prayer for you though. Please keep us posted. xoxoxo

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[twigsandgrace.livejournal.com]

I hope the doctors call RIGHT NOW and say that they're sorry that they put you through those test, because they're morons and there is nothing wrong with you. And then they offer to write your paper for you. :)
Jessika.

[theendofallthat.livejournal.com]

wtf? what a bastard that anonymous commenter is. I shall burninate them.

I feel your pain re: the joy of not doing it at all. I have a second full draft of a fifty page play due (well, not really due, "requested"...which makes not doing it that much funner) Thursday...hah. My teacher is cute when he's being unrealistic.

[dawnglider.livejournal.com]

I have this problem too!

I'm a perfectionist, and then I get scared by my assignments and pretend they're not there, and then I get late and more scared so I keep doing nothing, and then I'm in trouble.

My mum suggests that I'm 'self-sabotaging', which is where you don't do the work until it's too late, and then when you get a bad mark you go 'Oh well, if I'd started earlier I'd have got a good mark. I'm not stupid, I'm just disorganised.' Basically a self-doubt thing.

Anonymous poster - idiot. If they don't have the courage to put themselves with their opinion then they shouldn't post. Don't listen to him/her - listen to the many people with positive responses who stand up and are counted.
*stands up in support*

[edda.livejournal.com]

Dear Anonymous Assmonkey:

Oh really? That LAST little bit of respect you have for a woman who is simultaneously dealing with energy-draining medical issues while fighting through grad school, writing an ongoing novella-thingie about vampires, and also GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED?! Could all the rest of your respect be eaten up by, oh, say, pure soul-devouring jealousy?

Oh, of course not. How stupid of me to think so. Gosh, please continue your astute critique of anything your vast discernment deems worthy.

Loser.

[edda.livejournal.com]

If you want to delete that, Cleo, go ahead. I just...AUGH. *grinds teeth*

[apoplexia.livejournal.com]

Couldn't you just get wankprophet to do your homework for you? He seems to have copious spare time.

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

This is a brilliant idea, and one I should have thought of before now.

[leucocrystal]

Am I just a lazy cuss? I can't be burnt out on school again, because I had a four-month break from school and I'm only taking one class right now as it is. There's something going on here, and I can't figure out what it is--I have to figure out what it is in order to defuse it and move on with life.

For me it's three classes, but a full load is four, so I'm not exactly working my ass off either.  Something's up with me too, motivation-wise, and I can't pinpoint it either, but I've got that feeling of impending doom; like if I don't, it's going to catch me up reel baad.  Especially since I thoroughly am enjoying doing nothing constructive with that time I should be using.  Like what?  Like making an icon out of the shiny pictures I took of my replica Time Turner you know about (you know.... death from pretty is a widespread epidemic).  I mean, come on... look at it!  It's so pretty... and shiny... and stuff...

And I'm still puzzling over an anonymous comment made on the entry where I whined (tongue-in-cheek, I thought) about not wanting to write a paper [...] I mean, never mind that I went off and wrote the paper and let y'all comment on the entry. [...] And that it's hard for me to wonder why you don't respond to my posts if... I don't know who you are. No, what I'm really puzzling over is who this was, and why I still care. You can say just about anything to me that you want if I know who you are--it's the anonymous comments that tend to stick in my craw, probably because I can't imagine what the personal motivation behind them was.

Boy, do I know what you mean.  For my webcomic, I have a corresponding forum.  I know everyone who posts there pretty well by now (I either know them from school, have met them and/or worked with them in real life, or have known them online for a long time).  Yet once, we had a really insulting anonymous post that just completely threw me for a loop.  It wasn't so much the insulting part, it was more the whole nagging logic gap of, y'know... if you hate the comic so much it makes you wanna puke, er... WHY do you not only read it, but actually go to the trouble of posting here?!  I was kinda confused by that, lol.  Funny thing was, by the time I saw the post, half my forum members had ripped this guy a new one.  No more guest posting on the forums, decided by my co-mod, but it was still pretty odd, random, silly and... pointless.

I have a 5 - 7 page paper due Thursday. It's not a big deal. It's double-spaced. I can do it. I can. I just haven't. It's the longest paper I've ever written for a lit class, because this is my first year of college and until now I've only ever done AP stuff.

Whoa there, tyllisium, you're crazy lucky!  The shortest paper I had to write my senior year of HS was 12 pages!  And I know what you mean about double-spacing being your friend... believe me... if that paper (the 12-page one) I wrote on Marvell's The Garden were spaced any smaller, I would have just sat down at my computer, paused, and promptly burst into tears.

[vladimirsever.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just hafta stay away from your favorite procrastinations and just get on with it. Harsh, but true. Like, not using the internet for a day or two does amazing things for your productivity, once you get over the withdrawal. And I guess it's easier if you know that there's a horde of us just waiting on the other side of the bridge to hold your hand and bring you chocolate and tea if you don't think you can make it... :)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Shhhh...

[maetang.livejournal.com]

I set LJ to screen anonymous comments, and I think it's possible to set it to not accept them at all.

I'm thinking: why would you be expected to keep the respect of a perfect stranger? I don't think you have to live up to the standards of some anonymous poster, or caretake their expectations - well, not unless you want to. :^) Maybe what s/he does with his/her respect is his/her business. There's plenty of other folks here who will appreciate you for what you are - not for what they think you should or shouldn't be.

[maeritrae.livejournal.com]

I'm sure everything will be ok...I got a couple of ultrasounds a few months ago, one to check for ovarian cysts and one to check for breast cysts, and they told me right then and there that there was nothing wrong with my ovaries, so you're probably fine or they would have said something by now. They wouldn't want a malpractice suit on their hands if there were something wrong.

(Actually, in about two hours I have to go to the doctor's to decide whether I'll be having a biopsy to finish checking out this blasted lump. But it's almost certainly nothing. I hope everything goes well for you though.)

[cleolinda.livejournal.com]

Yikes--best of luck with the lump. *hug*

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

sends huggs and , whatever it is worth, you definitely have my respect.

[theminno.livejournal.com]

Hear hear! ^O^

Cleo, you definitely have the respect of all of us, myself included. Though, I'm a total dork, so that probably doesn't count for much, but... yeah.