cleolinda | Teal deer are in season again!

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Teal deer are in season again!

Something that made me think ~~possibly because I didn't want get down to work~~ yesterday: Tell Me More! Why Do We Overshare?

I feel like there's been a rise in oversharing since blogs, online journals, social networks, etc., appeared in our lives--it's so much easier to confess your deepest secrets to names on a screen. You can't see the looks on their faces, for one. But the ~~crazy~~ woman cited at the beginning of the story was dumping all her business in real life, so if we're going to stick with the first idea, I'm going to have to say that it's carried over into real life--on a wider scale than it used to be; there were always people who had no sense of tact or boundaries--because, due to the effect of the internet (and reality television: the obligatory confessional cam, tucked away in private where the other housemates can't hear the steam the contestant is blowing off to millions of people ), revelation has become something of a currency. I think that, on some level, we're putting the cart before the horse: it used to be that we just hounded celebrities for the private details of their lives, and now we feel like spilling our own makes us important. I mean, it's what important people do, right? Go on TV and walk us around their houses and tell us their favorite recipes and make coy references to their love lives? Well, now anyone with a blog (or a Facebook, or a Twitter, or a...) can pretend to be just as sought-after. Important people get attention, and spilling our guts on TV or the internet will get us attention as well, and therefore that also makes us important, right?

... Right?

Well, actually it makes you really annoying most of the time, but some bloggers really do have the skill to write about very personal experiences in a meaningful or entertaining way. I don't know if I could be one of them, and I don't intend to find out. There are a few things I think people would consider to be very "personal" that I don't mind talking about--depression and mental health, for one, but you'll notice you only ever hear me discuss it in fairly detached terms. I tend to analyze what I think is going on with me; you're never going to see a post at two a.m. where I'm stutter-typing about how I've lost my will to live and I'm going to end it all. I don't mind talking about depression or medication in general because I don't feel like it's anything to be ashamed of, and in fact, I think people need to talk about that kind of thing more; they need to hear what their options are, that other people are able to get through it, that it's not weird or strange or unusual, but actually a fairly common ailment. But I'm always in control or speaking in retrospect when I talk about it; I'm not bleeding my emo all over you. That, to me, is why it's useful rather than TMI.

By the same token, this is why I'll tell you fun or nice or happy snippets about my friends and family, but not about fights or problems. And while I'm not seeing anyone right now, I suspect that talking about anyone I was going out with would be the worst idea ever. It would be one thing to tell you several weeks or months later about how I met someone, once the whole thing was a fait accompli, but right as it was happening? These things are so delicate in their early stages--they practically blow away like dandelion fluff, and I imagine that a public play-by-play of a first date would count as a pretty strong breeze. These are calls you have to make for yourself, but there's a point where, if you have a large enough readership (even over, say, fifty people), you have to decide whether you want to trade in the currency of TMI and make that your thing (which is fine) or if discretion is the better part of valor. Me, I have movies and books and things to talk about, and that works fine for me.

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I think for every Dooce, there are a hundred Tracie/Slut Machines out there.

I did find that entry completely hilarious, because so much of Tracie's schtick is the gross overshare (the entry about farting, the entry about the, ahem, erotic potential of Spanx...etc).

you'll notice you only ever hear me discuss it in fairly detached terms.

I think this is the key to discussing issues of that nature, along with humor, if one can pull it off. Additionally, I do kind of think there are some things that you can maybe write a blog about, but probably shouldn't just tell anybody about. When you're blogging or writing something out in text, you get the chance to explain a situation or a happening to your audience without interruption, I guess before assumptions get made. I think also a blog is kind of a more... immediately casual situation, right off the bat. You're there, talking for you or about you, in your blog, whereas a public gathering or outing isn't expressly "about you". That's just my take, I guess. I'm more likely to not be at all bothered by a TMI blog entry than I am by a sudden TMI conversation in real life.

One of the reasons my journal is almost entirely public is, I want people to read the stuff I write. Which means that I have to make choices about what I write *about*. So yeah--books and movies and "this is how I write" and "ooh look at the pretty ponies" and "let me tell you about my cats."

There is very little truly personal content on my journal, and again, when there is I tend to friends-lock it, or if it's personal enough I set it to private. i don't mind occasionally letting out some information about my teenage angst or whatever from twenty years ago--like a lot of people, I am still shaped by my childhood and it's kind of interesting to look at from a safe distance. I don't mind letting the world know about my disc injury--who cares, really.

But there's all sorts of information I don't need to share on my blog, and I'm sure the people I am not sharing it with would be suitably grateful if they knew what they were being spared...

It's a very interesting topic and so relevant these days. There is a fine line between oversharing and not sometimes. I think you walk the line very well. I feel like you do post about personal things, and not in an impersonal way - but I respect that you don't just talk trash about your family or well, overshare.

Some people don't walk this line very well and I often wonder what they are thinking when they do post to LJ.

It is hard finding one's comfort zone when one discovers one has a large audience. And since this is something I've been dealing with myself, very topical.

I don't mind talking about depression or medication in general because I don't feel like it's anything to be ashamed of, and in fact, I think people need to talk about that kind of thing more; they need to hear what their options are, that other people are able to get through it, that it's not weird or strange or unusual, but actually a fairly common ailment.

I really agree with this, and it's part of the reason why it's something I both write about, and talk about. I don't think it's something to be ashamed with, and I always find it startling just how many people--including myself back when I was first dealing with it--really believe that they're the only one who's going through it. There's both power and solace in community and honesty, and some things really need to be brought out of the shadows and talked about openly.

At least, that's my perspective, and I found it made a huge difference to me.

Hoo boy, do I agree with you on the relationships/arguments/depression thing. That sort of stuff is not only delicate, but ephemeral, and shouldn't be rendered more permanent in writing. That's what poetry or fiction or the like is for.

Also, when someone else is involved discretion is CRUCIAL. Talking online about your issues with a friend, family, or lover is just BEGGING for it to blow up in your face. I try very hard to restrain myself from negative carping, or even just general personal details, about people close to me. It's passive-aggressive.

I am most definitely guilty of the overshare. But, then again, I don't really have a problem with it - I always say that my life is an open book. You just have to tell me which page number you want.

I also think that some people who overshare are the same sort who would tell a complete stranger their life story. They feel comfortable with anonymity. In fact, as I was faxing off a resume at a local grocery store, a gentleman next to me began telling me about taxes, who does him, how much he got back, that sort of thing. He would probably never tell his parents, siblings, spouse, or children this sort of thing but hey, the cute blond at the customer service counter? Sure!

I like the way you handle mental illness. I've worked at a mental hospital and it requires grace, delicacy and a great sense of humor to deal with the issues that go on.

Having had an online journal since I was fifteen, I think I've hit both ends of the spectrum, from not sharing anything personal at all to being quite candid about my life. I've almost always had those particularly personal entries flocked and cut though, so while I can put things down on e-paper and get feedback, it's up to others whether they want to be a part of that. I'm not embarrassed to share who I am, but I don't think it's necessary to make people be a part of that like you do in face-to-face conversations.

And, well, there's also a demand for particularly personal stories. Whether it's reading celebrity gossip about who's sleeping with whom or just joining a community like

tmi_chix, it's pretty much undeniable that there are a lot of people out there who are enormous voyeurs. Whether oversharing or wanting to be overshared to is tacky or unnecessary is debatable, but it's pretty obvious that it's still unfailingly popular. I'm curious to see how the next generation - the kids who are surrounded by this and don't bat an eye at it - is affected by the change in people's openness. At the very least if it will change the numbers on reported rapes and abuses.

First of all, I think this is the very first time I've ever commented in your journal, so hello! I honestly can't remember how we became "friends," but I do enjoy your jounal entries and hope I don't bore you to tears with mine.

Now, to the topic at hand. When I was younger (back in my early 20s), I was very bad about sharing too much of my personal life with others -- especially in the workplace. That backfired on me big time and I learned my lesson. I now only confide in co-workers that I also consider friends and know that I can trust.

My journal here, however, is very personal, which is why I lock all my posts. It's my place to vent, to share, to brag about my darling little girl, to share her newest photos, etc. I may get into public blogging someday, to talk about more "world issues" and less "personal issues," but for now, having my LJ has been my salvation MANY times over in the past 6+ years. It has gotten me through some very tough times when needed -- like when my father died in September 2007 -- and it has been a great way to share my life with my friends and theirs with me (especially since they are scattered all over the globe).

Edited 2009-01-08 17:02 (UTC)

Cleo, one of the reasons I love reading your blog (though I rarely comment), is the funny insights into your life as you choose to share it on the Internet. You strike the right balance of real girl, real problems, in an edited to be meaningful way. Some people it's like raw footage of reality tv breakdowns. It can be as sad and meaningless as watching a car wreck.

It's all about editing. It doesn't create a facade, but it refines the picture so people can better connect.

I'm in a weird spot as regards posting, lately. I used to teeter on the brink of oversharing, but I also set out from the start to use my website as a journal. I do not use the term "blog," not because I'm an elitist snob (er, much), rather because I'm taking the term "journal" seriously. My memory is deteriorating, which is saying something considering that it has never been reliable to begin with, so having a place to note the events of my life is useful... and if I can amuse somebody, so much the better.

Then a bunch of bad stuff happened, I wallowed (in public) for a while, and after some of that I gave up writing almost entirely. So, now what? Silly links on occasion. The occasional "catch-up" life update. Projects, when I can come up with them. Mostly, though, I've just fallen out of the habit. When I get the habit back... what do I write?

So, all of this is to say that I see what you're getting at (you make it easy to see, I hasten to point out) and it's something else I will consider as I try to ramp back up my posting (and writing) output.

Thank you, I guess is what I'm saying. *wry grin*

Luckily, I have Gini. And as I've said in my infamous How to Avoid Psychodrama (http://www.livejournal.com/users/theferrett/332945.html) post:

Rule #4: Do Not Write Up Any Arguments Before They're Settled
This is the best one. And Gini and I had to learn this slowly, but it's the most valuable piece of advice. And it good advice for this reason:

You are never going to get honest feedback from anyone as long as you're broadcasting their fucking story to everyone.

So yeah, Gini and I have arguments. Fierce ones. Doesn't mean we're not in love; we're just fighty people. But if we open that up to the Intarwebz, then suddenly we've allowed an audience to start calling sides, and you're lying if you say that you won't feel justified when 70% of the comments calling "ayes" for your point of view.

If I was dating, I'm 90% sure I wouldn't mention it. I mean, I'd probably do my little doofy "Here's what I said in a conversation with X the other day," and I would say that we'd moved in together, but I doubt I'd mention the actual details of "By the way, this friendship? Also fucking."

reminds me of two journals that I remember reading.

One, was True Stories of a Porn Clerk (link (http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/tpcs.html)) where she made a very public discussion of things going on in her store that were very titillating. She stopped updating obviously when her job found out about the blog.

The other,

boobiebar doesn't post as often because sometimes she is working non boobie bar jobs and she has nothing to share, but when she is.. o man. The stories are hilarious. Even if they are TMI.

You know, that's a big part of why I quit blogging and am really only on LJ anymore to read my F-list -- somewhere I crossed the line into oversharing and I started to annoy even myself.

I probably do overshare, but I also lock my journal, so I can control who sees what. I would likely post in a different way if I was blogging publicly or on a different site, but the "journal" nature of LJ and the flock feature allow, and possibly even encourage sharing more. The other thing about LJ for me is that pretty much all of my friends are on it, but because of the distances between us we can't physically talk often. So my journal is how I connect with them. I actually usually feel more discomfort about oversharing when I write fic than when I post in my journal, though - I think fic often reveals much more about me than my everyday chatter!

I utilize friends lock and custom filters and there are still not things that I spill, even though I'm pretty open.

I write very mundane things frequently, but... I have an online journal. I don't really consider myself a blogger per se. Plus, it's friends-locked.

I will say, though, that on the topic of mental illness I actually TRY to be as candid as I can. This is mostly because it's kind of a personal crusade to make mental illness something that's better understood and more widely accepted. When I'm going through something, I want to make it clear to others what I am going through, not least of all so that the people around me understand why I'm acting the way I am.

What I do find is that I say more online than elsewhere, because I'm, for lack of a better way to put this, very writey but not very talky. It's just how I'm most comfortable communicating. So in that sense there are definitely things I'll say online that people wouldn't get out of me otherwise.

This bothers me about a lot of people I know, unfortunately. I feel like this generation is all about gossip to a certain extent, and a lot of my friends don't understand that I'm pretty private about emotional stuff.

I dunno, just a thought.

I admit I talk about dates, but not all of my friends read my blog, and the ones who do don't live in the same state, and they generally feel better about their own boyfriends or about being single afterwards.

Yep. That's my life, helping other people feel better about themselves.

But if I can't bitch in an entertaining way, I try not to bitch at all. Very, very rarely am I emo in my posts.

(Also, a friend pointed out that I offered to loan you the Doctor Who DVDs even though we don't know one another. I wanted to say that if it freaked you out, I didn't mean for it to. I wasn't going to stalk you or anything! Promise!)

The Jezebel reporting on the article is odd, though, and not a little self-defensive; they seem to say that it's not over-sharing really on blogs, celeb interviews and the like - just presenting a public face that seems like it's oversharing. I'm not sure how they draw the line, but it's an odd distinction to make, especially when the lines between celebrity public and private life is blurred. And just because some blogs are overacting issues to make them more dramatic/pathetic/interesting/whatever doesn't make it any less real. Or TMI.

Forget blogs: I'm tired of real life strangers telling me their issues. I don't want to appear unsympathetic but unless I know you well, there are certain things I just don't want to hear.

For all that I post online, I don't reveal everything. My flist on LJ is [are?] people I've known for some time, and they're used to my ramblings. My 'blog' on Myspace is mostly poetry that I just have to get out or else the words will explode in my head, and stupid silly survey things. Every once in a while I'll post something significant, but as I've made it semi-public now, yeah. Over sharing isn't something I want to do.

In person I'm very quiet, keeping to myself most of the time. I'll tell my co-workers about some things, but not that much. We do have one kid who seems to think he needs to dump his trouble with his gf on us and tell us about his partying etc. etc. Yeah, no.

I do think your balance of movie/tv info, feelings on depression and slight insights to your home life is perfect. We don't need to know everything.

Also - The Secret Life of Dolls is my favorite soap opera now. Heee.

Also Also - Since listening to the podcasts, I hear you actually speaking the words you type, LoL

Edited 2009-01-08 18:22 (UTC)

My feeling is that people overshare in their blogs, whether they be public or f-locked, because they also figure that if people don't want to read about that fight they had or the guy their shagging then they have the choice to scroll on down. As opposed to say, having the guy standing in line behind you in the gorcery store tell you his whole life story and having to listen because you can't exactly just leave.

I'm one of those people that the general population loves to tell their deepest darkest secrets to on the bus because I just have one of those faces. Is it interesting like a car crash, sure. But, will I share anything personal back with them, not likely. I will admit to being an occassional oversharer on my LJ because it is f-locked, but I also consider my life pretty dang boring and not good "car crash" material to start with.

I eagerly await the post:

My Date In 15 Minutes By Cleolinda Jones.

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Your mention of a call girl journal

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"no pressure but you're going to be snarked on the interwebs the moment the date ends"