(no subject)
Oct. 22nd, 2004 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cleolindaMan... getting back into Black Ribbon is hard. My head's been in a pseudo-medieval fantasy world for a completely different story for a while now, so I'm having to drag myself back into a nineteenth-century mindset.
Van Helsing is not the way to do that.
That said, the actors' commentary is cute--it's the guys playing Roxula and the wolf brother and Frankenstein sitting around giggling over various double entendres and how fine the women in the movie look and stuff they didn't even know was in the movie because it sure as hell wasn't there when they were acting (or "acting," in some cases, ROXBURGH. "You verr trenned by monks and MOOOOLAHS! Backed by RUM HERSELF!"), and "Oh, look, there's Daisy!" "We love Daisy!" "Daisy!" The director-and-editor commentary, however, is just a laff riot. To wit:
"We searched six months for the actresses to play the brides. It's so hard to find women that beautiful who can really act." Cut to: the brides' horrible, horrible acting. Although really, I don't know that I could do any better with "Too bad--so sad!" while wearing see-through harem pants. Respect.
"Our Hyde character is the most photorealistic computer-generated character ever created." Cut to: really bad CGI.
"It's really amazing to watch these two great, great actors do this scene." Cut to: Jackman and Roxburgh doing a really bad scene.
The director: "Kate is really hot shoving a knife in her boot right here." Editor: "Yeah, but the continuity in this scene is shit, Steve." Director: "Man, no one would have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it!"
This is one of the pitfalls of having your main commentator be both the writer and the director, because he keeps talking about all the great ideas and the great laughs and the great screams and SHUT SHUT SHUT. "Here's a really great shot!" Cut to: a really, really obvious, full-face shot of Jackman's stunt double on the trapeze in the ball scene. (And if that's not a double? What is wrong with his face, man?) Y'all, it's just a fun cheesy movie. Tell me funny stories! Don't tell me how fabulous you are! Particularly when you're not!
I like the editor, though: "Here's one of those things you have to think about [in the ball scene]: Did they not have a better idea to rescue her? What if that hadn't worked? Could they really not think of anything better?" (The director: "Look! There's my daughter!") And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the technical commentary in two lines. "Did they not have a better idea?" "Look, there's my daughter!"
Also: Stephen Sommers has a very unhealthy fixation with the little hell ewoks running around on fire. Like, the fact that the real little actors kept really catching fire and having to run off screen and get extinguished and that's what you're seeing every time you see a little hell ewok run around on fire. "Look! More flaming dwergi! There they go!" Dude.
I do like the story at the end of the movie when Anna is dead from smush and and Helsingwolf turns back into Van Helsing and Hugh Jackman is wearing some very, very sketchy trouser scraps, and Stephen Sommers is all like, "Yeah, he's actually totally naked. We got to the first screening and everyone was right where we wanted them, they cheered when they saw [that he'd gotten the antidote], and then they're like 'Ohhhhhhhh' when you see Anna and then--we felt it, before it even happened, we knew what was going to happen--we got to that moment [where he's holding Anna Dead From Smush], and you heard all the women in the audience go, 'Oh my God! That's Hugh Jackman's ass!' And all the men go, 'What? We don't wanna see no man ass!' So we painted some pants on. We should sell screensavers of it, though."
And I laaaaaaughed, because it's true.
Van Helsing is not the way to do that.
That said, the actors' commentary is cute--it's the guys playing Roxula and the wolf brother and Frankenstein sitting around giggling over various double entendres and how fine the women in the movie look and stuff they didn't even know was in the movie because it sure as hell wasn't there when they were acting (or "acting," in some cases, ROXBURGH. "You verr trenned by monks and MOOOOLAHS! Backed by RUM HERSELF!"), and "Oh, look, there's Daisy!" "We love Daisy!" "Daisy!" The director-and-editor commentary, however, is just a laff riot. To wit:
"We searched six months for the actresses to play the brides. It's so hard to find women that beautiful who can really act." Cut to: the brides' horrible, horrible acting. Although really, I don't know that I could do any better with "Too bad--so sad!" while wearing see-through harem pants. Respect.
"Our Hyde character is the most photorealistic computer-generated character ever created." Cut to: really bad CGI.
"It's really amazing to watch these two great, great actors do this scene." Cut to: Jackman and Roxburgh doing a really bad scene.
The director: "Kate is really hot shoving a knife in her boot right here." Editor: "Yeah, but the continuity in this scene is shit, Steve." Director: "Man, no one would have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it!"
This is one of the pitfalls of having your main commentator be both the writer and the director, because he keeps talking about all the great ideas and the great laughs and the great screams and SHUT SHUT SHUT. "Here's a really great shot!" Cut to: a really, really obvious, full-face shot of Jackman's stunt double on the trapeze in the ball scene. (And if that's not a double? What is wrong with his face, man?) Y'all, it's just a fun cheesy movie. Tell me funny stories! Don't tell me how fabulous you are! Particularly when you're not!
I like the editor, though: "Here's one of those things you have to think about [in the ball scene]: Did they not have a better idea to rescue her? What if that hadn't worked? Could they really not think of anything better?" (The director: "Look! There's my daughter!") And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the technical commentary in two lines. "Did they not have a better idea?" "Look, there's my daughter!"
Also: Stephen Sommers has a very unhealthy fixation with the little hell ewoks running around on fire. Like, the fact that the real little actors kept really catching fire and having to run off screen and get extinguished and that's what you're seeing every time you see a little hell ewok run around on fire. "Look! More flaming dwergi! There they go!" Dude.
I do like the story at the end of the movie when Anna is dead from smush and and Helsingwolf turns back into Van Helsing and Hugh Jackman is wearing some very, very sketchy trouser scraps, and Stephen Sommers is all like, "Yeah, he's actually totally naked. We got to the first screening and everyone was right where we wanted them, they cheered when they saw [that he'd gotten the antidote], and then they're like 'Ohhhhhhhh' when you see Anna and then--we felt it, before it even happened, we knew what was going to happen--we got to that moment [where he's holding Anna Dead From Smush], and you heard all the women in the audience go, 'Oh my God! That's Hugh Jackman's ass!' And all the men go, 'What? We don't wanna see no man ass!' So we painted some pants on. We should sell screensavers of it, though."
And I laaaaaaughed, because it's true.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:12 pm (UTC)I am so there. *pause* I can't believe I just typed that. Someone get me an alcopop and a Capri 120, and maybe some blonde streaks.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:32 pm (UTC)Man, now I need to get this movie from the library, if only to watch funny commentary.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:15 pm (UTC)BWAH! I totally have to rent this now.
And I need something to reduce the pain of the fantastically boring Two Towers EE commentary...
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 02:58 am (UTC)They were so funny in the commentary and then there was Sean...*head desk*
If you dont have anything funny, or at least interesting to say, then SHUT IT...
Cant wait for RotK Extended...wonder if they let him blab like that in this one...
~nicoli~
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:24 pm (UTC)Awww...but you gotta get Roxburgh mega-props for being the Duke in Moulin Rouge. So hot.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 08:17 pm (UTC)*dies*
Dear god, that was hilarious. And Now, I must go pretend I 'm doing somehting other than pondering the full frontal of Van Hesing.
Those bastards.
We wuz robbed, Cleo! I SAID WE WUZ ROBBED!!!!
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 08:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 09:57 pm (UTC)So close, and yet so far away.
Good thing Hugh's ass pops up... nakie... in other places. Or I'd have to make Stephen and his ADD dead from smush.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 10:08 pm (UTC)2) Hugh Jackman's... ohh.. my... *must find unedited film*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 03:05 am (UTC)~nicoli~
DVD commentary
It was an awful movie, as long I like it because it's awful, then I can enjoy it.
Beautiful women who can act? Josie Maran is a doll, but she...didn't sell the role for me. Meh, Hollywood hardly puts out anything good anymore.
no subject
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 12:19 am (UTC)Me not talk like Frankenstein.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 06:42 am (UTC)Hey, crazy bit o' trivia: Stephen Sommers's dad, the one the movie is dedicated to, was my pediatrician. =) Small world!!!
P.S. If you ever did a movie in 15 minutes of Underworld . . . my god, I would IDOLIZE you. <3
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 07:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 08:12 am (UTC)I really wish Hugh and Kate had been on a commentary or something--maybe not the same one, as that would have been a little crowded, but maybe Hugh and Kate and David on their own commentary. They are also funny people! They also have funny stories! Sigh.
And yeah, Roxburgh really is very low-key. I just love the three guys sitting around and giggling over something like "a four-hour head job" or whatever.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 01:24 pm (UTC)The commentary for Underworld is pretty good too.
Hmmm do I even have Van Helsing on DVD? Must go get it if not and listen to commentary (and ogle Jackman's near-naked ass).
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 02:15 pm (UTC)I like the Fight Club commentary too.
hand to god
Date: 2004-10-23 06:23 pm (UTC)Re: hand to god
Date: 2004-10-23 11:06 pm (UTC)Re: hand to god
From:Van Helsing does roomies.
Date: 2004-10-24 05:08 pm (UTC)I saw this pop up on my friends list, and I just thought of you. Seriously. Only reason I SAW that movie was because of 15m, and now I have to swipe the DVD from someone to listen to the commentary.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 07:29 pm (UTC)Jackman actually has starred in porn you realise?
It was on the radio, and he was in an interview.
^_^
no subject
Date: 2004-10-31 01:25 pm (UTC)WHEEE! And they say you can't go off your a.d.d. medication and make a movie. But Stephen Sommers proves them wro... look, a shiny thing!